


#MGSHSAU

by aireyv



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: 420 blaze it, Alternate Universe - High School, Awkward Dates, Blackmail, Comics, Crack, Doxxing, Drama, EVA is the only sane one, Educational, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fanfiction, Gray Fox dabbing, HIV/AIDS, Hamburgers, I'm subtle and not at all passive-aggressive, Kaz is the town bicycle, M/M, Multi, NOTE: SOME IMAGES ARE BROKEN AND IDK WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT :(, No Fourth Wall, Otacon deserves a break, Overwatch - Freeform, Parody, Raiden shouldn't be allowed to have swords, School Dances, Self-Discovery, Semi-Epistolary, Semi-Illustrated, Shadow Moses recontextualized as an animé club, Teen Pregnancy, Tongue-in-cheek, Trolling, Valentine's Day, Venom is a better dad than their actual dad, author hates high school AUs but loves bad fanfiction, cliches, definitively not a normal high school though, drugs are bad mmkay, episodic format, everyone has a crush on Snake, fake Persona 5 screenshots, ft. Ghost Babel characters as carnies, juvenile alcoholism, matchmaker Wolf, minor Twitter controversy every time I update!, ok this is a lot of characters, parking lot swordfight, rooftop swordfight, ship tags are out of control, sporadic updates ahead, teen pregnancy scare, the Big Shell recontextualized as an animé club w/ FOXHOUND instead of Dead Cell, the most popular girls in school - Freeform, there are actual Metal Gears in this fic, will add tags & warnings if/when we get there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-23 16:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 33
Words: 73,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9665894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aireyv/pseuds/aireyv
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. It's a high school AU. No twists, no subversions, no deconstructions.You're probably going to read this anyway.





	1. Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> Normally I completely finish my multi-chaptered fics before uploading even the first chapter - and in fact I recommend doing that - but I decided not to do it this way here. Mainly because I don't know if I'll ever finish, due to both a vaguely upcoming hiatus and being unsure how long this fic will actually be able to hold my attention.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy.

High school.

Y’all know the drill. It _sucks_.

Here today, on this the first day of the schoolweek (Monday) at an indeterminate point sometime long enough after the start of the first semester for everyone to be settled into their schedules and social circles but not so far into it that this fanfic would be cut short, a family of five has just moved into the district.

The Sears family consisted of:

John, also called Jack, or Naked Snake, usually referred to as Big Boss for reasons you shouldn’t think too hard about, the new gym coach at Kojima High,

EVA, occasionally referred to as Big Mama, Big Boss’ wife and loving mother of his children, the new Chinese teacher at Kojima High,

David, also known as Solid Snake, a junior, whom Big Boss put forth barely any effort with,

Eli, also known as Liquid Snake, Solid’s twin brother and another junior, whom Big Boss actively disliked,

and Solidus Snake, also known as George or occasionally Gorge, a freshman who suspiciously resembled a senior, whom Big Boss frequently wondered who this kid was and what the heck he was doing in his house.

Why are two teachers only joining the faculty some weeks _after_ the start of the semester? Who knows, don’t question it. Find words of wisdom in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme song: _Repeat to yourself, it’s just a_ ~~ _show_~~ _fic, I really should relax_.

Anyway, the Sears/Snake family all arrived at school sometime before the first bell. Big Boss immediately disappeared somewhere in the direction of the gym, and EVA turned to her three sons.

“This school is big enough,” she said, referring to the fact that aireyv went to the 65th largest public high school in the United States of America and therefore doesn’t know how to write the social workings of a _smaller_ school, “that no one should really care that you’re new. Or notice. And I’m sure all of you will be able to make new friends… or at least find a place in some social circle… as long as you _behave yourselves_ ,” she added with a significant glance at both Solid and Liquid. Mostly Liquid.

“Misbehave, us?” Liquid said innocently.

“You left your knife at home, didn’t you?” EVA said.

“Of course I did.”

“He didn’t,” Solidus volunteered.

“God fucking damn it Solidus this is why we can’t take you anywhere.”

Solid looked around as EVA confiscated Liquid’s weapons. It _was_ a big school, and a very vaguely-described one at that. He wondered if there was a convenient spot out back where he could smoke during lunch. Probably.

“Anyway,” EVA said, “ _try_ to get along with the other students, and don’t do anything that I wouldn’t- that your father wouldn’t— hmm. Okay, don’t do anything that your father or I _would_ do, is that clear?”

“That kind of rules out a lot,” Solid muttered. Liquid got the same insulted expression on his face that he always did when someone reminded him that he was, in fact, related to the guy married to his mother, and Solidus rolled his eyes.

“That’s the point. None of you are actually taking my class, and I assume none of you will actually want to see me at lunch, so I’ll see you at the end of the day.” And she cantered off to the teachers’ lounge.

Leaving the three teens that Big Boss “”””affectionately”””” nicknamed Les Enfants Terribles standing in the hallway.

Solidus checked his watch. “School doesn’t actually start for another 45 minutes.”

“Another 45 minutes?” Solid said, “what are we supposed to do until then?”

“We should find out where students usually congregate before the start of the schoolday,” Solidus said. “I think that would be-“

“The library,” Liquid guessed, and walked off in that direction without waiting for any input from his brothers whom he made no secret of resenting.

“…the cafeteria,” Solidus finished. “…hmph. Let him hang out in an empty room, then.” And he left for the cafeteria, expecting Solid to follow him.

He didn’t. Solid headed for the back of the building to have a cigarette.

_~SMOKING KILLS (this is a linebreak)~_

The library.

Whatever Solidus thought, there were actually quite a few people here. Most of them were effectively faceless students with no characterizations who only existed to boost the ostensible school populace. However, there were a few familiar faces… at least as far as you, the reader, are concerned; Liquid didn’t recognize anyone and didn’t expect to, either.

Liquid walked over to a group of kids who were all sitting together at one table, playing Magic: The Gathering. Well, three people were playing it, which the author assumes is a plausible number (having never played a game of Magic: The Gathering in their life): a pretty girl with long, viridescent blonde hair and awful green lipstick, a tall, totally ripped half-Inuit-half-Alaskan-native-looking bald boy with tribal tattoos, and a boy with such a weird freakin’ face that I’m not going to bother describing it and instead tell you straight up that it’s teenage!Decoy Octopus. They were being spectated by a freakishly skinny boy with messy red hair and a gas mask - which Liquid didn’t question - and four clearly mentally unstable girls: one Latina, one white, one Indonesian, and one black.

“Oh, hello,” the girl with the green lipstick said, looking up from her cards and greeting Liquid before he had the chance to say anything stupid in an attempt to introduce himself.

“…hello,” Liquid said.

“He is new here,” the redhead said without glancing at him.

“Name?” the bald one said.

Liquid briefly considered telling them his real name, then said, “Liquid Snake. And yes, I am new here. I’m a junior.” He left out the detail of both his parents being teachers.

“I am Raven, a senior.”

“I’m Wolf, and I’m a junior,” the girl said. “The one with the gas mask is Mantis, he is also a junior.” Mantis waved one hand lazily, still not looking at him.

“Octopus, senior,” said the one who had been previously identified anyway, selecting another card to do whatever it is you do in Magic: The Gathering, “nice to meet you, Liquid.”

“And… who are you?” Liquid said, looking at the four girls. The Latina one just made a vague shrieking sound, then shut her mouth again.

“Sophomores. We call them the B&B Corps,” Raven said, “because of how they dress.” That is, in catsuits that were probably against dress code, but no one seemed to notice or care. “They follow Mantis around.”

“Without my leave,” Mantis said, then, finally turning to face Liquid, gestured vaguely to them: “None of us have any idea what their names are, but we have named them ‘Raging Raven’, ‘Crying Wolf’, ‘Screaming Mantis’, and ‘Laughing Octopus’.”

“I see,” Liquid said, “which one is which?”

“Who knows?” Wolf said, playing a card, “none of them have real personalities, so they are all basically interchangeable. By the way, nice accent.”

A muscle in Liquid’s cheek twitched. “I could say the same to you.”

“I am a Kurd.”

Octopus rolls his eyes. “She finds an excuse to bring that up with everyone,” he told Liquid.

“Would you like to play?” Raven said, “we could always use more people.” (The author has just googled Magic: The Gathering and learned that it is indeed totally possible for four people to play.)

Liquid glanced at Mantis. “Why isn’t he playing?”

“He cheats,” Wolf said.

“He doesn’t even hide it,” Raven added.

“Never play a card game with a psychic,” Octopus advised.

Liquid blinked. “A _psychic?_ What kind of high school AU _is_ this?”

“ _Only_ a high school AU,” Mantis said disdainfully, “not an ‘everything is completely normal and everyone leads normal lives and has normal abilities’ AU.”

Wolf nodded. “That would be horribly boring.”

“I drive a tank to school,” Raven said.

One of the B&B Corps giggled. It almost covered up the clink of spurs behind Liquid, but it didn’t. He whirled around, ready to suplex a motherfucker.

Unfortunately said motherfucker was in fact one Revolver “Revolver Ocelot” Ocelot AKA Adam/ADAM/Adamska/Shalashaska, who looked like he did in The Phantom Pain for reasons that will be clear later, and was already known to Liquid as a friend _(“friend”)_ of his parents.

“Making friends, Eli?”

“What are _you_ doing here??”

“He’s a teacher,” Octopus said.

“A teacher?” Liquid looked at him suspiciously. “What do you teach?”

Ocelot shrugged. “Good question. Although you are in one of my classes.”

Liquid blinked, then dug his class schedule out of his pocket. He hadn’t looked at it yet, which was how he hadn’t noticed that he had a Mr. Ocelot for some subject the nature of which was not considered necessary information to the narrative.

“Shit,” he said.

_~DON’T DO DRUGS~_

Meanwhile, in the cafeteria.

Solidus encountered a similar situation as Liquid did, with the cafeteria largely being filled with generic stand-ins except for a table conveniently occupied by his future friend group. There was a long-legged black girl with blonde hair who was practicing her saxophone, a weird-looking fat kid who was tinkering with was Solidus _assumed_ was a clock, a gray-haired girl who was poring over a textbook, a black-haired girl who was making out with her exchange student boyfriend, and—

Wait.

Solidus _knew_ this exchange student boyfriend.

“Jack!” he said, striding over, “I haven’t seen you since elementary school!”

Jack started and pushed his girlfriend off his lap.

“ _Jack?_ ” said the fat one. “Is that your name?”

“No!!” Jack said, “my name is _Raiden!_ ”

The black girl stopped playing her sax and rolled her eyes. “Oh, please,” she said, “no one buys that stupid nickname you tried to give yourself. Everyone knows your real name is-“

“Jack?” said Jack’s girlfriend, “I like it.”

“You should,” Solidus said, “I gave him that name. I made him what he is today!”

“Oh, no,” Jack groaned, putting his head in his hands.

“How did you make him what he is today?” the gray-haired girl said in a thick Russian accent. “Where do you know him from?”

“Many years ago I was an exchange student to his hometown in Liberia,” Solidus explained, “it was there that I gave him his name: Jack the Ripper!”

“Just because you convinced me to stab that kid with a pair of scissors _doesn’t mean anything!_ ” Jack protested.

The Russian girl gave him a half-amused, half-disgusted look. “Well, Jack the Ripper, aren’t you going to introduce us to your father?”

“He’s not my-???“ Jack started, flabbergasted, then sighed. “Okay, fine. Everyone, this is George Sears, but for some reason a lot of people call him Solidus Snake. Sears, this is my girlfriend Rosemary - I call her Rose and she’s a freshman like me - and this is Olga Gurlukovich, a senior,” the Russian girl nodded, “Fatman, a junior,” the fat kid giggled girlishly from where he was working on his clock(?), “and Helena Dolph, another senior.”

“Call me Fortune,” she said, putting the saxophone aside to shake Solidus’ hand.

“Charmed,” Solidus said.

“Want some wine?” Fatman said, pulling out a conspicuously opaque water bottle.

“No thank you.”

A goateed janitor walked over. “Hello, children,” he said in a deep sexy voice, leaning on his mop and licking unnaturally sharp canines with an inhumanly long tongue.

“And that’s… Vamp,” Jack said, thumbing over to him, sounding somewhere between exasperated and terrified. “He’s, uh, _close_ to Fortune’s father.”

“Speaking of which,” Fortune said, “Vamp, did you-?”

“Yes, Queen,” Vamp said, pulling out a lunchbox and handing it to her.

 _Ah yes,_ Solidus decided, _this will be my new inner circle._

_~DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE~_

Meanwhile meanwhile, behind the building.

Solid blew out cigarette smoke into the morning air, grateful for the relative silence. He wasn’t overly introverted or anything, he just didn’t particularly appreciate being in crowds like the ones in the library or cafeteria. Back here, he was mostly alone.

Mostly. There was another guy out here, one with white-gray hair in triangle bangs and a black bandana.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” Solid said.

“…you must be one of the new kids, the Sears, right?”

Solid’s eyebrows drew together slightly. “How did you know?”

“Plot convenience.” He extended a hand. “Name’s Frank Jaeger, but you can call me Fox.”

Solid stared at his hand for half a moment before shaking it. “Snake.”

“You a junior?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m a senior. I can show you how things work around Kojima High.”

“Uh… thanks.”

Fox shrugged. “Don’t mention it. You’re transferring in because your mother’s one of the teachers now, aren’t you?”

Solid nodded. “And my father, Big Boss, is the gym coach.”

“Big Boss…? Huh, I didn’t think he had any kids. Anyway, I guess you’re in a similar boat as I am. My older sister Naomi is the school nurse.”

“Huh.”

A pretty girl with dark blond hair rounded the corner, carrying a duffel bug. “Frank, have you- oh, who’s this?”

“Snake,” Fox said, “he’s my new friend.”

“…I see.”

“Snake, this is Gustava Heffner, another senior. She’s my girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you,” Gustava said before Solid could. Solid just nodded awkwardly. “Anyway, Frank, have you seen Holly? I was supposed to speak with her…”

“Holly White? That junior who runs the school newspaper?”

“Yes, her.”

“No, I haven’t.”

Gustava pursed her lips, then said, “I’ll catch up with you two later, then.”

“Later,” Fox said with a wave of his hand as Gustava left. Solid just stared. He turned back to him. “So… bum a cig?”

Before Solid could tell him to get his own pack of cigarettes, a small bipedal robot on wheels zipped out from around the corner, followed by a muscular red-haired girl and a skinny nerd wearing a bully-bait animé hoodie.

 _Huh,_ Solid thought as animé hoodie boy snatched a PS3 controller away from the redhead, frowning at her, _cute._ He was referring to the girl, of course. 100%. Cute girl. Yes.

Absolutely.

The redheaded girl caught sight of Solid and Fox. “Oh, hi,” she said brightly.

“Sophomores,” Fox said in a stage-mutter.

“I’m a _junior_ ,” bully-bait said, frowning. “Uh… sorry, did we interrupt something?”

“No,” Solid said, then jerked his head towards the tiny robot. “What’s that?”

“I call it the Metal Gear Mk. II,” bully-bait said proudly, “I-“

“He and Mei Ling made it in the robotics club,” the redhead said, then put her hands on her hips. “By the way, I thought I just saw you hanging out with Wolf in the library…?”

Solid shook his head. “You must have seen my brother. I’m Solid Snake.”

“Meryl Silverburgh.”

“I’m Hal Emmerich,” bully-bait said, “but you can call me Otacon. It stands for-“

“Otacon, shut up,” Meryl said, “first impressions are important, remember?”

“Oh, right. Um…” Otacon adjusted his glasses. “hey, Snake, your parents are the new hires, right? Mei Ling mentioned a new Chinese teacher…”

Solid grunted noncommittally.

“Otacon’s parents are teachers too,” Meryl said helpfully.

“His dad is the robotics teacher,” Fox explained, “his mom is the programming teacher, and his other mom is the principal.”

“…The Boss isn’t my other mom,” Otacon said.

“Not according to Dr. Strangelove.”

“I wonder if that has anything to do with why your parents got divorced?” Meryl said.

Otacon shrugged uncomfortably.

_~ACTUALLY DON’T DRINK AT ALL~_

Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile, in the teachers’ lounge.

“So,” said Strangelove, “Eva, you said your name was?”

“EVA,” she corrected, emphasizing the capital letters.

“Ah, I see. Lovely name.”

EVA pretended she couldn’t tell that Strangelove was totally checking out her tits. She probably thought EVA couldn’t see where her eyes were directed under her sunglasses.

A blonde woman with a bandana swept into the room, followed by a muscular woman with a yellow scarf. “Finally,” said the blonde in a dramatic French accent, “another language teacher! My name is Cécile Cosima Caminades, I teach French.”

“Amanda Valenciano Libre,” said the other woman, shaking EVA’s hand. “I’m the Spanish teacher.”

“I also run the birdwatching club,” Cécile said. “Amanda runs the X-Files fan club.”

“I’m just the teacher sponsor,” Amanda said, “my little brother is a senior here. He founded it.”

“Oh,” EVA said. Were they trying to tell her she should look into clubs?

“School clubs are completely unnecessary,” said Strangelove dismissively, “just an excuse for students to waste time on school property instead of going home and doing their homework.”

“You don’t even assign your students homework,” Amanda said.

The bell rang.

“We’d better go,” EVA said, somewhat pointlessly.

“Do you know where your classroom is?” Strangelove said.

She didn’t actually, but nonetheless EVA nodded. She’d figure it out herself - she _was_ married, after all.

_~ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR YOU~_

The bell rang and the library went completely silent.

“Uh,” Liquid said in a low voice, “why-?”

“No talking above a whisper allowed in the library during school hours,” Octopus whispered.

“The librarian will literally kill you if you make too much noise,” Wolf explained.

Liquid glanced around. “I don’t see a librarian around.”

“Ms. Quiet has been the teacher sponsor for the sharpshooting club ever since The End retired,” Wolf whispered. “You don’t need to see her.”

“Wolf here is the captain,” Raven added, then stood up. “We had better get to class.”

“We have the same first class,” Mantis said, glancing at Liquid again, “just follow me.” One of the B&B Corps softly wept. Liquid nodded.

They left the library, Mantis shooed away the B&B Corps - one of them gave him the middle finger - and they made their way to one of the history classrooms. There was no conversation. Liquid was brooding.

“You’re very angry,” Mantis said to him just before they entered the classroom.

Liquid gave him an irritated glare instead of responding.

“I like that. I have decided that you are my new best friend. Come sit next to me.” And since Mantis kicked some nameless student we don’t care about out of their seat to free it up, Liquid decided to do so.

 _Weird kid,_ he thought, but he’d never had a best friend before… well, _any_ friend before since Ocelot absolutely didn’t count, so…

An astronaut with a flamethrower walked into the classroom. “Ah,” he said in a very boisterous voice, “now I remember, we have a new student. Eli Sears, correct?”

Liquid made the :/ face.

“I am The Fury, and I am your new history teacher.” He pointed his flamethrower at him, and Liquid leaned back in his seat. “And there will be no talking, texting, or playing on your phone in my class.”

This was going to be a _really_ weird year.

_~DRINK LOTS OF WATER~_

“—in a small village. I was still a child when we were raided by soldiers. Foreign soldiers. Torn from my elders, I was made to speak their language. With each new post, my masters changed along with the words they made me speak. With each change, I changed, too. My thoughts, personality, how I saw right and wrong. Words can kill…”

Solid discreetly pulled his phone out and texted Fox under the desk. “does anyone ever learn anything in this class?”

Fox’s response was almost immediate, so he apparently wasn’t paying attention in his class, either. “which class”

“english. mr skull face”

“lol no no one has ever learned anything, its an essay class anyway just bs your way through them”

Solid glanced up. Skull Face was still talking in that voice of his that made panties of all genders spontaneously combust (disclaimer: author’s opinions are not their own). “I was invaded by words, burrowing and breeding inside me. A philosopher once said, ‘It is no nation we inhabit, but a language. Make no mistake, our native tongue is our true fatherland.’ My fatherland - my _truth_ was stolen from me. And so was my past. All that's left is the future. And mine is revenge. On those who'd leech off the words of their fellow man.”

“why is he even allowed to teach this class?” Solid texted as Skull Face promised to exterminate the English language.

“lmao i have no idea”

_~IT’S IMPORTANT TO STAY HYDRATED~_

The freshman biology teacher was a man made out of 60,000 bees who called himself The Pain and also never shut up about hornets.

Solidus was 90% sure this wasn’t supposed to be in the curriculum.

To be honest, though, who actually cares about Solidus thinks?

_~EAT YOUR VEGETABLES~_

Lunchtime rolled around and _conveniently_ all the major characters had the same lunch period. They did not, however, all sit together.

Solidus sat with Fortune, Fatman, Rose, and Raiden (as he’ll be referred to in the narration from now on), despite Raiden’s objections. Liquid sat with Raven, Octopus, Wolf, Mantis, and the B&B Corps who suddenly appeared out of nowhere at the beginning of the lunch period. Solid sat with Meryl, Otacon, Fox, Gustava, Otacon’s friend Mei Ling, and a painfully white girl with a green headband who turned out to be Holly White, that junior who ran the school newspaper.

All three Snakes were rather glad that their respective lunch groups were on opposite sides of cafeteria from each other.

“Do you actually know how to play Magic?” Octopus said.

“…no,” Liquid said, “the only card game I’ve played since I was ten is solitaire.”

“What happened when you were ten?” Raven said.

“I got into a fight with my brothers over a game of Go Fish. We ended up in the emergency room; since then, no one’s ever wanted to play cards with me.”

Wolf shrugged. “Four players are easier to handle than three.”

“We tried to train the B&B Corps to play Magic,” said Octopus, “but so far we’ve only got them up to Uno.” One of the B&B Corps laughed. “And they’re not even very good at that.”

“I see,” said Liquid.

“I can show you how to play,” Mantis said, handing him a deck.

“You had better not help him cheat,” Wolf said warningly.

“Yes,” Raven said, “if he is going to cheat, then he must learn how to do it himself.”

On the other side of the cafeteria, Solidus and his new inner circle were discussing the upcoming student body elections.

“Maybe you should run for student body president,” Fortune said, “you are a senior, aren’t you?”

“He’s a freshman,” Raiden said rudely, “he’s in my math class.”

“Don’t talk to your father that way,” Solidus said.

“You’re not my-!! Why do you keep saying that?!”

“Maybe he’s a senior taking freshman courses,” Rose said, “he _looks_ like a senior.”

“That wouldn’t look good on a campaign poster,” Fatman said, still working on his clock that looked like a bomb. Or bomb that looked like a clock. Either one.

“Perhaps becoming student body president isn’t such a bad idea,” Solidus said. “Would you four like to be my campaign team?”

“Of course! ♥︎” Rose said, somehow inserting an emoticon into her dialogue.

“Sounds like fun,” Fatman said, drinking out of his conspicuously opaque water bottle through a bendy straw.

“Vamp can help us, too,” Fortune said.

“Count _me_ out,” Raiden said. “In fact, I’ll tell everyone in the school that you’re not really a senior!”

“No one’s going to believe you, Jack,” Rose said.

“That’s not my name!”

“Incidentally, where is Olga?” Solidus said, looking around.

“She’s on a work credit program,” Fortune said, “so she leaves school after four classes to go to her job. I hear she works to support a child.”

Solidus raised an eyebrow. “Teen mother?” he said.

“Little sister,” Rose said, “I think.”

“I’m not sure the ages would match up if she really _were_ Sunny’s mom,” Raiden said.

On the _other_ other side of the cafeteria, Otacon and Mei Ling were trying to explain to Solid how the Metal Gear Mk. II worked. Solid really didn’t get it.

“Ah well,” Mei Ling said, “you know, in China they say ‘Present afflictions may tend to our future good.’ That means that even if you’re not very technically-minded, there still might be a situation sometime where your way of thinking would be the most useful!”

Solid just kind of stared at her. Was she insulting him? Before he could ask, someone behind him said, “Very good, Mei Ling. Now, how do you say that in Chinese?”

Solid glanced over his shoulder to see EVA standing there just as Mei Ling said, “良药苦口 (Liángyào kǔkǒu).”

“She’s just taking the Chinese class for an easy ‘A’ anyway,” Otacon muttered, “she already speaks fluent Chinese. Her parents are literally _from China_.”

“Mom?” Solid said, “what are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to see how my sons were doing on their first day of school,” EVA said, “except it looks like George is planning something and Eli is playing some nerd card game.”

“Magic: The Gathering?” Gustava said.

“That’s the one,” EVA said, “I think his new friends are teaching him how to play it.”

“Wow,” Holly said, “like, the group who hangs out in the library every morning? How did they teach someone to play Magic? They couldn’t even teach _the B &B Corps_.”

Solid was mostly just surprised Liquid had managed to make _friends_.

“To be fair,” Fox said, “I’m pretty sure the entire B&B Corps has one brain between the four of them, and it’s not a very good one.”

“ _I_ taught them to distribute yearbooks for me,” Holly said, “I’m sure that’s totally more complex than Magic. They just don’t know how to, like, give good instructions.”

“Huh,” Gustava said, “this explains why my yearbook last year was missing a cover.”

“You didn’t question that until now?” Meryl said.

“I didn’t actually care very much…”

“Well,” EVA said, “you all seem like nice people. But I’m sure I’m embarrassing David…”

Solid shrugged. EVA smiled, then wandered off, and he turned to Fox.

“How long until lunch is over? I haven’t had a smoke yet.”

“Cigarettes are bad for you, you know,” Otacon said. Solid rolls his eyes. “By the way, what’s your next class?”

Solid checked his schedule. “Econ with Mr. Miller.”

“We call him ‘Hell Master’ Miller,” Fox said. Solid mostly knew him as ‘Kaz’, though, since he was another teacher who was previously friends _(“friends”)_ with his parents, or at least with his dad. (Emphasis on “previously”.)

“He’s the teacher sponsor for the animé club,” Otacon said. “Snake, you should join!”

Both Meryl and Mei Ling shook their heads at him from outside Otacon’s field of vision. “…no,” Snake said.

“Aww…”

_~EAT YOUR FRUIT, TOO~_

Right after lunch was EVA’s planning period. A deceptively young-looking woman walked into her classroom. She looked incredibly white for a Latina, but then again EVA _was_ incredibly white for a Chinese woman.

“You must be the administrator, Pacifica Ocean, right?” EVA said.

She smiled blandly. “I go by Paz Ortega Andrade around here,” she said in a high-pitched voice, “I am just here to check up on the new hires for the superintendent — David Oh?”

“Yes, I know Zero,” EVA said, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. “For your information, I’m settling in quite nicely. I haven’t met all of the other staff yet, though.”

“I’m sure you will by the end of the week.”

“Mm.”

There was kind of an awkward pause.

“Have you met Dr. Strangelove yet?” Paz said.

EVA nodded, exasperated. “What’s your workplace sexual harassment policy at this school?”

“We don’t have one. The Boss says we should just deal with unwanted advances however we see fit.” The tone of her voice made it very clear that that that often meant violence, and possibly wanton mass destruction.

“Oh.” Oh well. That suited EVA just fine.

_~DON’T NEGLECT YOUR PROTEIN~_

Unfortunately, Solid and Liquid were in the same gym class. Fortunately (mostly for Liquid), it didn’t seem to be the one run by their father. It was instead a guy who… looked exactly like Big Boss… except with a few minor differences like more scars, a horn, and a prosthetic arm. Minor differences or not, everyone in the class except Solid and Liquid seemed to think that this Big Boss was in fact _the_ Big Boss who was married to the new Chinese teacher and none of them really seemed to care for the rumors of a _new_ gym coach.

Ocelot had been talking to the man before class started, though, and Solid had overheard him refer to him as ‘V’, which gave you, the reader, _more_ than enough information for me, the author, to name him as Venom Snake in the prose.

“I’m confused,” Otacon said.

“There must be two gym coaches, obviously,” Liquid said, crossing his arms huffily. “Although I do wonder why they look exactly alike…”

“It will not be explained at any point,” Mantis said.

Solid just raised his eyebrows as Venom walked over to them. “David, Eli,” he said in a surprisingly soft voice, “I need to see you two in my office.”

They exchanged glances, then Solid shrugged at Otacon and both he and Liquid went to Venom’s office, leaving Mantis and Otacon standing awkwardly together.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with you in my life,” Otacon said at length, “…what’s up with the gas mask?”

“You were just hoping to use Snake as a distraction so you could skip gym,” Mantis said instead of answering his question.

Otacon flushed, caught out. “I don’t _like_ gym. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen you do anything in this class since the semester started, either…”

“Exercise is for people who actually need to use their bodies to do things,” Mantis said dismissively.

“Um… okay…”

Meanwhile in the office, Venom was telling Solid and Liquid about the school’s football program and how The Boss had already given permission - and in fact recommended - for the two of them to join the team, despite being partway into the semester already.

“I don’t know,” Solid said, “I’m not very big on organized sports…”

“He prefers _dog-sledding_ ,” Liquid said with a sarcastic eyeroll, “although I must admit _football_ doesn’t sound like _my_ idea of a good time, either.”

“We don’t do football the same way other schools do,” Venom said, “since the football team is the obligatory metaphor for a military unit in this fic, and this _is_ still Metal Gear Solid… we actually ‘win’ football games by sabotaging the opponent high school the night before the game, forcing them to forfeit.”

“Forcing them to forfeit?” Solid said.

“Oh,” Liquid said. “That _does_ sound like my idea of a good time.”

“I guess we’ll join the team, then,” Solid said.

“Then,” Venom said, standing up again, walking out from behind the desk, and giving them both a paternal pat on the shoulder that Solid didn’t mind but Liquid went completely rigid at, “you’re both Diamond Dogs now. Practices are after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

They exited the office to find that Mantis had completely disappeared and Otacon was being picked on by some nameless students. Venom either didn’t notice these things or was completely used to them; Liquid was conflicted about whether he should go find out where Mantis went or not; Solid decided to observe for now and see what Otacon did with the bullies. And anyway Venom interrupted them by actually starting class two minutes later, telling everyone to go get dressed out.

“So what was that all about?” Otacon asked once they were inside the locker room.

“My brother and I just joined the football team,” Liquid said smugly, “by the way, am I _required_ to wear a shirt, or is it optional?”

…I’ll just leave that ambiguous…

_~EXERCISE IS LITERALLY A NAUTRAL ANTI-DEPRESSANT~_

School was over for the day, and it was time to go home. Solidus walked through the parking lot, passing by a tank with parking tags, only for the family sedan to pass him by with Big Boss driving and Solid sitting in the passenger seat.

“Um, Dad,” Solid said as Big Boss didn’t even slow as they passed Solidus, “we just passed Solidus.”

“Who?” Big Boss said.

Solidus briefly considered waiting for EVA to be done with her after-school grading/lesson planning/whatever it is that occupies teachers’ times immediately after school hours, but decided against it since it would take a while. He instead took the ~~helicopter~~ bus home, which was driven by an immortal BAMF that everyone loved known only as Pequod.

Big Boss didn’t actually _allow_ Liquid in his car, but Liquid didn’t mind waiting for EVA to be done with her teacher stuff since Raven told him about the gas station next to the school where students would hang out in the parking lot after-hours. It was run by a very old, blind Navajo man that everyone called Code Talker.

“Hmm,” he said when Liquid and Wolf entered the convenience store to buy a bag of chips to share, “this one is new.”

“He is,” Wolf said. “Both of his parents work at the school.”

“I am sorry to hear that. But, I suppose it is better than that one student whose _divorced_ parents both work at the school.”

“Dr. Strangelove and Dr. Emmerich?” Liquid said as Wolf paid for the chips.

“Yes… they had one son before divorcing. Dr. Strangelove has custody of him on weekends; Dr. Emmerich remarried, to another British woman who has one daughter, an eighth-grader. I have heard that Dr. Strangelove is still trying to convince The Boss and her husband, The Sorrow, to engage in a sexual threesome with her. Mostly The Boss.”

Liquid blinked. “The Sorrow? Isn’t he the school counselor?”

“Yes,” Wolf said.

Well, he felt slightly better about having to attend the school both his parents worked at now. That asshole Ocelot _voluntarily worked_ at the school both of _his_ parents worked at.

As they returned to the parking lot Liquid asked what was up with Code Talker.

“Oh, he just likes to gossip,” Wolf said.

“He knows _all_ the drama at the school - and the whole town, really,” Octopus said, “so if you ever want an update on the social situation, just go talk to him.”

“That sounds oddly like a video game mechanic,” Liquid said.

“It shouldn’t,” Octopus said, “this isn’t one of those semi-interactive fics, at least until the author runs out of ideas.”

“Speaking of ideas,” Mantis said, “Eli, why did you think it was a good one to join the football team?”

“You joined the football team?” Raven said.

“It sounded fun,” Liquid said, eating a chip, “and it’s the perfect opportunity to show up Snake.”

“I would have invited you to the sharpshooting club,” Wolf said, “but we meet on Tuesdays, which is across from football practice.”

“Shame,” Liquid said, although he wasn’t particularly interested in sharpshooting in and of itself. It was just that only other person he knew of who was also on the football team was _Solid_ , and so far he’d actually _gotten along with_ Wolf… and Raven, and Octopus, and even Mantis, despite how weird he was. Maybe he had actually, for the first time in his life— made some _friends???_

…it had only been a day. It was too soon to call it. They’d probably all be fed up with him by the end of the week, even Mantis.

Also, he still wasn’t sure about the B&B Corps. They were hogging the chips.

_~JUST SAY NO TO NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION~_

When EVA and Liquid got home, Solid was standing outside, talking to the neighbor girl, a little gray-haired girl who was in, like, third grade. She hid behind Solid when EVA approached.

“Who’s this, David?” EVA said.

Solid glanced awkwardly behind him. “Sunny Gurlukovich,” he said, “she just got home from school. Apparently whoever used to live in our house babysat her.”

“Where are your parents?” EVA asked Sunny.

“Um…” Sunny said.

 _Either away and/or ambiguously dead for plot reasons_ , EVA thought, _or they weren’t even named characters in the first place. Or her family relationships were completely messed up by the AU, either one._

“Looks like she’s taken a liking to you, David,” EVA said.

“Yep,” Solid said, somewhat uncomfortably.

“Well, if she needs a new babysitter…”

Solid shook his head. “I’m after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

“Oh, right. Eli told me.” She frowned slightly. “Hmm. Maybe George…? It’s not like he’d be doing anything better with his time…”

“I think you’d need to take it up with her sister, first, anyway,” Solid muttered.

Later, their neighbor on the other side came over with a plate of cookies. Big Boss opened the door, took one look at him, then closed it again.

“Snake, who was that?” EVA called from upstairs.

“No one,” he said.

EVA sighed, walked downstairs, brushed past Big Boss, and opened the door herself.

It was Raikov. “Tatyana?” he said in surprise.

“Oh,” EVA said, quickly plastering on a rather fake smile, “Ivan Raidenovitch. I haven’t seen you since college.”

“I didn’t think it would be _you_ who moved in next to us,” he said.

“Us?”

“Yevgeny and I.” He made an expression that for the sake of convenience will be described as >:3c-ish. “We’re married now, and he works at the high school.”

EVA required a screenshot to properly describe the amount of ‘totally fucking done’ in her expression.

“I see,” she said.

“Anyway~ I thought I’d bring some cookies over for the new neighbors.”

They were Oreos.

Raikov was not a good housewife.

Big Boss confiscated the Oreos before EVA could tell Raikov to take his store-bought cookies and piss off, so she told him to regular piss off and shut the door.

“Stop eating those,” EVA told Big Boss, “you’ll spoil your dinner.”

“Who’s making dinner?” Big Boss said.

“George.”

“…is _that_ who that was in our kitchen?”

_~MGSV:TPP WAS A GOOD GAME~_

“Yep,” Huey said, looking over the ominously-backlit-for-dramatic-effect structure of angular steel, not yet brought forth to its full height. “This’ll work great.”

He took a sip out of his I ♥︎ Hideo Kojima High School mug. “This is all _her_ fault, anyway,” he continued, speaking to an otherwise empty room.

“Nothing could possibly go wrong.”


	2. Paid for by The Foundation for a Smokefree AO3

Tuesday morning, day two at Kojima High School, not all indicative of a “going through every single day in the school year one-by-one” format. Impressively enough, both Liquid and Solidus were accepted back into the company of the groups they’d been hanging out with the day before, with the exception of Raiden still blatantly and openly disliking Solidus.

“You got me _suspended_ from an _elementary school!_ ” he fumed.

“Oh, come on, Jack,” Fatman said, disregarding the school’s alleged zero-tolerance policy on alcohol, “that was _years_ ago.”

“That’s not my name!”

Solid stepped outside in the back of the building to smoke a cigarette before school started (and maybe run into Fox there again), but Big Boss was already out there, smoking a cigar and talking to Venom, who was vaping.

“I don’t know anything about women,” Big Boss said. Venom looked disappointed and vaguely confused - after all, Big Boss was married, how could he _not_ know anything about women?

The two of them together was… kind of weird to look at, so Solid left again, deciding to just wander the hallways for now and put up with the nicotine craving until lunch (or until English, Skull Face seemed like the kind of teacher who’d let you leave for a “bathroom break” and not notice when you don’t come back). He ran into Otacon outside the robotics classroom.

“Talking to your dad?” he said as they started walking in the vague direction of the staircases.

Otacon frowned. “Uh, yeah. There’s something kind of weird about his class, have you noticed, Snake?”

“I’ve only been in that class once so far,” Solid said.

“There’s a couple students who fail all their assignments but still have pretty good grades. It doesn’t add up — I think my father’s giving them extra credit for some reason.”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

“Not in and of itself, but depending on what he’s giving out extra credit _for_ … or if he’s giving out extra credit for no reason… I dunno, Snake.” He shrugged helplessly. “Maybe I should mention it to The Boss this weekend.”

“Is it really that big a deal?” Snake said.

“Probably not. It’s just that my father, uh, doesn’t always make the best decisions.”

“I know what _that’s_ like,” Snake said.

They passed Paz putting up ☮THIS SCHOOL IS A VAPE-FREE ZONE☮ signs.

“Someone should probably tell the gym teacher,” Otacon commented, “and my father.”

_~REAL MEN DO COCAINE~_

“That is _cheating,_ ” Octopus said dramatically, slamming his cards down at the table.

“What makes you say that?” Liquid said mildly. “It’s within the rules as they were explained to me.”

“Then Mantis explained them to you _wrong._ ”

“I did not,” Mantis said. Behind him, one of the B&B Corps growled.

Raven looked over at Liquid’s card. “He is right. This is within the rules. Liquid has picked up on how to play this game very quickly…”

“Why do you even _have_ that card?” Wolf said, also looking at Liquid’s card.

“I’m still using Mantis’ deck…”

“Mantis’ deck is rigged,” Octopus said mutinously. One of the B&B Corps moaned piteously.

“You’re just upset because you are losing,” Mantis said.

_~DONATE TO MY PAYPAL~_

No one actually cared about what Solidus did that morning, so the narrative skipped forward to his math class, where The Fear was using his freaky dislocateable limbs to write formulae all over the whiteboard.

“Thissss _will_ be on the test,” he said.

Raiden, in the seat next to Solidus, was fast asleep. When he let out a snore, The Fear whipped out a crossbow and fired it, its bolt hitting the desk squarely about an inch away from Raiden’s nose. He jerked awake, and stared at the still-quivering arrow in horror.

“Pay attention in class,” The Fear said, “or you will feel even _more_ of _the fearrrrr_ …”

“Are all American schools like this?” Raiden asked no one in particular under his breath.

“This one is, evidently,” Solidus replied.

_~COFFEE IS BAD FOR YOU, ACTUALLY~_

Skull Face barely noticed when Solid asked if he could go to the restroom, so Solid figured it would be safe to hit the back of the building. To his marginal surprise, he found Fox there.

“Hey,” Fox said, “didn’t see you this morning, Snake.”

Solid shrugged. “Are you skipping class?”

“Who, me? _Never_ ,” Fox said innocently, “you out here on a smoke break?”

“Apparently not,” Solid said, putting a cigarette between his lips and lighting up.

“Do your parents know you smoke?”

“Not sure. It’s never come up. Dad smokes cigars, so I don’t think the smell would give me away or anything.”

“I don’t know about that,” Fox said, scrutinizing him, “cigars and cigarettes smell different.”

“Isn’t your sister the school nurse? Does _she_ know you tried to bum a cigarette off me yesterday?”

Fox laughed. “Yeah, but what’s she going to do about it?”

He - or at least, Solid - was answered, but not by Nurse Hunter; instead he was answered by a real cougar of a woman suddenly appearing out of nowhere and CQCing the cigarette out of his hands.

“What are you two doing?” The Boss said in a very forceful, demanding, and intimidating - but not angry - tone. Both Solid and Fox stood up very straight, almost on instinct.

“Um,” Fox said.

“Uh… not…” Solid tried, but trailed off.

“You’re underaged! You shouldn’t be smoking!” The Boss said, then swept her arm commandingly, “go back to class.”

“Yes, Boss!” Fox said, then ran off. Literally ran. The Boss was scary.

“Sorry, Boss,” Solid said. He always felt weird when he talked to her, vaguely like he was talking to his grandmother, although she didn’t really _look_ old enough to be a grandmother despite the grown-ass son totally old enough to have kids of his own if he weren’t as gay as these hideous affronts to God I found on Google Images.

Seriously, no one has any business wearing those. Have little self-respect.

“Just go back to class, David,” The Boss said firmly.

“Yes, Boss,” Solid said quickly, and left. He was tempted to just find someplace else to hide, at least until she were busy with something else, but _something_ told him he wouldn’t be able to get away with it.

_~MARIJUANA IS THE DEVIL’S LETTUCE~_

The narrative skipped forward again, this time to after school. Solidus caught the bus home again - somewhat resigned to having to do this every day - but before he left EVA told him that she’d had a talk with Olga and they had both decided that Solidus should look after Sunny after she got home from school, until Olga got home from work. Without Solidus’ input on the matter.

Granted, it was either him or Raikov, and why would anyone trust Raikov around kids? Sunny wandering off and getting hit by a car while he was watching soap operas was the _optimistic_ prediction.

Still, Solidus didn’t want to do it, since he doubted Olga would appreciate him teaching Sunny valuable life skills like how to stab other children with scissors. So he accosted Raiden on the bus.

“What?” Raiden said, “why should I do your babysitting for you?”

“Because I told you to,” Solidus said.

“…again, _why?_ ”

“You ungrateful brat,” Solidus started, but Raiden groaned and put his head in his hands.

“Fine, I’ll watch her until Olga gets home — if only so you’ll shut up already! You’re lucky I only live one street over…”

“Very good, Jack,” Solidus said, and Raiden groaned again.

And that was how Raiden ended up at the Gurlukovichs’ house. He stared at Sunny. Sunny stared at him. He wasn’t good with kids. She wasn’t good with strangers.

Raiden wondered how inappropriate it would be for him to invite Rose over.

“D-D-Do you l-like… video g-games?” Sunny said.

“…sure?” Raiden said.

“Did y-you b-bring a laptop? W-We could play Overwatch,” she said.

“Um, no,” Raiden said. “But I like that game, so I could bring my laptop next time.” He assumed that she wanted to watch him play it…

Sunny smiled at him, and he somehow felt like he was making progress. “Don’t f-forget!”

_~HEROIN CHIC IS FOR BORED POSERS~_

Meanwhile, back at Kojima High, Solid and Liquid were at their first football practice. So was the school nurse. Not the senior one with a doctorate, no, it was Fox’s older sister, Naomi. Apparently all new recruits had to do physicals.

Liquid was dragged off first, which gave Solid the chance to speak to Meryl, whom he was surprised to find on the football team.

“I didn’t know football was co-ed,” he said.

“It is the way _we_ do it,” Fox, who was (fairly unsurprisingly) the team captain, said, “but Meryl’s not _technically_ on the team. She just attends practices.”

“So… like a ch-“

“ _Not_ like a cheerleader,” Meryl said, putting her hands on her hips. “I want to join the football team, too! It’s just that Big Boss and my uncle both say that freshmen and sophomores shouldn’t be sneaking into other schools at night…”

“Your uncle?” Solid said.

“He’s just a substitute teacher,” Fox said, “but apparently he was a big ‘football’ star back when _he_ was in high school.”

Liquid came back, rubbing his arm moodily like he’d been given an injection and wasn’t very happy about it (the former of which was a possibility and the latter of which was a certainty). “Your turn, brother.”

Solid was taken to the school’s clinic, and met there by Naomi. She was… kind of pretty but also somehow gave off an aura of [basically this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBHwjAITJg).

Might have been the affected British accent that was even faker than Liquid’s. “Hello, Dave,” she said with a bland smile. “We just need to ensure you’re in peak physical condition before you’re allowed to join a sports team. Liability concerns, you know.”

“I didn’t know this school took liability for anything,” Solid said.

“Well, no. But Big Boss insists on it.” She snapped on a pair of rubber gloves, rather ominously.

She led him over to a scale and tried to make casual conversation while she recorded his height and weight. "So, Dave, is there anyone you like?"

"What?" Solid said. "No, not really."

"Really? No one in this school's caught your eye yet? ...what about Meryl? She's pretty, isn't she? And only a year below you..."

"I... only met her yesterday..." Although she  _was_ pretty, and since she was (sort of) also on the football team they did have something in common...

She clicked her ballpoint pen authoritatively. “Now, Dave, get undressed.”

_~REAL DEPRESSION HOURS WHO UP HIT KUDOS~_

Solid walked back to the gym, rubbing his arm where Naomi had injected him with “just don’t worry about it, Dave.” _Why was it a fade-to-black there?_ he thought, _that’s just horrifying._

“Got the all-clear from Naomi?” Venom said when Solid showed up again. Solid nodded. “Good. We can get started.”

He took out a cardboard box and placed it on the floor in front of everyone.

“This,” he said very seriously, “is your most valuable ally.”

_~KAZ MILLER IS COOL, MILLER MOTHS ARE NOT~_

 Meanwhile, at the sharpshooting club.

“How is it going with Saladin?” Wolf said, plunking away at a target all the way in The End’s yard.

Quiet shrugged noncommittally.

“Is he still oblivious?”

Quiet nodded.

“Hmm… I don’t think I know how you can make him notice you…”

She shrugged again, again noncommittally, then tilted her head at Wolf, as if to say, ‘Well, how’s _your_ love life going?’

“That nerd who runs the animé club still has a crush on me,” Wolf said.

Quiet smiled knowingly.

“Perhaps I should take pity on him one of these days…”

Perhaps she should also ask Quiet to ask The End to stop sunbathing naked in his yard on practice days, one of these days.

_~CUCUMBER WATER IS DELICIOUS~_

EVA had found on the town’s Facebook group - sandwiched between call-out posts - a list of Overwatch usernames. Apparently it was just a thing here that a whole bunch of people played the game and all had each other friended, so that there was kind of a pseudo-LAN party that encompassed the whole town. Figuring that she deserved a break after a long day of teaching, and also just having rescued Liquid from being yelled at by his father for like the fourth time since he and Solid came home from school, EVA holed up in her room, locked the door, pulled out her laptop, and added a whole bunch of people to her friends list.

Within five minutes she was in a custom match. In all likelihood at least one other players was one of her students, so she vaguely hoped that no one would associate BIG_MAMA with the new Chinese teacher at Kojima High.

And then she got completely slaughtered by a level 900 Sombra on the enemy team.

“Who even has that kind of free time,” EVA muttered.


	3. REJECTED PILOT, ATTEMPT ONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written by my older brother, who is the one who helped me formulate this whole stupid AU in the first place.  
> And by written I mean at the same time he and my younger brother came up with a similarly cracky high school AU for Xenoblade Chronicles. He wrote this for that and then found+replaced the names. Badly. And then I didn't edit it. At all.
> 
> I feel this deserves a place here nonetheless. The real episode 3 goes up tomorrow. ; )

On today’s very special episode of _MGSHSAU_ …

“Jack! I’m pregnant! And _you’re_ the father!”

Teen pregnancy’s nothing to laugh about! Learn with Raiden, Rose, and friends in the next episode of _MGSHSAU_!

* * *

 It was a normal day for Raiden Sears of MGSHSAU, the premier of high school of Mother Base City. Raiden was one of the more nerdy members of the athletics club at the school. Some said he was the spitting image of the teacher coach of the club, Coach Big Boss, but that was just crazy talk, right? Anyway, Raiden seemed to be living the ideal life until his girlfriend, Rose, told him a secret…

“Jack,” she said, pulling him over to his locker one day, “Jack, there’s something you need to know.”

“What’s that, Rose?” Raiden asked, full of teenage courtesy as always.

Rose gave Raiden a weak smile. “Jack. I’m pregnant. And _you’re_ the father.”

Dun dun duh!

It was like a brick had been thrown through Raiden’s world. Rose... was _pregnant_? “B-But we used protection!” Raiden said.

“True, but you know that that’s not always enough. The only way to prevent pregnancy would’ve been 100% abstinence,” Rose said, looking at Raiden and sounding far more cheerful than Raiden felt. “You know, Jack, now we should calmly and reasonably think of how we’re going to adjust to this life as parents at only 17.”

“B-But I’m not ready-“

“We could have Campbell raise him or her, or we could put them up for adoption. We could also discuss abortion, but that might get angry letters to the station,” Rose said, still seemingly entirely oblivious to the situation. “Or we could just raise him or her ourselves.”

“But Rose-“

“I mean, obviously considering the fact that we’ve known each other for so long and we’ve been going out for years, we’re going to get married. So I guess this is just a head start. Right, Jack?” Rose said.

Raiden gulped. “Uh, Rose, still-“

“Unless you’re eyeing someone else,” Rose continued, and added a little grumpily, “like that Emma Emmerich, always going around acting like a princess. Well, I suppose she _is_ the robotics teacher’s daughter, but still, she’s always going for you when we’re already together!”

It was odd to hear Rose talk about Emma like this when they were best friends. “Or maybe Fortune!” Rose exclaimed.

“Vamp’s girlfriend?” Raiden said.

“Yes Vamp’s girlfriend! I know that Solidus has a thing for her, do you too?” Rose demanded. “I don’t trust her. You’re not going to go after another woman are you!?”

Raiden blinked. Rose was also good friends with Fortune. “Next you’re going to say I’ve got a thing for Mrs. Para-Medic,” Raiden said.

Rose teared up. “So it’s true!”

“N-No, Rose, you’re the only woman for me!” Raiden pleaded. He had to get out of this, and he was pretty sure that pregnant women didn’t act like this…

“Then what about that Snake! I’ve seen the way you look at him!” Rose yelled.

“L-Leave Snake out of this!” Raiden said. Rose frowned and kept glaring at him. “Alright, if I promise to marry you will you stop freaking out about who I date?”

“Oh, yes, of course!” Rose said. Then she gave Raiden a big smile, pivoted about, and ran off, humming.

“What just happened?” Raiden said.

“She was not really pregnant,” Snake said suddenly, appearing at Raiden’s side. “She merely came up with that so that you’d agree to marry you. She made a bet with Solidus I believe.”

“ _WHAT!?_ Why would she scare me like that!?” Raiden said.

Snake shrugged. “Well, it _was_ my idea,” he said, “to teach you about the risks of teen pregnancy. But I see Rose ran with it. Oh well.” And he walked off, leaving Raiden more confused about teen pregnancy, Rose, and Snake than ever before.


	4. REJECTED PILOT, ATTEMPT TWO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is exactly the same as the last one in that it was originally for The Xenoblade Chronicles High School AU That Never Was and then very, very poorly edited to be MGS - and it's much more obvious this time. As in, if you're even passingly familiar with Xenoblade Chronicles, you'll probably be able to figure out who replaced who... although it isn't consistent with the previous chapter... Please note that both this chapter and the preceding one were literally written like six months ago, for real. (Actually I don't remember, but rest assured it was a _very_ long time before I actually started this fic.)
> 
> Again, the real episode 3 goes up tomorrow.

On today’s very special episode of _MGSHSAU_ …

“Now it’s Snake time!” Snake said as he pulled out a case of beers. Yes, time to kick back and enjoy the Snake life…

But Snake learns that alcohol is not a good thing! Learn with Snake, Metal Gear REX, and friends in the next episode of _MGSHSAU_!

* * *

 Snake was one of the burliest players on MGSHSAU’s football team. Coach Big Boss and Coach Venom worked him hard, but Snake enjoyed being on the team. But Snake also enjoyed his beers. That was, until his friends decided to stage an intervention…

One day, Snake had just got home from football practice when he decided to pull out a can of beer. How he loved drinking. He loved drinking almost as much as that pretty wanna-be doctor, Sniper Wolf.

“Oi! Otacon!” Snake said one day after school, slapping his friend on the back, “you know what time it is?”

“Snake time?” Otacon said.

Snake laughed. “That’s right, it’s Snake time! But it’s also wine time!”

“You know you shouldn’t drink, Snake, you’re 17 and alcohol is very bad for your development. It could cause brain formation problems and lead to things like fetal alcohol syndrome and drunk driving. Bedsides, you can’t drink legally until you’re 18 anyway!”

“Says the guy who got his girlfriend pregnant!” Snake said, turning away, “you know that I drink resgearsibly. And I’m a man! I ain’t gonna get FAS! But this coming from you, Otacon-“

“Meryl wasn’t actually pregnant! You know that Emma would’ve killed me by now if she was!” Otacon said, stomping his foot on the ground. “C’mon, Snake, you can’t drink! Friends don’t let their underaged friends drink!”

“But it’s wine time!” Snake said, and he stormed off.

Otacon frowned and decided to convene his friends to hold an intervention. His support group he formed for Snake was top-notch: Otacon himself, Meryl, Emma, Sniper Wolf, Sunny, Mei Ling, Metal Gear REX, EVA, Solidus, SIGINT, and Ocelot. “It seems like Snake won’t stop drinking wine, then?” Emma said. He shook his head. “Poor Snake.”

“Someone needs to tell him how dangerous it is!” Meryl said.

“Don’t worry, I told him,” Otacon said.

“But Snake not listen!?” Metal Gear REX exclaimed, “what Otacon tell to Snake?”

“I told him about drunk driving and fetal alcohol syndrome,” Otacon said.

Everyone looked a little blankly at him. “Why fetal alcohol syndrome?” Mei Ling said, “he’s a man…”

“Otacon does not always think these things through,” EVA said. “For now, let us focus on how to run our intervention. Otacon, Meryl, you two are his closest friends.”

“But he won’t listen to me!” Otacon said.

“What if Sniper Wolf talked to him? I know that Snake’s good friends with her,” SIGINT said.

Sniper Wolf frowned. “Well, what if we cut off his alcohol? Someone must be buying it for him, right?” she said.

“I reckon he has a fake ID. Not like he needs someone to give him wine now, does he, when he already looks like he can just buy it legally,” Ocelot said. Ocelot took out his cigar and lit it. “What we need to do is just convince him to stop drinkin' wine. Like SIGINT said, he likes Sniper Wolf. Just get her to convince him.”

“And how do you suggest I do that?” Sniper Wolf said.

“I dunno. You tell me,” Ocelot said. “Just do the same as those beer commercials do and-“

“How about we not do that,” Solidus said, crossing his arms and glaring at Ocelot. “Mr. Ocelot, you can’t seriously suggest such things.”

“Yes, your _highness_ ,” Ocelot replied.

“Everyone, let’s focus,” Sunny said. He slammed his fists on the as of yet to-be-described table. “Let’s just make a plan.”

“Right,” everyone else echoed.

* * *

 It was almost wine time for Snake. He was very excited about this part of the day. He opened up his cupboard to get out his favorite bottle of wine. Only… there was no wine. “Hang on. Where’d I put that wine?” Snake said, scratching his head. He frowned, then thought to open the cabinet next to it, where he stored his other wine. He opened it up and there was no wine, just Metal Gear REX. He sighed and shut the door. Where did he put that wi-

Metal Gear REX? He slammed the cabinet door open. “What’re you doing in here, you little furball!” Snake demanded.

“That not way to speak to teacher!” Metal Gear REX sputtered.

“Well, you stole my wine!” Snake shouted.

“Metal Gear REX stage an intervention!” Metal Gear REX yelled. “Metal Gear REX and friends want to stop Snake from drinking life away!”

“Yet you Metal Gears are always drinking!” Snake yelled back.

“No! Littlegears not drink until old enough!” Metal Gear REX said. “Friend Snake, you should not drink!”

“And how did you get in my house!?” Snake said, “wait, what if-“

“It’s true, Snake,” Otacon said, appearing in Snake’s kitchen. “We’re staging an intervention.”

“I shouldn’ta given you my key!” Snake yelled.

“Drinking alcohol before you’re legally able is just a bad idea, Snake!” Meryl said, also walking into the room.

“It can cause developmental problems and hurt your body long-term,” Mei Ling added, arriving.

“And besides getting drunk and getting hangovers, you can also ruin your relationship with loved ones thanks to excessive alcohol poisoning,” Emma said. She was sitting at Snake’s table, and Snake was half-sure that she had always been there. But _how?_

“And is a thoroughly bad idea for a young homs such as yourself,” EVA added. Unlike everyone else (besides Emma), who kept just walking into the room, EVA simply appeared, sitting on Snake’s countertop.

“We don’t want that to happen to you,” Solidus added, flying outside of Snake’s window with his head-wings.

“Because you mean a lot to us, Snake,” Sniper Wolf said simply, the final arrival in the room.

Snake looked at everyone, and especially Sniper Wolf. “Thanks, everyone,” Snake said. “I guess I’ll stop drinking then. It’ll be hard, but… I’ll tell Ocelot to stop buying wine for me.”

Everyone stared at Snake for a second. “ _Ocelot’s_ buying wine for you!?” Emma demanded.

“I’m not really surprised,” Otacon commented.

“Metal Gear REX have talk with friend Ocelot! Metal Gear REX not happy that Ocelot buy wine for young homhoms!” Metal Gear REX said, dancing angrily about.

And so Snake learned the dangers of alcohol that day.


	5. I Googled "Anti-Drug Foundation" and Got Results About Scientology

Kaz opened his desk one morning and found a small, mysterious plastic bag with a white, crystalline, mysterious substance in it.

Something told him it wasn’t rock candy.

_~AIREYV DOES NOT ENDORE THE CONSUMPTION OF HIGH SCHOOL AUS~_

A faculty meeting was called. The bag of meth sat in the middle of the table in the middle of the conference room.

“This,” The Boss said, crossing her arms and frowning severely, “was found in Miller’s desk.”

“So fire him,” said Volgin.

“It isn’t mine,” Kaz snapped.

“I believe him,” Amanda said.

“Everyone knows he already smokes marijuana,” Cécile added, “ever since Snake dumped him in college.”

“Cécile!!” Kaz shouted, but EVA talked over him.

“That explains all the really bad advice he gives…”

The Boss cleared her throat and everyone respectfully went silent. “I already had Para-Medic run a blood test on Miller.” Naomi handed her a paper, although she didn’t glance at it. “He isn’t using methamphetamine.”

“Para-Medic actually showed up for work for once?” SIGINT, the IT guy, muttered under his breath. She certainly wasn’t here now.

“Someone planted drugs in my desk,” Kaz said, slamming his hand on the table, “and it was _probably_ someone in this school.”

“A meth user hiding their stash?” Venom said. Next to him, Quiet nodded.

“Is there security footage we can check?” Big Boss said.

The Boss sighed. “Jack,” she said, “look at me.”

“…”

“Why would we have security cameras.”

“…I’m sorry, Boss. I just thought… nevermind.”

“I saw Ocelot go into Miller’s classroom yesterday afternoon for suspicious reasons,” Strangelove said.

Paz tapped a pen against her lip thoughtfully. “Ocelot is _always_ going into Miller’s classroom for suspicious reasons,” she said.

“I am not,” Ocelot said.

“Ocelot always looks suspicious,” The Fury said. The Sorrow shook his head, although in agreement.

“Do I _look_ like someone who uses meth?” Ocelot said, spreading his arms.

“No,” The Pain said.

“You do, somewhat,” The Fear said to The Pain.

“Do I? I think The Sorrow looks more like a meth user.”

“He isn’t,” said The Boss, so they dropped the line of enquiry.

“Can we go?” said Skull Face, “I have a lesson to plan.”

“He teaches lessons?” Cécile stage-whispered.

“I think if someone planted meth in my desk,” Kaz said stubbornly, “it was probably Huey.”

“What?!” Huey said, “me?? why me???”

“Not this again…” Strangelove sighed.

“That bastard’s out to get me!!” Kaz shouted.

“ME??? Miller’s out to get _me!!!_ ”

“Or maybe it was _her,_ ” Kaz said, glaring at Quiet. Quiet glared back.

“ _Enough_ ,” said The Boss, “we won’t learn anything talking amongst ourselves like this. It’s equally likely that it was a student who stashed their drugs in Miller’s desk. Keep an eye on those in your classes, and report any suspected drug usage to either myself or Ms. Ortega. Dismissed.”

_~WEAR YOUR SEATBELT WHEN DRIVING~_

“Something’s… different today,” Solid said.

“Yeah,” Holly said, “like, what’s up with all the PSA posters?”

As they watched, Paz put up another poster, humming some J-pop song to herself.

“Maybe there was an _incident_ ,” Holly said, then whipped out a notebook. “Which I means I have to get on this. Later, Snake.”

She left before Solid could say anything, leaving him standing alone in the hallway with Paz, the posters, and a bunch of anonymous students also milling around between classes.

Across the building, another Snake was discussing the recent uptick in anti-drug propaganda. “Does this school actually have a drug problem?” Liquid said.

“Half of the teachers smoke,” Wolf said, “mostly tobacco, though.”

“Wolf abuses prescription anti-anxiety medication,” Mantis said.

“That too,” Wolf said. Liquid raised his eyebrows. “What?”

“You don’t seem the… type,” he said at length.

Wolf shrugged. “It is always who you least expect.”

“It is also always who you most expect,” Mantis said, “for instance, you’ve seen that goateed janitor around—“

“The creepy one with the knives?” Liquid said, “Vamp, I think his name was?”

“Yes, that one. He does lines of cocaine off of a Marine commandant’s dick every other night.”

“Oh.” That… seemed about right, actually…

“…I assume you found this out by reading his mind,” Wolf said.

“Yes,” Mantis said.

“How do you stand it?” Liquid said.

“I can’t. You people are disgusting.”

The bell rang for the next class to begin and the three of them quickly stepped into said next class, macroeconomics with “Hell Master” Kazuhira “Kaz” Benedict “McDonnell” Miller, and took their seats.

“Before we start class,” Kaz said gruffly, banging the foot of his cane on the floor, “I’d like to inform you all that I’m offering a reward for information about the student who planted methamphetamines in my desk.”

All the students exchanged glances.

“What kind of reward?” Wolf said.

“Money. Fifteen dollars.”

_No one is going to snitch for fifteen dollars_ , Mantis thought, and Liquid heard it in his head and really wished he would stop doing that. It was weird.

_~DID YOU EAT TODAY? I DIDN’T~_

“Methamphetamines in the econ teacher’s desk, huh,” Raiden said over lunch after Fatman told them about the reward offered. “Maybe someone’s just trying to get him arrested.”

“Not in this school, I think The Boss is just dealing with it herself. But either way, it had to come from _somewhere_ , though, right?” Rose said.

“Maybe it came from Vamp,” Fatman said.

“No, he does coke,” Fortune said, “not meth.”

“Whatever he does, I wish he’d leave me alone,” Raiden said, glancing over his shoulder.

“Oh?” Solidus said, “what’s your problem with Vamp, Jack?”

“Stop calling me Jack. And he kind of… hits on me sometimes? It’s weird.”

“He does that with everyone,” Fortune assured him.

“I just don’t think a _janitor_ should be hitting on _students_.”

“Well, Vamp aside,” Solidus said, folding his arms, “I think we should look into this and get that reward from Master Miller.”

“It’s only fifteen dollars,” Fatman said, “do you plan on splitting fifteen dollars five ways?”

“That’s only three bucks each!” Rose said.

“Wouldn’t it be six ways?” Fortune said, “if we ask Vamp for help…”

“Seven ways,” Rose said, “we should ask Olga, too.”

“That’s…” Raiden counted on his fingers, “about $2.14 each, with a leftover two cents.”

“I’ll take the leftover two cents for coordinating this effort,” Solidus said, “now, where do we begin?”

They all thought for a second, then Rose hit her fist with her palm.

“Solidus, why don’t you just ask Ocelot about it?” she said, “he seems to like you.”

“Maybe a little _too_ much,” Raiden coughed, rolling his eyes.

_~TAKE YOUR MEDS~_

Towards the end of lunch, Solid slipped away from his friends and went out back to have a cigarette. Fortunately he didn’t run into The Boss again, but he did run into Venom vaping.

They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment, and then Venom said, “what are you out here for, David?”

“Uh…”

“Smoking?”

Solid didn’t really know how to answer that…

Venom shrugged slightly and turned away, taking another drag off his phantom cigar. Evidently he didn’t care.

Solid lit up, privately wondering about those rumors he heard that Venom’s vape juice included hallucinogens…

_~SMOKING WITH YOUR DAD SIMULATOR 2K17~_

“Ocelot,” Solidus said, “do you know anything about-“

“No, I’m afraid I don’t,” Ocelot said.

“But—“

“Don’t you have a bus to catch?”

“…”

He did actually. Looked like Solidus wouldn’t be making his $2.16 today.

Around that time, Liquid was sitting on the curb, between Mantis and Raven, in the gas station parking lot. Out of boredom he tossed a sour candy to the B&B Corps and watched them fight over it. Octopus and Wolf weren’t here right now because Octopus was a drama kid embroiled in some rehearsal or another, and Wolf had to talk to Quiet about something; Raven didn’t want to play Magic by himself against a Liquid-Mantis team.

“Say,” Liquid said suddenly, and Raven looked up from his phone, “do you think Code Talker might know anything about the meth scandal?”

“I am not sure I would call it a scandal,” Raven said, looking back to his phone - he was going through his camera roll, almost entirely pictures of corvids he’d taken as a member of the birdwatching club - “although I did hear that Master Miller was offering an information reward.”

“Of only fifteen dollars,” Mantis said disparagingly.

“That’s fifteen dollars I don’t have,” Liquid said, channeling the author perfectly, “I’m completely broke. Father never gives any of us spending money and ‘football’ practice makes it difficult to find a part-time job…”

“I suppose there would be no harm in asking,” Mantis said, so Liquid got up and went to go do exactly that.

“Someone planting illegal drugs in Kazuhira’s desk…” Code Talker said, frowning. “Likely it was someone who held some personal animosity towards him.”

“That’s what I was thinking,” Liquid said, “do you know anything?”

“Hmm… there are multiple people who hold animosity towards him, mostly due to his own behavior. However… to plant drugs in his desk at that school would ultimately only be an irritant. His criminal record and career are safe as long as no one assumes he actually used the methamphetamine… and in all likelihood, even if he did, he still would not be turned over to the police, because the governmental infrastructure of this town is in perpetual narrative limbo.”

“So,” Liquid said, “it was someone who disliked him enough to annoy him like this, but didn’t hate him enough to do anything worse.”

“Yes, it seems that way. Of those who dislike Kazuhira, Quiet does not go out of her way to irritate him, and Dr. Emmerich does not do anything besides passively complain about him.”

“Who else dislikes him?” Liquid said, then realized who else and answered himself: “ _Ocelot._ ”

Code Talker nodded. “He seems the most likely candidate, although I am certain that he does not use methamphetamine himself.”

“I don’t have to figure out where he got it from, just point Miller in the right direction,” Liquid said. “Although I suppose if he’s already come to this conclusion, I won’t be getting any reward money…”

But you never know until you try, so to that end Liquid left the convenience store and started heading back to the school. Mantis quickly fell into step beside him, leaving the B&B Corps with Raven.

“You don’t even have a plan,” Mantis said.

“Yes I do,” Liquid said, “and the first step is finding out if Miller’s already thought of Ocelot or not. If not, I’ll just look for evidence.”

“…by breaking into Ocelot’s house.”

“Yes.”

“He will shoot you.”

“I’ll live.”

Mantis couldn’t really argue with that. He would. Besides, fifteen dollars was fifteen dollars.

“In that case,” he said, “it is a good thing that it has not, in fact, occured to him that this is something Ocelot would do.”

_~BRUSSELS SPROUTS JUST TASTE LIKE CAULIFLOWER ACTUALLY~_

Kaz stomped into Ocelot’s classroom and glared at him.

“Can I help you?” Ocelot said mildly.

“It’s _your_ fault I’m out fifteen bucks now.”

“Shouldn’t have offered a reward for information. Or at least, should have actually thought about your situation a bit instead of letting some kid point it out for you.”

Kaz kept glaring.

Ocelot shrugged. “Ah well. I _was_ hoping the fun would last a little while longer.”

“You’re really that bored?”

“Not much to do around here besides revel in drama, is there?”

Supremely annoyed, Kaz hit Ocelot’s leg with his cane, which Ocelot grabbed and snatched away. Before he could lose his balance, Kaz sat down heavily on Ocelot’s desk and kept glowering.

“You really should look into getting prosthetics like V has,” Ocelot said, casually twirling the cane in his hand like those color guard girls who suddenly appear every football season.

Kaz grunted. “Only so I can kick your ass more efficiently, Ocelot. By the way, where did you get the meth in the first place? I thought you didn’t like psychoactive substances.”

“I don’t. I stole it from Skull Face.”

“…him? Seriously?”

“Yes. He looks like the type, doesn’t he?”

“Now that you mention it…”

Meanwhile, ~~the XOF operating base~~ Skull Face’s house:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the METH: NOT EVEN ONCE graphic myself. I'm rather proud of it, tbh.


	6. The Animé Club

Otacon caught up with Wolf as she was walking from the library to her first class.

“H-Hey, um, Wolf?”

“What do you want?” she said, looking at him out of the corner of her eye, not even slowing down her stride.

“Well, the animé club has a meeting after school today, and I thought… well, it’s just that there aren’t very many people in the club, so I thought… y’know, if you’re aren’t busy, maybe you could… come watch some animé with us?”

Wolf almost laughed in his face at the shy way he asked her that, but didn’t. It was actually kind of cute in a strange, dorky way, if she stepped back from the situation a little. Surely there was someone else out there actually _was_ into the shy, ‘soft’ personality nerd sorts… they’d probably be thrilled with Otacon. But he wasn’t _Wolf’s_ type.

Still, she took pity on him. “Alright. It’s in Master Miller’s classroom, yes?”

Otacon nodded. “Yep. Right after school, every Friday.”

_~THIS AUTHOR RECOMMENDS SAMURAI CHAMPLOO~_

Wolf set down her lunch tray with a _slam_ and looked around at her friends (plus the B &B Corps). “I trust none of you have any plans this afternoon,” she said.

Octopus raised a hand. “I have rehearsal. It’s graded.”

“…fine. Anyone else?”

Raven, Liquid, and Mantis all shook their heads.

“Good,” Wolf said, “after school today we are all going to the animé club.”

“The… animé club,” Liquid said.

“Yes. It is run by a friend of your brother’s.”

“The one who has a crush on you?” Raven said.

“That one. Yes. He invited me to attend one of his meetings and I-“

“-agreed to go out of pity,” Mantis said in a very bored tone of voice, “but you do not want to go alone, so you’ll force the rest of us to come with you.”

“Is that a problem?” Wolf said, raising an eyebrow.

Mantis didn’t reply. Raven spoke first: “I think it might be fun.”

“All they do in that club is watch Japanese cartoons, right?” Liquid said, “I suppose I have nothing better to do.”

“Then I will go, too,” Mantis said. He glanced at the B&B Corps. “Which I suppose means they will be there as well.”

Wolf smiled. “I think Emmerich will be rather pleased at eight new attendees.”

“We don’t have to do it again, right?” Liquid said.

_~SITTING IN ONE PLACE FOR TOO LONG IS BAD FOR YOUR CIRCULATION~_

“Wow, Wolf,” Otacon said, looking at the others (mostly Raven and Liquid) nervously, “you didn’t say you’d bring your friends.”

“The more the merrier, right?” Liquid said smoothly.

“Er…” Otacon looked behind him at Mantis and the B&B Corps. One of them was looking around the room and giggling.

“Of course!” Mei Ling said, popping up behind Otacon and grabbing his shoulders. “Right, Meryl?”

“Right,” Meryl said, “always good to have more people… since it’s usually just Otacon, Mei Ling, and I…”

Otacon laughed uncomfortably. “Well, next year, my stepsister will be here, too.”

“Some excuse for an animé club,” Mantis scoffed.

“It’s not _that_ bad,” Meryl said defensively.

Over at his desk, Kaz stood up. “I’m going to go talk to Ocelot for a bit. You kids have fun.” He left the classroom.

“He always does that,” Meryl said to Wolf.

“Why does he even sponsor this club?” Wolf asked.

“I… think because it’s the closest thing we have to a Japanese cultural club.”

Mei Ling elbowed Otacon, who started then stepped away to grab his laptop, and said, “Well, everyone, sit down! We’ll start as soon as Otacon gets the projector set up!”

“What are we watching?” Raven said.

“Oh, we’re watching my favorite,” Otacon said, now considerably more upbeat than when Wolf and co. had arrived, “Neon Genesis Evangelion!”

“NGE?” Mantis said.

“What’s it about?” Liquid asked.

Otacon opened his mouth to explain but Mantis cut him off with, “It is entry-level fake deep _garbage_.”

Otacon winced. “Fake deep? Well, it… um…”

“What does it matter if it’s entry-level?” Mei Ling said, “that just means it’s good for beginners like you four! …eight!”

Raven shrugged. “I have already seen it.”

“I think we should watch something else,” Mantis said.

“ _I_ think we should at least watch the first episode,” Wolf said with a sharp glance at her friends.

Otacon blushed, then busied himself with his laptop for a second, and then ran over to the light switch and hit the lights.

About ten minutes into the episode, there was a general feeling among Wolf’s group that, although it had a [pretty kickin’ theme song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYZfeY8Vg0E), NGE itself was a bit on the boring side and also indeed as Mantis said, _entry-level fake deep garbage._

“I don’t want to watch this,” Liquid leaned over and muttered to Wolf.

“I am not really feeling it, either,” Wolf said. “What about the others?”

He didn’t need to ask Mantis - he could practically _feel_ the lack of enjoyment off of him. He leaned over the other way and asked Raven how he liked it.

“It really does not get good until at least episode eight,” Raven whispered.

He didn’t bother soliciting an opinion from the B&B Corps, and leaned forward - Otacon was sitting in front of him - and said into his ear, “Can we watch something else?”

Otacon jumped, then twisted around in his seat. “What’s wrong with NGE?”

“I don’t like it,” Liquid said, “I don’t think anyone likes it except you.”

“At least not the first couple episodes,” Raven said.

“But the first couple episodes are important!” Otacon protested.

“You’d probably like it more if you actually paid attention,” Meryl snapped.

Liquid sat back in his chair with a huff. Kaz still wasn’t back yet.

Another few minutes passed, then Liquid leaned towards Wolf again. “I say we _make_ him put on something else.”

Wolf shrugged noncommittally. “If you decide to, I will back you up.”

He leaned over to Raven. “Shall we make him put on something else?”

“Like what?” Raven said.

_JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure_ , came Mantis’ voice into Liquid’s head. Liquid glanced behind him, and Mantis shrugged. _I like that one. I think you would too._

“JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure?” Liquid whispered to Raven.

Raven nodded. “Let’s do this.”

Otacon turned around. “Do what—?”

Courtesy of Mantis, NGE paused and the lights turned back on. Liquid stood up. “This is a hostile takeover,” he announced.

Otacon looked horrified. Mei Ling looked confused, and Meryl was glaring at him in annoyance. “Really?” she said.

“Really,” Liquid said, as Wolf, Raven, and Mantis stood too. (The B&B Corps was just spectating. One of them wiped her teary eyes.) Raven cracked his knuckles.

“But… I wanted to watch NGE…” Otacon said in a very small voice.

“ _Too bad._ ”

_~FAYE VALENTINE DID NOTHING WRONG~_

Solid was after school, doing extra credit for his robotics class, and he decided to break for a bit to get a drink from the vending machine. In the hallway, Meryl came running up to him - sliding on the slick floor the past few feet - with a bruise on her forehead, panting. “Snake!!” she said. “Come quick!”

“What happened?”

“Your brother - Liquid — he took over the animé club!”

Solid stared at her for a second. “Took over the animé club?”

Meryl nodded. “His friends are with him. Mei Ling and I just barely managed to escape - she went to go find Master Miller.”

“What happened to Otacon?” Solid said, suddenly worried.

“They locked him in a cabinet in the classroom and stole his laptop! Come on, Snake, you’ve gotta go rescue him!! I can’t stand up to Liquid on my own!”

Solid nodded, grabbing his soda. He followed Meryl at a run back to Kaz’s classroom, only stopping once along to way to stick his head back in the robotics lab and tell Huey there was something he had to do real quick.

(Now, readers, for this segment of the fic, it is imperative that you [listen to **this song**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM), on loop if you have to.)

Solid peered into the classroom through the door window, using his hands to shadow his eyes. He could see Wolf, Raven, the B&B Corps, and Liquid (who was sitting at Kaz’s desk) all watching something on the projector. He glanced behind him at Meryl, who nodded.

He put his hand on the doorknob, weighing his options - he could slowly open it and try to sneak up on Liquid, but light would be thrown into the room so there was no way he wouldn’t notice, so maybe he should just throw it open, seize the element of surprise, and hope he was faster than Liquid and his friends; Raven didn’t look very quick, and judging from what he’d heard about Wolf from Otacon, she wouldn’t exactly sprint over to him, but the B&B Corps was a complete wildcard and he already knew that Liquid moved fast as hell when he wanted to - and then he noticed in the dim reflection of the window a dark figure appear about a foot in the air behind Meryl.

Meryl spun around. “Meryl!” Solid shouted, turning the doorknob, “get him!”

And as Solid slammed the door open, Meryl tackled Mantis. “Aaagh! Stupid girl!!”

“Brother!” Liquid said, grinning and standing on the chair with one foot on the desk, probably getting bootmarks on someone’s test, “come to watch animé with us?”

“Snake??” came a muffled voice from the cabinet.

“Seriously, Liquid?” Solid said, then threw his soda bottle at him, hitting him smack upside the head.

“Ouch!” He rubbed the side of his face where the bottle had hit him, then growled and jumped off the desk. “Do you _really_ want to fight about this?”

“Give Otacon back his club,” Solid said.

“No.”

“Fine.” He dropped into a fighting stance.

“Fine.” Liquid mirrored him. “Have at you, Snake!!”

Wolf and Raven exchanged glances as Solid punched his brother in the stomach. “Should we do something?” Raven said.

“I think we should just watch,” Wolf replied as Liquid kicked him back.

“Hello? What’s going on out there??” came from the cabinet. “Wolf…? Can you let me out, please?”

“No.”

They watched as Solid and Liquid fought like they were literally trying to kill each other, which granted was a fairly normal thing for them. Liquid barrelled Solid over, sitting on him and punching him in the face, but then Solid rolled and reversed their positions, slamming the back of Liquid’s head against the floor then taking a knee to the ribs.

Someone kicked the door open. “Awaken” stopped with a comical record scratch sound.

“What the _fuck_ is going on in here,” Kaz shouted, “first I find Meryl beating up Mantis in the hallway, and now you two!?”

The twins jumped up, standing several feet apart. Solid’s nose was bleeding and Liquid had a split lip and the beginnings of a black eye.

“It was Liquid,” Mei Ling said from behind Kaz, “he started it!”

“Snake threw the first punch,” Wolf said immediately.

“Liquid staged a hostile takeover of the animé club,” Solid said, fully aware of how ridiculous it sounded.

“Emmerich wouldn’t put on JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure,” Liquid said huffily, not caring how ridiculous it sounded.

Kaz stared at them both in exasperation, then half-growled, half-sighed. “Detention, one week, both of you. I’ll see you before school Monday morning. Now get out of my classroom.” He stalked over to his desk and sat down. “The rest of you,” he said, “we’re going to watch Spirited Away.”

“Oh, that’s a good one,” Otacon said from inside the cabinet, “um, can someone let me out now…?”

_~WATCHING FOOD PORN VIDEOS IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR EATING~_

After getting kicked out of the econ classroom, and after exchanging glares with Solid and slinking off in the opposite direction, Liquid found a somewhat bruised Mantis sitting in a nearby dark corner with his head between his knees.

“Mantis,” Liquid said, kind of awkwardly, “I wasn’t expecting Meryl to get the drop on you like that.”

“She broke the filter on my mask when she tackled me,” Mantis said without raising his head.

“Oh, right. I keep forgetting that you still have psychic powers in this AU. …you still technically have the gas mask on, at least.” He paused. “Are you alright?”

“No. I can still hear everyone’s thoughts, even if they are muffled, so I… am somewhat overwhelmed right now…” He scrunched a little further in on himself, and his voice got smaller. “I’m dizzy. My head hurts.”

Liquid wiped blood off his chin silently, still feeling a touch awkward. He’d been the one who started this whole mess, so it was only natural he felt kind of worried for Mantis, right? “I, er…”

“If you want to help me,” Mantis said, still not looking up, “Code Talker sells respirators for fifteen dollars at the gas station. That will tide me over until I get home.”

Fifteen dollars was literally all the money Liquid had, and he doubted anyone would reimburse him, but nonetheless he nodded. “I’ll be right back, then. Stay put.”

“…thank you, Eli.”

“I… it’s fine.”

_~STAY IN SCHOOL, KIDS~_

Otacon caught up with Solid while the latter was in the bathroom, trying to staunch his nosebleed with toilet paper. “Um, hey Snake.”

Solid watched him in the reflection of the mirror. “Hi.”

“Are you… okay?”

Solid nodded, still cleaning blood off his face. “What happened to Spirited Away?”

“I put it on and left. I’ve seen it a million times anyway,” Otacon said with a kind of forced nonchalance. “I, uh… I wanted to thank you, actually, Snake. For coming and… and fighting Liquid. I’m sorry you got detention for it. I don’t think you should have.”

Solid shrugged, finally turning around. “It’s not a big deal. Why was he there in the first place? He doesn’t normally watch cartoons…”

“Oh, I… invited Wolf, and she brought her friends. I’m sure there wouldn’t have been any trouble if she’d come by herself. She’s a nice person.”

Solid felt unreasonably annoyed by him saying that. “She locked you in a cabinet.”

“Technically it was Raven who did that.”

“She didn’t stop him. She was helping with Liquid’s stupid coup.” He shook his head. “I think she’s kind of a bitch, Otacon.”

“She is not…!”

Solid sighed, turning back to the mirror. There was no point in arguing about this. Honestly, he wanted to be mad at Otacon for the whole situation - wanted to blame him for not standing up to Liquid et al., or for dragging Solid into it too, or something — but he really couldn’t. Otacon wasn’t responsible for Liquid, well, being himself, and it was _Meryl_ who ran to find Solid so they could stage a counter-coup, not that he could blame her, either.

“Er, anyway,” Otacon said, adjusting his glasses nervously, “I was just thinking… what if they come back next week?”

“Are you asking me to attend animé club next Friday, too?” Solid said.

“…yeah.”

Solid glanced at Otacon’s reflection. He had such a hopeful expression… it was kind of… cu— **_GAY THOUGHTS GO AWAY_**

“Sure,” Solid said, “but only just in case my brother and his friends decide to cause trouble again. Don’t invite Wolf back, either.”

“A-Alright. Thanks, Snake.”

“No problem.”

_~THERE’S NO SHAME IN BLUE COLLAR/SERVICE SECTOR WORK~_

“I can’t _believe_ the two of you,” EVA fumed, “getting into a fight on school property!! No wonder Miller gave you both a week’s worth of detention! If it had been _my_ classroom, I would have give you both _two_ weeks - afternoon, too, so you’d have to explain to Venom and your father why you can’t go to football practice.”

Solid and Liquid both took the lecture in silence.

“Snake!” EVA shouted over her shoulder, “come say something to your sons!”

“I’m very disappointed in the both of you,” Big Boss called from the other room, “especially you, Liquid.”

“Snake, they’re _both_ at fault!”

“I’m still more disappointed in Liquid.”

“I hate this family,” Liquid grumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I actually staged an undemocratic coup of an animé club myself back when I was in high school. Except I didn't do it like this (too indelicate), I did it more like the way Ocelot would have done it... and then I retained power for another two years... >___>


	7. Just Say No to Sexual Harrassment

As previously stated in episode one, Kojima High had no actual policy against sexual harassment.

EVA wished Strangelove would get out of her classroom.

These two statements are related.

“I’m just saying, if Big Boss is still anything like when _I_ first met him, I don’t see how you—“

“I met him before you did,” EVA pointed out. “I’m perfectly happy with my marriage.” Okay, maybe not _perfectly_ , but as a rule EVA wasn’t into women anyway. The Boss was an exception, because come on, _everyone_ is gay for The Boss, even men! Literally the only one who isn’t is Ocelot and that’s just because that’s his actual, literal, biological mom.

“I only think that a creature of such beauty is being wasted on him.”

“That’s nice. Why don’t you go hit on Paz or Cécile? Those two actually seem to like you. Or how about Amanda? She’s single. How are things going with The Boss?”

Strangelove checked her watch.

EVA leaned forward slightly. “If you actually managed to convince The Boss and The Sorrow do a threesome with you, how would that go down? Would you just let The Sorrow watch?” EVA said, because you cannot convince me that a guy who looks like this

is not lowkey into voyeurism and cuckoldry. And lesbians. Sweet, sweet lesbians.

“…I am going to leave now,” Strangelove said.

EVA smiled to herself as Strangelove left. She did genuinely wonder if Strangelove’s ‘hit on every other female faculty member plus the AI she had installed on her school-issued laptop’ strategy would ever pay off…

“Hmm,” EVA hmmed out loud. Now that she thought about it, she’d never seen Strangelove flirt with Quiet. She wondered what would happen.

_~PAIN IS YOUR BODY’S WAY OF TELLING YOU TO GIT GUD~_

Meanwhile, Solid and Liquid were still trapped in before-school detention (day four), but Kaz had some unspecified thing he “needed to go do” and had left Ocelot in charge.

Ocelot was significantly more pleased with this arrangement than either of the twins were.

“You know,” Ocelot, who was sitting at Kaz’s desk with his feet kicked up on it, said, twirling one of Kaz’s pens around his finger, “both of you really do look much more like your father.”

They both tried to ignore him.

“You should be grateful for that. Your father is a very handsome man. You’re both very handsome boys.”

Solid texted Meryl under his desk. “save me from ocelot. he’s doing it again”

“doing what???”

“flirting? i think this is flirting.”

Ocelot shot a rubber band at him, using that rubber band finger gun technique that everyone who ever went to middle school knows about. Side note: What the heck is this, WikiHow? I just wanted an illustration of said finger gun. This looks like someone carving flesh!

Solid rubbed his cheek where it hit him. That _stung_.

“No texting in detention,” Ocelot said. “Give me your phone, Snake.”

Solid got up and handed him his phone, trying - unsuccessfully because Ocelot is Ocelot - not to have their hands brush. At least he could more or less avoid the overly-intense eye contact, no matter how inexplicably Careless Whisper was playing in the background.

Liquid was just glad the attention was currently focused away from him. This author, after all, _already_ has Oceliquid fics on their works page. _Yikes._

_~IBUPROFEN IS MANA FROM HEAVEN~_

EVA wasn’t the only one who noticed Strangelove ~~sexually harassing~~ flirting with the other female staff. Well, actually the whole school knew, and not even in an ‘open secret’ kind of way - there was a pep rally at the beginning of the year that involved a whole skit about it, which you’ll never read about in more detail than that. However, something occured to Wolf when she arrived to French early and had to put up with overhearing Strangelove and Cécile’s very innuendo-y conversation while she waited for class to start.

She couldn’t recall a time when Strangelove had hit on Quiet. What was up with that?

“Bien, pouvons nous nous envoyer en l’air, comme des oiseaux…”

“And what, exactly, does that mean?”

Cécile giggled. “I’ll let you figure that out on your own, Doctor.”

Wolf had French right before lunch, so once class was over, instead of heading to the cafeteria to meet up with her friends (which she was eh on doing anyway, this morning Liquid had been spamming the group chat about Ocelot being a creeper teacher until his phone got confiscated and she knew he’d still be bitching about it over lunch) she went to the library to meet up with Quiet.

“I think I figured out how to get Saladin to notice you,” she said.

Quiet stared at her with very much a ‘TELL ME MORE’ expression.

_~LA VIE COMMENCE LÀ OÙ S’ARRÊTE VOTRE ZONE DE CONFORT~_

Solidus met up with his ~~friends~~ people who were willing to hang out with him slightly late. He put his lunch tray on the table and sat down. “Hello, everyone.”

“Where were you?” Fortune said, “there isn’t that much of a line for food.”

“I was talking with Ocelot.”

“Oh, that’s always fun,” Raiden said sarcastically.

“What do you two even talk about, anyway?” Rose said.

Solidus paused. “Sometimes he speaks metaphorically,” he said, “so I don’t entirely understand him all the time.”

“What did he say?” Fatman asked.

“Something about slamming a long silver bullet into a well-greased chamber.”

Rose stared at him. “And you have no idea what that means?”

“No,” said Solidus, who didn’t even realize he was being totally oblivious, nor would he feel any shame if he did.

“Well, _I’m_ not going to explain it,” Fatman said, going back to tinkering with his clock/bomb.

“Me neither,” Rose said, raising her hands, palms out.

“…I don’t get it,” Raiden said. “I’m not sure I want to, either.”

Fortune frowned. “Solidus, why don’t you go ask Vamp to explain it?”

Solidus nodded, standing up. School food sucked, anyway.

“Oh, and,” Fortune said, “if he offers to personally demonstrate instead of just explaining, tell him no. aireyv is going to have enough ships to add to the tag list after this chapter as it is.”

“What?” Solidus said.

“Jack, why don’t you go with him?” Rose said.

Raiden groaned exaggeratedly, also standing up. “Maybe this will end up being a wacky cultural misunderstanding…” he said, reminding the readers that he is in fact still the token foreign exchange student.

They walked off.

“Now _that’s_ what I call a loss of innocence,” Fatman said.

_~FILLETING SOMEONE LIKE A FISH IS NOT COVERED BY SAFE/SANE/CONSENSUAL~_

Right after the last bell rang, Wolf and Quiet began enacting their plan to get Venom to stop being an oblivious fuckboy. 

“Okay,” Wolf said, “I asked Emmerich to bring his mother to the library in five minutes. You meet up with her there. I will station myself at the staircase and make sure that no one else shows up to distract her. Emmerich will let me know when you are both in position, and I will text Liquid and tell him to get Saladin to the library. If we do this right, he will walk in on Strangelove flirting with you, and he will get jealous. Through this jealousy he will realize his feelings for you.”

Quiet gave her a thumbs up.

Four and a half minutes later, Otacon found his mom ho-ing it up with her arms around Amanda and Paz’s respective shoulders. (Actually, she was hover-handing Amanda.)

“I’ll think about that drink,” Amanda said, catching Otacon’s eye.

“Your son’s here,” Paz giggled, pushing Strangelove away.

“Ah, Hal,” Strangelove said, dropping her arms. “Did you need something?”

“Um, kind of,” Otacon said, “the, uh- the librarian wanted to see you. I think maybe there’s something wrong with one of the computers in there.”

Strangelove raised an eyebrow. “Why does she want me and not SIGINT?”

“I don’t know. Maybe there isn’t anything wrong? I, er, was just told to bring you to the library.” Although not by the librarian…

Strangelove glanced at Paz, who shrugged (Amanda had left to drive Chico home). “Very well,” she said, turning back to Otacon.

Strangelove headed for the library, with Otacon trailing behind at a much less discreet distance than he actually thought. Disaster struck in the form of The Boss.

“Oh, good afternoon, Joy,” Strangelove said, trying very hard to play it cool when in reality she was internally screaming and/or melting.

“Good afternoon, Doctor.”

Otacon’s phone buzzed. He checked it quickly, keeping an eye on Strangelove and The Boss. It was Wolf. “what’s taking so long? are they in position yet?”

“im working on it!! the boss just showed up :/”

“crap. get the sorrow.”

Otacon frowned. He always felt uncomfortable talking to the school counselor, and not just because he was literally a ghost and talked like a clinically depressed goth shitposting on MySpace in 2006.

“ok, hang on,” he texted Wolf, then ran off. Ugh, this was turning out to be way more of a hassle than he’d originally thought, and he still didn’t know what this was actually _for_. All he knew was that Wolf had asked a favor of him and he agreed to it because it meant that she was actually paying attention to him. Usually, she acted almost completely unaware of his existence. Maybe he just wasn’t being assertive enough? Maybe he should just man up and ask her on a date already!

Or maybe Solid was right, and she _was_ kind of a bitch…

_No,_ Otacon thought, _Snake might be super cool, but that doesn’t mean he’s very good at reading people._ Besides, he’d seen before how Wolf interacted with her friends. She was nice to them and talked to them even if she wasn’t only asking them to do her a favor and backed them up when they were doing things like launching coups of school clubs. It was just that… well, she never really did any of that with _Otacon_. Sure she was polite to him most of the time, and sure she tolerated having conversations with him, even they were kinda one-sided, when most of the other non-nerdy students never did, but… okay. Maybe he wasn’t _really_ her friend. Otacon liked to think of himself that way, but it was actually pretty obvious she only considered him an acquaintance at best.

He knocked on The Sorrow’s office door, and fortunately The Sorrow was in.

“Hello, Hal,” mumbled The Sorrow, “did you wish to speak with me? You seem sad… so sad…”

Otacon smiled defensively. “Actually, Mom’s hitting on your wife again.”

“Hmmm…” The Sorrow stood up. “I should go interrupt them… but are you sure there’s nothing you need to talk to me about? I must say you’ve been acting rather… unusual… ever since your father remarried…”

Otacon flinched. “No, it’s nothing, really. You should go catch up with The Boss.”

Strangelove scurried away when The Sorrow came to come collect the wife, and a minute later Otacon texted Wolf again: “shes headed for the library now :)”

“yeah, i just saw her,” Wolf texted. She was holed up at the top of a staircase that overlooked the hallway that lead to the library, although the library itself was out of sight. Strangelove didn’t notice her as she walked by because Wolf was lying in the shadows, like a sniper, _obviously_.

Time for stage two: Liquid.

Liquid was running laps at “football” practice when his text tone went off. “i need saladin in the library RIGHT NOW.”

“which one is Saladin again?” he texted Wolf back, “Father or the one w/ the horn?”

“one with the horn.”

“k”

He thought for a second about the best way to do this. He was interrupted by another text from Wolf.

“& DON’T do it in the dumbest most extra way possible, just tell him quiet wants to see him”

Liquid _tch_ ed. Fine. “Eli, put your phone down before I break your arm,” Big Boss said as Liquid slowed in front of him and Venom.

“The librarian wants to see you,” Liquid said to Venom, spitefully ignoring his father.

Venom raised his eyebrows.

“I don’t know why,” Liquid said, guessing that that was what he was thinking. “But you’d better go to her.”

Venom and Big Boss exchanged looks, then Big Boss shrugged and Venom left, leaving Big Boss in charge of practice. Liquid continued his lap before Big Boss could follow through on that threat to break his arm.

Fuck him. He’d get him one day.

Concurrent to these events, Huey had decided to hit up the library for a book on vertical attitude control he recalled seeing there once that he was hoping to ~~plagiarize wholesale~~ derive an idea or two from. Wolf’s eyes widened when she saw him in the hallway. The _only other person_ who could _monumentally_ derail the Strangelove-comes-onto-Quiet-making-Venom-jealous-and-sparking-their-romance plan like Huey could was _Kaz_. But Wolf hadn’t thought she’d be seeing either of them this afternoon, since Kaz was being distracted by Ocelot (not as part of the plan, that just kind of happened on its own) and Huey nearly always stuck to his robotics lab after school, working on that metal monstrosity he used student labor to build and wouldn’t explain what it was or what it was for.

She pulled out her sniper rifle and shot him in the neck. It was just a tranquilizer round, but whether or not that was a good thing entirely depended on your perspective. _(Hueyfuckers get out reeeee)_

Huey conked out in his wheelchair, and Wolf was faced with another dilemma: Venom would be arriving any minute now, and someone needed to get rid of Huey before he got here. She could do it herself, but that would mean that she wouldn’t be able to guarantee Quiet and Venom’s special alone time until she got back from that. What if someone _else_ decided to visit the library?!

Thinking quickly, she called Mantis, who was hanging out in the gym, spectating ‘football’ practice simply because he was bored and Liquid was there. “ _Mayday_ ,” she hissed over the phone, “Mantis, I need you to get rid of a body and I need you to do it _now_.”

“What’s in it for me?” Mantis said, not even questioning the ‘get rid of a body’ bit. “I have no interest whatsoever in hooking the librarian up with the gym coach.”

“I won’t send furry porn to your phone in the middle of class.”

“Why do you even _have_ … … …fine. Where is it?”

“The robotics teacher, just in front of the library. Do it quickly.”

By the time Venom got to the library, Huey had been shoved in a supply closet to be rediscovered later by Vamp. What Vamp did with him shall be left to the reader’s imagination.

Venom entered the library, completely unaware of the fact that his coming there had been engineered by Quiet’s student BFF. Quiet smiled when she saw him. Strangelove was still talking to her - the conversation had started with, “I realize we don’t talk much, although I suppose… this is why… you’re rather taciturn, aren’t you? Rather pretty, too…” and continued down that path for the past several minutes.

Strangelove turned slightly to look at Venom. “Oh,” she said, her voice bordering on sarcastic, “I’ve heard talk about you two.”

“Talk?” Venom said.

“That you two are an item?”

Venom shook his head, and Quiet resisted the urge to put hers in her hands. “No…”

“I see.” She turned back to Quiet, then said, “so you are available then. Perhaps you’d like to catch a movie sometime?”

Quiet threw a frustrated glance at Venom, shrugging noncommittally.

“I’ll take that a yes,” Strangelove said, smiling coolly. “How about this Saturday? I’ll pick you up at nine.”

Quiet kept glaring at Venom, and he seemed to get the point. “Actually,” he said, kind of hesitantly, “she’s busy.”

Strangelove turned around again. “Is she?”

“She’s… going to the movies with me on Saturday at nine.” Behind Strangelove, Quiet nodded vigorously.

Strangelove’s lips drew together. “Oh,” she said. “I see.” She looked at Quiet. “Some other time, then?”

Again Quiet shrugged noncommittally, and after a very awkward pause, Strangelove saw herself out.

The awkward pause persisted.

“…so,” Venom said at length, “I didn’t know you were into women. If you don’t mind me asking… are you bi?”

Quiet shook her head.

“Oh.”

The conversation was transferred to life support. Quiet sighed, then poked Venom in the chest.

“…you mean you’re straight?”

Quiet nodded. She _actually_ meant that she was into _Venom_ , but… it was a start.

Venom smiled softly, and [romantic music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiS1xQoQvKE) began to play unobtrusively in the background. “So you wouldn’t mind being seen going to the movies with me on Saturday?” he said, then quickly added, “just as friends.”

Quiet sighed, then nodded.

It was definitely a start.


	8. Never Game on a Full Stomach, quoth "Master Miller"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter is short, also, mostly my older brother's idea.

Solid came home from school one afternoon to find the neighbor girl, Sunny, kickin’ it in her backyard with a laptop and Solidus’ alleged metaphorical son, Raiden, who also had a laptop.

“Why are you outside with laptops?” Solid asked.

“R-Raiden said we should p-play outside,” Sunny said.

“So we’re playing Overwatch,” Raiden said.

Solid didn’t really think that this was what ‘playing outside’ meant, but they _were_ outside and they _were_ playing something. So that technically counted, and that’s why Nintendo came out with Pokémon Go.

“You should play with us, Snake,” Raiden said suddenly. He seemed very excited at the prospect, probably because he was completely enamored with anyone on the football team - especially Solid Snake.

“…sure,” Solid said, eyeing Sunny. She was, like, eight or whatever. How much could she possibly contribute to the team?

_~(JEB BUSH VOICE) PLEASE COMMENT~_

By sheer coincidence, EVA had also decided to play Overwatch around that time, and was joining a custom match. It had, after all, been a long day, especially since there was an undescribed Noodle Incident-esque _happening_ with Volgin in the teachers’ lounge earlier. She was in her room and the door was locked, but since it was a nice day she had the window open, and she could vaguely hear Solid talking to the neighbor kid and Solidus’ foreign exchange student friend outside.

“I thought I was going to be on your team,” Solid said.

“Uh… sorry,” Raiden said.

“Which one is Sunny?”

“I-I’m Sunnysideup,” Sunny said.

“…? Why are you level 932?”

“Yeah,” Raiden said, “about that…”

EVA blinked. Hoo boy. She was in the same match.

The team composition was as follows:

                                   

SUNNYSIDEUP            RAIDEN          VICBOSS            VICBOSS2TIXIJSNIPERWOLF

(lvl 932) (lvl 69) (lvl 103) (lvl 78)             (lvl 90)(lvl 71)

**VS**

                                            

BIG_MAMA           VOYEVODA       GAYCAT          IROQUOIS FRENCHHUNTERKUBRICKROCKS

(lvl 80) (lvl 955) (lvl 220) (lvl 70)(lvl 99) (lvl 26)

“What kind of team composition is this,” EVA muttered. She wasn’t the only one thinking it, there was a mild amount of bitching in the chat, too.

**[frenchHunter]: can someone else switch over to healer, kubrick always pockets voyevoda and it’s really useless**

**[KubrickRocks]: Said the Genji on defense.**

The match started.

**[frenchHunter]: fuck you kubrick they have a hanzo on attack**

**[sniperwolf]: that doesn’t justify defendji**

**[frenchHunter]: you’re a HANZO on ATTACK, no wonder we’re winning**

**[Voyevoda]: Stop chatting and get on the point, Frank.**

**iroquois (Soldier: 76): I need healing! - Critical Health**

EVA sighed deeply as she was killed by the enemy Sombra, then switched over to Lúcio. KubrickRocks really _was_ useless.

**iroquois (Soldier: 76): I need healing! - Critical Health**

**[frenchHunter]: maybe you shouldn’t have wasted your biotic field lol**

**iroquois (Soldier: 76): I need healing! - Critical Health**

**iroquois (Soldier: 76): I need healing! - Critical Health**

**iroquois (Soldier: 76): I need healing! - Critical Health**

“I _get it_ already, David!” EVA yelled out the window. Solid looked up, startled, and when he looked back at the screen he’d been killed by Raiden. Remember, kids: you lose focus for even _one second_ on the battlefield, and you are _fucked_.

“Whoops,” Raiden said, “sorry, I didn’t mean to kill you while you were distracted.”

**[SUNNYSIDEUP]: lmao git rekt scrub**

“Sunny, I’m sitting _right here_.”

“S-Sorry, Snake.”

After that match, VicBoss quit and was replaced by a level 98 D.Va main called OtakuConvention. Wasn’t he one of Solid’s friends…? VicBoss2 politely switched over to Winston.

There was a knock on EVA’s bedroom door.

“Come in,” she said without looking up from her laptop. Locking doors in this household was more symbolic than anything else, after all. The only one who didn’t know how to pick a lock was Solidus.

It was Liquid in a foul mood ( _what a surprise_ ), followed by Mantis, who had come over after school today, ostensibly to study for an upcoming test in a class they shared but literally no one believed that nor was expected to believe that. “We just got kicked out of the living room.”

“And I suppose you’re in here,” EVA said, “because this is the only other room with a television.”

“…well, yes.”

“I was showing him JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure,” Mantis said.

“Ah,” EVA said, “go ahead.”

_~IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH MESOTHELIOMA, YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO FINANCIAL COMPENSATION~_

Solidus and co. (that is, himself, Fortune, Fatman, and inexplicably Vamp) met up at the local Store Formerly Known As Kinko’s, Now Known As FedEx Office where Olga worked.

“This does not bode well,” Olga said when they walked in.

“We’re working on Solidus’ campaign for student body president,” Fortune said.

“I made up some posters,” Vamp said, holding them up.

Solidus crossed his arms. “We need to use your copier.”

Olga laughed once. “Not for free, you aren’t,” she said.

“What about your employee discount?” Fatman said.

“I don’t think so.”

Solidus frowned. “But—“

“ _I_ never agreed to be a part of your campaign team,” Olga said.

“If only your brother didn’t get that reward money before we did,” Fatman said, drinking his wine.

“$2.14 would have gotten you two color copies,” Olga said, looking at FedEx Kinko’s frankly incomprehensible price sheet. “What is your campaign budget?”

Solidus looked at Fatman and Fortune, who both shrugged, entirely unwilling to contribute anything tangible, then dug out his wallet, which was completely empty.

“Would you like to make a donation?” he asked Olga.

“No,” Olga said flatly.

“Just make nine copies,” Vamp, the adult with an actual job, said, pulling out his credit card.

“So,” Solidus said as Olga began making copies, “now we need to figure out the ten most strategic locations for posters.”

_~TAXATION IS THEFT~_

Raiden decided to read a text he’d gotten a minute ago while waiting to respawn. Unfortunately, it was from Solidus. He really didn’t know why he didn’t just block him.

“What are the ten best places in the school to put up posters? for maximum effect. I want people to vote for me”

He started replying - “im not helping you with your goddamn election, sears” - when the Mercy on his team unexpectedly ulted, and before Raiden could get his hands back on the keyboard he was re-killed by Solid.

“Hey!”

“Y-You shouldn’t be texting d-during a game!” Sunny scolded.

Solid wondered who it had been texting him earlier in the match, at the same time as Raiden got a text. As the match devolved into everyone just kind of standing around watching Sunny and Voyevoda duke it out on the objective, Solid chanced a glance at his phone.

“What are the ten best places in the school to put up posters? for maximum effect. I want people to vote for me”

Why did Solidus think he even cared?

He considered texting him back and telling him off for bothering him while he was in a game, but decided against it. He’d probably just start talking about how Battleborn was the superior game. Because _of course_ Solidus played Battleborn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited the Solidus campaign poster myself :)
> 
> Note that the day this chapter went up, my younger brother got stuck in a match with an idiot Soldier: 76 who wouldn't stop spamming I Need Healing. In other words, I'm prescient.


	9. Otacon Needs A Different Adult

Locker room talk is often stereotyped as guys talking about some real raunchy bullshit while girls all bully each other. I posit that this is not actually true: guys talk about the same things in the locker room as they do at, say, lunch, while the girls all bully each other. Ignoring any potential _Carrie_ situation brewing in the girls’ locker room, the guys were having casual conversation while they dressed out about video games, shared classes, and mutual friends.

“What do you think about Meryl?” Solid asked as Otacon searched his bookbag for his gym clothes.

“Meryl?” Otacon said, “what about her?”

“She’s cute, right?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“And you two were friends before I came here.”

Otacon looked up. “Are you trying to ask if I have a thing for her?”

Solid shrugged awkwardly. He was a little embarrassed, and Otacon tried unsuccessfully to hide a smile at that.

“Do _you_ have a thing for her?” Otacon asked.

“I… well… she’s cute. And I think she likes me.”

“What about Akiba?”

Solid blinked. “Who?”

“Y’know… Johnny Sasaki. He’s in a lot of her classes. Everyone knows he’s had a huge crush on her since middle school, and I’m pretty sure she actually likes him back.”

“Oh,” Solid said, frowning. “I don’t know him.”

Otacon stood up, clothes in hand, and looked at Solid uncomfortably. “Well,” he said, “she _is_ a teenaged girl. Maybe she likes _both_ of you.”

“Liking two people at once… is that a thing people do?”

Otacon gave him an odd look. “Uh, yeah. People do it all the time. Or at least kids do. I—“ he suddenly cut himself off.

“Is there someone you like besides Wolf?” Solid asked, feeling somehow like he was just a _bit_ too interested in the answer. Which. He wasn’t. Obviously.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… hey, am I still supposed to come over to your house after school today to work on that history project?” Otacon said, changing the subject with all the grace of [insert _Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_ -esque smilie here].

“Can’t do that,” Liquid said from where he was shamelessly changing out in the open nearby, “Mantis is already coming over to work on that history project with _me_.”

“Oh. …I don’t see why we can’t both-”

“Maybe I should go over to your house instead,” Solid said quickly before Liquid could start being his drama queen, thirsty for conflict self.

Otacon started, then nervously said, “sure, I guess so,” and scurried off to go get changed in one of the shower stalls, because he was shy like that.

“What’s _his_ problem?” Liquid said. Solid ignored him.

About half a minute later, right as Solid was re-tying his tennis shoes after changing his jeans to shorts, he heard Otacon calling him from the shower stall.

“Hey, Snake? …I forgot to grab my shirt, can you get it out of my bookbag for me? Please?”

“What’s wrong with the one you’re wearing?” Solid called back.

“I don’t want to get it all sweaty.”

Solid sighed, slightly exasperated. “Alright, hang on.” He rooted through Otacon’s bookbag for a second before finding the extra t-shirt, then (after shoving the bookbag back into the locker, which was kind of pointless because the lockers in here didn’t actually have locks) walking over to the shower stall and shoving the curtain aside.

Otacon had already taken off his shirt, which Solid didn’t actually care about, although he couldn’t resist ribbing him a bit as he handed him his gym shirt, and Otacon scrunched in on himself, blushing and self-consciously covering his chest with his arms. “Wow, you’re skinner than I thought— …are those bruises?”

“Huh?”

“On your collarbone, there-“ Solid pointed vaguely, then his brow furrowed. “Wait a minute… they look like… hickeys…?”

Otacon’s blush deepened, which pretty much confirmed Solid’s suspicions. He felt a flash of some emotion that _definitely_ wasn’t jealousy, or disappointment, or anything else that might imply he was remotely interested in Otacon in _that_ way.

“Er,” Otacon said, hurriedly putting on his shirt, “it’s kind of a long story.”

“Is this why you changed the subject when I asked if there was someone you liked besides Wolf? Because I know those didn’t come from her.”

“Y-Yeah. Just… don’t tell anyone, okay, Snake? It’s kind of… complicated.”

Solid frowned. He was sure that this weird disappointed/jealous feeling was based in the fact that Otacon was, apparently, totally getting some while he still hadn’t gotten around to asking Meryl out.

“It’s just,” Otacon said, avoiding eye contact, “she’s— she… …nevermind, Snake. I’ll explain later. Just keep this between us, alright?”

Solid raised an eyebrow - was word not getting out about some chick sucking Otacon’s neck really that important? - but nodded nonetheless. He was really curious about it, actually, but he wouldn’t be surprised if “I’ll explain later” turned into “I don’t feel like talking about it”, and he was fine with that. Otacon could keep things private if he wanted to. Nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with the further confirmation that Otacon was into girls, either.

After Solid and Otacon left the locker room, Mantis, who literally never bothered to dress out and was probably failing P.E., turned to Liquid.

“Your brother is totally bi for that weeb.”

“Yyyyyyeah,” Liquid said. “I don’t think he’s figured that out yet, though, has he?”

“No.”

“He’s dumb like that.”

Mantis held his tongue about that last comment.

_~DON’T POINT UNLESS YOU INTEND TO SHOOT~_

“You’d better not be raiding the fridge, you little brat,” Big Boss yelled from the other room.

“Father, I have a _guest_ ,” Liquid shouted back. Granted, Mantis never ate any of the snacks Liquid used him as an excuse to acquire, because he refused to take off his mask, but hey - a good excuse was _a good excuse_ , Liquid wasn’t about to pass it up.

“He’d better not be raiding the fridge, either!”

_Just grab your slice of cake and get back up here_ , Mantis spoke into his brain, which, no matter how many times he did that, was still pretty weird.

Liquid absconded with his cake back upstairs to his room. “You know too many sweets are bad for you,” Mantis said as he slipped in, shutting the door silently behind him.

“It’s not like I’m going to get fat. I work out.”

“I know. I’ve seen.” Mantis rolled his eyes behind his mask. “I was mostly referring to your nutrition.”

“Nutrition? What about _you?_ I’ve never seen you eat, and you look absolutely emaciated.”

“It’s… difficult to find opportunities to eat with this mask.”

Liquid ate his cake in silence for a moment, thinking about what Mantis looked like under the mask, anyway. He hadn’t yet seen it.

“And you’re assuming you _will?_ ”

“Er… no, not necessarily,” Liquid said, feeling his face get a little heated. “A-Anyway, let’s take a look at that project rubric…”

_~DON’T SHOOT UNLESS YOU INTEND TO KILL~_

Otacon’s house was about as unremarkable and vaguely described as the Snakes’: just your average American suburban home, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, who cares about the goddamn lawn seriously fucking hell HOA get off our dick. Otacon’s _stepmom_ , however, was _totally smokin’ hot_. What the _shit_.

“Hal’s told me _so_ much about you, Snake,” Julie said, with her hands on Otacon’s shoulders in a way that didn’t _quite_ seem motherly.

“He has?” Solid said.

“Only good things,” Julie said, giggling slightly.

Otacon giggled too, but more nervously. “We should go get started on that history project now,” he said.

Julie nodded. “Yes, you should. I want you to get an ‘A’ on that, sweetie,” she said to Otacon, winking.

Otacon flushed. “J-Julie! Not in front of Snake…!”

After that Otacon shut the two of them up in his father’s study, which currently wasn’t being used because Huey was still at the school, working on that project of his. Solid and Otacon’s project, however, was a much simpler one, which left them a lot of leeway to talk about completely unrelated things instead of technically working.

“Your stepmom’s pretty sexy,” Solid said.

“Um,” Otacon said. “Snake…”

Solid shrugged. “She is. You said your dad only got remarried about a year ago, so it wouldn’t really be weird if you agreed, too.”

“Y-Yeah… I guess…”

“How did your dad get a woman like that, anyway?”

Otacon was silent. Solid raised an eyebrow, but turned back to the textbook they were using as reference for the project. Maybe the Emmerichs had more money saved up than their modest home would indicate, and Julie was just a plain old gold-digger…

After a while, Solid stepped out to go grab a drink of water. In the hallway he passed Otacon’s eighth-grader stepsister, Emma, who gave him a funny look.

“What?” he said.

“Nothing,” she sniffed, “I just thought with the way Hal talks about you, you’d be cuter.”

“…cuter?” _What?_

Figuring middle school girls were just weird, Solid continued down the kitchen, where Julie already was anyway, and as she handed him a glass of water she got just a _little_ too close to him (reminded him of Ocelot, honestly) and something about her was… kind of bugging him.

“Did you get me a glass, too?” Otacon said without looking up from the computer when Solid walked back into the study.

“No. You didn’t ask. Should I go back down?”

“Nah, it’s fine.”

Solid sat down next to him, still puzzling over what it was that was bothering him about Julie. Then Otacon leaned rather close to him, reaching past him to grab the textbook, and Solid blinked. Wait… was that—?

He grabbed Otacon’s shirt and held him where he was, too close to be comfortable, and stuck his nose by his hair and inhaled deeply; Otacon squawked, embarrassed and startled and mostly confused.

“W-What the heck?!” he stammered, squirming out of Solid’s grasp and leaning so far away from him that he was in danger of falling off his chair.

“You smell like your stepmom’s perfume,” Solid said, perplexed.

“I— what?”

“Your stepmom’s perfume. I thought something was off about her… I always figured that that smell was your shampoo, Otacon, but now that I think about it it’s way too girly. And it’s definitely the same scent…”

Otacon went totally red. “Oh… uh… yeah. Snake, I-I… er…”

“…? What are you so embarrassed about? Was I right?”

“Well, yeah…” Otacon glanced away, and somehow despite guessing correctly Solid was even _more_ confused. He was kind of expecting Otacon to tell him that he and Julie just used the same brand of soap or something.

He realized something. “Wait, is this related to the hickeys?”

Otacon flinched. “Huh?”

“Let me guess: You have a secret girlfriend, and the reason why you keep her secret is because she has a crossdressing kink, and you borrow your stepmom’s clothes and perfume for it.”

There was a long pause.

“Um, no,” Otacon said flatly.

Solid frowned. Otacon would make a really good trap actually I mean what. What? “Then why…? The only other thing I can think of is that you’re boning your stepmom, but that can’t be… uh… Otacon, why are you making that expression? What does that— oh my god. No way. Oh, my god. …Otacon?”

Otacon slumped over onto the desk, hiding his face in his arms. “I should never have let you come over.”

“Holy-- Otacon, that’s _fucked up_. You realize that, right?”

“Yes.”

“Was it just… was it just a one-time thing?”

“No.”

Solid’s eyebrows scrunched together a little more. “How long has this been going on?”

“Since… since not long after Dad and Julie started dating.”

“…oh my god. …Otacon, she’s twice your age. And married. To your _dad_.”

Otacon’s head shot up. “You think I don’t know that?!” he snapped, then immediately deflated, cringing. “I mean…”

Solid stood up. “Who else have you told?”

“N… No one. You’re the only one who knows, besides me and Julie.”

“…”

Otacon also jumped up, grabbing Solid’s arm. “Snake, you can’t tell anyone. Please, don’t—!”

“Otacon, this is, like, super illegal!”

“I-I know, but- but I don’t even want to _think_ about what would happen to my family if my father found out!! Please, Snake, just keep it to yourself!”

“Otacon-“

“ _Please_.”

Solid stared at him for a very long time, internally struggling between _I’m pretty sure this is considered abuse, someone has to know for his own sake_ and _He’s begging me not to tell anyone, I don’t think he’ll ever trust me again if I do_ , then he sighed. “Fine… I’ll keep my mouth shut about it, for now.”

“…thanks, Snake.”

“But sooner or later this has to stop, alright? If she gets arrested, I’d definitely testify against her at her trail…”

“That… that’s fair, I guess.” Otacon looked away deliberately. “Snake, I just want you to know that it’s not - it’s not like you see on TV. I’m not being molested o-or abused. It’s just a weird relationship Julie and I have, alright? I-I could split it off anytime I want.”

“So,” Solid said, “why don’t you?”

Otacon didn’t answer.

_~SOLID REALLY SHOULD CALL THE COPS, THIS IS STATUTORY RAPE AND LEGALLY INCEST~_

“Did you make much progress on your history project?” EVA asked when Solid got home.

Solid shrugged, his face carefully neutral. “We couldn’t get much done after a certain point.”

EVA sighed. “You and Eli both. I don’t know why The Fury let everyone pick their own partners instead of just assigning them…”

There was a bit of an awkward pause, and Solid tried to slip away, but EVA grabbed him by the arm.

“What?” he said, a little tetchy.

“Something’s on your mind,” EVA said, plainly concerned, “a mother can tell these things, you know.”

“…”

“What’s going on, David? Did something happen at your friend’s house?”

Solid found himself unable to make eye contact. “Something like that.”

“Something you don’t want to talk about?” She narrowed her eyes slightly. “Or _can’t?_ ”

“…yeah. I… I can’t really talk about it, Mom.”

She scrutinized his face for a moment, then let go. “Alright,” she said, “I trust you, David.”

“You… trust me?”

“To do the right thing.”

...Solid had a hard time sleeping that night.


	10. Sports Illustrated: Daddy Issues Edition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, you learn of my not-so-secret love of 80's comic strips.

The first football game of the season was coming up. And y’all know what that means!

That’s right! The Diamond Dogs were going to totally mess some other school up!!

There wasn’t even going to be a _game!!!_

 

The football team - that is, Fox, Solid, Liquid, and Meryl for some reason - met up with the coaches in the Denny’s rear parking lot (a liminal space) a few buildings down from Kojima High’s rival school, the subtly named Konami High School. (Okay, technically Big Boss, Solid, and Liquid all came together. Liquid was actually allowed in Big Boss’ car for once on the condition that he touch nothing and make no noise. He was in a foul mood even before they got there.) It was around midnight.

“Your first sabotage mission!” Meryl said, “are you two excited?”

Liquid didn’t say anything, and Solid just shrugged.

“Well,” Meryl said, turning away, “ _I’m_ excited.”

“So what’s the plan?” Fox said.

Venom pulled out one of those incomprehensible football diagrams that was almost definitely drawn up by Kaz, Ocelot, or possibly Quiet instead of him.

“Frank, you’ll vandalize their football field,” Venom said. Fox saluted. “Eli, David - since you’re both rookies, I want the two of you to work together.” They exchanged glances, neither of them particularly pleased with that arrangement. “The sports equipment is kept in a room by the gym; destroy enough of it that they’ll have to forfeit the game tomorrow.”

“So, basically all of it,” Fox said, “or at least all of the football-related stuff. Deflate their balls, shred the jerseys, dent the helmets…”

“You can’t leave any evidence that you’re from Kojima High, or else we’ll get sued,” Big Boss said, “so this operation is OSP. There are guards, too, so don’t be seen or I will literally disinherit you.”

“You already disinherited me,” Liquid said, “like, six times. This month. And the only reason why you don’t put me up for adoption is because Mother won’t let you.”

“I’ll take out a bunch of loans right before I die and will all the debt to you.”

Solid raised his hand. “Are the guards armed?”

Venom nodded. “With real guns,” Big Boss said, because why the hell not.

“Go big or go home,” Fox quipped.

“Just don’t get caught and you’ll be fine,” Meryl said.

“Meet up back here in an hour and a half,” Venom said, “now, go.”

“Good luck!!!!!” Meryl called as the three of them started jogging off towards Konami High.

And the first ‘football’ ‘game’ of the season officially begun.

“Just to be clear, brother,” Liquid said after they’d jumped the fence and split off from Fox, “I’m not happy about this and I don’t want to work with you.”

Solid grunted. “The feeling’s mutual.”

“I’m well aware. Although I think that of the two of us, _I_ have more the right to hate the other.”

Solid rolled his eyes and didn’t reply. The [best sneaking theme](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W6dShYD9LU) began to play over the fic as he jimmied open the lock on the school’s door and Liquid kept a lookout for guards outside.

He wasn’t done kvetching. “I don’t get why Father likes _you_ , anyway. What makes you better than me?”

I’m _not a pissy little drama queen,_ Solid thought, but said, “He doesn’t really like me, either. He’s just willing to make a minimum effort with me.”

“That’s more than can be said for _me_ ,” Liquid snapped.

(At no point did it occur to either of them to mention the fact that Big Boss frequently forgot Solidus even, like, existed, and that even if Big Boss was kind of a dick to Liquid at least he was still _paying attention_ to him.)

“Liquid, shut up,” Solid said, “someone’s going to hear us.” Liquid grumbled under his breath as the two of them ducked into the shadows of some lockers as a guard passed by, obliviously listening to music on their headphones.

At Liquid’s suggestion, they raided the receptionist’s desk (about a hallway over from where they had entered) to find a map of the school, since neither of them actually knew where the gym and therefore the sports equipment was at Konami High. As Solid tried to figure out where they were on the map, Liquid started needling him about some stupid stuff again.

“Something’s been on your mind lately, brother,” he said knowingly.

Solid grunted again, still going over the map. He really wasn’t good with maps. He wasn’t good with a lot of things, honestly. The only classes he wasn’t a few sub-par assignments away from failing were P.E. and robotics, the latter only because he helped Huey build that thing for extra credit…

“It started after you went to Emmerich’s house last week. What did you two _do?_ ”

“ _Do?_ ” Solid said, looking up from the map. “What do you mean, _do?_ ”

“Still languishing in the closet, brother?” Liquid said with a smirk.

Solid opened his mouth to _deny, deny, deny_ when there was a glint of flashlight at the entrance to the hall where the receptionist’s deck was. “Is somebody there?” a guard called.

They walked forward, sweeping their flashlight’s beam over the apparently empty reception desk. “Huh,” they said, “must have just been my imagination.” They left again.

“You’re one to talk,” Solid hissed at Liquid from where the former was crouched in the footwell and the latter was pressed flat against the wall behind a large potted plant, “you and that gas mask-wearing freak are practically attached at the hip.”

Even though it was dark, he could still see Liquid flush angrily. He was saved from any retort by his phone buzzing - Fox, texting him to ask if they’d managed to find the gym yet.

“no,” he texted back, “we’re in the front hall.”

“k hang on, i’ll call you & tell you how to get there”

After a pit stop in the art room to grab a pair of scissors (for Liquid) and a boxcutter (for Solid), they found the sports equipment storage room. Time for some property damage, aw yea.

Solid had just finished putting a sizeable hole in the last football he’d been able to find when he turned around and found himself with the business end of a baseball bat about two inches away from his nose. Like this:

Except angrier (and twinkier). So, more like this.

“What are you doing?” Solid said, raising his hands in a ‘do _not_ hit me with the freaking baseball bat’ gesture.

“I want you to leave, Snake,” Liquid snarled.

“Leave? Leave _where?_ ”

“It doesn’t matter to me. Just get out. Go to Father and tell him you couldn’t complete the assignment.”

Solid scowled. So _that’s_ what this was about. “You _always_ do this, Liquid - try to show me up. It never works.”

He just barely ducked out of the way of the bat. “ _Just_ because you always manage to worm your way out of-“

“You’ve always wanted to be better than me at something,” Solid snapped, “but you’ve never tried to do that on your own merits. You always have to attack me!”

Liquid growled, reaffirming his grip on the baseball bat. Solid glanced around for a weapon with a better range and more destructive power than a dull boxcutter, but he didn’t dare take his eyes off of his twin for longer than a quarter of a second and Liquid was standing between him and the only obvious thing, the remaining baseball bats.

Solid raised his boxcutter. “Why are you like this? What is _wrong_ with you?”

“Where do I even _start?_ ” Liquid spat.

“Even if you _do_ manage to beat me at something, Dad still won’t like you — you know that, right?” Solid said. “You’ll _never_ get his approval.”

He had to dodge another blow. “I _know_ I’ll never get his approval!” Liquid half-shouted, “I’m not doing this to get his approval!!

                 

“I’m doing this for _myself!!!_ ”

The door to the equipment storage room, which Liquid was standing in front of, opened. “Hey, what’s going on in-?”

Before the person in the doorway could finish his sentence, before Solid could do or say anything, before he could be stopped, Liquid pivoted on his heel and swung the baseball bat with all his strength squarely into Fox’s face.

_KRRCH!!_

**_K.O.!!!!!_ **

Fox was out cold on the floor with a broken nose. Liquid stared down at him for about two seconds, then whipped his head around to look at Solid again, who hurriedly brandished his boxcutter like that would even help.

“Get out,” Liquid said in a voice colder than Alaska in February during a blizzard.

“I can do one better,” Solid said, “I quit.”

Now it was Liquid’s turn to be thrown off-guard. “What?”

“I’m quitting the football team. If it’s going to be like this, there’s no reason for me to stay.” He threw his boxcutter to the floor. “Besides, you were right earlier. I have had a lot on my mind lately.”

Liquid slowly lowered the bat, his body un-tensing. “Oh,” he said flatly. There was a brief pause. “Well, good riddance, brother.”

Solid glared at him. “We’re done here, Liquid. Help me wake up Fox and then we can go.”

“Liquid hit me with a goddamn baseball bat, that’s how this happened,” Fox explained once they were back in the Denny’s parking lot, as Venom worked on mopping up his broken nose. “And right before I entered the room-“

“-Liquid had his back to the door,” Solid cut across. “He thought Fox was a guard and acted without thinking.” Both Fox and Liquid glanced at him in surprise.

Big Boss frowned. “Hmm…”

“I think we could let that slide,” Venom said. “As long as Frank doesn’t mind…”

“It’s… fine,” Fox said, still eyeing Solid.

Big Boss shook his head. “We shouldn’t let anything slide with him. That brat doesn’t know where to stop.” Liquid glared at him mutinously. “I say we kick him off the team. We’ve still got Snake, after all.”

“Actually,” Solid said, looking at the ground determinedly, “I quit.”

“What?!” Big Boss, Fox, and Meryl all said at the same time.

“Why?” Venom said.

“I’m… not doing so good in most of my classes,” Solid said, “so I don’t think it’s a good idea to be on a sports team right now.”

“Snake, you can’t just-“ Big Boss started, but Venom interrupted him.

“I think it’s good that you’re focusing on your schoolwork, David.”

Solid nodded, still staring at the asphalt.

“But we only have three people on the team to begin with,” Fox protested.

“Why don’t you let Meryl join, then?” Solid suggested.

Meryl gasped. “Really?” She turned to Big Boss. “Would you let me?”

Big Boss’ frown deepened. “I… suppose I could talk to Roy about it. But Snake — are you sure about this?”

Solid nodded again.

Big Boss sighed, then checked his watch. “Fine then. We should be getting home now anyway. Come on.”

Big Boss and Solid left, with Solid taking one last glance at Fox and shrugging. Fox narrowed his eyes.

“…they left me,” Liquid said awkwardly after they drove off. “It’s a bit far to walk, too…”

“I can give you a ride home, Eli,” Venom offered.

“I’ll do it,” Fox said loudly, waving Venom’s hands away and standing up. “My nose feels much better now, by the way, Boss, thank you.”

Venom half-smiled in acknowledgement. “That’s very kind of you to drive Eli home, Frank. Meryl, can you get home by yourself?”

“No problem,” Meryl said, throwing her leg over her bike and giving Venom a thumbs up. “Do you think my uncle will finally let me join the team?”

“Probably, considering we’re down a person,” Fox said.

“I can’t wait,” Meryl grinned. “It was so nice of Snake to recommend me as his replacement…”

Venom and Meryl also left, leaving Fox and Liquid standing in awkward silence in the parking lot. Fox huffed, shaking his head, then walked over to Liquid and grabbed him by the collar, dragging him forward so that their faces were only about a half-inch away from each other.

“Listen up, blondie,” Fox said very seriously, “you might be stupid but you’re not _that_ stupid. You knew I wasn’t a guard and if that yelling I heard before I walked in was anything to go by, you attacked _Snake_ before you attacked me.”

Liquid bared his teeth slightly. “What’s your point? Snake covered for me.”

“Yeah, God knows why,” Fox said, “probably because taking you to task for this would just be a hassle and he doesn’t want to deal with it. So - for _his_ sake, not _yours_ \- I’m going to keep my mouth shut about why you broke my nose.”

“That works for me,” Liquid drawled, and Fox finally dropped him.

Fox jerked his head in the direction of his car. “Come on. And by the way — if you ever even _think_ about doing something like that again, I’ll talk, and I’ll have you expelled.”

“Duly noted.”

The next morning, Konami High was forced to forfeit the game due to a trashed field and broken equipment. Kojima High claimed a technical victory, and was on their way to another perfect season.


	11. The Gratuitous, Shameless, Blatant Liquidmantis Fanservice Episode

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I know some of you were waiting for this. Eagerly.
> 
> Also, I'm very disappointed that AO3 doesn't let you use text-shaking HTML marquees.

Something intensely relatable to anyone who’s ever been a teenager is the feeling of lying awake because your twin brother with whom you share a room snores and suddenly, at about four in the morning, _realizing_ something about yourself. (Okay, maybe the middle part of that sentence wasn’t overly relatable, since only about 1.5% of the population has a twin brother, and of those that do, not all of them share a room with him and even then he might not snore. But it was the case for Liquid.)

What Liquid _realized_ was that Solid was… kind of right the other day when he pointed out that Liquid and Mantis were practically attached at the hip. And, furthermore, Liquid _realized_ that he totally had a crush on the guy.

FUCK.

This was the same guy who’d catch other students making out in the hallway and throw a hissy fit about it because he thought it was nasty. This was the same guy who had gone on _multiple_ tirades before about how romance was stupid and pointless and, when you got down to it, completely selfish!

Liquid put his hands over his face, closing his eyes. This… was a disaster waiting to happen.

_~GHOSTS ARE REAL, JUST FYI~_

“Hm?” Raven hmed as Mantis sat down at the lunch table, by himself (apart from the B&B Corps, because he still couldn’t get rid of them). “Where is Liquid?”

“I am not entirely sure,” Mantis said, “we do not have the same class right before lunch, but usually I run into him on the way here…”

“Oh,” Octopus said, “pretty sure I passed him getting kabe-don’d by Ocelot in the hallway.”

“Ah.”

“That won’t end well,” Wolf said.

Mantis shrugged. “Actually, it’s fortunate that he is not here right now. There was an issue that I wanted to ask for advice on that I… don’t want to do in front of him.”

“Yes?” Wolf said, suddenly very interested.

Mantis gave her an unimpressed look but continued nonetheless. “Well, I was reading Eli’s mind this morning—“

“Does the word ‘privacy’ mean anything to you?” Raven asked.

“No. Anyway, he… it would seem he has come to the conclusion that he… has… a crush on me.”

He waited for everyone to react with surprised, then got annoyed when all everyone else was thinking was _Obviously._

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?” he snarled.

“Well, it’s just…” Raven started, “hmm.”

“You did attach yourself to him rather quickly,” Octopus pointed out.

“This is not about my feelings,” Mantis said, offended.

“What _are_ your feelings?” Wolf asked. “Do you like him back?”

Mantis paused before not really answering. “It… is a strange emotion.”

“So what was it you wanted advice on?” Octopus said.

“I am uncertain about what I should do with him now that he figures he likes me as more than a friend.”

“I know what it’s like to have someone I’m not interested in have a crush on me,” Wolf said thoughtfully, “but while I do not care much for Emmerich, you and Liquid are very close…”

“Perhaps you two should just talk about it,” Raven said.

“Wouldn’t that be awkward…?” Mantis said.

“I imagine Liquid’s going to be thinking the same thing,” Octopus said, “especially since you’re… well, _you_. And he’s so bad at socializing in general…”

Mantis shrugged. Wolf looked between him and Raven and Octopus, then said, “Mantis, what would you do if he asked you on a date?”

“I suppose if he were courageous enough to ask such a potentially embarrassing question,” Mantis said, “I would go on one with him.” He narrowed his eyes behind his mask. “But of course none of you will _tell_ him that.”

“Of _course_ not,” Wolf said. “On an unrelated note, you should probably go rescue your paramour from Ocelot.” Mantis gave her an irritated look, but left the cafeteria (the B &B Corps following him out). Wolf turned to Raven and Octopus. “I think we should convince Liquid to ask him out.”

“Why?” Raven said, “Wolf, why do you feel the need to play matchmaker?”

“ _I_ feel the need to make [a _Fiddler on the Roof_ joke](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59Hj7bp38f8),” Octopus said.

Wolf shook her head. “It is only because the closest thing I have to a love interest in this fic is the fact that I think Liquid’s twin brother is sort of handsome. I live vicariously through my matches.”

“…what about Emmerich?” Raven asked flatly.

Wolf rolled her eyes. “Liquid’s twin brother can have him. Also - do you two not think that things in our little group might get _uncomfortable_ if there is unresolved tension between Liquid and Mantis?”

Raven and Octopus glanced at each other. She kind of had a point.

“So we get them to go on one date,” Raven started, “and either it does not work out, but since there was an _attempt_ any pining that might happen is avoided…”

“…or,” Octopus finished, “it does work out and they become boyfriends, but with Mantis being who he is they won’t be doing any sort of couple-y stuff and things will pretty much be back to normal anyway.”

“Yes,” Wolf said, smirking.

“So how do we do this?” Octopus said, “if we straight-up told Liquid to ask Mantis out, Mantis would probably reject him just for that.”

“And he would be angry at us,” Raven said.

“Oh, do not worry,” Wolf said, “I have a plan. We can do this completely behind their backs…”

_~THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN THAT! …DON’T ASK ME WHAT~_

Before school let out, Wolf found Otacon and grilled him about any weird habits Liquid had that Solid had mentioned to him. Otacon, as confused as he was, was able to come up with, “Well, sometimes Snake complains about how when Liquid’s upset about something, he likes to climb out the window and dramatically brood on the roof, and he never closes the window behind him so bugs get in their room and…”

Wolf lived a couple streets away from the Searses, but she could see their house through her rifle scope. She was now going to abuse that ability.

A little bit after 11:30 PM, she observed Liquid climb out of his bedroom window and lie down on the roof, with his arms behind his head, looking up at the sky. He was frowning. Truthfully she had no way of knowing what he was thinking about, because there certainly _were_ a lot of things it’d be in his nature to sulk about like this, but considering Mantis’ news this morning… well, there was only one thing she figured it was right now.

She pulled out her phone and called Octopus.

“He~llo?”

“The target is in position,” she said.

“Roger that, Loba,” Octopus said, then started up his souped-up old Honda Civic, cruising down the street with his windows rolled down.

Liquid, as said, was on the roof, brooding about, as implied, Mantis. Specifically about the fact that Mr. Have I Mentioned I’m Asexual would probably not be happy with the prospect of Liquid thirsting after him and also the fact that having thoughts that Mantis wouldn’t like around the boy was kind of like walking in a minefield to begin with. What if he read Liquid’s mind and found out about his crush on him without him even saying anything?? What if he’d already done that today???

…no, Liquid thought, he would have thrown a tantrum if he had. He must not have noticed. It wasn’t like he would have reason to be suspicious enough to go looking in his mind for it anyway, Liquid was pretty sure. After all, he’d been acting _completely normal_ around him all day.

Still… if Ocelot’s obsession with Big Boss was any indication, then infatuation wasn’t the kind of thing that just went away if ignored. So Liquid had to _do_ something about this…

(Was that music coming from somewhere down the street?)

What _did_ people normally do about this? In books and movies and shitty fanfiction there was always the big dramatic confession, although this wasn’t a book or a movie, and the type of shitty fanfic it _was_ was an ostensibly low-key high school AU. Liquid supposed that the analogue here would be just asking him on a date. But…

But, he wouldn’t like that, would he? He’d probably get mad.

“ _On myyy ooooown… pretending heeee’s besiiiide meeee…_

“ _All aloooone… I waaaalk with hiiiiiim ’til morniiiiing…_ ”

Liquid blinked. Where was that even coming from?

“ _Without hiiiim, I feeeeeeeel his aaaarms around meeeeee-_

 _“And when I lose my way I close my eyes, and he has found meeeeee—_ “

He sat up, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands. From the sound of it, it was coming from a car slowly driving down the street and… the bass was really heavy. Wait, was this bass-boosted? Who would bass-boost _this_ song?

“ _In the raaain, the pavement shiiiiines like siiiilverrrrr!_

“ _All the liiights are mistyyyy in the riiiiVERRRRR_

“ _IN THE DARKNEEESS, THE TREES ARE FUUUULL OOOOF STARLIIIIIIIGHT_

“ _AND ALL I SEE IS HIM AND ME FOREVER AND FOR_ ** _EVERRRRRRRRR_** ”

Well, inexplicably bass-boosted or not, it wasn’t like Liquid was finding the song completely irrelevant to his current romantic situation. He sighed. Maybe Ocelot was just a weirdo and people really did get over their first loves eventually, even if it was unrequited. Maybe Liquid would just suffer for a while and then everything would go back to normal and it would be fine. Right?

And he wouldn’t ruin his friendship with Mantis.

“ ** _AND I KNOOOOOW, IT’S ONLYYYY IIIIN MYYY MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND_**

“ ** _THAT IIII’M TALKIIIING TO MYSELF, AND NOT TOOOO HIIIIIIIIIIIM_**

“ ** _AND ALTHOUGH, I KNOW THAT HEEE IS BLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND_** —“

Wolf called Octopus back. “Is that Les Mis?” she said.

“Yep,” Octopus said, “I thought it was appropriate. And besides, if he _wasn't_ thinking about Mantis already, he is now.”

 

“ ** _Ș̦̗͉̝̖̘T̗̳̦̩́̍̆̎̋Ḯ̟ͣ͆ͮ͐̒L̯̃͑Lͅ ͎̍͐ͥͨ͒ͫͬI̟͇̩͖ͬ͗͌̉ ̭̬͈͔͑̋̑̉S͍͕̩̻͙̼̦̊̄̏̌̐̿Ả̙͂̐ͬA͈͚̜̗̮A͈͙͉͉̪̖͈̐̿ͭͭͬ̓A̖̤̩͂̉ͮ̓̍Ỳ͎̼̩̍̐ͮ̾̎ͨ,͓͍̫͖̲̤͒ͤ̔ ͚͍͙̯̹̆ͨ̒͋̏̊ͩT̫̰̹̪͙Ḣ̟̭̫̤̝̻̺̚E̬̭͙̓̍͋R̲͙ͨ͂ͨͦͧ̑͐E̤͇̺̥͆ͩ'̳͎̫̠̮̰͙ͤ͋ͭS̑͂̉́̽͂ ̩͓̫̈́Ạ͉̦̜̜͗ͬ͆͋ͦ ̭̘̝̝̓ͭ̏̿ͦͣW̹̦͚͚̤̤̗A͚̜̗̘̣ͯͧA̼͖͖͈̎ͩ̒̄̂AA̪͚̻̤̹̠̤͂ͫA̭͒̿̀̓ͤȲ̟͉͍̤̘͉͑̃ͅ ͖̟̳͇̾̊̑́̔ͯͥF̯͚̳̭͖̓̑̽̒̓̓ͫO̪͎͎͔̩͂ͧR̫̘͑͒́̍̋ͫ̚ͅR̞̤ͭ̓̌ͧͯ̋ͯR̜̣͖̳̩͔̆ ͉̬̱̜ͪ̈́̒Ŭ͍͖̼̟̓ͬ̄U̯͚͛̿ͨȔ͓̯̯͊ͯ͒UU̩̙̫̜͙̮͍̅ͣ̍ͯͦ̚U͚̯͕͐Ȗ̞͖ͬS͍͌̓S̤̭͓͋̆ͩͯ̌̉S͍̲̗̻͚̺̐ͭ̂ͧͮS͕̺ͧͥͤͫ̍͆!!!!!!!_** ”

 

“Turn that off,” Wolf snapped, “we are trying to encourage him, not depress him. Put on something else!”

Octopus sighed, then switched songs.

Liquid blinked as the music blasting from the car slowly rolling down his street abruptly changed from bass-boosted _Les Misérables_ to bass-boosted [whatever this is](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-sfG8BV8wU).

Solid finally stuck his head out the window at all that noise. “What the heck is that?”

“That, dear brother,” said Liquid, staring up at the stars, “is a _sign_.”

_~ONE MORE DAY BEFORE THE STORM~_

The next morning, when he arrived at school, Liquid was a little less confident than he had been the night before. In fact he’d gone back to worrying that Mantis would not only reject him, but also be insulted and might cut him off completely. As said in chapter one, the closest thing Liquid had ever had to a best friend before Mantis came along had been _Ocelot_ , so quite frankly he was _terrified_ at the prospect of losing him.

His saving grace came in the form of Raven, texting him that morning to say he’d found something weird behind the gym and he wanted Liquid to meet him there to check it out. Checking out something weird meant a distraction from his ~love problems~, and on top of that he could casually ask Raven for some vague advice.

He didn’t know if Raven knew much about dating and stuff, but probably he knew more than Liquid, because ‘inexperienced’ was better than ‘completely clueless’.

Raven wasn’t there.

Mantis was.

Oh god. Awkward…

“What are you doing back here?” Liquid asked, kicking back against the wall and crossing his arms, trying to act as natural as possible, even though everyone knows _act natural_ is an oxymoron. “Raven was supposed to show me something.”

“Really?” Mantis said, sounding bored. “Raven asked me to meet him here because there was something he wished to discuss.”

Liquid raised his eyebrows. “What? …do you think it was related to what he found back here? That would explain why he asked us both to meet him here at the same time…”

“Perhaps.” Mantis glanced up at the building, specifically towards the window of the classroom where Wolf, Octopus, and Raven were watching through a shared pair of binoculars.

He knew that they’d set him and Liquid up. He also knew that Liquid was completely unaware. He sighed, turning back to Liquid. “It seems he isn’t coming.”

“Ah. No. It would appear that way.”

There was a pregnant pause. Liquid opened his mouth, then closed it again.

“Just _ask him already_ ,” Wolf hissed up in the classroom as Octopus grabbed the binoculars from her. “Why are you hesitating? Stop hesitating!”

“Wait, I got this,” Raven said, then pulled out the keys to his tank and hit the panic button.

Because fuck you, that totally makes sense.

**B E E P   B E E P   B E E P   B E E P   B E E P   B E E P   B E E P   B E E P   B E E P   B E E P**

Liquid and Mantis both jumped, and with the surge of adrenaline that came with being startled like that, Liquid’s misgivings totally disappeared, because they were the result of overthinking and if there was one thing Liquid _didn’t do_ when he had adrenaline in his system, it was _think_.

“Listen, Mantis,” he said, glancing over his shoulder in the direction of the parking lot, “how would you feel about going to see a movie with me, ah, tonight?”

“Which movie?” Mantis said, his voice completely neutral.

Liquid hadn’t thought that far ahead. “How about The Lego Batman Movie?” he said, because not only is that movie still in theaters as of this posting, but the author has also recently seen it and gives it a STRONG recommendation. Also, it doesn’t _technically_ have a romantic subplot in it so there wouldn’t be anything for Mantis complain about when it came to that.

“Do you mean as a date?” Mantis said.

“Yes,” Liquid said before he stop himself, “as a date.” And _then_ his brain caught up with his mouth. “If… if that’s alright with you, Mantis. I, er, I actually really like you… like, _like_ like you, and—“

Mantis put a finger to Liquid’s lips, and he shut up with a flustered gulp. “Pick me up at 6:30,” he said, “we’ll catch the 7:00 showing.”

Liquid’s expression right now: (๑✧◡✧๑)

Meanwhile, up in the classroom, Wolf, who could read lips, put down the binoculars and said, “Mission accomplished.” And all three of them exchanged high-fives, kind of like this, except with less women and more racial diversity:

“By the way, Raven,” Liquid said, a few hours later over lunch, after he had casually, nonchalantly mentioned (read: proudly, excitedly announced) that he and Mantis were going on _a date_ that evening (as Mantis facepalmed in the background), “what was it you wanted to show me this morning? I was back there, and I didn’t see anything strange.”

Raven shook his head. “The strange thing, Liquid,” he said, “was you successfully navigating a social situation.”

“…oh.”

And _then_ he realized they had been set up, and went totally red.

_~FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS INDEFINITELY PINE FOR OTHER FRIENDS~_

“Mother I need to use the car.”

EVA looked up from her laptop, where she had been ~~playing Overwatch~~ doing teacher-related things that did not involve video games. “You don’t even have your license yet.”

“It’s not like anyone’s going to pull me over and check,” Liquid said, then shifted his weight restlessly, “pleeeeeease, Mother.”

She raised an eyebrow. “What do you need it _for_ , Eli?”

“I have,” he said, practically giddy, “a _date_ tonight.”

“A date?” EVA said, surprised.

“Who would go on a date with _Liquid?_ ” Solidus called from the living room.

“Maybe Wolf?” Solid (who had just flopped on the couch after getting back from next door - after Meryl had been accepted onto the football team, her “cheerleader” role was quickly filled by Raiden, so now Solid babysat Sunny on the days Raiden was at ‘football’ practice) said. “You know… the hot girl he hangs out with, the one my friend Otacon has a crush on.”

“I have no idea who you’re talking about,” Solidus said.

“No, it’s not her,” Liquid called back, marginally annoyed, “it’s Mantis. I’m going on a date with Mantis!”

“This… is the least surprising thing I’ve heard all year,” EVA said.

“You’re going on a date with _Mantis?_ ” Solid said, getting up and sticking his head into the kitchen, which is where EVA had been totally not playing Overwatch. “That seems pretty gay.”

Both Liquid and EVA needed a moment to process how astoundingly stupid and obvious Solid’s last statement was.

 

“Er… yes?” Liquid said after a moment, “it… is?? Snake, _I’m_ gay.” (Meaning it in the same sense in which aireyv says they’re a lesbian; that is, bisexual but primarily attracted to the same sex.) He turned back to EVA. “So can I use your car?”

“As long as you bring it back without a scratch,” she said, blinking, “have fun on your date, Eli.”

_~IT’S NOT GAY IF IT’S FOR THE REVOLUTION~_

Liquid arrived at Mantis’ house about ten minutes too early which ended up working out just fine because they got stuck in traffic on the way to the theater - the Thunderdome of Awkward Dates previously alluded to in episode five as the one Venom and Quiet went to.

“I can’t believe you agreed to this,” Liquid said in the car, still with stars in his eyes about the whole situation.

“I can’t believe I agreed to this either,” Mantis muttered.

After the movie, which, I reiterate, is a VERY GOOD film, they hung out at a dark, empty playground for a while, and Liquid asked why Mantis _had_ agreed to go on a date with him.

“Because you asked,” Mantis said.

“Is it really that simple?”

“You were so nervous about asking… I thought as long as you could gather up the courage to do so, I may as well accompany you.”

Liquid laughed once. “It was stupid of me to be nervous, wasn’t it?”

“Perhaps. Of course, if you’d been as cavalier with asking me out as you are with getting into fights, I really wouldn’t have cared.”

“Oh.”

There was a brief pause. “It was cute, actually,” Mantis said.

Liquid flushed. “C… cute?”

“How shy you were. How… vulnerable. It’s very different from the anger I felt from you when we first met.”

“Ah, but - that anger was exactly why you decided to become my best friend, wasn’t it?”

Mantis tilted his head. “Is it so bad to like both sides of you? …especially since you try not to show that socially awkward side of yours. You really trust me.” He stood up, then took Liquid’s face in his hands and scrutinized him. “I could hurt you so badly,” he said softly.

It was silent for a moment, except for the sound of crickets and cars passing by a few streets away.

“But you won’t,” Liquid said.

“True,” Mantis said, then pressed his gas mask against Liquid’s face. It took Liquid a second to realize what that was analogous to.

Oh, god.

Yeah, they were definitely going on a second date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That graphic at the end took me like two hours to make because all I had were some stock photos, a mouse, and an improperly sized Photoshop window that didn't let me change the size of my brushes.
> 
> Also somebody _please_ make a bass-boosted version of On My Own for me.


	12. Sexually Transmitted Drama

“So, Ocelot,” Naomi said, looking at her clipboard, “the results of your blood test are back.”

Ocelot blinked. “Why do you have my blood?”

“Nevermind that. Anyway, I’m afraid you’re HIV positive.”

There was a long pause.

“I’m _what?_ ”

“HIV positive,” Naomi repeated. “Remember how you had the flu last week?”

“…yes.”

“That was HIV.” She looked at her clipboard again, and tapped it with her pen. “Of course, this isn’t the eighties anymore. Nowadays, antiretroviral therapy can prevent HIV from progressing to AIDS and also greatly reduce your risk of transmitting it. You’ll be on a drug cocktail for the rest of your life, and naturally there will be side effects to deal with, but other than that you can live a perfectly normal life at your expected lifespan.”

“I… see.”

“However, you might want to notify any sexual partner…s you may have. They should get tested as well.”

About five minutes later Ocelot walked into Kaz’s classroom.

“So…” he said, “big news…”

“What did you do this time?” Kaz said without looking up from his lesson planning.

“I— _may_ have given you HIV.”

Kaz’s head snapped up. “What.”

Ocelot shrugged.

“Where the _hell_ would you even pick up HIV in the first place? I thought I was the only one you-“

“Considering John’s married and his kids are still underage, you are,” Ocelot said, then his tone got more accusatory: “so maybe it’s more likely _I_ got it from _you_.”

“Bullshit. I don’t have HIV. I haven’t shown any symptoms whatsoever.”

“You could be in the clinical latency stage, you wouldn’t be having any symptoms at that point. Can you think of anyone you might have gotten infected from _before_ we started fooling around?”

There was a very awkward pause.

“College was kind of a strange time for me,” Kaz said defensively. “And anyway I might not have it. We use condoms… sometimes… at least twice…” He put his head in his hand. “Christ. Okay, now I’ve got to go tell Cécile. And Paz. And Amanda…”

Ocelot raised his eyebrows. “God, Miller, you’re a slut.”

“And Strangelove might have picked it up from one of those three. Maybe. And - supposing I caught it in college, Snake might have it… and he has children with EVA, so - all four of them…”

Ocelot’s eyebrows raised further. Partially because he hated it when Kaz brought up the fact that once upon a time he’d totally tapped Big Boss’ ass, and partially because, “Are you implying that I’m just the first casualty in your single-handed AIDS epidemic?”

Kaz did not appreciate the ‘single-handed’ dig.

“Go fuck yourself, Ocelot.”

“You know what usually happens when you say that to me, Miller.”

“Not when you just told me you have HIV, it doesn’t.”

_~I ACTUALLY KNOW STUFF ABOUT HIV/AIDS~_

Kaz went to Naomi to get tested as soon as possible, as _discreetly_ as possible, which of course meant that the very next day the whole school knew about it. Mostly because Naomi had told Fox, who told Gustava, who told Holly, who told everyone as part of her journalistic duty to the truth. And then the school nurse/patient confidentiality violation ended up being a moot point anyway, because once Kaz gave Cécile, Paz, Amanda, and EVA (since he didn’t want to talk to Big Boss) a heads-up (and Paz mentioned it to Strangelove), word got out _that_ way, too. Cécile saw no shame in “maybe I got HIV” and used it as the basis for a very PSA-y French lesson.

By the way, VIH (virus de l'immunodéficience humaine) is how you say HIV in French, and SIDA (syndrome d'immunodéficience acquise) is how you say AIDS.

Anyway, the whole school was talking about it, although when it came to the fact that Kaz was sleeping around with so many people the only thing that was really surprising _there_ was the fact that Ocelot was on the list too. And even then it wasn’t surprising so much as everyone just r-e-a-lly hoped that they didn’t do it on their desks.

“I can’t believe this,” said Octopus over a game of Magic in the library that morning, “an AIDS epidemic in our very own town.”

“Technically it is an HIV epidemic,” Raven said, “AIDS is only the final stage of HIV.”

“Whatever.”

“It’s bad timing, that’s what this is,” Liquid grumbled, pulling a card out of his deck, “right after I got a boyfriend…”

“Oh, right,” Wolf said, “your parents are on the list of suspected patients. Which means if they had it before you born, then it would have been passed on to you…”

Liquid shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “You know, it’s never come up before,” he said, almost defensively, “that’s why I didn’t know. And I… don’t _think_ I have HIV…” He blinked. “Now that I think about it, I don’t know anything about HIV. I don’t know what the symptoms are, I don’t know how it’s transmitted…” He went pale. “It’s bodily fluids, isn’t it? Is it transmitted through saliva?”

There was an uneasy silence.

“The sex ed at this school is terrible,” Wolf told him. “And you can’t trust everything you read on the internet, either, so…”

“I do not think I am going to be infected with HIV just because you kissed me on the cheek,” Mantis said dryly.

“You should not worry about it for now, Liquid,” Raven said, “wait until your parents’ results come back. In all likelihood, you would test negative.”

“…yes,” Liquid said at length, although he was still plainly worried about it, “you’re probably right.”

_~NEVER ENGAGE IN UNPROTECTED HAND-HOLDING~_

Meanwhile, Solid was wandering the hallways and found Otacon leaning his head against his locker, pale and eyes wide.

“Something on your mind?” Solid said, rather tactlessly.

Otacon started, then looked at him. “Just, um, trying to figure out the timeline here.”

“Timeline?” Wasn’t the timeline thrown out the window along with canon?

“Well, uh…” he lowered his voice, “the biggest reason why my parents broke up was because Mom kept cheating on Dad…”

Solid thought about Huey, and really couldn’t blame her.

“…and I’m pretty sure that it was Miss Cécile she was cheating on him with. Or maybe Miss Paz? I don’t remember. The point is that either of them apparently slept with Master Miller, because they both submitted bloodwork… so, I’m trying to think if that happened before or after my mom… well, y’know. Because if Miss Cécile got HIV from Master Miller and then Mom got HIV from Miss Cécile, then—“

“…you’d be in the same boat I might be in?” Solid said.

Otacon shook his head. “No, my parents did a bunch of screening around when I was born. I was negative for, well, everything, when I was a baby at least. I just- if my mom has HIV, then maybe she transmitted it to my father before they got divorced, and…” he lowered his voice further, and Solid had to lean in to hear him, “…and what if my father transmitted it to Julie?”

Solid frowned. “Are you even 100% sure Julie did it with your dad in the first place? Didn’t she only marry him to get to you?”

Otacon shrugged miserably. “I know they had sex at least once. Julie told me he’s got a small penis.”

There was a painfully uncomfortable pause. Emphasis on _painfully_. And _uncomfortable_.

“You should get tested,” Solid said eventually, “only, try to find that other nurse we’re supposed to have instead of Fox’s sister, since Naomi’ll tell everyone.”

Otacon’s lips twitched, and it almost seemed like he was trying to smile defensively but couldn’t quite get his face to cooperate. “How am I supposed to explain _why_ I need a test done?” he whispered, “I-I can’t just tell her what’s going on between Julie and I!”

Personally Solid thought it would in all likelihood be better if he _did_ , even if it meant Huey would find out about it, but he kept his mouth shut. “Come up with an excuse.”

“Like what? If I say I think I caught it from- from drinking from the water fountain or something, I won’t get the test done,” Otacon said, “the sex ed at this school might be terrible but everyone knows HIV doesn’t spread via saliva! And I can’t just say I’ve been sharing needles while doing drugs, she’ll know that’s not true… plus The Boss would probably want to have a talk with me about that…”

“So fess up to having sex,” Solid said, “but don’t mention with who.”

Otacon scrubbed his hand over his face. “But it’ll still sound like there’s something illegal going on,” he said. “Everyone on the ‘might have HIV’ list is an _adult_.”

Solid swallowed hard. “Not everyone.”

_~DID YOU REALLY THINK WE’D GET THIS FAR WITHOUT A FAKE BOYFRIEND PLOT?~_

Meryl got a text about halfway through her first class of the day. She glanced down at her phone and grinned at the notification.

“Snake, huh?” Johnny said next to her, a little sourly.

Meryl rolled her eyes. He was just jealous.

She open the text and immediately her brow furrowed. “meryl,” it said, “i just want you to know that even if it’ll seem like me and otacon are dating for the next few days, we’re not. he’ll back me up on this, seriously, it’s just a pretend relationship we have to do for reasons. can’t really tell you more. just wanted to let you know please don’t tell anyone”

Johnny leaned over. “What are you frowning at?” he said, trying to look at her screen.

“Nothing!” Meryl snapped, snatching away her phone, “it’s secret!”

“this is totally crazy, snake!!!!!” she texted back, “how come you want to let me know???”

She could feel the awkward silence even over SMS.

Johnny frowned at her.

“just wanted to make sure there’s still at least one person who knows i’m straight,” Solid replied after way longer than it would have taken him to type that.

Also, to be honest, Meryl wasn’t entirely sure she believed that.

“So what’s the secret?” Johnny said, settling his elbows on her desk. “C’mon, you can tell me, Meryl…”

“Okay,” Meryl said, then cupped her hand by Johnny’s ear, “Snake and Otacon are dating now.”

Johnny blinked. “Huh,” he said, “I thought Snake would never come out of the closet.”

“Sasaki! Silverburgh!” Amanda said loudly, “¡Presta atención!”

“¡Sí, señora!”

_~THIS LINEBREAK PAID FOR THE BY THE GEORGE “SOLIDUS SNAKE” SEARS CAMPAIGN FUND, MAKE KOJIMA HIGH GREAT AGAIN~_

By the end of the school day everyone knew about Solid and Otacon, and while there was some shock it was almost entirely over the fact that Solid had admitted he was into guys and not that he was allegedly dating Otacon of all people.

Much to Solid’s frustration.

“How did everyone _expect_ this from me?” he grumbled, “I’m the straightest guy in the school! …not that that’s hard with this school, I suppose…”

Otacon adjusted his glasses nervously. “At least no one’s gonna question why I’m worried about HIV now…”

EVA, for her part, was mostly just stunned that _both_ of her twins had managed to get themselves boyfriends in the space of however long it’s been between this episode and the last.

“Snake, they’re _growing up_ ,” she said to Big Boss.

“Good,” Big Boss said, “when do they move out?”

EVA was also stunned that Solid had apparently gotten up to some hanky-panky with his boyfriend before actually telling EVA that he _had_ a boyfriend. Maybe that was just the closet talking…

“Okay, Snake, I’ve got to know,” Liquid whispered after lights out, “did you and Emmerich fuck on my bed??”

Solid gave him a very perplexed look.

“Why would we— on _your_ bed-?”

“So you wouldn’t have to change the sheets afterwards.”

Solid stared at him for a few seconds, then got _very_ concerned…

“Are you trying to say you and _Mantis_ fucked on _my_ -“

“Oh, no,” Liquid said quickly, and a little loudly, “god no, Mantis would never allow that. D-Don’t assume such crass things about us, brother, Mantis will kill me.”

Solid rolled his eyes. He might be in a fake relationship right now, but at least his pretend boyfriend wasn’t virulently asexual.

_~PREMARITAL SEX IS HOW THE DEVIL GETS YOU~_

Otacon’s HIV testing was handled a little more discreetly than the teachers’, but word still got out after a fashion, namely that the Kojima High AIDS Epidemic (as it had been blown up into, thanks Holly) had reached the student body.

“I’m pretty sure _this_ didn’t originate with Master Miller,” Octopus said.

“I thought it would have originated with you or your brothers,” Raven said to Liquid.

Liquid shook his head. “Apparently Snake’s been shagging Emmerich behind everyone’s backs, but-“

“No he hasn’t,” Mantis said.

“What? That’s what he said.”

“He’s covering for… something I’d rather not say,” Mantis said, “it is too distasteful. But your brother _still_ thinks he is straight.”

“Really?”

“Well, either way,” Wolf said, “I know Emmerich. Even if he _had_ been fooling around with Snake, I do not think he would be spreading HIV to any other students.”

“Maybe it was Snake, then,” Raven said.

“Er… Raven, if we’re assuming Snake has HIV,” Liquid said, making about this face:

“Then that would mean that I also…”

“Your brother is a virgin, Eli,” Mantis said.

“So it must be some other source,” Octopus said, “Liquid, what about your other brother?”

“Can we stop assuming my family has HIV?” Liquid groaned.

Wolf stroked her chin in thought. “Should we assume that the virus passed the student-teacher barrier at some point,” she said, “or that it came from a different source entirely, and the fact that it happened at the same time as the _teacher_ AIDS epidemic is only a coincidence?”

“It’s hard to answer that when we don’t know of any _obscure_ ways someone might accidentally transmit HIV,” Octopus said, “you know, I’ve heard that you can catch chlamydia from a toilet seat, does anyone know if the same thing is possible with HIV?”

“I thought it was herpes you could catch from a toilet seat,” Raven said. One of the B&B Corps started crying.

“Maybe it _was_ a coincidence,” Wolf said, folding her arms and sitting back in her chair, “hmm… what about that exchange student? He is from Liberia… perhaps he brought HIV with him…”

“Um, Wolf,” Raven said, “I am pretty sure that’s racist.”

“No it’s not,” Wolf said, “Jack is white. I am not.”

“You don’t have to be white to be racist,” Liquid argued.

“How would you know?” Octopus said, “you’re a gringo yourself.”

“How dare you! I’m mixed.”

“Your mother might be Chinese, but she’s still white,” Octopus said.

“My parents had fertility issues, so I’m still a clone in this AU,” Liquid snapped, “and the egg donor was still Japanese. That makes me part Japanese, I’m _mixed_. And besides, I was raised half-Chinese, so I’m _still_ -”

“Wait,” Mantis said, “am I really the only white one at this table?” (#relatable)

Wolf glanced at the B&B Corps. “Isn’t one of them ambiguously Scandinavian…?”

“Well, I am not racist,” Mantis said, “I hate everyone _equally_.”

“That’s what racists say, Mantis,” Octopus said.

“This is completely beside the point,” Raven said, “Wolf, it is still racist to assume that all Africans have HIV, even if the one you are referring to _is_ white.”

“I didn’t say _all_ Africans have HIV, just that maybe Jack does…”

_~YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY CATCH ANYTHING FROM A TOILET SEAT~_

Solidus raised his hand in health class. “Mr. Volgin,” he said, “how exactly _is_ HIV transmitted?”

“Hmmmmm,” Volgin said, “well, as you all know, HIV is transmitted through bodily fluids, like blood, semen, and breastmilk.”

“Um, what about saliva or urine?” Raiden said, also raising his hand.

“………..yes,” Volgin said. “In order for transmission to occur, the HIV-infected fluid must be either injected directly into your bloodstream, or come into contact with either damaged tissue or a mucus membrane.”

Rose raised her hand. “What if it’s just on the skin,” she said, “is that okay?”

“No,” Volgin said, “you will get AIDS.”

“Or,” Raiden said, “what if a mosquito bites someone who has HIV and then bites you?”

“Or if you share a drink with someone who has HIV?” Solidus said.

“Or perform CPR on someone who has HIV,” Rose said.

“Or if someone with HIV sneezes on you…”

“Yes yes yes yes,” Volgin said, “these are all ways in which you can contract HIV. So stay away from HIV positive people at all costs. Now, going back to what I was talking about…” and he continued explaining the finer points of the human body’s endurance to the class.

_~THIS ISN’T THE EIGHTIES ANYMORE~_

Quiet very insistently pointed at a ☮HIV SCREENING IS EASY AND FREE☮ poster at the wall, staring intently at Venom.

Venom was mostly just confused. “Are you one of the teachers getting tested?”

She gave him a very long-suffering look.

“Wait… Quiet, does this mean you… had sex with Kaz?”

Quiet: 

She shook her head vigorously, then poked Venom in the chest. For the love of _God_ , he could be _so dense_ sometimes… well, most of the time, actually…

It took Venom a moment to realize what she was asking, but was still kind of befuddled. “No, I’m not getting tested. Why would I need to get tested?”

Okay… Quiet figured that was probably a good sign, all things considered… it probably indicated that Kaz wasn’t _that_ much of a threat to her when it came to competing for Venom’s affection.

Then again, _Quiet_ hadn’t gotten very far with him, either…

_~TAP IT BEFORE YOU WRAP IT. WAIT HANG ON~_

After school there was a lot of drama going on at the neighbors’ house - not the Gurlukoviches, no, the Volgins. Mostly it was just Raikov throwing a very loud tantrum that carried on out of doors when he stormed out of the house screaming about how it was a good thing they’d already paid off their home because he didn’t know _what_ they were going to do now, what was he supposed to do, find a job _himself??_

The mystery of what Raikov and Volgin were arguing about was solved the next morning, when a school-wide assembly was called during first period and The Boss announced that Mr. Volgin had been fired for gross incompetence in light of the HIV/AIDS scare, and was going to be filled in by the usual substitute, Mr. Campbell, for the rest of the semester.

(Solid wondered if The Boss would ever fire Skull Face for gross incompetence. He still hadn’t learned anything in his class.)

The rarely-seen senior school nurse, Dr. Clark, took the podium to give the student body the much-needed AIDS education they needed.

“So,” she said, “who here has seen the movie _Rent_?”

Ocelot slipped to the back of the auditorium to stand next to The Boss as Dr. Clark explained that no, HIV is not transmitted through saliva (cue audible sigh of relief from where Liquid was sitting) or urine, it can’t survive in a mosquito’s stomach and as such wouldn’t be transmitted that way, and getting HIV-infected fluid on your skin won’t actually do anything. If any of you are actually learning something from this fic, I’ll just casually direct you to this [lovely website run by a UK anti-HIV charity that’s been around since the original AIDS epidemic in the eighties](http://www.avert.org/hiv-transmission-prevention/how-you-get-hiv).

“Have you already decided who’s going to be the new health teacher?” Ocelot asked.

“I’m still thinking about it,” The Boss said, “I need to see if there’s anyone Zero recommends.”

“I could always double up subjects,” Ocelot suggested.

The Boss gave him a critical look. “Most of what Volgin did in his class was teach about torture, how the human body reacts to it, and how to do it properly,” she said, “how would things be any different with you?”

“Well,” Ocelot said, “with me, we’d actually get some decent sex ed around here for a change.”

_~TO PEOPLE LIVING WITH LIVING WITH LIVING WITH NOT DYING OF DISEASE~_

The bloodwork results came back and, as it turned out, the only one who actually tested positive for HIV was Kaz.

“ _What_ ,” he said.

“From the looks of things, you haven’t had it quite as long as Ocelot,” Dr. Clark said, “I guess the only reason why you haven’t had any symptoms is because they haven’t actually hit you yet. But on the plus side,” she added brightly, “at least we caught it early.”

“But wait,” Kaz said, “this means I really did catch it from Ocelot.” He ran his hand through his hair in confusion (he was sitting down right now, so he could do that). “Where did _Ocelot_ get it from? He doesn’t do drugs and I’m the only one he has sex with.”

Dr. Clark shrugged. “How am I supposed to know? You’ll just have to ask him.”

So Kaz went to Ocelot’s classroom after that, and closed the door behind him, glaring.

“You _did_ give me HIV,” he snarled.

“Look on the bright side, Miller,” Ocelot said, “at least you didn’t actually start an AIDS epidemic like we all thought you did. You had half the school worrying they’d test positive…”

“Ha ha. Ocelot, where on _earth_ —?”

Ocelot tapped a finger to his chin, thinking, then his eyes widened. “Oh, wait,” he said, “a couple weekends ago, when I was doing my red room stream…”

“When you were doing your what.”

“Things got a little bloody, and I accidentally tore my glove, so I took them off. I realized later that I had a cut on my hand. Hm… I suppose that guy must have been HIV-positive.” He sighed. “It really pays to practice proper sanitation techniques while you’re torturing someone, Miller. I guess that’s the moral of this episode.”

Kaz stared at him for a very long time.

“You gave me _fucking_ HIV, Ocelot,” he said flatly.

“Yes. I noticed.”

“I’m going to take it out of your ass, Ocelot.”

Ocelot smiled indulgently - predatorily. “Isn’t that how I gave you HIV in the first place, Miller?”

_~KAZ PRACTICES SAFE SEX WITH EVERYONE BESIDES OCELOT, APPARENTLY~_


	13. INTERMISSION: aireyv Can't Draw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unironic art for my high school AU... I'm officially basic.  
> Still working on episode eleven!

 

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also... big news...  
> My mission application finally got in to Church headquarters after over six months of delays, so that eighteen-month hiatus I've alluded to is coming up fast! They assign calls on Thursdays, so mine might be sent out as soon as tomorrow~! I'll let y'all know where I'm headed and when I leave for the MTC!! :D (I'm hoping to go abroad/non-English speaking!)


	14. Judging a Book by Its Cover

Trouble was coming to Hideo Kojima High School.

Trouble… by the name of Samuel Rodrigues, a new foreign exchange student from Brazil, which is much, _much_ sexier than Liberia.

“Well, I think,” Solidus said one morning (specifically, the morning directly after the AIDS hysteria cleared up and no one ever mentioned it again except Ocelot and Kaz are still both going on ART soon) in the cafeteria, “it’s rather nice not to be the new student anymore.”

“I thought no one really cared that you were a new student,” Olga said.

“No one really did. But it will be nice to no longer be the student who knows the least about the culture of this school.”

“I’m not even sure you qualified as that to begin with,” Fortune said, “Raiden still has a lot to learn about the culture of this country.”

“I think he’s getting along just fine,” Rose said, kissing him.

Raiden didn’t really react. He was brooding.

“What’s wrong, Jack?” Fatman asked in a tone of voice that made it clear he didn’t actually _care_ about what was wrong.

“Don’t call me that,” Raiden snapped, then sighed. “It’s that new foreign exchange student!” he said.

Fortune raised an eyebrow. “What’s wrong with the new foreign exchange student?”

“Yeah,” Rose said, “I think he’s pretty handsome.”

“That’s _exactly_ what’s wrong with him!” Raiden grumped, “that, and the fact that _I’m_ the token foreign exchange student in this school.”

“There can only be one, eh, Jack?” Solidus said.

“I told you, that’s not my name, Sears.”

He glared across the cafeteria to where Sam was talking to a gaggle of generic students (female _and_ male, because that’s just how Kojima High rolls) in that stupid sexy Brazilian accent of his.

“I bet he’s a jerk,” Raiden grumbled.

“You’re the one being a jerk, Jack,” Rose said, “judging him before you even know him!”

“Yes, you should go talk to him before you pass judgement,” Olga said.

Raiden stood up. “Fine,” he said, “maybe I will!” And he marched over to Sam.

“Oh, you must be Jack, the _other_ foreign exchange student here,” Sam said, smirking.

“Uh… yeah,” Raiden said, “the _original_ foreign exchange student.”

“Well, sometimes you just have to upgrade,” Sam said. *smirk smirk*

“Well, sometimes upgrades are totally unnecessary,” Raiden said as obnoxiously as possible, which, let’s be real here, was pretty obnoxious when it came to him.

Sam glanced behind Raiden to the table he’d just come from, where all his friends (read: acquaintances, girlfriend, and guy who basically ruined his life) were sitting. “Are those you friends?”

“Ugh,” Raiden said, rolling his eyes, “didn’t you read the parenthesis?”

“I thought it was untrue,” Sam said flippantly, “after all, I don’t buy that you have a _girlfriend_. Not with _that_ hair.”

“What!”

   

_~NGL MONSOON IS PRETTY HOT~_

“What’re you looking at?”

Solid’s head snapped up, and he hurriedly put away his phone. “Nothing,” he lied.

Fox narrowed his eyes at him, then looked around. “Where’s your boyfriend?”

Solid felt a twinge at the word ‘boyfriend’, but forced a shrug. “Not sure.”

“Trick question. I just saw him hanging out with Mei Ling in his mom’s classroom.” He turned back to Solid and gave him a somewhat serious expression. “You look troubled. More than usual, I mean. What’s up?”

“Really, it’s nothing,” Solid said.

“Hey man, I’m your best friend. If you need advice…”

Solid shook his head. “No, really. It’s nothing.”

Fox scrutinized him for a moment, then shrugged. “If you say so.”

Solid could really have used some advice, though. ‘I kind of like you, Snake’… what was he supposed to do with that? Somehow, when he got that text, he couldn’t bring himself to carry out his knee-jerk reaction of “Sorry, I don’t swing that way, I only see you as a friend, etc.” and had just left Otacon on read all night. And all morning, too, so far. He hadn’t even responded to the “keeping up the charade a little while longer” part.

Which, honestly, he wouldn’t have had a problem with… _if_ Otacon didn’t have to go and dump this in his lap. What was Solid supposed to _do?_

The only person he could ask for advice with this was Meryl, because she was the only one who knew that his and Otacon’s relationship was a sham, but he had honestly only told her because _she_ was the one he wanted a relationship with, not Otacon, and he knew she wouldn’t pry into _why_ he and Otacon needed to act like they were dating, but…

…but if he asked her how to let down a guy gently when they were literally already fake dating, she _would_ ask why they were fake dating in the first place. And of course Solid couldn’t tell her _that_.

But who else was he supposed to ask for advice? It would be _completely ridiculous_ to say, “My boyfriend confessed that he has a crush on me and I don’t know how to react to that.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, Snake,” Fox said, “if you’re that worried about something, why don’t you just go see The Sorrow?”

“Huh?” Solid said. “The Sorrow?”

“The school counselor? Do you not know him?”

“No, I know him. More or less.”

Fox held out his hands. “So if it’s something you can’t talk to your friends about, go talk to _him_. You mope around enough at it is.”

Maybe Fox had a point…

_~COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO SUCC~_

By some quirk of narrative hilarity, “Jetstream” Sam turned out to be another freshman, and was in _all_ of Raiden’s classes. He quickly took the Main Character Seat™ in the back of the classroom near the window in every classroom which had a window (which would be all of them because screw architecture), which pissed Raiden off because by rights that was _his_ seat.

Actually, it _was_ literally his seat, and Sam unceremoniously kicked him out of it by somehow arriving to class earlier than he did _every time_ and taking the seat before Raiden even got there. Also, everyone was paying attention to him and he wouldn’t stop bragging about how Brazil was totally cooler than Liberia.

It was driving Raiden nuts.

Lunchtime rolled around and Sam, who had quickly figured out it was _absolutely hysterical_ to drive Raiden nuts, joined him at their table. Rose seemed pleased - so did Fortune, and even Fatman, although Solidus seemed completely immune to Sam’s charms.

“Can you just _go?_ ” Raiden muttered sourly.

Sam tilted his head slightly, smirking at him. “What, exactly, is your problem with me, Jack?” He leaned way too close to not be implicitly homoerotic. “Defending your territory?”

“Maybe I am,” Raiden snapped.

Sam glanced at Rose and made that fucking face again. You know the one. The shit-eating grin. This one.

Again.

Rose giggled coyly; Raiden twitched. “Don’t even _think_ about hitting on my girlfriend, Sam!”

“What’s stopping me?” Sam said smugly, “I don’t think you deserve her.”

“Oh, no, Jack’s a wonderful person,” Rose said, blushing.

“That’s not what I meant,” Sam said, “I think he’s gay.”

“I am standing _right here!!_ ” Raiden yelled. “And I’m not gay! You just told _my girlfriend_ that you think I’m gay, how could you even—?!”

“You _did_ have some kind of fanboy crush on Solid Snake while he was on the football team,” Fatman said, sipping his wine.

“I’m not entirely sure he doesn’t _still_ have a fanboy crush on Frank Jaeger,” Fortune added.

Raiden stood up, slamming his hands on the table. “Hey!” he said, “that would make me _bisexual!!_ I’m still into girls!” He huffed. “It doesn’t even matter anyway, because I’m _already_ dating _Rose!_ ”

“I’m just saying,” Sam said, “if you don’t want people to think you’re gay maybe you should consider getting a haircut…”

“ _I_ like his hair,” Rose told him.

“There’s nothing gay about long blond hair,” Raiden said stubbornly, “I mean, look at Sears’ brother.”

“…Jack, he has a boyfriend…”

Meanwhile on the other side of the cafeteria, said brother sneezed, just like in one of our Japanese animés.

“Ugh… allergies, this time of year?” he muttered, wiping his nose.

Wolf frowned. “My bisexuality erasure senses are tingling,” she said, “someone just implied that you are homosexual, Liquid.”

“Good for them. Why do you have bisexuality erasure senses?”

She shrugged. “No one ever acknowledges the gender-neutral pronouns Ocelot uses when he talks about me falling in love with targets in MGS1, implying that some of the targets I fell in love with were women.” (The author would love to know if this was just a quirk of the English translation or not…) (Although even if it was, y’all are still seriously missing the opportunity for gratuitous Sniper Wolf femslash. Live a little!!!)

“Hey, hey,” Octopus said, snapping his fingers, “we’re not here to wank about canon, we’re here to help move this episode’s plot along.” He looked past Liquid to the other side of the cafeteria, where Solidus’ table was. “Looks like those two are arguing over there.”

“Which two?” Raven said.

“That new foreign exchange student and Liquid’s brothers’ friend.”

“The old foreign exchange student?” Liquid guessed, turning around. After all, not counting Ocelot because Solid liked Ocelot even less than Liquid did, Solid and Solidus only had one mutual friend.

“The new one is negging him,” Mantis said, and then the reader looked up negging on Urban Dictionary because no one who isn’t totally creepy actually uses that term.

“I take it it isn’t working,” Octopus said, then turned to Liquid. “Hey, let me use your phone for a minute.”

“Why?”

“Because my phone doesn’t have Bluetooth and I need it? Come on, hand it over.”

Liquid thought about it for half a second, then handed him his phone.

“Cute lockscreen,” Raven said, glancing at it.

“Er, thank you,” Liquid said, going slightly red, as Octopus started messing around with the phone.

And then the whole school, or at the very least the cafeteria, found out why unsecured Bluetooth speakers are a bad idea.

“ _WHAT IS THIS FEELING, SO SUDDEN, AND NEW_

“ _I FELT THE MOMENT, I LAID EYES ON YOU_

“ _MY PULSE IS RUSHING, MY HEAD IS REELING_

“ _MY FACE IS FLUSHING? WHAT IS THIS FEEEEELING_

“ _FERVENT AS A FLAAAAAAAAAME_

“ _DOES IT HAVE A NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME_

“ _YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE~ESSSSSSSSS_ ”

Sam and Raiden looked up in confusion, both unfamiliar with American musicals, while the rest of their table wondered if they were supposed to laugh or not.

“ _L O A T H I N G_

“ _UN-A-DUL-TERATED L O A T H I N G_ ”

“Oh, look,” Sam said, recovering before Raiden did, “they’re playing our song.”

“ _FOR YOUR FACE - YOUR VOICE - YOUR CLO-THING_

“ _LET’S JUST SAY — I LOATHE IT ALL_ ”

“Very funny,” Raiden said.

Fortune looked over her shoulder. “Is this just playing in the cafeteria?”

“I don’t know,” Solidus said, “aren’t there supposed to be teachers in here to supervise?”

“ _EEEVERY LITTLE TRAIT HOW-E-VER SMALL_

“ _MAKES MY VERY FLESH BE-GIN TO CRAWL_

“ _WITH SIMPLE UTTER L O A T H I N G_ ”

“Yes,” Fatman said, “Ocelot and Miller.”

“So, they’re probably off having hatesex in a storage closet somewhere,” Fatman said, rolling his eyes. Solidus looked mildly confused at the prospect of hatesex being a thing that apparently exists.

“If this keeps up, they won’t be the only ones,” Rose said under her breath, watching Sam and Raiden glare at each other, “hey, do you think they’ll let me watch?” she asked the others.

“I think all three of you are kind of young for that,” Fortune said, raising her eyebrows.

“ _THERE’S A STRANGE EX-HIL-A-RATION_

“ _IN SUCH TO-TAL DE-TEST-ATION_

“ _IT’S SO PUUUURE, SO—_ “

The music abruptly stopped. Back at Octopus’ table, Liquid was hurriedly shoving his phone back into his jacket after snatching it back from him.

“I think I’ve already gotten _enough_ detentions this year, thank you, Octopus,” he grumbled.

Octopus just did the ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ thing.

Back to Sam and Raiden. Sam started laughing, although Raiden continued glaring. He opened his mouth to make some #savage remark, but just then the bell rang and Rose grabbed his arm.

“Come on, Jack, we’ve got to get to class,” she said.

“What’s your next class?” Sam said, pulling out his schedule.

“Health,” Rose said brightly, “the one that doesn’t technically have a teacher right now.”

“Oh, what a coincidence,” Sam started, smirking _again_ , and Raiden groaned loudly.

_~UNFORTUNATELY I MISSED MY CHANCE TO SEE WICKED LIVE AT THE FOX THEATRE~_

Right after the last class let out, Solid took a deep breath, then knocked on The Sorrow’s office door. He was in.

“Oh, David,” The Sorrow said, “how very nice to see you. Do you need my help with something…?”

“…yeah,” Solid said, “I’m kind of in a weird situation and I need advice.”

“Come in,” The Sorrow said, gesturing into his office, and Solid sat down on the chair in front of his desk, and The Sorrow took his seat on the other side of it. Solid felt… super awkward.

“So, tell me what is on your mind,” The Sorrow said.

Solid’s jaw worked for a moment before starting trying to explain. “There’s… a friend of mine… who recently admitted to having a crush on me, but I… don’t swing that way, plus there’s someone else I like.”

The Sorrow gave him a look that kind of said _I didn’t get a degree in adolescent psychology to listen to insecure kids fret about their love lives_ , which is of course the default expression of any given school counselor. Also, who even know if The Sorrow actually had a degree or not. “Aren’t you dating Dr. Strangelove’s son?”

Solid resisted the urge to wince. “That’s the problem, actually.”

“Do explain.”

“Otacon and I aren’t… we’re not…” He tried to think of the best way to explain this away. “The person I like isn’t Otacon,” he said lamely.

“Hmmm. So, although you are dating Hal, you’re more interested in some other boy, and a girl recently expressed interest in you as well.”

Solid actually did wince this time.

The Sorrow leaned forward slightly, steepling his hands in front of him. “What is the issue here, David?” he said, “you are only in high school; you don’t need to commit to a romantic relationship, and in fact I would recommend against it. Try going on a few dates with the other boy you’re interested in instead of Hal, or in addition to Hal - after all, neither of you should be taking it too seriously. As for your friend who has a crush on you: just plainly tell her you aren’t interested. If she truly is your friend, she will accept this.”

“…” Okay, this was completely and totally wrong, and honestly he just felt worse.

The Sorrow seemed to pick up on that. “Tell me what is _really_ going on, David,” he said.

“Otacon and I are only pretending to date,” Solid mumbled, looking at the desk instead of The Sorrow. “It’s a long story. I’m way more interested in Meryl, and I’m actually completely straight - I don’t know why no one was surprised when I ‘came out of the closet’.” He frowned. “The friend who admitted to having a crush on me _is_ Otacon.”

“Ah,” said The Sorrow. “Well, now I see why you were wanting advice. Have you tried simply talking this out with Hal yet?”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“’I’m heterosexual’ is usually a good place to start.”

But for some reason that gave Solid pause. “I don’t want to let him down…”

“Why not?”

“I… don’t like to see him upset.”

The Sorrow gave him a very even look. “I sense uncertainty in your perception of yourself, David. Tell me: whose idea was the fake relationship?”

“…mine.”

“Why did you suggest it?”

“It seemed… like the best option.”

“I’m sure you don’t want to hear this,” The Sorrow said, “but I sincerely doubt it would have even occured to you if you weren’t, on some level, interested in a real relationship with him.”

Yeah, Solid definitely didn’t want to hear that.

“The best course of action is to do some serious self-examination,” The Sorrow said, “and then tell Hal plainly what you think of his confession.”

“But—“ Solid started, then cut himself off, then continued, kind of awkwardly: “I don’t know how long it’d take me to come up with a real answer. I don’t want to just leave him hanging - he probably feels terrible.”

“Then tell him you are uncertain.”

“But-“

“If he really is your friend, then he’ll accept that for now.”

Solid thought about it, frowning, then nodded. Yeah. The Sorrow was probably right. “Got it,” he said, standing up. “Thanks.”

“I am only doing my job. But please, sit back down.” He gave a smile that was _probably_ supposed to be reassuring but only came across as reeeeeeally creepy. “Why did you and Hal decide to pretend to date?”

_~DON’T LIE TO YOUR FRIENDS. FAMILY MEMBERS OK~_

Concurrent to this, Sam and Raiden ran into each other in the parking lot (Raiden on his way to buy a Gatorade for Big Boss from the gas station because the vending machine was out, Sam on his way to the bus) and ended up getting into a shouting match, which started because Sam commented on the fact that Raiden was absolutely being a jerk to him so as bad as he thought Sam was, he clearly wasn’t that great either, and then Raiden kept escalating it from banter to arguing to an all-out fight. They were about two inches away from blows (Raiden practically homicidal and Sam really just looking like he was having a blast) when The Fury caught them.

“What,” he said, flamethrower in hand, “are you two doing?”

“He started it,” Sam and Raiden said at the same time.

“They’ve been at it _all day_ ,” Rose complained from nearby.

“Hmmmm.” The Fury was _probably_ frowning severely behind that БЕИ helmet. “Perhaps some mediation would help them sort out their differences. You two, follow me.”

He took them to The Sorrow’s office, but there was a sign on the door that said ‘With student, come back later.’ This displeased The Fury.

“Well,” Sam said, “now what?”

“There is only one thing you _can_ do. Settle your differences…” The Fury said, then let out a short blast on his flamethrower. “…via _combat_.”

Fox happened to walking nearby, on the way back from fetching his athletic shoes from his locker. “Oh,” he said, “I have just the thing.”

He, Sam, Raiden, and The Fury all went back out to the parking lot, where Rose was sitting on a curb and waiting for them. “Did you work it out?” she said.

“They will,” Fox said, opening the trunk of his car and taking out two katanas.

“Fuck yes,” The Fury said. Sam took the red one and Raiden took the other one.

“I think this is a bad idea,” Rose said.

“Nahhhh,” Fox said.

Raiden and Sam both took their positions. The opening chords of [“The Only Thing I Know For Real”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TazywZDuj9I) began spontaneously playing.

“Ready?” said The Fury.

“Of course,” growled Raiden.

“I was _born_ ready,” crowed Sam.

“I still think this is a bad idea,” Rose said.

“Begin!” yelled The Fury.

“Let’s dance!!” Sam shouted, and he and Raiden both lunged at each other.

**_MEMORIES BROKEN_ **

**_THE TRUTH GOES UNSPOKEN_ **

**_I’VE EVEN FORGOTTEN MY NAME_ **

**_I DON’T KNOW THE SEASON_ **

**_OR WHAT IS THE REASON_ **

**_I’M STANDING HERE HOLDING MY BLADE_ **

Sparks flew as their swords crashed into one another. Raiden was fast, Sam was faster. But Sam liked to taunt him, which only made Raiden angry - and his blows stronger, hailing down on Sam like lightning.

**_A DESOLATE PLACE_ **

**_WITHOUT ANY TRACE_ **

**_IT’S ONLY THE COLD WIND I FEEL_ **

**_IT’S ME THAT I SPITE_ **

**_AS I STAND UP AND FIGHT_ **

**_THE ONLY THING I KNOW FOR REAL_ **

Sam fought dirty, knocking Raiden to the ground completely, but Raiden rolled out of the way before the sword came down on his eye, then kicked Sam’s legs out from under him. He was back on his feet before Sam even hit the ground, but Sam raised his blade and blocked Raiden’s blow without even getting off his back.

**_THERE WILL BE BLOODSHED_ **

**_THE MAN IN THE MIRROR NODS HIS HEAD_ **

**_THE ONLY ONE LEFT_ **

**_WILL RIDE UPON THE DRAGON’S BACK_ **

**_BECAUSE THE MOUNTAINS DON’T GIVE BACK WHAT THEY TAKE_ **

**_OH NO_ **

**_THERE WILL BE BLOODSHED_ **

**_IT’S THE ONLY THING I’VE EVER KNOWN_ **

“Um,” Rose said, “hey, Jaeger? Those aren’t real swords, are they?”

“What?” Fox said, “of course they are. What do you take me for?”

“…Mr. The Fury? Are they going until first blood, or…?”

“They’ve already gone past first blood,” The Fury said, “they’re going until one of them needs EMTs.”

**_LOSING MY IDENTITY_ **

**_WONDERING HAVE I GONE INSANE_ **

**_TO FIND THE TRUTH IN FRONT OF ME_ **

**_I MUST CLIMB THIS MOUNTAIN RANGE_ **

**_LOOKING DOWNWARD FROM THIS DEADLY HEIGHT_ **

**_AND NEVER REALISING WHY I FIGHT_ **

Raiden got in a pretty serious blow to Sam’s torso just as Campbell suddenly appeared and asked, “Just what the hell is going on here?!”

“Mediation,” said The Fury.

“We’re settling our differences like Americans,” Sam said, bleeding all over the place.

“Sam’s a dick,” Raiden said, who was also bleeding but not all over the place.

Campbell was _not_ amused.

_~TRIAL BY COMBAT IS THE ONLY LEGITIMATE WAY TO SETTLE GRIEVANCES~_

Solid avoided the gym on his way out, not wanting to come across any members of the football team. He still felt kind of bad for quitting, but… well… it’s not like he would have been able to concentrate on it, anyway. He pulled out his phone, looked again at Otacon’s message from last night - well, this morning, really — it had been all Otacon had said to him all day, because Solid had been avoiding him.

Avoiding problems, Solid realized on some level, was not the best way to solve them. But sometimes a direct confrontation only got you hurt. With that in mind, he typed a reply, took a deep breath…

…and hit send.

Now then.

Why the heck was there an ambulance in the parking lot?


	15. Problem Solved, Series Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This episode is so short I figured there was no harm in uploading it today even though I've already posted a new episode.

Solid hadn’t told The Sorrow about Otacon and Julie, although The Sorrow _did_ pointedly tell him that sometimes it was better to give up a friend’s secret for their own personal wellbeing. What ended up happening, though, is that they’d gotten off on a tangent about Ocelot of all people, which The Sorrow apparently found rather concerning.

He approached Big Boss about his concerns before his first class started.

“My son and your sons are rather close, aren’t they?” The Sorrow said.

Big Boss stared at him blankly. “I guess.”

“Does this not strike you as odd?”

“Why would it?”

“…the fact that Adamska is much, much closer to your age than theirs. Do you not think it’s strange for him to befriend them?”

Big Boss shrugged. “Adults make friends with kids all the time.”

“I realize this. But… somehow, I find it doubtful that Adamska’s relationship with your sons is anything like my wife’s relationship with you…”

The Sorrow gave up on trying to talk the situation out with Big Boss completely when he realized that Big Boss didn’t actually remember he had three sons, and only thought he had two, and really could get less of a damn about what happened to either of them, all things considered.

Which, actually, explained a lot.

He decided to talk to EVA instead. He drifted over to her classroom during her planning period, hoping that Solid’s description of Ocelot as being kind of creepy was just because the boy had never particularly liked him.

“Did something happen?” EVA said. “I know David was after school yesterday to talk to you.”

“Yes. There were a few things he mentioned that I feel the need to ask you about.”

“Is it about how hesitant he was to admit he’s bisexual? Because I honestly don’t know why that happened - he can’t be afraid that I’ll disapprove, because Eli’s pretty open about his sexuality and David can see that I don’t treat _him_ any differently.”

The Sorrow shook his head. “No, I believe his only struggle with acceptance is _self_ -acceptance, and the fact that he is subverting his own assumptions about himself. I actually need to ask about Adamska’s relationship with your family.”

EVA frowned slightly. “Well, as you know, Snake and I have known him for ages, and we kind of can’t get rid of him, so… I suppose he’s just a friend of the family, or maybe sort of like a weird uncle. He’s known our sons since they were born.”

“What do your sons think of him?”

“David doesn’t like him much nowadays, I don’t really know why — he can be so anti-social sometimes. Eli, I think, has mixed feelings about him; I’m pretty sure he decided he didn’t like Ocelot a long time ago but up until we moved here Ocelot was the only person outside the family he really got attention from.” Her frown deepened. “At least George likes him. I’ve been told that Ocelot offered to help him with his student body president campaign, even.”

“I see,” said The Sorrow.

“So what’s the problem?”

“Have you seen the ship tags on this fic?”

EVA pursed her lips, then checked on her laptop.

> Ocelot/Solid Snake, Liquid Snake/Ocelot, Ocelot/Solidus Snake,

She looked back up at The Sorrow. “Those… were just because of the ship bait jokes, right? They can’t be narratively relevant. How could it possibly progress from kidding around to something I should be worried about? My children should know better than that!”

The Sorrow sighed. “EVA,” he said, “do the words ‘child grooming’ mean anything to you?”

_~VINEGAR IS GOOD FOR GETTING STAINS OUT~_

Ocelot got an e-mail from EVA asking him to meet her in the parking lot right after the last bell, so he did. She was already sitting on her motorcycle when he got there, so he figured she was just leaving early and needed to talk to him real quick before she went.

“Did you need something, EVA?” he said mildly.

“Yeah, Ocelot,” EVA said, “you have thirty seconds to convince me that you’re not some kind of pedophile.”

Ocelot opened his mouth, then closed it. “Well,” he said, “your sons are all adolescent, so it wouldn’t be pedophilia, it’d be ephebophilia, or hebephilia in Solidus’ case—“

EVA revved her motorcycle.

“Actually,” Ocelot said, turning away quickly, “I think I’ll just go.”

EVA did the only reasonable thing when a grown-ass man basically just confirmed he wants to feel up your underaged kids, and _possibly_ has already touched at least one of them at least once: she hit the gas with her front wheel pointed directly at Ocelot.

“Not my sons, you bitch!!” she shouted à la Molly Weasley.

Ocelot tried to flee but only got about two steps before EVA just fucking _ran him down_.

“EVA!” Campbell said sternly, suddenly showing up in the parking lot, “you can’t do that! The future will be changed! You’ll create a time paradox!!”

“I know,” EVA said, “but it sure was satisfying.”

Campbell stared down at Ocelot’s corpse, frowning, then looked up at EVA and shrugged. “I’m sure he’ll be inexplicably alive again by the next episode.”

“Stupid plot armor…”


	16. Politics Have No Place in Fanfiction

“Alright,” Solidus said, “the student body election is coming up on Friday. We need to step up our campaign.”

“’Our’ campaign?” said Sam, who had been assimilated into Raiden’s friend group, much to Raiden’s displeasure. (Although he supposed if his ‘friend group’ already included one guy he hated, it might as well include two.)

“We’re Solidus’ campaign team,” Rose said.

“We’re also unpaid,” Fatman said, tinkering with his clockbomb. “So that’s why all we’ve done so far is just put up a couple posters.”

“Of course you aren’t being paid,” Solidus said, “my campaign budget is spare change I found in the couch cushions.”

“How much did that come up to, anyway?” Fortune said.

“$4.86, plus twenty euro-cents and a 100 yen coin.”

“Ah, good. You can pay Vamp back for those color copies he made for you.”

“I see,” said Sam, “well, it seems your campaign is off to a wonderful start.”

Raiden stood up. “Not if I can help it,” he said. “I’m crashing this campaign. You’re going down, Sears.”

“I am very disappointed in you, Jack,” Solidus said, crossing his arms.

Raiden frowned. “Freshman can’t actually be elected student body president, right?”

“Solidus is a freshman?” Sam said. “I thought he was a senior.”

“Everyone thinks that,” Rose said.

“Aren’t you in some of his classes?” Fatman said.

“ _Anyway_ ,” Raiden said, “since Sears isn’t actually a senior, this whole campaign is a sham!”

Solidus shrugged imperiously. “Illegitimate or not, as long as I get enough votes, I sincerely doubt The Boss will override my victory.”

“Then I’ll just make sure no one votes for you!” Raiden said, “I’ll let the whole school know you’re _really_ just a freshman!! Come on, Rose!” He stormed off. Rose shrugged apologetically and followed him.

“Does it really matter that much?” Sam said.

_~DEMOCRACY IS MOB RULE, A FAILED IDEAL~_

Raiden caught up with Solid in the hallway. “Hey, Snake,” he said, “you’re friends with the girl who runs the school newspaper, right?”

“Holly?” Snake said, “yeah.”

“Can you introduce us?”

Solid blinked, then raised an eyebrow at him, glancing at Rose.

“Oh, no,” Rose said, waving a hand, “Jack knows I’d have his balls if he even thinks about cheating on me with another girl. We’re looking to run a smear piece in the school newspaper.”

“A smear piece?”

“I want the whole school to know that your brother is really just a freshman,” Raiden said, “there’s no way I’m going to let him become student body president!”

“Does anyone, um, actually care about who’s student body president?” Solid said, “can they even _do_ anything?”

“Well, I know they have authority over clubs and stuff,” Rose said, “so Solidus’ position is that he’ll make it easier to found clubs, meaning that there’ll be more ‘weird’ clubs around instead of just the animé club and the X-Files fan club.”

“Is there actually anyone running against him?” Solid said, “if he’s the only one running, then I’m pretty sure he’ll get all the votes no matter what you do.”

“There’s another guy,” Rose said, “he hasn’t done much so far, though. Maybe it really is hopeless, Jack.”

“It’s not over ’til it’s over,” Raiden said, “come on, Snake, I need to talk to Holly.”

“Okay,” Solid said dubiously.

So, immediately after school, Raiden caught up with Solid again, and Solid introduced him to Holly.

“So, Jack,” Holly said, putting her hands on her hips, “I hear you’ve got, like, a story for me…”

_~GROW YOUR OWN TOMATOES YA FREELOADERS~_

Raiden popped over to Solid’s lunch table real quick the next day to ask Holly, “Hey, what gives? What happened to the article about Sears?”

“Um, I wrote and published it?” Holly said. “It’s not like it was very hard, I just needed to point out that he’s, ya know, a freshman. It was totally headline material, too!”

“Then how come it isn’t in today’s paper?” Raiden said, holding up this morning’s edition of the school newspaper.

“Huh?”

Gustava took the paper from Raiden and scanned her eyes over the front page. “Huh indeed,” she said, handing it to Holly, “look at that.”

Holly stared at the paper in surprise. “Hey, where’s my article?” She flipped through it, although it was really only like three pages long. “My article’s gone!”

“Was it actually in the paper when started printing copies?” Mei Ling asked.

“I’m totally sure it was! But I didn’t see the actual printing itself, the teacher handles that. Ugh… my headlining article must have, like, accidentally deleted itself when I sent the final copy over. Maybe the school’s computer system is acting up again…”

“GW does do that,” Fox said.

“You should probably mention it to the IT guy, Mr. Anderson,” Meryl said.

“Is it really just a computer error?” Raiden said, “I mean, this is just way too much of a coincidence, right? The election is _tomorrow_ and all of a sudden something stops us from exposing Sears as a freshman…”

“Yeah, that’s a bit too neat, isn’t it?” Otacon said thoughtfully.

“Holly, who’s the teacher associated with the student newspaper, anyway?” Solid asked.

“Um, the debate/speech/journalism teacher,” Holly said, “Mr. Ocelot.”

There was a brief pause.

“So _that’s_ what subject he teaches!” Raiden exclaimed.

“…didn’t he die last episode?” Meryl said.

_~HE GOT BETTER... OBVIOUSLY~_

After lunch there was, instead of class, a student assembly for the purpose of introducing said students to their presidential candidates. As Solid observed earlier, no one actually _cared_ about the student body elections, though, so mostly it was just a bunch of bored teenagers in an auditorium with nothing to do except be glad they weren’t in class right now.

Before the scene could descend into absolute chaos, the ambient lights shut off and the spotlights focused on the podium. The scene settled down to restrained chaos as Paz walked out on the stage.

“I know you’re all very eager to hear the student body presidential candidates pitch their candidacies,” she said, a little more than slightly sarcastic, “well, only two students actually cared enough to run. First up is George Sears — no heckling, please, or The Boss will have to have a talk with you.”

Raiden just booed quietly instead.

“Oh, behave,” Rose said, next to Raiden.

Solidus got up and gave his little speech about how important it was for students to be able to run their own clubs and etc. etc. etc.; Americans in the audience may or may not have had that one weird borderline-ancap Libertarian kid at your high school, you know, the one with the George Washington fetish? That’s Solidus. I’m not even kidding, Solidus is one of those people who share ‘taxation is theft’ memes on tumblr.

He’s _absolutely_ one of those people.

Eventually he ran out of time to talk about how the rules and regulations governing the formation of school clubs was infringing on the students’ liberty and if elected, he would ensure that any student could found any club they liked as long as they could find a teacher to sponsor it (which in Raiden’s opinion sounded like a disaster waiting to happen), so he stepped down and Paz, who was clearly still rolling her eyes at Solidus’ platform, introduced his opponent: Steven Armstrong.

“Oh, _that_ guy,” Sam said, on Raiden’s other side.

“What, you know him?” Rose said, leaning forward and looking towards him.

“We’ve met. He’s a babaca.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Rose said. Raiden was thinking it probably translated to ‘douchebag’ or something, which was rich coming from Sam.

“As student body president,” Armstrong said, “I will reform the way this school does sports. For instance, the so-called,” he did air quotes with his fingers, “’football’ team. I don’t know what it is they’re playing, but it sure as hell isn’t football. With me in charge, we’ll play a _real_ game sometime, and then we’ll _really_ make Kojima High great again!”

_~TO BE HONEST, I WAS TOTALLY SOLIDUS IN HIGH SCHOOL~_

“Reform the football team?!” Raiden exclaimed in the hallway after the assembly, “who does he think he is?!”

“Possibly the next student body president?” Fatman said, clearly disinterested in the whole election.

“Jack, there’s a pretty good chance that the football coach won’t even listen to him,” Fortune pointed out.

“Not if the principal intervenes,” Sam said, “which maybe she will, if the student body president is supposed to have that sort of power…”

“We can’t let this happen!” Raiden said.

Fortune raised her eyebrows. “It’s either him or Solidus, you realize that, right?”

Raiden frowned for a few moments, then sighed. “I think I just realized something,” he said, “in a two-party system, sometimes you have to support the candidate you don’t like so that the candidate you _really_ don’t like won’t be elected. Sometimes, you just have to compromise…”

“This is starting to sound suspiciously pointed,” Fatman said.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Rose said, “the author was a third-party voter in the last election, and is _still_ sanctimonious about that decision.”

“So, does this mean you are going to vote for Solidus?” Sam said.

“Vote?” Raiden said, “there’s no way I’m leaving this up to _democracy_ , come on. I’m kicking Armstrong out of the race if it’s the last thing I do.”

“How?” Fortune said, “I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything you can expose him over.”

“Eh, there _probably_ is,” Rose said, “but it’d be really hard to find before tomorrow, Jack.”

“I know,” Raiden said. “But, wouldn’t he be forced to drop out of the race if, say, he got into a fight on school property?”

“I like the way you think, Jack,” Sam smirked.

After school, when Raiden went to football practice, he went with a very specific goal in mind: to ask Fox if he could borrow his sword again.

“Sure,” he said without even hesitating.

“Really?” Raiden said, surprised.

“Why not?” Fox said, surprised at his surprise. Then he blinked. “Oh yeah. Didn’t you and Sam kind of grievously injure yourselves the other day?”

“Um, a little bit,” Raiden said. “Does it matter?”

“I guess not.” He dug in his pockets, then tossed Raiden his car keys. “Swords are in the trunk. If I find a single other thing out of place when I head home, I’m siccing Liquid on you.”

“…uh,” Raiden said, keys in hand, “how would you sic-“

“Blackmail,” Liquid grumbled from behind Fox.

Raiden decided not to ask and headed out to the parking lot, where he found Sam hanging around next to Fox’s car. Rose was with him, but not like _with_ him with him, otherwise Raiden would turn his sword on Sam. Again.

“Quick question before I do this,” Raiden said, popping the trunk and taking out the HF blade, “are nanomachines still a thing in this AU?”

“Didn’t you see Armstrong’s campaign posters?” Rose said.

“…shit,” Raiden said.

“You’ll be fine,” Sam said, “you’re like a cockroach.”

“I don’t think you should do this, Jack,” Rose said, “you’re already in enough trouble as it is for fighting with Sam the other day.”

“Actually, we both got off scot-free,” Raiden said.

“Because you both ended up in the emergency room…”

“I thought it was because one of the teachers encouraged us,” Sam said.

“ _Anyway!!_ ” Raiden said, “it’s not like I need to defeat him. I just need him to take the bait. If he gets caught fighting at school, there’s no way he’d be allowed to be president even if he won the vote - which means the football team stays the way it is.”

“You might get suspended!” Rose said.

Raiden held his sword out in front of him, all cool-like. “That’s a risk I’m willing to take,” he said determinedly, “I want to join the football team next year, but there’ll be no point if Kojima High starts doing it just like everyone else.”

“You probably wouldn’t _make it_ onto the team if this school did football like everyone else,” Sam said. He shrugged pompously. “Oh well. I don’t like you _or_ Armstrong, so I’ll support you. Maybe you’ll both get suspended. Or die.”

“Uh… thanks?”

Rose elbowed Sam. “Before you came here, he was saying he’d fight Armstrong with you if you hadn’t injured him so badly the other day,” she said.

“Rosemary, you weren’t supposed to tell him that!”

“I’m… touched,” Raiden said. “Thanks, Sam. But I still hate you.”

“And the feeling’s still mutual, Jack. You’d better get up to the roof.” He tapped his wrist, like he was indicating a watch, although teenagers don’t wear watches nowadays. “I issued the challenge to Armstrong for you, and he’ll be waiting.”

“Hey, Snake?” Otacon said, looking up.

“Hm?”

“You know that part in Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, when Keiichi and Rena fight on the school’s roof?”

Solid stared at him. “What?”

Otacon pointed towards the very top of the school building. Solid looked up, shadowing his eyes in the sunlight.

“…is that Raiden? And that guy who was running against Solidus for student body president?”

The opening notes of [“It Has to Be This Way”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucyYfzbrYkQ) were playing.

“Didn’t we _already_ do this bit?” Otacon said.

“Yup,” Solid said, lighting a cigarette.

“I’m going to go get a teacher.”

“Yeah, you probably should.”

There was a loud _clunk_ sound and the HF blade went flying off the roof, embedding itself into a parking island and quivering there for a few seconds. And then there was a lot of panicked screaming that definitely sounded more like Quinton Flynn than Alastair Duncan.

Yeah, this was definitely going well.

Then there was a creaking slam, like someone had forcefully opened the door to the roof, and even from down here Solid could hear The Boss’ voice carrying all throughout the campus: “Just _what_ is going on here?”

_~DEMOCRACY SUCKS BUT IT’S BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE WE’VE TRIED~_

“Afternoon detention for two weeks,” Raiden grumbled on Friday morning, still slightly banged up from his altercation with Armstrong.

“I can’t _believe_ this.”

“At least you didn’t get suspended,” Rose said, patting his arm.

“And at least Armstrong also got detention,” Sam said.

“Wait,” said Olga (who had been filled in on previous happenings by Fortune), “doesn’t this mean that Solidus is student body president by default?”

“Yes,” said Solidus.

“Huh.”

“Well, it seems you’ve achieved your goal, Jack,” Fatman said.

“His goal?” Solidus said, “your _intention_ was to force Armstrong out of the race?”

“Ummm… yes,” Raiden said.

Solidus looked genuinely touched. “You did this for me?”

“Don’t get any ideas, Sears.”

“I am so proud of you.”

“Fuck off, Sears.”

“All things considered,” Fortune said, “with Ocelot already on Solidus’ side to begin with, I’m pretty sure he would have ended up netting 120% of the votes anyway.”

She was wrong.

It was only 115%.

“Can you not count any higher than twelve, Ocelot?”

“Actually, Miller, I was just trying to account for the margin of error.”

“God, you suck at statistics — that’s not how margin of error works. And get off my desk.”

“Make me. ♥︎”


	17. Twice the Snakes for Twice the Fun

Last Tuesday, when Solid had sent Otacon that text about going on a date — “date” — he had immediately felt a weird sense of nervous regret that only intensified when Otacon responded, “omg :) um wherever you want to go!!” Of course, Solid had only asked him out so they could reinforce the illusion that they were dating, and he really thought they should ‘break up’ soon… and he _did_ tell Otacon as much during the schoolweek, or at least he tried to. Solid wasn’t great at communicating and Otacon wasn’t great at parsing social situations, so between the two of them there was a lot lost in translation.

Clearly Solid would just have to set the record straight during the date itself. Emphasis on “straight”.

But he found the thought of that kind of off-putting (he still _really_ didn’t want to upset Otacon), so he’d put the date off until the weekend. And then disaster struck, and Saturday rolled around.

And then disaster struck again, in the form of Solid’s mother, and twin brother.

“You only have _one car_ ,” EVA said, “since your father and I are taking _his_ car to take Solidus out to dinner to celebrate his student body presidential election victory. Only _one_ of you can use _my_ car!"

“Then let me use it!” Liquid said - by a fairly unsurprising coincidence since it was kind of a regular thing, he had a date with Mantis already planned. (Semi-planned. Here they were on Saturday morning and he hadn’t actually decided what they would do yet. Solid was in the same boat with Otacon.)

“Liquid always gets to use the car,” Solid said.

“Then maybe you should have seen this coming and scheduled around it, brother.”

“You go on dates with your stupid boyfriend every weekend, you could let me go on _one_ with mine.”

“Hey! Don’t call him-“

“ _Both of you_ ,” EVA said, raising her hands. “It wouldn’t kill you to get along for five minutes.”

Solid glanced at Liquid, with a very unimpressed expression. He was pretty sure that it actually _would_ kill Liquid to be marginally pleasant for longer than two and a half minutes. Like, he would literally just keel over, dead. ~~Insert FOXDIE joke here.~~

Liquid glared back.

EVA sighed. “This wouldn’t be a problem if either of you could be trusted with the motorcycle… fine, I think I have the perfect solution to both your problems, anyway.”

“Not getting along and not being able to drive the motorcycle?” Solid said.

“No, not getting along, and only have one car to use to pick up your dates.” She put her hands on her hips. “You two ought to go on a double date.”

There was a long pause. Solid and Liquid both glanced at each other.

“This is a terrible idea,” Liquid whined.

“I, um,” Solid said, “kind of wanted to ta- to be with Otacon alone.”

EVA rolled her eyes. “And there’s the third problem this will solve, David - with Eli and Mantis around, you and Otacon will have no choice but to keep your hands to yourselves.”

Solid flushed. Sometimes he forgot that it wasn’t _just_ a fake relationship — everyone around him was convinced that he and Otacon had actually, y’know, _did it_.

Except, apparently, Liquid, who was giving Solid a suspicious look. Probably had something to do with the whole psychic boyfriend thing… Solid and Otacon _really_ needed to get this entire situation resolved before Mantis decided to talk, and resolve it for them.

Although… that might be the neatest way of solving everything…

“Fine, whatever,” Solid said.

“What!” Liquid said, “no! I refuse.”

“Then you can stay home,” EVA said.

Liquid pouted for a few moments, then let out a half-sigh, half-growl, half-mini-scream of frustration.

“A double date is fine…”

EVA didn’t bother concealing her sigh of relief. “Excellent.”

_~SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO~_

Otacon had been given a heads-up about the whole double date thing that morning, but nonetheless when Solid came to pick him up that evening he was discomfited to see Liquid grouchily driving the car. Didn’t he not have a license? Then again, neither did Solid, and Otacon was pretty okay with _him_ picking him up…

 _I really need to take the driving test soon,_ Otacon thought.

“Okay, my, um, I mean, Snake’s here,” Otacon said, one foot out the door. “Bye, Mom. I’ll be back around nine… ten… ish?”

“Have fun,” Strangelove said, “don’t let that Solid Snake boy do anything inappropriate… again.”

Otacon went slightly pink and then out to the car, sitting in the back seat next to Solid.

“Hi,” he said timidly.

Solid gave him an awkward half-smile and Liquid just grunted.

“So… that carnival that popped up at the fairgrounds, right?” Otacon said. “Sounds fun.”

“Mom suggested it,” Solid said.

“Oh.” Of course she did.

They drove over to wherever the heck Mantis lived, with Liquid pointedly playing the radio too loudly for Otacon to continue attempting to have a conversation with either of them. Liquid parked the car and left to go collect the boyfriend, and Solid shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“So,” he said, “earlier this week, I had to go talk to The Sorrow… about the whole ‘fake boyfriends’ thing…”

Otacon went pale. “Oh god, Snake, you didn’t tell him _why_ -“

“No, no,” Snake said quickly, “no, I managed to change the subject. But I think he suspects something is going on. I’m- I’m sorry, Otacon.”

“Why did you even go to talk to him in the first place…??”

“I was just… confused, alright?” Solid turned his head deliberately, watching Liquid greet Mantis on his doorstep, and give him a kiss on the cheek before taking his hand and starting to walk back to the car. Geez, they were so… _domestic_. “I didn’t know how to react to you… well…”

Otacon looked at his lap. “So this whole date… it’s just so that we don’t ‘break up’ too soon for the pretend relationship to look suspicious…”

Solid frowned. “Otacon, I… I really…”

“No, Snake, it’s-“ Otacon kept staring at his lap. “It’s fine. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“Otacon—“

The passenger side door opened and Mantis sat down, sparing a dismissive glance behind him but otherwise not greeting them. Liquid returned to the driver’s seat a moment later, in a visibly better mood than he had been before.

“So,” he said, “the fairgrounds.”

“Let’s go,” Solid said determinedly.

_~DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE CARNIES, BOYS~_

The carnival that had popped up at the local fairgrounds was, as pop-up carnivals tend to be, a chaotic swirl of color, noise, fried food, and flagrant safety violations. For the sake of not getting shanked by a carnie, the boys all decided to more or less stick together.

“I _told_ you I should have brought my knife,” Liquid snapped to Solid.

“Oh, for the last- who brings _weapons_ on a _date?_ ” Solid said.

“I wouldn’t have minded,” Mantis said, “of course, I could also render Eli’s knife completely irrelevant if we happened to be in a situation where we needed it…”

“Honestly, Mantis, you wouldn’t have to. I can handle myself; you’ll never have to lift a finger while I’m around… metaphorically, I mean.”

“And leave you to your own devices? Eli, please.”

“I’m just saying, you don’t _have_ to take care of me.”

“Oh, but I like to.”

“Are they always like this?” Otacon said in an undertone to Solid.

“Pretty much.”

“Are- are most couples like that, or are they just… really that natural together?”

Solid didn’t really think ‘natural’ was a good word for either of them. “I have no idea.”

“Do not talk about us behind our backs when we are standing right in front of you,” Mantis said.

“It… wouldn’t be ‘behind your back’ in that case, then, would it?” Solid said.

“Um,” Otacon said, a little loudly, “where should we go first? There’s, er… roller coasters… a ferris wheel… a - whatever that is…”

“A centrifuge?”

“I want to go on the centrifuge,” Solid said.

“Looks like fun,” Liquid agreed.

“Hard pass,” Mantis said.

“Well,” Otacon said, looking around, “it looks a little less nauseating than _that_ ride.”

“And _that_ one.”

“Has anyone ever died at this carnival before?” Solid wondered aloud. “Somehow, I don’t think any of these rides are very safe, considering they’re supposed to be temporary…”

“You’re probably right,” Otacon said, eyeing that last one suspiciously.

“Well, _I_ didn’t bother to Google it,” Liquid said, “and besides, it really isn’t fun if there _isn’t_ a nonzero chance of getting maimed or dying.”

“Eli, we talked about this,” Mantis said.

“All you said was that I had to survive until graduation.”

“No, I said that surviving until graduation would be a _start_.”

Otacon grabbed Solid’s hand. “How about we just start with the ferris wheel?” he said.

Solid glanced over his shoulder. The ferris wheel was on the other end of the park. “The roller coaster’s on the way. Might as well do that, and _then_ the ferris wheel.”

“Sounds good to me,” Otacon said, already pulling Solid in that direction. Liquid and Mantis glanced at each other, and Mantis shrugged. They followed.

However, they got sidetracked on the way to the rollercoaster by one of those fair games, you know the ones. This one in particular is the kind where they give you a water gun and expect you to continually hit a tiny target a couple yards away. It was being run by a sketchy-looking guy with a big scar on his face.

What? Ghost Babel was a good game, even if it _was_ totally non-canon…

Liquid, ever eager to prove himself, immediately walked over with barely a “Hold on just a minute, I want to do this,” and Solid decided to try it too.

“Alright, whatever,” Weasel (the guy running the game) said, “just keep hitting that target with water and if you score high enough, you can win one of these fa-a-abulous prizes.” He spread his arms to indicate the stuffed animals and other assorted junk around him, his expression and tone of voice never changing from vaguely sarcastic boredom. “Anyway, just press on the trigger when it beeps.” He hit a button.

Beep!

As we all know, carnival games are rigged. Every single one of them. The way that this one in particular is rigged is that the water pressure on the squirt gun is _highly_ inconsistent, meaning that even if you were hitting the target .05 seconds ago and haven’t moved a muscle, you still might suddenly find yourself shooting water at a mark a good six inches below what would actually give you points.

Of course, if you’re _good enough_ , if you’re super adept at picking up on the subtle changes in weight and sound that indicate a change in water pressure even before said water exits the nozzle, and if you can readjust your aim so that when the pressure drops you’ve already compensated for it without even missing a drop… it’s totally possible to win this game and get a fa-a-abulous prize.

Solid and Liquid were both really good at this sort of thing. It was, hahahaha, just in their genes.

Their respective boyfriends hung out behind them, watching in relative silence.

“Wow,” Otacon said.

“Mm,” Mantis said.

“This is, like, the most useless skill ever,” Otacon said.

“I agree,” Mantis said.

The game machine thing beeped again, and Weasel looked mildly impressed. “You both got almost perfect scores.”

“ _Almost_ perfect?” Liquid said.

“What on earth do you have to do in order to get a perfect score?” Solid asked, his brow furrowing.

Weasel shrugged. “You must have not been hitting the target for a few milliseconds here and there. Look, do you want your prizes or not?”

Liquid blinked, then turned around. “Mantis, do you want to pick something out?” he said, because he was pretty sure this was what boyfriends usually did at fairs, they won prizes for their dates. Mantis shrugged.

“Otacon, do you want something?” Solid said, because he wasn’t remotely interested in anything Weasel was peddling but figured Otacon might be.

“Oh, um,” Otacon said, feeling a little bashful anyway, “how about that stuffed snake?”

“That’s cute,” Mantis said, then turned to Weasel, “I’ll take one too, but I want the lighter-colored one.”

Weasel wasn’t getting paid enough to really comment on that whole exchange, so he just tossed Otacon and Mantis the prizes. “Anyway, nevermind that,” Liquid said, “which one of us got the higher score?”

“You both managed to get the exact same score, kid,” Weasel said. “Honestly, that’s the first time I’ve ever seen that happen, too.”

“Maybe the machine bugged?” Otacon said.

“Well, in that case,” Liquid said, picking the water pistol back up, “Snake, I demand a rematch.”

“You’re on,” Snake said.

Beep!

And Liquid forewent the target and just squirted Solid in the face.

“Hey, you really shouldn’t be fighting with your brother like- ahhh, fuck it,” Weasel said, lighting a ( _probably_ tobacco) cig as Solid ~~fired~~ ~~'water'ed~~ fired back. Again, he really wasn’t getting paid enough to deal with this crap.

Mantis had his face in his hands. “I was _hoping_ he would decide against that.”

“Why are they like this?” Otacon said.

“Because Eli has an insatiable need to show off and Snake does not know how to back down from a challenge.” He sighed. “Emmerich, I realize you and Snake are not _actually_ dating, but I would appreciate it if you could keep him in check as long as we’re on this stupid double date.”

“Hey, Liquid started it,” Otacon said, pushing his glasses up his nose nervously.

“I did not say I would not keep him on a leash as well.”

The machine beeped again, and the water stopped. Both Solid and Liquid were soaking wet. Liquid shook his head, splashing water everywhere, which annoyed Mantis enough that he just psychically removed the water from Liquid’s hair and clothing. Otacon just kind of stood awkwardly, trying not to stare at the way Solid’s wet t-shirt clung to his muscular torso.

“Amazing,” Weasel said, “zero points.”

“At least it’s warm out tonight, right Snake?” Otacon said. Solid grumbled, stepping away from the carnie scam game and lighting up a cigarette. “Snake, you shouldn’t… er… nevermind, go ahead.”

Liquid got distracted again. “Wait a minute, that’s not Father over there, is it?” he said, squinting at a couple in the crowd, headed this way. “Who’s that with him?”

“Isn’t he supposed to be at dinner with Mom and Solidus?” Solid said. (Obviously when Big Boss had agreed to go the only word he’d heard was “dinner”.)

“That is the librarian, Quiet,” Mantis said without turning around.

“Oh. Then it must be-“ Liquid cupped his hands around his mouth, “Hey! Big Boss!!”

“What is he doing?” Otacon said, as Liquid continued to make a spectacle of himself, waving his arms and trying to get Venom’s attention.

“Challenging him,” Mantis said as Venom and Quiet wandered over and Liquid did exactly that. Venom shrugged.

“Of course he is,” Solid said as Venom, Quiet, and Liquid all took their positions with the squirt guns.

Otacon frowned as Weasel pressed the button and the machine beeped. “Mantis, I thought you _just said_ you were going to make sure Liquid behaved himself.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with this,” Mantis said dismissively. “Let him have his fun, and then we will move on.”

In the end, Venom beat out Liquid slightly, and Quiet got a perfect score, which prompted Weasel to reconsider his life as a carnie.

_~WERE V AND QUIET ACTUALLY ON A DATE, OR JUST HERE AS FRIENDS? WHO KNOWS~_

The carriages of the ferris wheel only seated two people each, so the boys finally had their opportunity to split off into their respective couples, with the added bonus of some marginal privacy for as long as the ride lasted.

The carriage reached its peak, high above the ground, and Liquid stood up out of his seat, almost pressing his face against the glass.

“Wow,” he said, “you can see the whole town.”

“I know,” Mantis said.

“Look, there’s the high school. And there’s my house, and there’s where you live… It all seems so small from up here.”

“Does it?” Mantis said, tilting his head. Liquid sat back down. “I was just thinking it seems awfully big.”

“Big?”

“From this height, you can see so far… it almost seems like you can see the whole world.”

Liquid cracked a smile, leaning his head on Mantis’ shoulder. “Oh, this two-bit town is hardly the whole world. I would love to see it, you know. The world.”

“I know, Eli.”

“And I’m going to.”

“I know.”

There was a slight, but comfortable, pause. “Mantis, I know it’s… sort of silly to even wonder about this sort of thing, at our age,” Liquid started, “but… well, after we graduate, when I head off to make this world my own - I was just thinking…”

“…if I wouldn’t forget you?” Mantis said.

“I suppose what I’m really asking is if you’ll wait for me,” Liquid said, his expression softening a little. “Mother once told me that as long as you don’t forget someone, you’re bound to meet again.”

“So you want me to wait for you,” Mantis said.

“Yes, I’d… I’d like that.”

Mantis gave a short little laugh. “I would rather not sit around waiting for you to come back to me.” He paused long enough for Liquid to get crestfallen at that response, then he nuzzled him. “Truthfully, I’d rather go with you.”

“W-Would you really?”

“Of course. Show me the world, Eli.”

Meanwhile, a carriage behind them, a significantly less fluffy conversation was taking place.

“Look, Otacon - word’s going to get out eventually.”

“I know, but-“ Otacon cut himself off, tucking his arms close to himself and frowning at the floor. “I mean, if Mantis decided not to tell anyone then he decided not to tell anyone. Ugh… how was I supposed to know there was a psychic student at our school…”

“Neither of us really know the guy,” Solid pointed out, “maybe he didn’t decide _not_ to tell and just decided to _wait_ on telling. Plus, we don’t know if he _hasn’t_ told anyone.”

“Well, word hasn’t gotten out yet. I’m pretty sure I’d know if it did.”

“But it can. It _will_.”

“So what am _I_ supposed to do about it?!” Otacon snapped, then immediately drew back, pale. Solid sighed. Honestly, why was Otacon’s anger always immediately followed by fear? Was he scared Solid would get angry back?

To be honest, he was kind of starting to. Or starting to get frustrated, anyway. “Cut your stepmother out of your life.”

“I-I can’t do that.”

“Come on. I know your mom only has custody on weekends but you’re old enough that you can ignore the custody ruling, right?” Solid said, “just move in with your mom.”

“No, really, Snake, I can’t do that.”

Solid’s frown deepened. “Why not? It’s not like you’ll see Julie at school or anything. Are you afraid to face your dad?”

Otacon cringed. “To be honest, I don’t think he’d notice if I just stopped coming home one day, but… well, you’ve met E.E., haven’t you?”

“E.E.? Your stepsister?”

“I can’t leave her.”

Solid rolled his eyes. “Just because you wouldn’t live with her any more doesn’t mean you’d be leaving her. You can just hang out with her the same way you do with any of your other friends.”

“She’s more than a friend,” Otacon said, starting to get visibly upset again, “she’s my _sister_ , Snake.”

“And her mother is abusing you!”

“Don’t say that!! That’s not what’s happening!!”

There was an angry snarl of a silence for a few moments.

“She’s twice your age and married to your father,” Solid said stiffly, “Otacon, the whole situation is fucked up. If Emma knew what was going on—“

“She’d never forgive me.”

“Then just leave with no explanation.”

“Are you even _listening_ to yourself, Snake?”

Solid grabbed Otacon’s shoulders. “Otacon, come _on_ ,” he said, “this isn’t about Emma, and it isn’t about your dad. This is about _you_. This is about the fact that you need to get _away_ from that crazy woman!”

“I can’t,” Otacon said, not looking Solid in the eyes. “I can’t, Snake. It’s impossible.”

“Otacon-“

“No, I’m serious. It’s impossible. As long as we live in the same town, no, the same county…”

Solid blinked. “She- she’d stalk you, you mean?”

“No. I mean… I don’t think I’d be able to stay away from her.”

Another pause, and Solid dropped his hands from Otacon’s shoulders.

“This isn’t… normal,” he said.

“Yeah, I… kind of figured that out a long time ago.”

“It’s fucked up.”

“You said that.”

“Someone needs to know what’s going on.”

Otacon kept staring at the floor. “You promised you wouldn’t tell.”

“…I know. I did. That’s why I haven’t told anyone. That’s why I’m trying to convince _you_ to tell someone. Or do _something_ about it, Otacon, this can’t keep happening.”

“Look, it’s- i-it’s really none of your business, alright, Snake?”

“None of-?!”

Otacon turned his head to look out of the carriage instead. The ride was almost over. “You want to break up after this date, right? I know it’s Meryl you like, not me.”

“Otacon—!“

“I think you two would make a cute couple.”

The carriage stopped, and Otacon quickly stepped out. Solid followed after a pointed look from the girl manning the ferris wheel console.

“I should probably be getting home soon,” Otacon said, checking the time on his phone and acting like nothing had happened on the ferris wheel, “I told Mom I’d be back around nine.”

“There is not much else to do here, anyway,” Mantis said. (He was holding hands with Liquid once again.)

On the way home, after Otacon and Mantis (and stuffed snakes) had been dropped off at their respective residences - Otacon with just a silent nod from Solid, and Mantis with a kiss on the cheek and a “I’ll text you when I get home, see you on Monday ♥︎” from Liquid - Liquid asked his twin brother what was eating him.

“Is it that obvious?” Solid said, raising his eyebrows at him.

“Honestly, I thought I was going to suffocate in the awkwardness between you and Emmerich just now,” Liquid said, taking his eyes off the road to glance at Solid in the rear-view mirror for half a moment.

“…”

“Have you two decided to call off your little cover-up plan yet?”

“How much did Mantis tell you?”

Liquid frowned. “Not much. He said you were covering for _something_ disgusting that either you or Emmerich did. He also told me you were a virgin…”

Solid went slightly red. “That’s all he told you?”

“What did you _do?_ ”

“Liquid, what the hell makes you think I’m going to tell you?”

Liquid just shrugged and turned up the volume on the radio. Solid stared moodily out the window, watching the moon and feeling colder than the residual dampness of his clothing really accounted for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I was having a conversation with my mom about fanfiction (my mom's the one who got me into fanfiction, you know, when I was a little kid, and slash shipping is in my genes) and I told her about this chapter. She was pleased to hear that EVA is the reasonable one here because apparently that indicates that the author has a good relationship with their mother.  
> Then she mentioned it to my dad and my dad was like, "So how's the father in your fic?" and I was like "Uh... well, I mean, there's another guy (Venom) who takes a kind of a father role who's a pretty good dad..." Honestly, it's not like I'm not close to my father either. I have a good relationship with both my parents, even though they both have full-time jobs and me and my siblings pretty much raised ourselves. I'm just lucky like that. :)
> 
> Sorry, that was largely irrelevant. I've just been thinking a lot about the fact that I'm, y'know, leaving home soon. (You probably could have guessed that from Liquid and Mantis' conversation in the ferris wheel...) Call comes in any day now, and the mail hasn't even come yet today!


	18. INTERMISSION + ANNOUNCEMENT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um, that eighteen-month mission hiatus...? It's not happening. I was disqualified from serving a full-time mission due to mental health concerns. It's... frustrating. More than frustrating. I've struggled with my mental illnesses for my entire life and never have I ever let them hold me back in anything I do, but... well, it was out of my hands. I've done all I can. And it was a lot of hard work, and a lot of sacrifice.  
> And yeah, serving a mission has been what I've dreamed about my whole life. I don't think most people will understand what it's like to have a singular goal for as long as you've been alive, and to come so close, only for it to be snatched away from you...  
> It's crushing.  
> But I'll be fine. I'm shifting my focus over to school, and in between now and and my first semester at BYU (Idaho, unless I can get into Hawaii, which already rejected me once but I am re-applying... wish I could do that for my mission, too, haha... ha...) I'll probably be serving a service or temple mission. But since those aren't full time, uh, y'all'll probably still be getting new fic every so often. Hell, I might even actually finish _this_ fic.  
>  So, that's the plus side I guess? For y'all, anyway. And I'm glad there's a plus side for y'all after all the support I've been getting on this site. You guys are great.  
> Plus side for me is that over the course of preparing for my mission, I've changed a lot, all in positive ways. So even if was ultimately for naught... I don't exactly have nothing to show for it. I'm... stronger now than I ever was before. And with how many delays hit before my rejection, well, I feel I can handle the rejection.  
> Things'll work out. They always do.
> 
> Next episode of this fic has already been started, but I got kind of sidetracked by another fic. It's the spiritual successor to As You Say. Look forward to it!


	19. Teenagers are Disgusting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter kind of pushes the T rating. But, I mean, I did go to a public high school and all, and in my time there I did hear (and participate in) more candid discussions of sex than I can count, so...

“Well, Rosemary,” Naomi said, looking at her clipboard in exactly the same manner as which she started that stupid HIV/AIDS episode, “the results of your urine test are back.”

“Oh my god what. Why did you have my urine? How??”

“Don’t question it. Anyway, it seems you’re pregnant.”

Rose stared at her in complete flabbergasted confusion, then went totally red. “What???????? How????????”

“Well, you see,” said Naomi, “when a boy and a girl think they love each other very much…”

“I know _that_ ,” Rose said, “but all Jack and I have done is, like, make out and stuff. How do I get _pregnant_ from that?!”

“Well, there _have_ been instances of women getting pregnant despite not engaging in vaginal sex,” Naomi said.

“I don’t think the Bible is a good medical source, Nurse Hunter.”

“No, I mean like the case where a girl was stabbed immediately after oral sex and sperm was introduced to her eggs that way,” Naomi said. Which, by the way, she [wasn’t making things up for once](http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=56756).

“But I didn’t get stabbed! And Jack and I never-“

“Well, can you think of any other way sperm might have been introduced to your body?”

“No!! I told you, all Jack and I do is make out! I haven’t even let him get to third base yet!”

Naomi raised an eyebrow. “Suppose he had sperm in his saliva as he was making out with you?”

Rose stared at her, and Volgin’s terrible sex ed struck again. “Is that really how it works?”

“Of course it is,” Naomi said, “you can trust me, I’m a registered nurse.”

At lunch, Rose pulled Raiden aside and explained the situation to him. If anything, he was even _more_ absolutely baffled than Rose was.

“Sperm in my saliva?” he said, “I’m, like, 99% sure it doesn’t work that way.”

“Nurse Hunter said it works that way.”

“But… she’s Fox’s sister, isn’t she? Doesn’t she like to start drama just because she’s bored?”

“I thought it was Mr. Ocelot who did that,” Rose said.

“Maybe it’s both of them… I guess if a sperm gets in a girl’s body then it would make sense it could get to the eggs, but… I dunno.” _Clearly_ anatomy was not one of Raiden’s strong subjects, and he was mostly thinking about some hentai he’d once seen on the internet (in passing, of course, what do you think he is some kind of pervert) were when the dude finished his business inside the girl, it came out of her mouth. “But sperm’s only in… you know… right? And that only comes out of… well… not the mouth.”

“So how’d it get in your mouth?” she asked.

“Uh… I can’t think of _how_ —-“

“Ooooohh, my _god_ ,” Rose said suddenly, “it wasn’t even your sperm, was it?!”

“What?!”

“Have you been sucking someone’s dick behind my back?!”

“What?!?!”

She started crying. “It’s Sam, isn’t it? You’ve been sucking Sam’s dick!”

“What?!?!?! Rose, no!! No way!!!”

“I can’t believe this!!!!” She stormed off to the lunch table.

“Rose!! Wait! …Rose!”

Nope.

Rose loudly accused Sam of getting a blowjob from Raiden. Sam spat out his soda.

“What?!” he coughed, wiping his mouth.

“That’s what _I_ said!” Raiden yelled, running over.

“Well, it’s the only explanation that makes sense!” Rose snapped, “I’m pregnant, but Jack and I have never gone all the way, so it must have happened because he had someone else’s sperm in his saliva!”

“Does it really work that way?” Sam said. “That… doesn’t sound right.”

“It’s what Nurse Hunter said!”

“Oh. Well, why don’t you accuse Frank Jaeger or Solid Snake of having their cocks sucked by Jack, instead of me?”

“What— no!!!” Raiden said, “I’ve _never_ -“

“ _I_ never would,” Sam said indignantly.

“Oh, like I even _believe_ that, Mr. Flirt with Raiden at every available opportunity!”

“You _honestly think_ I want you to-“

“Whose baby am I carrying?!” Rosemary demanded.

The three continued arguing. Fortune, Fatman, and Solidus watched in silence.

“Should we… tell them that Nurse Hunter is just trying to cause drama?” Fortune said.

“Nope,” Fatman said.

“…good point. I want to see how this pans out.”

“I’m… confused,” Solidus said.

_~WE NOW RETURN TO THE PLOT THIS FIC UNFORTUNATELY HAS~_

Roughly around that same time across the cafeteria, Solid’s table was sans one regular - Otacon, who was eating lunch in his mom’s classroom, citing a programming project that he was ahead of the rest of the class on and not due for another several weeks anyway.

Even _Solid_ knew that Otacon was just avoiding him like the plague. He hadn’t seen or talked to him since last Saturday, and by now everyone knew that they had broken up. The rest of their friend group felt really awkward about it…

“Hey,” Fox said, “stop staring at Meryl like that.”

“Huh?” Solid said, picking his chin up off his hand, where he had been resting it.

“If you keep looking at Meryl that way, everyone’s going to think that you broke up with Otacon for her.”

“Um… so?”

Fox slowly shook his head, then put his arm around Solid’s shoulder. “Oh, Snake, Snake, Snake,” he said condescendingly, “come _on,_ man, you don’t just break up with someone _for_ another person. That’s a complete dick move.”

“I didn’t break up with Otacon for Meryl. We broke for other reasons.”

“Well, _I_ know that, and _you_ know that, but does _the school_ know that?” he said, “your reputation is at stake here, Snake.”

Solid blinked. “So… at what point would it no longer-“

“A month,” Fox said.

“A month?”

“Yep. If you start dating someone else within the first month after a breakup, then it looks like you broke up with your ex for the express purpose of dating the _other_ person, and at that point it’s just a tiny logical step for everyone to assume you were cheating on them. And no one wants to be considered a _cheater_ , Snake,” Fox explained.

Solid nodded. “So… a month—“

“Unless you were the one who was dumped, then you can start dating again after the first two weeks and claim it as a rebound. That usually works best if the rebound is one of the person who dumped you’s friends.”

“This is kind of complicated.”

Fox shrugged. “Social rules are social rules, Snake. Also, it’s pretty obvious that you were the one who dumped Otacon, not the other way around.”

Solid winced. “It is?”

“Yeah. Mei Ling said he’s actually really depressed about it.”

“…”

Okay.

Now he felt terrible.

“Snake? You okay?”

“…I’m kind of a bastard, aren’t I, Fox?”

“Why did you and Otacon break up, anyway? Just didn’t work out?”

Solid opened his mouth to come up with some excuse, but was interrupted by a slightly hesitant Meryl.

“Hey, Snake,” she said, “are you coming to the animé club this Friday?”

“…the animé club? Why?”

“Well, obviously, Otacon’s gonna be there, so…” she trailed off, then shrugged uncomfortably. “You’re not going to make things awkward, right? You and Otacon agreed to still be friends, didn’t you?”

“Didn’t you?” Mei Ling said, in a significantly more challenging tone of voice, with her hands on her hips.

“Uh,” Solid said, “actually, since Raiden has after-school detention all this week and next week, I wouldn’t be able to go to the next two animé club meetings anyway. I have to babysit Sunny.”

“Oh,” Meryl said.

Mei Ling frowned. “Your brother’s not going to take advantage of you not being there to come harass us again, will he?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Solid said. Liquid was a force unto himself…

There was a lot of shouting from Solidus’ table at the other end of the cafeteria.

“Oh boy,” Holly said, turning around in her chair, “that sounds like fun.”

“What do you think the source of the drama is this time?” Gustava said, not even bothering to look behind her.

“My sister spreading inaccurate medical information,” Fox said.

“…the sad part is, you’re probably right.”

Rose came storming over, followed by a blatantly freaking tf out Raiden and an extremely irritated and defensive Sam. She stood in front of their table with her fists on her hips.

“Snake!! Fox!!” she said, “I have some serious questions for both of you!”

“Rose, for the last time, I have no idea how-“ Raiden started.

“Which one of you has been letting Jack suck your pau?” Sam demanded.

There was a brief pause. Solid stared at them in horror. Holly, Meryl, and Mei Ling all raised their eyebrows, looking between Rose, Raiden, and Sam, and Solid and Fox. Gustava looked affronted. Fox burst into laughter.

“Don’t look at me,” he said. “Of course, we already know Snake’s been _up to_ these sorts of things before…”

Solid’s eyes widened. “Uh, no—“

“Wait,” Meryl said, “is this why you and Otacon broke up?”

“You were cheating on him?!” Mei Ling said, “Snake, that’s awful!!”

“No!!! That’s not what-”

“That is _definitely_ not what happened,” Raiden interrupted, “Rose, none of this makes any sense. I haven’t been sucking anyone off, okay?”

“How did this even come up?” Holly asked.

Rose explained the situation. There was another pause, longer this time.

Gustava pinched the bridge of her nose. “Okay,” she said, “Rosemary, I _really_ don’t think you can blame this on Jack.”

“Yeah,” Holly said, “that’s, like, not how it-“

“Raiden, have you ever considered the possibility that she’s been cheating on you?” Fox talked over her.

“Um, no,” Raiden said loudly, “Rose would never do that.”

“…because you totally would go around giving other students blowjobs?” Meryl said.

“I believe that,” Sam said.

“Sam, shut _up_ ,” Raiden said.

“Hmm,” Fox said, “how do I put this delicately? Rose, sometimes when a guy doesn’t fap enough, stuff gets backed up and starts mixing in with other bodily fluids, like saliva. I think that’s what happened here.”

“Really??” Raiden and Rose said at the same time.

“Huh,” Sam said.

“That’s why they always say to be careful when making out,” Fox said, “you know, put a condom on your tongue.”

“That’s a thing??” Rose said.

“Yeah, didn’t you know? Anyway, you and Raiden have a lot to talk about.” He shooed them away. “Ahhh, freshmen. They’re so gullible.”

The rest of the table stared at him.

“That’s not… really how things work, right?” Mei Ling said.

“Of course not,” Gustava said, rolling her eyes.

“Is it, like, bad that I want to see if they’ll start putting condoms in their mouths?” Holly said.

_~WHEN YOU’RE INKING, START AT THE TOP LEFT CORNER~_

Raiden’s detention had somehow been handed off to Ocelot, who completely disappeared from his classroom after a certain point, so Rose dropped by after school.

“So we have a lot to talk about, Jack,” she said.

“Yeah…”

“This is pretty crazy. I mean, we’re like fourteen, what are we gonna do with a baby?”

“I don’t know about you,” Raiden said, “but I’m not ready to be a dad.”

“I don’t think I’m ready to be a mom either.”

“Maybe you should just get an abortion?”

Rose gasped. “Jack!” she said, “you can’t say that in a high school AU, that’s _way_ too political!”

“But I’m pretty sure it’d be dangerous for you to have a baby,” Raiden argued, “since you’re so young. Isn’t childbirth really hard on the body? And besides, I’m still pretty sure episode thirteen was about the 2016 election _somehow_ , this fic has _already_ gotten political!”

“Maybe we should just think about putting the baby up for adoption,” Rose said, “that’s a more neutral thing to discuss.”

“I still don’t think this whole pregnancy thing is a good idea…”

Rose pursed her lips. “Or maybe we should just get married.”

Raiden sputtered. “W-We’re still in high school!!”

“In most US states, there isn’t a minimum marriageable age if certain conditions are met, like judicial and parental permission, and/or pregnancy,” Rose explained.

“Wait, really? In Liberia, the youngest is girls can get married at sixteen with parental permission. It’s eighteen for boys! 21 if the parents aren’t involved! So if we got married, it wouldn’t even be legal in my home country…!”

“Then I guess you’ll just have to stay in America with me,” Rose said brightly.

Raiden frowned. “Um, okay, before I answer that, can I borrow your phone for a second? I need to Google something and Ocelot confiscated mine before he left.”

“Sure.”

So Raiden Googled something.

“Hey, Rose!!” Raiden said, shoving the phone in her face, “look at this! There’s no _way_ you’re pregnant!”

“Come on, Jack,” Rose said, “who do you think is more trustworthy: Nurse Hunter, or some random person on the internet?”

There was a, no pun intended, pregnant pause.

“Some random person on the internet,” they both said at the same time.

Rose started crying again. “Oh, thank God!” she said, “I wasn’t ready for a baby!!!”

And Raiden heaved the biggest sigh of relief that Kojima High has ever seen.

_~IF ANYONE KNOWS FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE SALT LAKE CITY AREA PLEASE TELL ME~_

The Boss stood in the school clinic, arms crossed, with a very serious and also disappointed expression like usual.

“Can I help you?” Naomi said.

The Boss shook her head. “I would fire you if Para-Medic showed up for work more often.”

“I think the real problem here lies in the sexual education the students have already been receiving.”

“Consider yourself off the list for potential new health teachers, Nurse Hunter.”

Naomi frowned. Darn, she didn’t even know she was _on_ that list… that would have been higher pay, too…

And so, the moral of the episode: Don’t troll your students, unless you’re _really_ sure you can do it without the principal finding out.


	20. The Animé Club 2: サンズ・オブ・リバティ

 

Octopus threw down his Magic cards, cursing. “That’s _it_ ,” he said, “you are _definitely_ using Mantis to cheat.”

“I am not,” Liquid said indignantly, “I’m cheating on my own merits like a normal person.”

“You are just bad at this game,” Raven informed Octopus.

Wolf kicked back on the curb, setting her cards down on the parking lot pavement. “Who wants to go in and buy me a soda from Code Talker?” she said.

No one volunteered.

“Get it yourself,” Mantis said.

“I am broke.”

“Join the club,” Liquid muttered.

“Is there nothing else to do besides watch you four play Magic?” Mantis said dryly. One of the B&B Corps giggled from where they were perched on a nearby parking bumper.

“Bored?” Liquid said, leaning his head on Mantis’ shoulder without looking away from his deck.

“It _would_ be nice to find something to do,” Octopus said, “I don’t really feel like going home yet. Hmm… Friday afternoon, what’s going on…”

“Emmerich’s animé club?” Wolf said. “Now that I think about it, Snake won’t be there…”

“Are you proposing we go harass them again?” Raven said.

“I’m down for that,” Liquid said. Mantis half-shrugged in agreement.

“Well, maybe not ‘harass’,” Wolf said, “but I would not mind going and seeing what they’re watching today.”

“I missed the last time you all went to his club,” Octopus said, “so count me in. I want to check it out.”

“I’m sure there won’t be any problems this time,” Liquid said, smirking.

_~I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT THE SALT LAKE THING I’M MOVING OUT THERE IN LIKE A MONTH~_

Someone knocked on the door to Kaz’s classroom. Otacon cracked it open, not wanting to let too much light in the room since he’d already put something on. It was Wolf.

“Hi,” she said, smiling.

“Er… hi,” Otacon said, blushing kind of nervously, then opened the door the rest of the way to let her in—- “Oh no. _Oh_ no. You were _banned_.”

“What?” Liquid said innocently, putting a hand on his chest. “Me?”

“All of you!”

“I wasn’t even here last time,” Octopus said. Meryl stood up and walked over.

“What are _you_ doing here?” she said, putting her hands on her hips.

“We just came to watch animé,” Raven said. “We did not have anything else to do.” One of the B&B Corps standing behind them let out a low screech.

“There will be no coups this time,” Mantis said, “I will make sure that Eli behaves himself.”

“You participated in the takeover, too,” Liquid muttered.

Wolf smiled again. “Give us another chance, Emmerich?”

“No way,” Meryl said.

“…Meryl, it’s fine,” Otacon said, stepping aside to let them in. Meryl gave him a ‘Just because Wolf asks you to do something _doesn’t mean you should it_ ’ look, which was ignored. “Come on in. We just started watching The Big O. Mei Ling, do you mind if we start it over?”

“No problem,” Mei Ling said, eyeing Liquid and his friends (and the B&B Corps).

Meryl glared. “You five… nine… had better not cause any trouble this time!”

“Again,” Octopus said, “I wasn’t even here last time.”

Otacon restarted the episode.

“Amazing CGI,” Mantis said in the first twenty seconds, “it is very obvious this is from 2001.”

“Um…” Otacon said, “I’d prefer it if everyone stayed quiet while watching…”

“Oh, of course.” (Insincere.)

“Why are we watching the English dub?” Octopus said.

“It was what we _had_ , okay?” Meryl said, somewhat aggressively.

“I was just asking, geez…”

“Those are some ugly sunglasses,” Liquid commented.

“And that building looks like a public safety hazard,” Wolf said, “why do they not tear it down completely?”

“It is the City of Amnesia,” Raven said, “perhaps they forgot.”

“Otacon just asked you all to stay quiet while watching,” Mei Ling said. One of the B&B Corps growled loudly.

“What’s up with these camera angles?” Liquid said, ignoring Mei Ling.

“They also forgot to put the camera in a reasonable location,” Mantis snarked.

And so it continued.

Otacon was unwilling to stand up to the commentary, instead sinking tiredly into his seat and keeping his eyes fixed on the screen without really paying attention to what was on it. Mei Ling and Meryl exchanged glances. If Otacon wasn’t going to get them to shut up, there wasn’t much they could do, especially considering there was no adult supervision here - Kaz had left while Otacon was setting up the projector.

“I’ll go get Master Miller,” Meryl whispered, “you stay here and make sure they don’t steal his laptop again, okay?”

“Okay,” Mei Ling whispered back. Meryl slipped out.

_~THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING WRONG WITH WATCHING DAD ANIMÉ~_

Raiden was bored.

Which was kind of point of detention, now that he thought about it. Wow. Only took him a whole week to come to that conclusion.

Although what probably _wasn’t_ the point of detention was landing him in Ocelot’s classroom again for some reason and then Ocelot just straight-up leaving. Somehow Raiden couldn’t bring himself to just get up and leave, though. Mostly because he wouldn’t put it past Ocelot to be waiting just outside the classroom door so he could ambush him. (He assumed Ocelot was bored, too.)

Meryl ran in.

“Master Miller—! Oh. He’s not here.”

“He was fifteen minutes ago,” Raiden said, “but then he and Mr. Ocelot left.”

“Together?”

“Yeah.”

“Damn it. Now I’m never going to find him.” She paused. “Not without seeing things that can’t be unseen, anyway.”

Raiden rested his chin on his hands, staring at Meryl hopefully. “What’d you need him for?”

“Liquid and his squad just showed up at Otacon’s animé club again, and you know what happened _last_ time!”

He sat up so fast he almost fell out of his chair. “Woah, is it another takeover?!”

“Well… not _yet_. But I’m sure he’s planning it!” Her eyebrows drew together. “Oh, maybe he was waiting for me to leave before starting it! I was the only one in the room who had even half a chance of taking him on in a fight… or at least of not getting K.O.’d in the first five seconds…” She rubbed her head angrily. “Argh! I knew I should have sent Mei Ling to go get Master Miller instead of going myself! What if he’s already locked Otacon in the cabinet?! What if they locked up Mei Ling, too?!”

“If you need someone to go rescue them while you find a teacher,” Raiden said, jumping up, “I can help!”

She gave him a dubious look. “Are you sure? I guess Wolf is pretty harmless when she doesn’t have her rifle, but Liquid’s really tough and I don’t even want to _think_ about what _Raven_ could do to you. Plus the B &B Corps is just freaky.”

“Hey, I’m on the football team too, aren’t I?”

“Not really.”

“Good point. Still, Fox says I make great cannon fodder!”

“I don’t think he meant that as a compliment…”

_~SPEAKING OF DADS, MINE ALWAYS DESCRIBED THE BIG O AS “BATMAN WITH GIANT ROBOTS”~_

Raiden peered into the window of Kaz’s classroom, taking stock of the situation. Hmm… well, Otacon and Mei Ling definitely weren’t in the cabinet. So… that was a good sign, right? Maybe all Liquid and his weird friends had done was just show up and be annoying.

_Or_ they were just biding their time and making sure that Meryl was gone long enough that she had to be on the other side of the school right now!

…or maybe not? It really didn’t look like they were doing anything. Looks could be deceiving, of course, but Raiden figured that if he just ran in there and tried to deck Liquid it wouldn’t end well. Meryl had a point. Liquid _could_ wipe the floor with him, even without any of his friends acting as backup.

While he was thinking, Octopus opened the door and stared at him.

“Do you need something?” he said. “Mantis said you’ve been standing here ruminating over hostile club takeovers for the past five minutes.”

“Umm…” Raiden blinked, then took a defensive stance. “I’m- I’m here to liberate the animé club from you!”

Octopus would have raised an eyebrow if he had any. Behind him, Liquid started laughing and Wolf shook her head, saying, “We have done nothing wrong this time.”

“Actually, they keep talking over the animé like this is a RiffTrax episode,” Mei Ling said. “Right, Otacon?”

“…yeah…” Otacon said, still sitting very low in his chair. “I asked them not to commentate, but none of them listened.”

“It is more entertaining with commentary,” Mantis said.

“Oh. I see,” Raiden said, then took an _offensive_ stance. “Then I’ll kick them out for you! I mean, they were already banned, anyway, right?”

“Yeah,” Otacon said again, still staring tiredly at the screen. Poor guy. This probably wasn’t the best thing to happen to him on top of being bummed out all week over a breakup.

“Do you want to fight, Raiden?” Liquid said, standing up, grinning savagely.

_No_ , Raiden thought, but _said_ “Yes.”

“Eli, no,” Mantis sighed.

“Kick his butt, Jack!” Mei Ling cheered.

“Break his arms, Liquid,” Raven said.

And so the battle of the blond bitches began.

It was less battle and more Raiden barely ducking out of the way of Liquid’s initial punch and then proceeding to get chased around the classroom, though. Liquid was fast as hell, but if there was one thing Raiden had going for him it was his ability to run the hell away, especially if doing so involved cartwheel flips. Which, of course, it did in this case.

“I knew I should have brought popcorn,” Octopus said.

“I brought sunflower seeds,” Raven said, offering Octopus some without taking his eyes off Liquid and Raiden.

“Ah, gracias.”

Otacon rested his face on the desk he was sitting at. He knew something like this was going to happen without Solid here as security. He knew it. He just knew it. He listened to the one member of the B&B Corps sob hysterically, and thought, _Wow, same_.

“You’re banning them for real after today, right, Otacon? Even Wolf?” Mei Ling said.

“ _Yes_.”

“It is more fun with Liquid causing trouble, anyway,” Wolf said with a shrug. Otacon groaned.

Mantis stood up suddenly. “Eli,” he said, “your mother will be here in thirty seconds.”

Liquid stopped in his tracks. “Oh, shit,” he said, then ran over to the window, opened it, and jumped out.

“Wait!” Wolf said, “this is the second floor!” There was an unpleasant-sounding _thud_ from down below.

“He is fine,” Mantis said after a moment, looking out the window and watching Liquid sprint away across the parking lot, “apart from the sprained ankle, but he has not noticed that yet. Idiot…”

“Boy, _that’ll_ be fun to put up with on Monday,” Octopus said.

The classroom door opened, and EVA was standing there, hands sternly on her hips with a mildly perplexed expression, and Meryl standing behind her.

“I was told there was another hostile takeover going on,” she said, “Hal, I thought you banned Eli and his friends from your club.”

“He let them in because he has a crush on Wolf,” Mei Ling said. Otacon went bright red and shushed her.

EVA looked around. “Mantis, where’s Eli?”

“Two streets over by now,” Mantis said.

“And Raiden - why are you here?” She narrowed her eyes. “Aren’t you supposed to be in detention?”

“He showed up here and got into a fight with Liquid,” Raven said.

“He was just enforcing the ban for us!” Mei Ling said.

“He’s not even a part of the club,” said Octopus.

“Yeah, well, Liquid threw the first punch!”

“Jack outright challenged him!”

“Uh,” Raiden said, “in my defense, Meryl also told _me_ there was another hostile takeover.”

“Well, I thought there was!” Meryl said.

“There was no takeover,” said Mantis, “all we were doing was making the occasional joke about what we were watching.”

EVA shook her head. “Raiden, for the love of… you should have seen as soon as you got here that picking a fight was _not_ an appropriate course of action.”

“Um… sorry, Mrs. Sears,” Raiden said, looking at the floor.

“And you shouldn’t have even been here in the first place, since you’re still supposed to be in detention.”

“To be fair,” Meryl said, “Ocelot wasn’t even in the classroom.”

EVA sighed loudly. “Okay. Fine. Mantis, Wolf, Raven, Octopus… you four girls… get out, and never come to the animé club again. If you want to watch animé that badly, make your _own_ club - thanks to George, redundant clubs are no longer against school rules.” She watched them all leave, then turned to the remaining students.

“Thanks,” Otacon said quietly.

“No problem, Hal, it’s my job. Although I’m afraid I can’t really punish Eli for starting a fight at your club again, since he managed to get away… and Raiden,” she added sharply, before he could sneak out behind her, “I won’t give you extra detention for this, but from now on you’re doing detention with _me_ , and _I_ don’t leave my classroom with a student in it.”

“Y-Yes, ma’am,” Raiden said.

_~BAD DRIVERS ARE ONLY DANGEROUS IF THEY MEET ANOTHER BAD DRIVER~_

**[BIG_MAMA]: Eli! What are you doing playing Overwatch, you’re grounded!!**

**[whitemamba]: shit wrong match**

**[frenchHunter]: lmao did you break someone else’s nose**

**[whitemamba]: This is Solidus actually. I’m just borrowing Liquid’s account**

**[whitemamba]: Because I wanted to play the new hero**

**[iroquois]: do you honestly expect us to believe that liquid?**

**[iroquois]: like solidus would ever play overwatch, he’s too attached to battleborn**

**[frenchHunter]: haha more like battlestillborn am i right**

**[whitemamba]: that’s terrible.**

**[BIG_MAMA]: Get off the computer now!!!!!**

**[whitemamba]: but mother i really want to play orisa!!! she just came out!!!!!!**

**Voyevoda (Pharah): Group up with me!**

**[BIG_MAMA]: No!!! Grounded is grounded young man!!!**

**Voyevoda (Pharah): Group up with me!**

**[VicBoss]: Liquid you have thirty seconds befre I go upstairs and throw your laptop out hte window**

**[whitemamba]: fuck you**

**[whitemamba] has left the game.**

**[BIG_MAMA]: Snake, that was just unnecessary.**

**[VicBoss]: Brat**

**[OtakuConvention] has joined the game.**

**OtakuConvention: Hello!**

**[iroquois] has left the game.**

**BIG_MAMA: Hello!**

**Voyevoda (Pharah): Group up with me!**

**VicBoss: Acknowledged.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually went and watched the first two minutes of the first episode of The Big O so the FOXHOUND squad's snarky commentary could be accurate. It actually looked pretty interesting, too... I should really finish watching it, especially considering my dad's been recommending it to me since I was, like, eight...


	21. Heterosexual Awareness Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long for such a short chapter lmao. I'm moving out to Salt Lake City in, like, three weeks to be a YCSM~

“So, Zero,” Paz said over the phone, filing her nails, “I kept forgetting to bring it up, but The Boss wanted to know about your recommendation for the new health teacher.”

“New health teacher?” Zero said, “what happened to Volgin?”

“Oh, he got fired.”

“What did he do? …actually, I’m afraid to ask. Nevermind.”

“Oh no, he just gave some students some terrible information about HIV/AIDS back during the epidemic.”

“What epidemic?”

“You know, the HIV/AIDS epidemic a fews weeks ago? But in the end, only Ocelot and Miller actually tested positive…”

“No one bloody tells me anything,” Zero sighed. “Well, as far as a new health teacher goes, why not V? He could certainly double up classes now that John is his co-coach, and he did used to be an army medic.”

Paz blinked. “Snake used to be in the Army?”

“In _an_ army, yes. Anyway, that reminds me - how are John and EVA’s children doing? I went out of my way to make sure that their youngest was in the same school as that exchange student, since they already knew each other and I hear it’s rather difficult for any of them to make friends…”

“Um… you mean Solidus and Jack? Oh, they get along just fine, I am pretty sure,” Paz said, “but let me tell you about what happened between Solid and Huey and Strangelove’s son…”

_~EVEN THE SUPERINTENDENT IS GOSSIPING ABOUT SOLICON, R.I.P.~_

The students were all called for a mysterious assembly one afternoon. They were all crammed into the auditorium with minimal adult supervision, namely: Kaz, Ocelot, Quiet, Dr. Strangelove, EVA, Huey, Amanda, Cécile, and Paz.

Paz was actually up at the podium, introducing the motivational(?) speaker that the superintendent had sent, one Sophie N’dram.

Because fuck you, Ghost Babel is _still_ a good game, apart from Box Hell™.

Sophie stood up at the podium and blandly greeted everyone, redundantly introducing herself, while Vamp dragged a projection screen and projector on-stage, then scurried off to stand in the back of the auditorium with the other adults.

“I am here today,” Sophie said, “to talk to you all about acceptance of alternative sexualities.”

Cue the student body staring in disbelief.

“So,” said Sophie, who knew nothing about Kojima High and was literally only here because she was getting paid to do this, and possibly wasn’t even the original scheduled speaker and was just sent as a backup, “be honest with yourselves, everyone, and raise your hand if you are, and always have been, romantically or sexually interested in exclusively the opposite sex.”

The only person who raised their hand was Huey.

Sophie blinked.

She was either not getting paid enough, or waaaaaay too much.

“Okay,” she said, “let’s try that again. Raise your hand if you generally consider yourself straight.”

A bunch more hands went up, including EVA and Quiet, and students - Fortune, for example, and Rose, Gustava and Holly, Meryl, Meryl’s friend Johnny, Chico, Raven…

Solid really wanted to raise his hand right now…

Sophie’s eyebrows drew together for a moment, then she glanced at her prepared notes and pressed forward, assuming that the kids just weren’t paying attention. “Okay. You don’t have to if you do not wish to, but please raise your hand if you identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual/pansexual—-“

Pretty much all the other hands went up. (Solid determinedly kept his hands between his knees.)

“What about asexual?” Mantis said loudly.

“Uh… yes.”

Sophie stared at her audience for a while, then rested her elbow on the podium, propping her chin on her hand. She looked mildly stunned.

“Okay,” she said at length. “Must be something in the water here. Alright, fine. I came prepared.” She changed the image on the projector.

Sophie, who had no fucks to give, gave the speech she was supposed to give anyway, except transparently swapping out ‘gay’ with ‘straight’. No one listened to her. She really didn’t care.

“Why did you raise your hand for bisexual?” Solid said in an undertone to Fox, who was sitting next to him.

Fox shrugged. “Everyone’s at least a _little_ gay for your dad. Some of us are a _lot_ gay for him.”

Solid frowned, then caught the eye of Gustava, who was sitting on Fox’s other side.

“It’s fine,” she said, “as long as he’s not as gay for him as Mr. Ocelot is.”

“That’s not saying much,” Solid said.

“Anyway, nevermind that,” Fox said, “Snake, why _didn’t_ you raise your hand _your_ hand for bisexual?”

“I… um.”

He glanced down the row at Otacon, who had put Fox, Gustava, Holly, Mei Ling, Meryl, and even Johnny between them.

“No reason.”

“Just because you dumped your boyfriend doesn’t make you straight again,” Fox said, rolling his eyes.

“That’s not even how it works in the _first_ place,” Gustava said.

Sophie leaned forward until her lips were touching the microphone. “ _No talking during the tolerance seminar, thank you_.”

_~BE NICE TO YOUR STRAIGHT CLASSMATES, THEY WERE ONLY BORN THAT WAY~_

After school, after Solid got back from babysitting Sunny, while Liquid and Solidus were downstairs fighting over the TV remote, Solid leaned out the window of his room, smoking a cigarette. He heard the door open and hurriedly stubbed it out.

“Hey, David,” EVA said, leaning against the doorway. “Do you have a minute? I want to talk.”

“Uh… sure.”

She walked in and sat on Solid’s bed, then patted next to her, indicating for him to sit down as well. He did.

“You looked pretty uncomfortable during that… tolerance… thing earlier today.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“Look, David, be honest with me — do you think of yourself as straight?”

Solid looked at his lap. He didn’t want to be having this conversation. “…yeah.”

“So, that thing with Hal… you were just experimenting?”

Solid shrugged. Sure. Let her think that.

EVA put a hand on his shoulder. “Most people experiment, David. I mean, I would have preferred it if you’d waited until you were older, but - it doesn’t define you or change who you are. If you ended up deciding that you’re not into boys after all, then all this means is that you can be completely sure about it, since you did try it out.” She squeezed gently. “It would be just fine if you were bi, David, but it’s also alright if you’re straight. No matter who you’re attracted to, you’re still my son and I still love no matter what and I’ll always support you as long as you do the right thing.”

Solid nodded numbly. It was a nice sentiment and all, but it really wasn’t what he was so bothered about - or at least, not entirely. He guessed he _did_ have to admit that he was a _little_ conflicted in that area, too, but really it seemed unimportant, all things considered.

“And - I think you should have a talk with Hal about this,” EVA continued, “I’ve heard that you and he haven’t really spent any time together since you broke up, and I know this probably made things awkward between you two, but he’s one of your best friends, David. You shouldn’t just throw him away because you were a little unsure about yourself. Do you understand me?”

Solid nodded again.

Yeah, they probably did need to talk.

EVA hugged him. “You’re a good kid, David. Good people are hard to find - make sure you don’t lose them when you’ve found one.”

_~IT’S FLY TO BE BI~_


	22. Welcome to Datemania

“So,” Fortune said, “the winter formal is coming up. Is anyone interested?”

“Jack’s taking me,” Rose said immediately.

“What… exactly is the winter formal,” Raiden said.

“It’s basically homecoming,” Fatman explained, “except at the end of the semester instead of the beginning of it, because the author started this fic halfway through the first semester and missed the opportunity for it.”

“Oh.”

“Maybe he should take me, too,” Sam said, smirking.

“ _No_ ,” Raiden said loudly at the same time as Rose said, “sure, it’ll be fun!”

“So, it’s a social event,” Solidus said, crossing his arms pensively, “I suppose it would be bad form for me not to show up there, as student body president.”

“Are you going to have a date?” Fortune asked.

“Are dates necessary?”

Fortune opened her mouth to say no, it wasn’t weird to go stag to a school dance, especially if you were already single, but Rose cut across her.

“Yeah!” she said, “everyone brings a date to the winter formal! Right, Fatman?”

Fatman shrugged. “I never go to those things,” he said disdainfully, taking a sip out of his conspicuously opaque water bottle that smelled suspiciously of fermented grapes.

“Well, since I’m only a freshman this is my first winter formal,” Rose said, “but I’m pretty sure that dates are required.”

That seemed credible enough for Solidus. “But who should I bring?”

“Doesn’t your brother have friends your age?” Sam said.

“Sophomore friends, I thought,” Fatman said.

“Sophomores and freshmen are basically the same thing,” Fortune said.

“So, Solidus,” Rose said brightly, clapping her hands, “just ask Snake to introduce you to one of his sophomore friends!”

“Good idea,” Solidus said, “and then perhaps I should retain her after the dance, so she can be the student body first lady.”

“Okay,” Raiden said, “I really hope Snake introduces him to Meryl. That I would _pay_ to see.”

_~MERYL AIN’T GONNA PUT UP WITH THAT SHIT~_

Meanwhile, on the other side of the cafeteria, Gustava was showing Holly a picture of the dress she had picked out for the winter formal.

“Oh man, Gustava, it looks, like, totally great,” Holly said, “I was just gonna use my dress from last year, though.”

“I was too,” Gustava said, “but I’ve lost some weight since last year, so I don’t fit mine anymore.”

“Oh yeah,” Fox said, “last year you had a skating accident like two months before the winter formal and had to take the rest of the skating season off…”

“And I gained a lot of weight,” Gustava said.

“I don’t think that says very many good things about your diet,” Meryl said.

“It wasn’t, like, _that_ much weight,” Holly said. “Just a couple pounds.”

“But enough that I had to get a new dress for this year,” Gustava said. “Anyway, Holly, are you going?”

“I’ve thought about it,” Holly said, shrugging, “but, like, I figure there won’t be much point if no one asks me. I’ve already been once, it’s really not that great.”

“Well, maybe something interesting will happen this year,” Mei Ling said. “I kind of want to go… but I don’t have a ride.”

“Sounds like you need a date,” Meryl said.

“Yeah…”

“I don’t think anything interesting is going to happen,” Otacon said, resting his head on one hand, “maybe I’ll just skip it. What about you, Snake?”

Solid shrugged noncommittally.

“You should go,” Fox said, “and bring a date. You know, socialize.”

Solid frowned, then glanced at Meryl, who apparently didn’t notice he was staring at her. Fox rolled his eyes.

“I think you should go, too, Otacon,” Meryl said, “and I think you should _also_ socialize. Ask someone out!”

“Like who?” Otacon said, mildly startled.

“Like… how about that girl you have a crush on?” Holly said.

“Wolf?” Otacon said.

“Uh,” Meryl said, “I don’t think that’s really the best-“

“She’d never say yes,” Otacon said, shaking his head.

“You never know until you try,” Fox said.

“She’s… I mean, she’s kind of a bitch,” Meryl said.

“Yeah,” Solid said, “probably not the best idea.”

“She’s not a bitch!” Otacon said defensively, “she just… hangs out with the wrong crowd. Like _your_ brother, Snake!”

“He was kind of inducted into _her_ social group, not the other way around,” Solid pointed out.

“Well… maybe if she starts hanging out with Otacon and us instead of her other friends,” Mei Ling said thoughtfully, “she’ll be nicer. I think you should do it, Otacon.”

“Yeah,” Fox said loudly, “go for it!”

“O-Okay!” Otacon said determinedly.

Gustava made an exasperated sigh, then turned to Solid. “Do you have anyone in mind for a date?”

“Um… no.” Cue significant look at Meryl, who happened to be checking a text on her phone at the time. “Well, uh, yes, but I’d rather ask her in private.”

“Ooh, a surprise date,” Holly said, “like we don’t already know who it is!”

Solid opened his mouth to reply but got a text from Solidus at that exact moment: “Ask your sophomore friends if either of them want to go to the winter formal with me”

Solid furrowed his brow at his phone. One, what the fuck. Two, Meryl was off-limits.

“mei ling’s in need of a date but come ask yourself, you might be too weird for her,” he texted back.

“I’m not weird”

Solid put his phone back in his pocket, ignoring any further texts.

_~WHAT DO YOU MEAN, EXTERNAL GAZER ISN’T CANON?~_

After school at the sharpshooting club, Wolf and Quiet were interrupted by an unusual guest: Otacon, who had probably never picked up a rifle in his life.

“Are you here to learn how to snipe?” Wolf said.

“Um… no, I don’t really like guns,” Otacon said, “I actually just had… uh… a question to ask you.” 

Wolf and Quiet exchanged significant glances - Wolf’s significantly more exasperated.

“I assume this is not about a class we are both in,” she said.

“Er, no. I actually…” he trailed off, blushing and fidgeting uncomfortably. “Uh… you know what, actually—-“

Quiet coughed pointedly and gave Otacon a _Spit it out, man_ look.

“It- it’s about the winter formal, Wolf,” Otacon said, cringing.

“…okay,” Wolf said, “what about it?”

“I, uh, I mean, if you’re free and all, I— I k-k-kinda wanted to go and to… to bring a date, y’know, so I was just thinking if you maybe… well… if you weren’t already going with someone… a-and you’re, y’know, planning to go and everything… just… y’know, if you want to — do you- would you- would you mind going to the winter formal with me? Like, as a d-date?”

There was a really awkward pause.

Wolf suppressed a sigh. Kudos to Otacon for gathering the courage to ask her on a date, but holy _shit_ that was like watching a trainwreck.

“Sorry,” Wolf said with a smile that was supposed to be disarming and really came across more strained than anything else, “I already have a date for the winter formal.”

Quiet glanced at her in surprise. Otacon started. “W-What?” he said, “who?”

“Raven,” Wolf said.

“Oh— …oh. I mean, I guess you two are, uh, already friends and, er, you… make a cute couple? So… um… have fun… I-I probably won’t see you there, I wasn’t really planning on going if you said no, so… hm. I’m… bye.” He scurried off.

It was completely silent in the shooting range for almost a full minute.

“What’s the holdup over there?” The End yelled from a leaf pile in his yard.

“I… I have to go do something,” Wolf said with a deeply troubled expression, “I will be right back.”

Quiet nodded.

_~ROAD TRIPS ARE NOT ACTUALLY GREAT PLACES TO WRITE FANFICTION, I’M CARSICK~_

Wolf came jogging up to the gas station parking lot where the rest of her squad (and the B&B Corps) was playing Magic as usual.

“Raven,” she panted, leaning over with her hands on her knees, “ _please_ tell me you are not going to the winter formal with anyone already.”

“What?” Raven said.

“Emmerich just asked me out. I did not want to be too harsh with him, so I told him I was already going with someone else, and you were the first person I thought of.”

“Oh,” Raven said. “Hmm.”

“The winter formal?” Liquid said, “that’s coming up?” He turned to Mantis. “Do you want to go?”

“Not particularly,” Mantis said.

“Fine by me, then. What about the afterparty?”

“I am always up for crashing parties,” Mantis said.

“Then we’ll do that.”

“That was casual,” Octopus commented.

Raven shook his head. “Wolf,” he said, “I am busy that weekend. I will not be going to the winter formal at all.”

“Seriously?” Wolf said, “that is… problematic.”

“You really are too nice to Emmerich,” Liquid said sagely. “You ought to just tell him outright that you’re not interested.”

“You think I have not _tried_ that?” Wolf said, “he is surprisingly persistent. Besides, I feel bad for him; he is so pathetic.” She frowned, growling slightly. “Things are going to get awkward if he hears I did not go to the winter formal with you, Raven…”

“You _could_ always say that you got sick that weekend or something,” Mantis said, rolling his eyes, “and just not go to the dance at all.”

“Or you could go with me,” Octopus said, “I could disguise myself as Raven. Consider it a favor.”

“Disguise as…?” Liquid said, looking between Octopus and Raven, “would that even _work?_ You two don’t look anything alike.”

“Oh, I’m _very_ good at disguises,” Octopus said. “Trust me.”

“That could work, actually…” Wolf said. “Alright, Octopus. It is a date. Sort of.”

“This should be interesting,” Raven sighed.

_~THE SIMPLEST ANSWER IS TO ACT~_

The next day at lunch, Mei Ling was in a strangely pleased mood, like some weird combination between giddy and absolutely baffled. Solid asked her what was up.

“Your brother asked me to the winter formal,” she said.

Solid blinked. “My brother? But he’s already dating Mant-“

“The other one,” Otacon said.

“Oh.”

“It was kind of abrupt,” Mei Ling said, putting one hand to her face, “I was just in Otacon’s dad’s classroom, when he just—“

“Why were you in Dr. Emmerich’s classroom?” Meryl said.

“Robotics club stuff, right?” Fox said.

Mei Ling shook her head. “Actually, Otacon and I were investigating that closed-off part of the classroom the robotics club isn’t allowed in.”

“I still think there’s something weird going on,” Otacon said, despite the fact that this literally hasn’t come up since, like, episode two.

“So he went to go check it out with me,” Mei Ling said, “but Dr. Emmerich caught us.”

“I think he’s constructing something…”

“Oh,” Solid said, “yeah, he is. I don’t know _what_ it is, but he offers extra credit for helping build that thing in the closed-off part of his classroom.”

Otacon stared at him. “You knew?”

“Uh… yes? I’ve been doing that after school a couple days every week all year.”

“It’s the only way he’s passing that class,” Fox ribbed.

“Wait, what is he doing, then?” Otacon demanded, “what are you building?”

“I have no idea, I’m just there for heavy lifting. I don’t ask questions…”

“A _hem_ ,” Mei Ling said, “we aren’t talking about Dr. Emmerich’s weird project right now, we’re talking about how Solidus asked me on a date.”

“Did he just walk up to you and ask you out?” Gustava said.

“Yep,” Mei Ling said brightly. “He was very direct about it. I think he likes me.”

“Like, did he or did he not use the phrase ‘student body first lady’ at any point?” Holly said.

“He did.”

“So it’s not just a date, then,” Solid said, “he wants you to be his girlfriend.” He frowned. “I’m not sure how I feel about my little brother dating one of my friends…”

“Ah, what’s the worst that could happen?” Fox said.

Meryl shook her head. “I don’t know what you see in him, Mei Ling. He’s kind of…”

“…weird,” Otacon said.

“Yeah…”

“Well,” Mei Ling said with a cheeky smile, “I have a thing for older men.”

“Uh, Mei Ling,” Solid said, “he’s a year younger than you.”

“He _looks_ like a senior. Besides, in China they say ‘Every man loves to his own taste.’” There was a short, slightly incredulous pause, then she added, “and how you _say_ it in Chinese is  萝卜青菜，各有所爱 (Luóbo qīnɡcài，ɡè yǒu suǒ ài).”

“…thanks,” Gustava said.

“So you, like, actually decided to go with him,” Holly said, “and going on more dates with him afterwards?”

“Of course!” Mei Ling said, “I think it’ll be fun. And besides, just about any girl will say yes to any guy who asks her.”

“As long as she’s not already going with someone else,” Otacon said wistfully.

Solid frowned. “Really? Any girl will do that?”

“Uh-huh,” Meryl said, “well, provided he’s not a total creep or anything. We know it takes boys a lot of courage to go up and ask someone to a dance.”

“It helps that being someone’s date to a dance doesn’t, like, mean anything,” Holly said. “You can go with him just for fun and you don’t have anything to lose but time.”

“Huh,” Solid said.

“Why is this the second time someone’s had to come out and explain social rules to you, Snake?” Fox said.

“Hey, in his defense, it was the girl code this time,” Holly said.

Either way, Solid decided to take this as some sort of hint or sign.

_~VIVE L’ANARCHIE SOCIALE~_

Solid caught up with Meryl right after school.

“Hey,” he said, “about that winter formal…”

“Yeah?” Meryl said, “what about it?”

“Do you… um, want to go to it with me?”

She blinked, then raised her eyebrows. “Wait, are you asking me on a date?”

“Uh, yeah. I’ve… kind of liked you since, I dunno, I started attending this school.”

“You have? This kind of… explains a lot, actually.”

“Well, you have a cute butt.”

She stared at him, then laughed. “Okay, Snake, that’s enough. No wonder you texted me to tell me you were still straight when you started fake-dating Otacon. Which, by the way - why _did_ you do that, anyway?”

Solid took a step back. “Um, what?”

“Well, since you two ‘broke up’ and all, it should be fine to tell me, right?” She put her hands on her hips and leaned forward slightly, her smile diminishing and her eyes serious all of a sudden. “I mean, what exactly _happened_ between the two of you? Why on earth would you fake a relationship?”

“I… can’t say. I’m pretty sure I _told_ you I can’t say, either.”

“Well, yeah, but you had to know I’d ask _eventually_.”

“…”

She straightened, frowning. “Fine, be mysterious. I guess it really isn’t any of my business… especially the part where Otacon was _definitely_ genuinely depressed for a while there that you broke up with him.”

“…….”

“I’m kind of giving you the benefit of the doubt that your relationship with him really _was_ pretend, Snake, and that you didn’t just tell me that at the time because you have a crush on me and were planning on cheating on Otacon,” Meryl said.

“I wouldn’t cheat,” Solid said.

“Good to know. I mean, if _my_ boyfriend cheated on me, I’d probably… shoot him or something, I guess. I _do_ know how to use a Desert Eagle.”

Solid had no idea where this conversation was going and he wasn’t sure if he liked it, but… well… Meryl was being pretty chill about the whole ‘I’ve liked you since I started attending this school’ thing, so… “About the winter formal, then…?”

“Oh,” Meryl said, blinking, “uh, sorry, Snake. You’re a great guy and all but Johnny asked me to it yesterday.”

“…he what.”

“Over text, during lunch. Around the time Mei Ling and Fox were convincing Otacon to ask Wolf out.”

“…oh...”

There was sort of an awkward pause.

“…buuuuuut,” Meryl said, glancing away sheepishly, “I wouldn’t mind doing a rain check sometime. I’m not going to the dance with Johnny the same way Mei Ling is going with your brother - it’s nothing serious, I’m not his girlfriend.”

“So it’s not a date?” Solid said.

“It _is_ a date. It’s just… a friend-date. Like, we’re on a date together, but as two friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend. Does that make sense?”

“No.”

Meryl rolled her eyes. “ _Men_. Anyway, I have a bus to catch. Later, Snake.”

Solid was left standing in the hallway, trying to work out what just happened.

Man. Girls were _weird_.

And how the hell did he get beat out by Johnny? Didn’t that guy have IBS? And he asked Meryl over text message where Snake had actually gone up to her in person and asked her face-to-face, shouldn’t that score him more points with her?

“Hey, Snake,” Holly said, passing by with an armful of papers. “What’re you brooding about?”

Solid sighed. “I don’t understand women.”

“Like, join the club.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll let you in on a little secret, Snake,” Holly said, “that girl code thing I mentioned earlier? It’s, like, complete nonsense. Even girls don’t get girls. Anyway, what brought this up?”

“I just asked Meryl to the winter formal,” Solid said, “but she rejected me because Johnny asked her yesterday.”

Holly gave him A Look.

“You really _don’t_ understand anything, do you, Snake?”

“…”

She shrugged, then her face brightened up. “Say, if you still want to go - why don’t you, like, take me?”

“Take you?” Solid said.

“Yeah! Y’know, just as friends if you want to. Or as a date, I don’t care.”

“A friend-date?”

“That works! You're cute enough that I wouldn’t, like, mind being seen with you, and this way you get to salvage your dignity after being rejected by Meryl even though everyone knows she has a crush on you.”

“She does??”

Holly pursed her lips. “Oops. I thought she might have, like, mentioned that. Anyway, are we on for the winter formal or not?”

“…sure.”

“Great. It’s a date ♥︎”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting to run low on ideas now... (´～｀ヾ) I want to put 2-3 more episodes between this one and the actual winter formal episode, and then start on the second semester. All I've got is a vague idea about cellphones and VQuiet, and a list of high school edutainment show clichés I've already done half of (and am unsure how to do the other half).  
> So if there's anything you'd like to see happen or think needs addressed - yes, this includes plot stuff - please comment! Get some reader involvement up in here~


	23. Take Constantinople Once Again

“It occurs to me,” Solidus said, “that Fatman’s water bottle is, in fact, not filled with water.”

“Well, no,” Fortune said.

“We don’t really care, though,” Rose said, shrugging.

“Wow, this is the least tight-knit, most callous squad I’ve ever been a part of,” Sam said, “and I used to hang out with Monsoon, Mistral, and _Sundowner_.”

“…wait,” Raiden said, “how does that even work out with the timeli-“

“Anyway,” Solidus interrupted, “if for no other reason than it would damage our reputation if Fatman got in trouble for having alcohol on school premises, I think we should do something about this.”

“But what?” Fortune said.

“It’s not like he actually has enough of a problem that we could hold an intervention,” Olga said, rolling her eyes.

“He doesn’t?” Raiden said, “I’m pretty sure that almost constant drinking totally qualifies as a problem.”

“Yes, but he’s not _drunk_ all the time.”

“Just tipsy,” Fortune said.

“Even if that makes him an alcoholic, he’s still a high-functioning alcoholic,” Rose said, “and you don’t hold interventions for _high-functioning_ alcoholics.”

“This isn’t about this well-being,” Solidus said, crossing his arms, “it’s about our reputation as a group.”

“We could just ostracize him,” Sam said, then grinned.

“You shouldn’t just ostracize your friend because he has a drinking problem,” Vamp said, appearing out of nowhere and nearly giving Raiden a heart attack.

“Yes, such cruelty would be even _worse_ for my image,” Solidus said.

“Our image, you mean,” Rose said.

Fortune sighed. “It probably doesn’t really matter, but we can take it up with… whoever his legal guardian is, I suppose. By the way, where _is_ he this morning, anyway? He’s usually very punctual.”

“He had a hangover,” Vamp said, “and overslept and missed the bus.”

“I’m not even going to ask how you know that,” Raiden said.

_~THE DAYS THAT MAKE US HAPPY MAKE US WISE~_

“Well, aireyv might have missed their chance to actually upload something on 4/20,” Octopus said over lunch, rolling his eyes, “but I need to ask anyway, for acting reference. Wolf, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done while high?”

“…I take muscle relaxants,” Wolf said, “the craziest thing I have ever done was fall asleep.”

“In a moving car,” Raven said.

“Oh, so _that’s_ why you were in a wreck over the summer,” Octopus said.

“How’d that turn out?” Liquid asked, “did you kill anyone?”

“I killed a tree,” Wolf said, “does that count?”

“No,” Mantis said.

“She was perfectly unharmed,” Raven said, “but her car was totalled and she got her license suspended for driving under the influence.”

“…don’t tell me that’s the theme of today’s episode,” Liquid said.

“We have themes?” Mantis said.

Octopus shook his head. “Anyway, that won’t work. I need something good here… what about stupid things done while drunk? Anyone got any stories about that?”

“Have you never drunk alcohol before?” Raven said.

“I have, yeah, but never enough to actually get _drunk_. I might be Mexican but I _am_ still a teenager.”

“Well, I don’t drink,” Wolf said, “it is dangerous to mix alcohol with other depressants.”

“It’s… also dangerous to abuse prescription medication,” Liquid pointed out. “Especially in a car. Anyway, I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs at all. I’m already the black sheep of the family, I don’t want to make my life any more difficult.”

“What about you, Mantis?” Octopus said.

“Do I _look_ like I drink?” Mantis said dryly.

“You look like you do heroin,” Raven said.

“What?”

“This isn’t helpful,” Octopus said.

Liquid frowned. “I caught Snake stealing Father’s whiskey once, perhaps you should ask him. Although I am fairly certain that the only thing he smokes is tobacco…”

“His friend Fox smokes pot, I think,” Wolf said.

“Of course he does.” He crossed his arms. “Hey, if I get evidence about that - do you think I could blackmail him into not blackmailing me anymore?”

“Not in this school,” Octopus said, “remember episode three: half the teachers in this school are addicts of _some_ sort.”

“Seriously, how has Skull Face not been fired yet…”

_~INSERT CARRIE UNDERWOOD LYRICS HERE~_

EVA pulled into the gas station parking lot and beep-beeped her horn.

“Eli, honey, time to go home.”

“Er, coming, Mother,” Liquid said, gathering his cards and shoving them in his jacket pocket, then quickly giving Mantis a kiss on the forehead. “See you all tomorrow.”

“Don’t forget to ask your brother that thing for me,” Octopus said.

“Of course.”

Liquid opened the passenger side door and, finding Solid there, dumped his bookbag on Solid’s lap before getting in the back seat and having his bookbag thrown at him anyway. EVA rolled her eyes and drove off.

“Took a while today,” Liquid said. “Usually you pick me up _before_ Snake’s done with his extra-credit thing.”

“I got held up in the teacher’s lounge,” EVA said.

“What happened?” Solid said.

“The semester finals have already started for the language classes, so it’s a pretty stressful time for us teachers - and Cécile has a lot more students than I do,” EVA told them, “so I don’t really _blame_ her for pulling out a bottle of wine as soon as school ended and getting completely smashed. The problem started when she drunkenly picked a fight with Kaz, so…”

“Over what?” Liquid said.

“Not entirely sure, they were talking around it. But she _did_ bring up the fact that he has HIV way too many times for it _not_ to be related to the fact that they used to be fu- I mean, friends with benefits.”

“Why is there almost as much drama with the teachers as there is with the students?” Solid said, frowning.

“Speak for yourself, brother,” Liquid said, “ _I’m_ in a stable relationship.”

“Liquid, shut up.”

“Most high school relationships don’t work out, Eli,” EVA said, “especially if you’re just, well, trying to figure out what you like. Otacon and David are still friends even after they broke up, and it wasn’t like there was any cheating or anything—“ she missed the way Solid winced at that, although Liquid didn’t, silently raising an eyebrow, “-so I wouldn’t call that _drama_ , just kids being kids. But I guess you’ll understand better when you’re older…”

They got home to find that Solidus had been locked out of the house, again.

“Well, your father just has a lot on his mind, that’s all,” EVA said lamely, half-heartedly trying to cover the fact that Big Boss had completely forgotten about Solidus yet again. At this point Solidus was so used to it it didn’t matter anyway…

Liquid walked into his room about half an hour later and immediately started bitching about Solid smoking, even though he was blowing the smoke out the window.

“Put that _out_ , Snake, you _know_ I don’t like you smoking in our room, it makes all my clothes smell like cigarettes—“

Solid grumbled, stubbing it out. Prima donna… “What do you want?”

“It’s my room, I’m allowed to come in here whenever I like. What makes you think I want something?”

“You only come in here while I’m in here if it’s either time for bed or you were just fighting with Dad, but it’s not even dinnertime yet and I didn’t hear any yelling.”

Liquid frowned. He had him there. “Alright, fine. I have some questions for you, actually.”

“I’m not going to answer them.”

“Octopus wants to know for acting reference what the craziest thing you’ve ever done drunk is,” Liquid said, ignoring Solid completely, “and I want to know if Fox really does smoke marijuana and if so how I can obtain evidence of this so I can blackmail him, and also Code Talker told me about a rumor that that thing your ex-boyfriend’s father is having idiot students build for extra credit is something wildly dangerous and/or illegal, so considering you’re one of said idiot students I thought you might know something.”

Solid stared at him.

“I don’t drink,” he finally said.

“Remember that time I caught you stealing Father’s whiskey…?”

“You can’t prove I did that more than once.”

Liquid raised an eyebrow at him.

“Also,” Solid said, “why do you think I would help you blackmail Fox? Or, better question, do you really think that weed is good blackmail material?”

“…no. I think better blackmail material would probably have something to do with why you decided to fake-date Emmerich, wouldn’t it?”

Solid went completely pale.

“Did Mantis finally tell you—?!”

Liquid didn’t answer immediately, and Solid relaxed slightly, which irritated Liquid - since he knew that Solid had correctly assumed that no, Mantis still hadn’t filled him in on all the details. “Well, there’s only a limited number of things it could _be_ , aren’t there?”

“You haven’t thought of any of them, have you?”

Liquid glowered at him.

Every time he tried to come up with a reason for why the _hell_ his brother would fake a relationship with one of his friends, all he had to go on was the fact that Mantis wasn’t comfortable talking about it - which, really, only applied to one thing — but any theory he had was ruined by the fact that Mantis had also shared that Solid was (at least at that point?) a virgin. And then Liquid would feel really weird about the fact that he was theoretically thinking about his brother’s sex life.

But seriously what the heck was up with the pretend boyfriends thing. That wasn’t normal.

“It’s none of your business, anyway,” Solid said pointedly.

“Well, I’m not done with it. I’ll figure it out eventually, or convince Mantis to tell me, or— maybe I’ll just take the matter up with Emmerich directly.”

“Don’t,” Solid said in a dangerous voice.

“That settles it, then~”

“I swear to God, Liquid, if Otacon tells me you’ve-“

**h o n k h o n k**

They both looked out the window.

“Do you recognize that car?” Liquid said.

           

“Doesn’t it belong to that janitor, Vamp?”

Meanwhile, downstairs, Solidus was putting on a coat. “I’ll be back later,” he said.

“Where are you going?” EVA said.

“Fatman’s house. I’ll be back in an hour or two. It’s very important.”

“Oh, alright. Have fun, text me if you won’t be home in time for dinner. And _don’t_ get into any trouble.”

_~LAUGHTER IS THE SHORTEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE~_

Solidus clambered into Vamp’s sketch-o van, which had Fortune in the front seat and Rose, Raiden, and Sam crammed in the backseat. The other seats were missing so Solidus had to sit on the floor.

“Where’s Olga?” he asked.

“She sends her moral support,” Fortune said.

They pulled up in front of Fatman’s house, which will be described only as being pretty normal-looking, which at least establishes that he does in fact live in a real house instead of anyone who’s been kept deliberately ambiguous so far (i.e., Mantis). Vamp knocked on the door.

Peter Stillman opened it.

“Wait, what?” Raiden said, “are you Fatman’s dad?”

“Yes,” Stillman said, because this is the worst AU ever. “He’s adopted.”

“We’re here to hold an intervention about Fatman’s drinking problem,” Fortune said, “since he’s constantly drinking wine during school.”

“I see,” Stillman said, “well, I’ll have a talk with him about it, as his father.”

And then he closed the door.

There was a kind of awkward pause.

“Well, that was anticlimactic,” Sam said.

“Now what?” Rose said.

Solidus frowned. “We hope that Fatman either listens to his father, or hides his alcoholism better.”

“I meant for us,” Rose said.

There was another pause.

“Who wants Taco Bell?” Vamp said.

_~THIS CHAPTER WAS PARTIALLY WRITTEN IN THE HARTSFIELD-JACKSON AIRPORT~_

The next morning before school Solid asked about the alleged fact that Fox smoked marijuana.

"Of course not," Fox said, "who do you think I am, Master Miller? ...I don't smoke it, I do edibles."

"And he uses synthetic marijuana," Gustava added, rolling her eyes, "because he prefers to end up in the emergency room."

Fox shrugged at Solid. "The emergency room's fun."

"...right..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. As said, this was partially written in the airport, while I was waiting for my flight to Denver (a layover on the way to Salt Lake City). In fact, I'm actually still there. I'm uploading this with "ATL Free Wi-Fi" while charging my laptop at the departure gate. :)


	24. T-T-T-T-Tele-Telephone

“So, it occurs to me,” Octopus said, playing with Liquid’s phone, “that you can tell a lot about a person by what their background is on their phone.” He held up Liquid’s phone to show everyone the lockscreen, which y’all have already seen:

“See? Liquid’s a huge sap.”

“Give me back my phone.”

“What is Mantis’ phone background?” Wolf said.

“Bugs,” Mantis said.

“Oh,” Liquid said flatly.

“That is fair. Mine is birds,” Raven said.

Wolf rolled her eyes. “ _Mine_ is a picture of my dog. With my gun.”

“Which dog?” Raven said, “you have ten.”

“Eleven,” Wolf corrected.

“I only have an ancient shitty Nokia,” Octopus said, finally giving an increasingly-pissy Liquid back his phone, “so I don’t have any good wallpapers. On the plus side, it’s completely indestructible.”

“This gives me an idea,” Wolf said, then signalled for the librarian to come over.

Raven leaned his elbow on the table, resting his chin in his hand. “Is this anything like your last twenty ideas…?”

“If we steal Saladin’s phone,” Wolf said to Quiet, ignoring Raven, “then we will have some idea of how he feels about you.”

Quiet rubbed her chin for a second, then tilted her head.

Wolf turned to Liquid. “Do you mind?”

“What?” he said.

“Stealing Saladin’s phone during football practice today. Bring it to Ms. Quiet and I.”

“…eh, why not?” He paused. “Oh, wait. There was a little, er, incident a while ago—“

“Eli got caught snapchatting in the locker room,” Mantis said.

“—so all the phones are locked in Father’s office. That’s not the problem, actually,” he said quickly, “it’s just that I won’t know which phone will be the right one. Although I’d be able to rule out my own, obviously, and Fox’s…”

“You could just check them,” Octopus said, “Saladin’s gonna be the only one with Ms. Quiet in his contacts, right?” Quiet nodded.

“Fair point…”

_~PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION IS FUCKIN’ WILD, Y’ALL~_

As Liquid said earlier, getting to Big Boss’ office during practice wasn’t actually the hard part. Nor was getting _in_ to the office the hard part, nor breaking the lock on the desk drawer where all the phones except Big Boss' were stashed (Venom put his phone up too, to be a good example or something like that, Liquid didn’t really care). So basically Liquid only had five phones to choose from, and one of them was his. And he was _pretty_ sure that the scraped-up Android was Fox’s.

He checked the lockscreen. Yeah, picture of whatsherface ice skating. Definitely his.

So that narrowed it down to three. The one with the cute phone strap was probably Meryl’s, right? _Girls like cute things_ , is what Liquid was thinking.

Which meant that of the remaining two, one was Raiden’s and one was the one he was _actually_ after. He briefly considered absconding with both the phones, but Wolf would probably make fun of him for doing that when he was specifically asked to bring _Venom’s_ phone, so with a cautious glance at the office door he turned on one of the phones.

“…?”

The FOXHOUND logo? Where the hell did FOXHOUND even fit in this AU?? And it was that stupendously goofy logo from ~~1990~~ ~~2004~~ ~~2006~~ 1999, too.

Maybe… maybe this one was Raiden’s, then? Not that that made a whole lot of sense, but in canon Raiden had way more to do with FOXHOUND than Venom did, right…? No?

Confused, Liquid turned on the other phone.

“???”

That was Raiden’s naggy girlfriend in her winter formal dress. So this had to be Raiden’s phone. Was the FOXHOUND one Venom’s? Fortunately for Liquid, it didn’t have a passcode.

It _did_ , however, have a bunch of selfies of Meryl with her uncle, Solid, Johnny Sasaki, Mei Ling and Otacon (ft. Kaz grumbling in the background), etc., etc.

So the phone Liquid was holding was Meryl’s phone after all. And the other one was obviously Raiden’s. Which meant…

Liquid slowly turned to stare at the cute phone.

“Oh my _god_ ,” he half-laughed.

He slipped Venom’s phone in his pocket and prepared to slink unobtrusively back out of Big Boss’ office and return to practice for _just_ long enough to not be suspicious, then disappear over to the library for a minute to drop the phone off with Wolf and let _her_ deal with getting it back to Venom without him noticing.

Unfortunately the hallway was currently blocked. By Big Boss. Leaning against the wall _right_ _next to_ the door of his office, struggling to light up a cigar.

Liquid closed the door again quickly and silently. _Shit shit shit_ , he thought — it was some kind of miracle that Big Boss hadn’t noticed him poke his head out just now, having been too distracted by his malfunctioning lighter. And of course, between the lighter and the cigar itself, Big Boss was going to be standing in front of his office for a looooong time, leaving Liquid completely trapped there with the seconds rapidly counting down until Venom, or worse, Fox noticed that he was taking a suspiciously long time buying something from the vending machine, and might even realize that there was _no way_ Liquid would have _actually_ forgotten that he didn’t have a penny in his wallet.

So he was going to be in big trouble if he didn’t get back to practice soon. But sneaking past Big Boss was going to be pretty much impossible, and if he actually _got caught_ in the office, well, EVA wasn’t exactly around to stop Big Boss from tearing Liquid limb from limb.

tl;dr Liquid was dead meat. _Thanks, Wolf_.

 _Oh wait_ , Liquid thought, suddenly feeling rather foolish, _I have my phone right here_.

Mantis’ phone buzzed.

“Is that your phone?” Meryl said.

“Yes,” Mantis said disinterestedly.

“It’s probably your boyfriend.”

“Yes. Probably.”

“…and it’s probably important.”

“It is probably stupid,” Mantis said, checking his phone.

Meryl frowned and turned to Raiden. “Where _is_ Liquid, anyway…? This is kind of suspicious…”

“Yeah,” Raiden said, “who knows what what kind of chaos he’s trying to create now.”

“I have to go,” Mantis said.

“And _that’s_ even _more_ suspicious,” Meryl said as Mantis walked off. “Do you think we should tell Big Boss?”

Raiden nodded. “Wait, the one with the horn, or the one that’s his dad?”

“His dad? I’m sure he’ll be better at finding him.”

So Raiden and Meryl told Venom that they were going to go find the other Big Boss, and he let them go. And then Raiden and Meryl went whining to Big Boss about how they didn’t know where Liquid was and they were sure he was probably doing something bad, and Big Boss gave up on the cigar and left the hallway.

Mantis knocked on the office door.

“You're welcome,” he said when Liquid warily opened it.

_~FOR THAT MATTER, UTAH IS JUST PLAIN SURREAL~_

Once Venom’s phone was in Wolf and Quiet’s possession, and once they were both over the fact that Venom had the most adorable, if girly, phone either of them had ever seen, Wolf flipped it open and Quiet frowned.

“Well, with this kind of phone I am not surprised that the wallpaper is a default one,” Wolf said, “but I think if there is no background then we should just look in pictures.”

Quiet nodded, grabbing the phone and clicking over the photos taken with the crappy little phone camera… and frowned again.

They were all pictures of DD.

All of them.

All of them!! Every last one!

Quiet sighed deeply, handing the phone back to Wolf. No pictures of her on there after all. Guess that kind of settled it, didn’t it…?

“Wait a minute,” Wolf said, still scrolling. “Look at this.”

“See?”

Quiet made the :| face. Venom having a picture of her on his phone didn’t really mean much if DD was also in it, considering he had 200+ other pictures of DD on his phone, too.

Then she noticed the photo was actually favorited, unlike any of the others ones, and smiled slightly.

It wasn’t definitive, but it was definitely a good sign.

“ _Progress_ ,” Wolf said to herself.

_~WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS, I’LL NEVER BE SOUTHERN AGAIN~_

The next morning someone actually bothered to ask if Mantis ‘distracting’ Big Boss by using Raiden and Meryl to send Big Boss on a hunt for Liquid actually worked out in Liquid’s favor. It did, considering Liquid managed to evade him until he rejoined the football team in the gym, at which point Big Boss’ growled accusations of what Liquid was _actually_ doing when he disappeared for like ten minutes were successfully deflected by Venom, who said Big Boss was being too hard on him and he had practice to do instead of getting yelled at.

“There’s no way Mantis knew it was going to work out like that,” Octopus snarked.

“Of course he did,” Liquid said defensively. “He wouldn’t _try_ to get me in trouble. Right, Mantis?”

“Mm.”

“That’s not a real answer,” Octopus said.

Liquid frowned. Admittedly, Mantis _was_ kind of a cold, passive-aggressive dick.

Mantis sighed and tossed his phone at Liquid. “Here,” he said.

“What?”

“Just look.”

Octopus, Raven, and Wolf all peered over Liquid’s shoulders as he turned on the phone — the lockscreen and other assorted wallpapers were all pictures of [these handsome fellas](http://imgur.com/gallery/35DXO), but when Liquid went to the photos folder…

He went bright red.

There were dozens of pictures of Liquid napping, on the couch, under desks, in the backseat of EVA’s car during classes. All taken entirely without Liquid’s knowledge, and all with a noticeable focus on Liquid’s peaceful sleeping face.

Wolf laughed first. “That is _adorable_ ,” she said.

“I guess Mantis is a sap, too,” Octopus said, snickering. Mantis rolled his eyes.

“This must be the lesson of today’s episode,” Raven said, “that while you can tell a lot about a person by their lockscreen, you can tell even _more_ about them by what is on their camera roll.”

“What does it mean if yours is filled with memes, then?” Octopus said.

“I do not know. I think that is outside the scope of the lesson.”

And Liquid was still sitting there, staring at the phone in shock and blushing. Wolf patted his shoulder.

“We are never going to let you live this down,” she promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raiden's phone screen was drawn by [Kairo](http://hyomandibulae.tumblr.com/post/122932073530/mgr), who gave permission for me to crop and edit it. Thank you, Kairo!  
> The picture of Quiet and DD was [evidently drawn by @bosskazelot on Instagram](https://twitter.com/mgoleague/status/660060205896613888), although I was unable to get in contact with them myself as their Insta page appears to have been deleted...? bosskazelot, if you're out there, let me know if you want me to replace the picture.


	25. T-T-T-T-Tele-Telephone (OMAKE)

 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FORGOT TO INCLUDE THIS JOKE IN THE ORIGINAL CHAPTER, SORRY EVERYONE


	26. Now is the Winter Formal of Our Discontent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I am serving a mission now (a part-time mission, which means I'm working eight hours a day, five days a week), so that really cuts into my fanfic-writing time, lmao...  
> Special thank you to Metsamies, who gave me suggestions for the afterparty!! And shout-out to Nagat, who requested Solidus fluff in the comments section of You're Never Gonna Believe This!

Ah yes. The weekend.

_~~Homecoming~~ Winter formal_ weekend.

“Where did the rest of the year go?” EVA sighed as she fixed Solid’s tie. “Seriously, you’d think we would have had a Halloween episode or something between the pilot and the semester finale. I don’t think aireyv knows how to pace things.”

“I don’t think aireyv knows how to _write_ ,” Solid said. “Are you almost done?”

“Yes, David. Honestly… _George_ tied his _own_ tie, you know, and he even did it properly.”

Speaking of George, Solidus was currently waiting by the door, impatiently tapping his foot. Solid rolled his eyes.

“Do we _have_ to take the same car?” he said for the dozenth time.

“For the dozenth time, yes,” EVA said, “you have to take your father’s car, because Eli’s using mine and it’d be a faux pas for you boys to have your dates pick you up.”

“Is it not a faux pas to have another couple accompany you?” Solidus said.

“No, that’s called a double date, and carpooling is good for the environment. So stop whining.”

“What is Liquid even _doing_ with Mom’s car,” Solid muttered.

“He went out with Mantis this afternoon,” EVA said. “He mentioned something about ice cream.”

“Ice cream?”

“It’s thirty-five degrees out,” Solidus said.

“They say ice cream is better in the winter,” EVA said, giving Solid’s tie one last adjustment then stepping back. “I mean, I don’t know _who_ says that, but apparently some people say that.”

“But nevermind that. Where’s the afterparty at?” EVA continued.

“Dr. Strangelove’s house, I guess since she’s a teacher,” Solid said, then frowned. “That means Otacon will probably be there, even though he’s not going to the dance itself.”

“The afterparty should be over by eleven,” Solidus said.

“Mm. Which means, I suppose, I can expect to see you two again at one or two in the morning,” EVA said. “David, do you have your house keys?”

“Yup.”

“Alright, then. Now, both of you, have fun, stay out of trouble, and when you get to Strangelove’s house, keep an eye on your dates.”

“Okay,” Solid said.

“…wait, why-?“ Solidus started, but then Solid walked out the door and he had to follow, still mildly confused about why they might wanna be wary when they bring their female dates to the Queen of Sexual Harassment’s house.

_~WHY IS IT SO FUCKING COLD IN UTAH INM A Y~_

At that moment, a few streets over at Wolf’s house, there was also stuff going on.

“…this seems racist,” Raven said.

“Nah,” Octopus said, “it’s fine. I’m not white.”

Octopus had, as he said he would, disguised himself as Raven. Perfectly. Like, it was unreal, he looked exactly like him - down to the skin tone, which was exactly why it seemed vaguely racist, considering he replicated Raven’s dark skin via a _lot_ of costume makeup. Jury’s still out on how exactly he was able to imitate Raven’s height and buffness…

“You look just like him,” said Wolf, who looked totally fantastic in her dress, “impressive as always.”

“Thank you,” Octopus said in Raven’s voice.

“This is just unsettling,” Raven said.

“I didn’t even know something like that could be _done_ ,” Liquid said from over where he was kicked back on Wolf’s couch, methodically stripping the wood off a stained popsicle stick. “It’s incredible, Octopus.”

“This is hardly the first time he has done it,” Mantis said.

“Anyway, when’s the afterparty? It’s at Dr. Strangelove’s house, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Wolf said, “I have heard that there will be snacks.”

“And drinks? A punch bowl, perhaps?”

“Don’t know yet,” said Octopus, hereafter referred to as Decoy Raven, in his normal voice, “why?”

“No reason.”

“Well, it starts at nine, when the dance is supposed to be over. Goes until eleven.”

“Which means no one will be getting home until two or three in the morning,” Raven said, “which is part of the reason why I cannot come to the winter formal.”

“Speaking of that,” Wolf said, glancing at the clock, “shouldn’t you be going now?”

“Yes, I should. Octopus, do not do anything that will damage my reputation.”

“I think your reputation’s already been damaged enough by hanging out with us,” Decoy Raven said. “Granted, ever since Liquid started coming to Kojima High, our image has _kind of_ shifted away from just being those guys who play Magic: The Gathering all the time…”

“I think it is an improvement,” Wolf said.

“Yes, starting fights at Emmerich’s animé club twice certainly gave the student body reason to respect us,” Mantis said dryly.

Raven left, and Wolf went to go grab her purse, which everyone knows is just a glorified carrying-case for her diazepam. Liquid and Mantis also stood up, because it’s awkward to hang out at someone’s house when that someone is off somewhere else.

“What exactly are you two going to be doing during the dance?” Decoy Raven asked.

Liquid shrugged. “Mantis mentioned taking a drive around the outskirts of town,” he said.

“I wanted to do that after the party, though,” Mantis said, “there was a movie I’d like to see beforehand…”

“Oh, you should have mentioned it earlier. I would have asked Mother for money for tickets.”

“I will pay,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“Well, you two had better go, then,” Decoy Raven said in Raven’s voice again as Wolf walked back into the room, “if the film ends around the time the afterparty starts, then it should be beginning in not too long.”

“Traffic might be bad if you drive by the school on the way to the theater,” Wolf said, “I hope you do not mind missing previews.”

“I could not care less about previews,” Mantis said.

“Well, either way, all four of us need to get going,” Liquid said, pulling out EVA’s car keys. “We’ll see you two at Strangelove’s house.”

“Likewise,” Wolf said.

_~MICROWAVE DINNERS ARE THE TRUE DEPRESSION MEAL~_

Kojima High, the gym. It was decorated - surprisingly well - and there was a DJ, which here means a couple big speakers scattered around and a table with a Macbook and Vamp, who was in charge of music for some reason. There were also “refreshments” provided by the school, which meant there was a table with a bunch of those little bottled waters.

And nothing else.

_And_ there was adult supervision aside from Vamp: The Pain, The Fear, The Fury, and The Sorrow (arguably the most responsible one there), and Venom, and Amanda had come because Chico needed a ride and she got roped into it, The Boss was supposed to stop by later, and Kaz and Ocelot were arguing in the hallway right outside the gym.

“-—the one who _gave_ me it, so that makes it _your_ fault Cécile and Paz and Amanda won’t-“

“What, do you think I gave you HIV on purpose to force you to be monogamous?”

“That sounds like something you’d do,” Kaz scoffed.

Ocelot rolled his eyes. “I suppose I can’t exactly dispute that, but tell me, Miller, why the hell would I want to be monogamous with _you?_ ”

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

“What is your big issue with monogamy lately, anyway? Do you think I’m trying to get you to marry me or something?”

“Like hell I’d marry a guy who still lives in his parents’ basement.”

“Wh— I only moved back in with them because my job got transferred to this school and it was the cheapest rent! Besides, I’m not actually supposed to live on my own - I have a medical condition.”

“I swear to God, Ocelot, if the next words out of your mouth are ‘chronic backstabbing disorder’…”

They were interrupted before any more jokes could be made about a webcomic from fucking 2003; students were starting to arrive. Among them were Fortune with her previously unmentioned boyfriend, Something-or-other Jackson, and Olga and _her_ previously unmentioned boyfriend who is not even going to get a name (she had initially planned on not coming, but EVA offered to ~~play Overwatch with~~ watch Sunny), and an already-ready-to-call-it-a-night Raiden with both Rose and Sam in tow. Gustava was here with Fox although Fox was completely shameless in wearing beat-up athletic shoes with his suit, Meryl was with Johnny, and the only one here who knew that Decoy Raven was, well, Decoy Raven was Wolf. Also, the entire B &B Corps was here, and they all looked very nice in their dresses, and extremely lost with Mantis nowhere around.

Solid and Solidus got kind of sidetracked when picking up Mei Ling, since this was the first time Solidus had met her parents and _man_ , you know how _Chinese_ parents are (as in, they probably would have chased the two off their property if Mei Ling hadn’t explained to them that the boys’ mom was born and raised in China herself), but after that they’d successfully found Holly’s house, so they eventually showed up slightly late with their respective dates.

Fatman also showed up for some reason. He came stag.

“I thought you said you never come to these things,” Fortune said dryly.

Fatman shrugged. “I thought it might be fun!…this time.”

“You have something planned, don’t you?” Olga said.

“Maybe~”

“Well, I for one am always ready to die,” Sam said.

So the party started. It’s at this point that I feel the need to point out that I, personally, have never actually been to a school function like this (when prom rolled around my senior year, I went to Mormon Prom™ with my then-girlfriend and yeah okay it’s a long story) and lame Disney Channel high school movies _always_ seem to have the main character show up when things have already gotten underway. So I have no idea how a school dance actually _gets_ started. If you, the reader, _do_ know, feel free to fill in the necessary procedures yourself. If you’re like me, and you don’t, well… join me in the assumption that it starts with Vamp hitting the ‘play’ button on his Macbook.

“…is that Darude’s ‘Sandstorm’?” Wolf said.

“Sounds more like [a remix](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1awLe5Q7oAY),” Decoy Raven said.

“Hm.”

The song hit its famous drop and the generic students no one actually gave a shit about started dancing or whatever it is they do at school formals. Fortune, Olga, Fox and Gustava, etc. were all included in this, although it’s probably worth noting that Fox was intentionally dancing as badly and disruptive-to-other-couples-ly as possible. Of course, before the song was over he got bored with that and started doing this number:

—while Gustava shook her head, pretended she didn’t know him, and quietly rejoined the sidelines with the other main characters.

“For the last time, _I_ don’t _know_ any dances that three people can do,” Raiden was grumbling.

“I do,” Sam said. Again, probably.

“So? I don’t want to learn how to dance from _you_.”

“Oh, come on, Jack,” Rose said, “it’ll be fun!”

“Nuh-uh.”

A few feet to the left of them, Solidus and Mei Ling were awkwardly eyeing each other. Were they going to dance? Were they going to do a _slow_ dance? Were they going to have a magical evening??

A few feet to the left of _them_ , Holly put her hands on her hips and said to Solid, “well, aren’t we going to dance?”

“Uh,” Solid said, “eventually, I guess.”

“Do you know even, like, know how to dance?”

“I can only sort of hear the music over the sound of ~~bees~~ hornets,” Solid said, gesturing to The Pain, who was standing nearby, drinking one of the little water bottles and being adult supervision.

“They’re not _that_ loud,” The Pain said, “you’re just making excuses.”

“I bet he doesn’t know how,” Johnny interjected.

“Why would I have _learned_ …?” Solid said.

“It’s an important life skill,” Holly said, “I can totally teach you, but if you ask me it’s best to start with slow dances.”

“Yeah, they’re easier,” Johnny said.

“If you want to dance, Holly, you could always dance by yourself,” Meryl pointed out, “at least until a slow song comes on so you can teach Snake how to waltz.”

“Good idea,” Holly said, then turned to Gustava, who was standing on the other side of The Pain. “Hey, you wanna hit the dance floor while Fox is being obnoxious?”

“Sure,” Gustava said.

“I’ll come with you,” Mei Ling volunteered.

So the girls went off to do that girl thing that girls do where they all dance in an awkward circle and are eventually joined by other girls. (Hey, I said I never went to _school_ dances, not _church_ dances. I have _some_ experience, although I think a Deacon Shuffle™ joke would probably go over most of y’all’s heads.)

“Did your date just steal my date?” Solidus said. Solid shrugged.

“How come you took Holly as your date, anyway, Snake?” Meryl said.

“She asked me,” Solid said.

“Does she like you?” Johnny said. “Like, like like you?”

“Do _you_ like _her?_ ” Meryl demanded.

“Um… we’re just friends,” Solid said. “We’re on a friend-date.”

“There’s no such thing as a friend-date,” Johnny said wisely. “That’s just something girls say when they’re kind of embarrassed about taking a guy on a real date.”

“Meryl said she was taking _you_ on a friend-date,” Solid said.

“What?”

“It’s not just something girls say to avoid embarrassment,” Meryl said, “friend-dates are a thing.”

“I thought this was a real date!”

“So what Otacon said about you having a crush on Johnny was true, Meryl?” Solid said.

Meryl made a face. “What was _Otacon_ doing saying I-“

“Wait, he said that?” Johnny said. “Meryl…?”

“Uh—-“ Meryl blushed. “Well, I mean, we’ve known each for a while, right, Akiba? So…”

“But what about Snake? I thought you had a crush on _him!_ …uh.”

“Holly already mentioned it to me,” Solid said, unruffled. Or unsurprised, anyway.

“What?!” Meryl said, “hey! She said she wouldn’t tell!”

“She thought you already told me…”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Johnny said, “you actually _do_ have a thing for Snake?!”

“You just said she did,” Solid said, “doesn’t that mean you already knew?”

“Well, yeah, I mean, I _suspected_ it, but…”

Meryl was still bright red. “It’s not weird to like two people at the same time,” she said.

Johnny frowned. “I guess… what do you think, Snake?”

“The only person _I_ like is Meryl,” Solid said.

Meryl and Johnny both exchanged a glance that _clearly_ said they didn’t believe that.

“What?” Solid said, “who else would there be?”

“Huh… I guess you _did_ break up with Otacon already…” Johnny said.

“I still think you should tell me what exactly happened between the two of you,” Meryl said, with a significant look.

“Meryl,” Solid started, then shook his head. “Anyway, Johnny,” he said, unsubtly changing the subject, “is there anyone else you like?”

“Looking to get rid of the competition, Snake?” Johnny said.

“This isn’t a competition!” Meryl insisted.

“Meryl’s the only one I like,” Johnny said, putting an arm around her shoulder, by which I mean he hoverhanded her.

“And she took _me_ to the winter formal, not you.”

“I said this isn’t a competition!”

“Meryl, didn’t you only take him because he asked you first?” Solid said, although he was still kind of addressing Johnny.

“Well, yeah, but—“

“And you said this was just a date as friends.”

“That wasn’t what she told me!” Johnny said, “granted, she didn’t really call it a _romantic_ date, either…”

“But it all worked out anyway, right?” Meryl said, “Snake just went with Holly instead! So now all four of us are at the dance! So it doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, he came with her as a ‘friend-date’,” Johnny said, making air quotes.

“I mean,” Solid said, “we _are_ just friends, so…”

“Are you sure she sees it that way?”

“I’m not really interested in her…”

“But she is cute, right, Snake?” Meryl said.

“Yeah, but I think you’re cuter.”

“Hey,” Johnny said, “don’t hit on my date.”

“Dude, you asked her to the dance over _text message_. At least _I_ actually went up and asked her face-to-face.”

“-—but I already agreed to go with Johnny by that point!” Meryl protested.

“This is kind of fun to watch,” Solidus said, drinking from one of the little water bottles.

“Yup,” The Pain said.

The current song ended and a slow one started up. Holly (and Mei Ling) came back just in time for Johnny and Solid to essentially ask Meryl which one she liked better by simultaneously asking her to dance.

“…oh, hi, Holly,” Meryl said very loudly instead of answering. “Didn’t you say you were gonna teach Snake how to waltz?”

“Yep,” Holly said, grabbing Solid’s arm, a little too tightly to not be pointed.

“I guess this means I’m dancing with you, then,” Johnny said, grinning.

“Actually, I think I’d rather sit this one out,” Meryl said.

Johnny opened his mouth to protest but just then an IBS attack thankfully removed him from the scene. Geez Johnny is a shit character. No pun intended.

“Are we going to dance this one, Solidus?” Mei Ling said.

“…yes,” Solidus said.

So with the exception of Meryl, who remained on the sidelines and eventually struck up an awkward conversation with Wolf, who was popping diazapams and chilling with Decoy Raven without either of them paying any attention to the music, everyone got on (or got back on) the dance floor.

“So you put your hand on my waist,” Holly instructed, “and I put my hand on your shoulder, and then we kind of go in a square.”

“Like this?” Solid said.

[(Please watch this vaguely racist video.)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSUEZanH3D0)

“Yeah,” Holly said, “more or less. By the way, Snake…”

“Huh?”

“It’s, like, totally a dick move to argue with someone about another girl while your date is on the dance floor by herself ♪” Her hand tightened on his shoulder.

“Uhhh……… sorry….?”

The music suddenly stopped with a convenient record scratch sound.

“Excuse me,” Vamp said, blatantly breathing too close to the mic, “but whose fucking monkey is this?”

Everyone turned to look at him. There was, in fact, a fucking monkey sitting next to his laptop. Said fucking monkey was bald (shaved? what?) and was wearing a strange, shiny diaper, over which was the top half of a comically small tuxedo.

The monkey raised its arms and screeched.

“Friggin’ _Drebin_ ,” Fox muttered under his breath as all hell broke loose.

“Who?” said Raiden, from nearby.

“The school arms dealer,” Gustava explained.

“I thought Fox was the school arms dealer,” Raiden said, “I mean, he definitely dealt some arms to me, twice.”

“…wait,” Sam said, “why the hell does this school have a designated arms dealer? And why does he have a monkey??”

“I don’t know and I don’t want to know,” Rose said firmly.

The students screaming agitated the monkey, which continued screeching and jumped off of Vamp’s table and into the crowd. The Fear was selected to wrangle the monkey. It seemed fitting.

He whipped out a crossbow.

“ _THE FEARRRRRRRRRR_ ”

“I hate this school,” Solid said.

“You don’t mean that,” Holly said.

“I do and I want to move back to wherever the hell we were living before we came here.”

“Yeah, well, aireyv never, like, made it clear where you lived before you moved here, so…”

“I don’t even know where _here_ is, Holly, what state are we in?”

“I have nooooo idea.”

“Oh my gooooooooood,” some student yelled à la _Troll 2_ , “the monkey’s attacking the fourth wall!”

_~TROLL 2 WAS A LITERAL MASTERPIECE ACTUALLY~_

Through a series of hilarious off-screen shenanigans, Little Gray (that is, the cutscene-ruining monkey) was eventually caught by The Fear, possibly after taking a few crossbow bolts to its hairless chest. The student body very tentatively returned to socialization with very much the air of a still-slightly-spooked herd of cattle that had only just stopped stampeding.

Vamp’s song selection did not help.

“ ** _Shot through the heart! And yo~u’re to~ blaaaaaame!!_** ”

“Do you think that monkey is still… alive?” Decoy Raven said.

“Monkey?” Wolf said. “I thought that was a weird diazepam-induced hallucination.”

“Diazepam makes you hallucinate?”

“No. That is why I thought it was weird.”

Around the end of the song, Fatman checked his watch.

“Expecting something, Fatman?” Fortune (who was taking a break from dancing while her boyfriend was getting them water) asked.

“You could say that~”

“….well,” Fortune said at length, “this should be interesting.”

Meanwhile, a new song was starting up. A slow one. A nice, romantic one, the title and lyrics of which will be left out so that you, the reader, can imagine the schmoopiest song you know and insert it here. (For those with no imagination, just use [Elvis Presley’s “Can’t Help Falling In Love”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGJTaP6anOU), it’s good.)

It was time for the cliché spotlight dance.

Solidus and Mei Ling twirled together underneath the soft gym lights and paper streamers, staring deep into each others’ eyes, the rest of the world falling away. Mei Ling was a pretty good dancer on her own, and Solidus, perhaps unsurprisingly, was very deft on his feet and, perhaps surprisingly, actually had asked EVA to teach him how to dance before tonight. They moved without awkwardness or second-guessing, simply anticipating the other’s steps and smiling softly at one another.

“So, Solidus,” Mei Ling said, “what made you decide to ask me to the winter formal, anyway?”

“I thought it would be expected of me to attend school functions, since I’m the student body president, and I was told I needed a date,” Solidus said, “so I asked Snake if he thought any of his friends closer to my age would be willing to go with me, and he suggested you.”

“Oh.”

There was a slightly awkward pause, then Solidus said, “but originally I was only planning on asking you to the dance. I had no interest in pursuing any kind of relationship afterwards, be it friendship or something more.”

“Huh?” Mei Ling said, “but when you asked me, you said I could be student body first lady if I wanted to.”

“Yes,” Solidus said, “when I went to Dr. Emmerich’s classroom to ask you, and saw you — well, I’d seen you before, of course,” he added somewhat sheepishly, “in the hallways, and at my brother’s lunch table, but…”

“But?”

“Well…”

He spun her suddenly, then pulled her into a dip.

“I was struck by your beauty and poise, Mei Ling.”

Mei Ling went pink. “Oh, Solidus…”

“Are you still interested in being student body first lady?”

“That means being your girlfriend, right?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, of course! I- I want to be your girlfriend, Solidus.”

They smiled at each other. The last few, slow strains of the song played.

And something was… off.

Something… _beeping_.

Fatman checked his watch again.

“It’s almost time,” he said.

“What on earth is that?” said The Sorrow as the beeping started to get faster.

“Sounds like fun,” said The Fury.

Vamp didn’t play the next song, and the student population was collectively looking around in a borderline panic as the beeping started to reach a crescendo.

“Three,” Fatman said gleefully, “two…”

“Uh,” Olga said. “Fatman, you-“

“One~!!”

There was a sudden burst of confetti from somewhere in the ceiling. The Sorrow hit the gym’s light switch, illuminating them.

The Boss was hanging upside-down from the rafters, next to a partially-dismantled bomb bolted to one of the beams, holding a screwdriver and looking very ‘I’m not angry with you, just disappointed’.

“A confetti bomb?” Raiden said to Fatman.

“N…not originally,” Fatman groused.

“I think it’s about time for the party to end,” The Boss said sternly, “everyone, go home.”

_~NOW’S WHEN THE FUN REALLY STARTS~_

Strangelove was relaxing in her room, wearing a fluffy nightie that just _screamed_ ‘seventies’ and sharing a glass of red wine with the Boss AI installed on her laptop, when her son knocked on the door.

“What is it, Hal?” she said.

“People are starting to arrive for the winter formal afterparty,” Otacon said, opening the door halfway, “but it’s kind of early. Really early, actually. What should I do?”

Strangelove sighed. “Why did I agree to host that thing…?”

“Because you thought it would score you points with The Boss,” Otacon said.

“…”

“He has a point, Doctor,” the Boss AI chimed in.

“Hush. Let them in, Hal, it wasn’t as though we were planning on decorating or anything. You can get one of your friends to help you set up the snacks and punch bowl, you know where everything is.”

“Okay.”

“Let me know if there’s an issue or I need to run to the store for anything. But other than that, keep the students out of my hair.”

“No problem, Mom.”

He closed the door again, and Strangelove sighed again. Dramatically.

“He’s a good kid,” the Boss AI commented.

“Of course he is, Joy; I credit your influence…”

So anyway downstairs, Otacon was letting everyone into the house with an awkward smile. Since Strangelove’s house was actually within walking distance of the school, most people had just left their cars there (well, those that drove, anyway - the underclassmen had all gotten rides one way or the other). Not every student was going to the afterparty - in fact, it was, by sheer coincidence, pretty much just the named characters. Because, you know. We actually care about those ones. Also, a couple people have been irrelevant up until now (and will remain largely irrelevant in this episode anyway) also came over: three junior girls named Diane, Ellen Madnar, and Nastasha Romanenko (who was a vague acquaintance of Otacon’s anyway), Nastasha’s senior boyfriend Richard “Nice mullet, asshole” Ames, and two freshmen that Sam had mentioned before, a meme-loving fuck named Monsoon and a girl with like 20 arms named Mistral.

Although, Fatman had been detained at the school over the whole 'attempting to bomb a school function' thing, and Solidus and Mei Ling were nowhere to be seen. (Also, Chico wasn't there because the author forgot about him.)

“Oh, they took Dad’s car and went off somewhere,” Solid said when Otacon asked where they were, “I think they were going to go hot chocolate at McDonald’s. Holly and I are just going to have to get a ride with Liquid…”

“Huh? Is he here?” Otacon glanced around. “…looks like he isn’t.”

“Well, the afterparty started, like, way before it was supposed to,” Holly said, “so if he was planning on coming to this, he’s gonna be like an hour late.”

“I hope he doesn’t cause any trouble…”

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t,” Solid assured him.

“Thanks, Snake. By the way, can you help me set up this folding table?”

“Hey, I’ll help, too,” Meryl said, walking over, “Snake and I will handle the table, you go get the snacks and stuff, Otacon. Johnny, go help Otacon.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

So the party was set up and sort of started, and more kicked it off when Sam found Strangelove’s gigantic cabinet of sci-fi movies and after a moderate amount of squabbling, they put on _2001: A Space Odyssey_ because Otacon said it was “decent, I guess, at least for the part with the evil supercomputer” and Wolf said it was a great film to watch while high. (No one commented on the fact that she was, in fact, currently high.)

“I kind of wanted to watch The Lathe of Heaven,” Rose said, “I heard it was really good, but I’ve never seen it before…”

“If you ask me, Akira or Ghost In The Shell would have been better,” Otacon said, “but I don’t mind watching 2001.”

“Do you think we’ll have enough time to watch Blade Runner after this?” Fortune said. (Disclaimer: the author has seen literally none of these movies, because they pretty much live under a rock. I want to, though…)

“If you ask me, if we’re going to watch a Kubrick film, we should watch Dr. Strangelove,” Nastasha said, even though nobody had asked her, “it has a good anti-nuke message.” (I _have_ seen _this_ film, multiple times~)

So it was actually pretty chill, watching movies, talking, drinking punch, and eating chips. About twenty minutes later later Liquid and Mantis showed up. They had left the movie theater early because Decoy Raven texted them to tell them the winter formal had ended early, and Liquid was a dick who doesn’t turn off his phone during movies, and the movie turned out to be pretty lame anyway.

“Okay,” Liquid said, hands on his hips, “I came here to crash a party, and all you’re doing is watching a movie.”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Decoy Raven said.

Liquid frowned. “Hey, Emmerich,” he said, “where’s the stereo?”

“We’re using it for surround-sound,” Otacon said.

“Ah.”

“Honestly, this isn’t so bad,” Mantis said, settling on the couch next to Wolf, “I have not actually seen this before. …I like the soundtrack.”

“Hm. Well, anyway…” Liquid wandered off in the direction of the snacks table, and, keeping an eye on the group of students lazing around in front of the TV, pulled a bottle of Everclear out of his jacket and turned to the punchbowl.

Only to find Fox standing right across from him.

“Er.”

Fox raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you remember how I told you how if you ever cause trouble again, I’m telling Big Boss the real reason why you broke my nose?”

“I… well…”

There was a tense pause, then Fox laughed and waved him off. “Ah, forget it. I meant trouble for _me_ , I mean, I let you get away with fighting at Otacon’s animé club again, didn’t I?”

“Hey, that time it wasn’t my fault!”

“Yeah, sure. Anyway, I’d be a hypocrite if I actually got on your case about trying to spike the punch.” He pulled a bottle of Everclear out of his own jacket, and they both grinned.

A couple yards away, Mantis muttered to Wolf and Decoy Raven that it might be a good idea to just stick to water tonight. Behind the couch, one of the B&B Corps made a confused, plaintive wail.

Alcohol is, of course, the great liver-killing social lubricant, although for the time being no one was really drunk, or even tipsy, or had in fact even noticed that the punch was _different_ somehow. (Some people hadn’t even _drank_ the punch yet.) But the atmosphere of the party had changed nonetheless, and more and more everyone was starting to ignore the movie and just talk amongst themselves.

“I know!” Sam said, “we should play a game. A party game.”

“Like what?” Meryl said. “A card game, maybe?”

“Apples to Apples?” Ellen said.

“Cards Against Humanity?” Diane suggested.

“No, something more like, say… spin the bottle?”

“ _No_ ,” Raiden said immediately.

“How about truth or dare?” Decoy Raven said.

“That’s just cliché enough to work,” Gustava said, rolling her eyes.

Fox scoffed. “You know what’s better than truth or dare? Dare or get out.”

“I second the motion,” Mistral said.

“I think the ‘truth’ part’s the fun one, personally,” Meryl said, glancing at both Solid and Johnny.

“Yeah,” Holly said, “I’ll go first. Snake—“

“I’m not playing,” Solid said immediately.

“Oh, come on. It’s fun!”

“You didn’t come to a party just to be anti-social, did you, brother?” Liquid taunted.

Solid grumbled. “Okay, what?”

“Truth or dare?”

Somehow Solid knew exactly where Holly was going to go with this if he picked truth. “Dare,” he said.

Holly pursed her lips slightly, then pulled a tube of lipstick out of her purse and tossed it at him. “Draw a cat on your face,” she said, “no mirrors.”

“…honestly, it would look terrible even if I could use a mirror,” Solid said, uncapping the lipstick, since it seemed harmless enough.

 

“What the heck is _that?_ ” Fox said.

“A cat. I go next, don’t I?”

“Yes,” Olga said.

“…Wolf, truth or dare?”

“I’m not playing,” Wolf said.

“Truth,” Mantis said, “ask her a question.”

“Mantis just spoke for me,” Wolf said, “ask _him_ a question.”

Solid looked between the two of them for a moment, then said, “Mantis: Just what the hell do you see in Liquid, anyway?”

“Hey!” Liquid said loudly before Mantis could answer (not that he particularly look liked he was _going_ to answer), “relationship questions are off-limits!”

“ _Nothing_ is off-limits!” Monsoon yelled, jumping up.

“It just wouldn’t be fun that way,” Fortune agreed. “Truth or dare or get out.”

“This is going to end well…” Ames muttered.

“Just answer the question, Mantis,” Decoy Raven said.

Mantis shrugged. “I am easily attracted to negativity, and between his fragile ego, his daddy issues, and his hair-trigger temper, Eli provides plenty of that.”

Liquid hung his head. “That’s so back-handed…”

“Besides, he likes me,” Mantis went on, “and since I am psychic, being around someone who genuinely likes me is always a plus.”

“Wouldn’t it be a plus for someone who isn’t psychic, anyway…?” Johnny said.

“Oh well,” Rose said, “your turn, then.”

“Hmmm…” Mantis looked around, and his eyes briefly settled on Otacon (Solid seemed to be the only one who noticed all the blood draining out of Otacon’s face at that), then he glanced away. “Jack,” he said, “truth or dare?”

Et cetera, et cetera. This continued for some time, and cliché as this fic is we are _not_ returning to a fanfic trend rarely seen since 2007. Gradually the atmosphere got more and more… unrestrained, and following Olga’s boyfriend’s dare for Gustava and Fox to see how long they could kiss before having to come up for air leading to the two of them just kind of disappearing somewhere upstairs, everything started to go a little off the rails.

“Okay, Holly,” Meryl said, “truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Holly said immediately, because the last dare Meryl had given was to arm-wrestle with her, which had very nearly lead to Fortune’s boyfriend’s shoulder getting dislocated.

“How do you really feel about Snake?”

“Oooh,” oooh’d Sam, Mistral, Monsoon, Fortune, and Decoy Raven at the same time.

“What do you mean?” Holly said.

“It’s not a hard question,” Meryl said, “how do you _really_ feel about him? You asked him on a date - it this really just a friend-date?”

“Of course it’s just a friend-date!” Holly said, “I mean, I’d, like, never dream of horning in on your territory, Meryl!”

“What do you mean, ‘her territory’?” Johnny said, “she and Snake aren’t dating!”

“Yeah, she just has a crush on him and everyone knows it,” Diane said.

“And everyone also knows she has a crush on Akiba, too,” Olga said disinterestedly.

“This isn’t about me!” Meryl said, “I’m asking _Holly_ a question, thank you.”

“Well,” Holly said, “uh…”

“Are friend-dates even a real thing?” Liquid said.

“No,” said all the girls present, excepting Meryl, Holly, and B&B Corps (who seemed largely incapable of coherent speech, although they did all make sounds that definitely didn’t sound affirmative).

“Well, if they _aren’t_ ,” Johnny said, “then it doesn’t matter how Holly feels about Snake, because Meryl’s already gone on a date with _me_.”

“To a school dance,” Fortune pointed out.

“Going to a school dance with someone doesn’t actually mean anything,” Wolf said.

“…I thought you _just said_ that friend-dates were not a real thing,” Decoy Raven said.

“They are not,” Wolf said, shaking her head, “but going to a school dance together does not qualify as a _date_ unless you do something before or after it.”

“Like getting hot chocolate at McDonald’s?” Raiden said.

“Exactly. So do not get any ideas, Oct- Raven,” she said. Decoy Raven shrugged.

“See?” Meryl said, “Wolf’s right. School dances don’t qualify as a real date.”

“…hey, Meryl,” Johnny said, “do you want to go get-“

“No.”

“If they don’t qualify as a real date,” Holly said, “then why are you, like, so concerned about how I feel about Snake?”

“She’s avoiding the question,” Rose said.

“…yo, Mantis,” Sam said, “if you’re psychic, why don’t you just—“

“I prefer watching everyone argue over it for now,” Mantis said.

“Meaning he’ll reveal Holly’s secret the moment it becomes more entertaining for him to do so,” Liquid said.

“Exactly.”

Holly flushed. “What?! No fair!”

“Oh, now she’s going all red,” Ellen said, “Solid Snake is pretty popular, huh…”

“If it makes you feel any better, White,” Diane said brightly, “you and Meryl aren’t the only ones who think Snake’s cute.”

“Wait, you mean _you_ also-?!” said Holly at the same time as Meryl said, “that doesn’t make _me_ feel any better!”

“He _is_ handsome,” Wolf said with a shrug.

“Hey, not a real date or not, Wolf,” Decoy Raven said, half-slipping back into his normal voice although no one besides his friends noticed, “you could at least not say stuff like that while I’m with you on one.”

“There is a difference between finding someone cute or handsome and actually having a crush on them, though.” She tilted her head towards Meryl. “Silverburgh is cute, but I am not interested in her romantically at all.”

“Wait, what?” Meryl said.

“So, Holly,” Sam said, “do you _just_ think Snake is cute, or do you actually have a crush on him?”

“Well…” Holly said.

Liquid frowned. “Wait, can we go back to the part where _four separate girls_ find Snake attractive? And isn’t Emmerich _still_ infatuated with him?”

“Five separate girls,” Ellen said quietly.

“…bloody hell. Okay, I feel the need to point out that he and I are _identical twins_ —-“

“It doesn’t matter,” Wolf said, “you are already dating Mantis.”

“He just wants attention,” Mantis said, with a very bored tone of voice.

“I do not! And what does my brother have that I don’t?!”

“We should just ignore him,” Raiden said.

“Your personality’s a real turn-off, Liquid,” said Olga.

“…well at least _I_ don’t reek of cigarettes!”

“Yes, you do,” said the half the people there at the same time.

“That’s not _my_ fault!!” Liquid shouted, stomping his foot.

“Okay, _ignoring_ Liquid,” Meryl said pointedly, “Holly, you still haven’t answered my question. Do you have a thing for Snake or not?”

“What would it matter to do even if I did?” Holly said defensively, “you’ve, like, already got Johnny! You don’t need two guys, that’s just totally being greedy!”

“Greedy???”

“So she _does_ have a crush on Snake,” Johnny said.

“Hey, this works out,” Monsoon said, “Holly can have Snake, and Meryl can have Johnny, since she likes him anyway. Win-win situation.”

“Except that Snake doesn’t like Holly like that…” said Nastasha.

“Hmm…”

“Is Meryl the only one he likes?” Diane said.

“As far as anyone knows,” Nastasha said.

“Well, if he’s going to date a girl he doesn’t like, like like _right now_ ,” Diane said, “he should date _me_.”

“What?” Mistral said.

Diane shrugged. “Imagine the _status_ that comes with being the girlfriend of the guy half a dozen people are into!”

“I kind of want to date him,” Ellen said, still quietly.

“When did Snake become the protagonist of a harem animé…?” Monsoon wondered out loud.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Holly said, throwing her arms up, “okay, this is ridiculous. He’s _my_ date!”

“Just for one school dance,” Meryl pointed out.

“Yeah, well, _you_ brought Johnny,” Holly said, pointing at Meryl, then pointed at Diane and Ellen, “and _you_ two aren’t even, like, part of his friend group!”

“It’s less a friend group and more people who sit together at lunch, though,” Decoy Raven said (by now blatantly using his normal voice, which still went unnoticed by everyone except his squad), “isn’t it?”

“Well, I’ll grant that, but they're still less recurring characters than freaking Skull Face...”

“Is Solid Snake really worth fighting over this much?” Fortune said.

“If you ask me…” Olga started, but didn’t finish.

“This is _enough!_ ” Liquid yelled, jumping up on the couch, “we’re not going to spend _all night_ bitching about Snake! If you ladies have an issue to settle about him, take it up with him directly!!”

There was a short pause. And only 80% because Liquid was actually being the reasonable one for once.

“Um,” said Raiden, “where _is_ Snake, anyway?”

“He left right after Meryl asked her question,” Rose said.

“He is making out with Emmerich in the backyard right now,” Mantis said disinterestedly.

“…”

Everyone:

“Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!”

_~UNDERAGE DRINKING IS, LIKE, BAD~_

A few minutes ago.

Solid hadn’t really wanted to stick around for whatever Holly said to “How do you really feel about Snake?”, especially with the confrontational tone Meryl took when she asked it, so he wandered out the backdoor and lit a cigarette. It was pretty cold, but he didn’t really mind.

He also wasn’t terribly surprised to find Otacon sitting out there, crouching by the side of the house with his hands shoved in the pockets of a thick hoodie.

“Didn’t want to stick around for truth or dare, huh?” Solid said, blowing out smoke mixed with the natural fog of his breath.

Otacon shook his head. “It’s pretty unlikely that anyone would even think to ask about something relating to… _that_ ,” he said hesitantly, “but just in case… I mean, I’m not a very good liar, Snake. You remember how it went down when you figured it out. The only reason no one _else_ knows is because it just hasn’t occured to anyone.”

“Hm.”

There was a brief pause.

“Actually, I guess someone else _does_ know,” Otacon said at length, “and that’s what worries me.”

“Mantis?”

“Yeah… he’s kept his mouth shut so far, but I… I’m terrified, Snake. Sooner or later the other foot is going to drop and he’s going to tell _someone_ , and I _really_ don’t think he’ll be using the same reasoning you use when you try to convince _me_ to tell someone.”

“You think he’ll tell someone just to be malicious,” Solid said, then shook his head. “Yeah, that sounds like him.”

“I thought I was going to faint when he looked at me… Snake, I don’t want- I don’t want anyone to know—“

“-because you don’t want your father or Emma to find out, yeah, I know.” He sighed, took another drag off his cigarette. “I know.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…I still think you should just move in with your mom,” Solid said. “Get away from your step-mother.”

“It’s not as bad as you think it is,” Otacon said, then flushed slightly and corrected himself: “It’s not _bad_ , Snake, just… unorthodox.”

“It’s illegal.”

“There are too many stupid laws out there to criticize something just for being illegal, Snake.”

Solid huffed and sat down next to Otacon, flicking away a bit of ash. “It’s just _wrong_ , then.”

“That’s your opinion.”

“It’s going to fuck you up for life, Otacon.”

“Why do you even care so much?!” Otacon snapped, then immediately fell back into his pattern of getting angry and then acting like Solid was going to hit him or something for lashing out at him.

“Why _wouldn’t_ I care so much?” Solid said, “you’re my friend, what else am I supposed to _do?_ ”

“Leave me alone about it, it isn’t any of your business. I’m old enough to make my own decisions.”

“Then make a good one once in a while.”

Otacon couldn’t quite gather the courage or wit to make a devastating retort comparing that comment to his friendship with, or hell even his crush on, Solid. “I don’t see why it’s such a big deal, anyway,” he said, “would it be okay if she were our age?”

“Yes,” Solid said. “Or, at least, I wouldn’t see a problem with it. Personally. Your mom might.”

“Okay,” Otacon said, “so if it wouldn’t be weird for me to have sex with someone my age, then why is it weird with-“

“She’s your _step-mom!_ ”

“That only happened a year ago! It’s not like I _grew up_ with her, _that_ would be weird, but—”

Solid angrily stubbed out his cigarette. “She’s twice your age! This is just… Otacon, why don’t you get it?”

“It’s not like she’s ever threatened me or anything.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

There was yet another pause.

“Why do you even stay with her, anyway?” Solid said.

“…”

“I get that the sex must be awesome or something, but…”

“It’s not just about the sex,” Otacon said, looking at the dead, slightly frosty grass, “or at least, I think it isn’t.”

“You _think?_ ”

“I… look, Snake, I’m… I’m lonely, okay?”

“Lonely?”

“I don’t know if it’s because of the divorce, or because my parents don’t really pay attention to me, or the fact that I didn’t really have any friends until I started high school — and even now, I think you and Emma and Mei Ling and Meryl are my only friends, and I’m pretty sure Mei Ling and Meryl just… tolerate me, y’know?”

“Otacon…”

“And- and every time I’ve ever been close to someone, they always just… leave. Get bored with me, or something. Everyone ignores me and whenever people _don’t_ , well, they eventually _do_ , so… so I… I have a hard time getting close to people in the first place, Snake. It’s even harder for me to let go.”

Somewhere in the back of Otacon’s mind, he realized how _close_ he and Solid were sitting. Was it just because it was cold out? He _had_ been out here for a while… he must be subconsciously drawing towards Solid’s warmth…

“I guess that’s why I’m so attached to Julie. She acts like she loves me, even if she doesn’t, even if it’s not a-a normal way to do it. And it’s the same reason why… why I…”

Solid _was_ warm. And he smelled like cigarettes, of course he did, he always did.

“It’s why I fell for you, Snake. And it’s why I- why I—...“

“Can’t really get over me?” Solid said.

“Y-Yeah… I’m sorry, Snake, I know it’s awkward, I know you don’t swing that way, I know…”

Wow okay geez Solid was really close. Especially the upper half of his body. _Especially_ his face. It didn't entirely seem like he did that on purpose, though...

“I know… we…”

“It’s fine,” Solid murmured. “Maybe I’m just so concerned about this because I…”

“You…?”

“It’s fine… isn’t it? Just…”

“We… we shouldn’t.”

Solid put a hand on Otacon’s arm. In spite of Otacon’s protests, he tilted his head opposite Solid’s, their faces drawing closer and closer by the moment—

“Snake… y-you’ll just… break my heart again…”

“It’s just for tonight…”

“…yeah… yeah, just for… tonight…”

_His lips are cold_ , Solid thought, feeling oddly faraway.

About five minutes later, just when they had each other’s tongues in their mouths and hands sliding up under jackets, the back door flew open.

“You have _got_ to be kiddin’ me!!” Holly yelled. What seemed like the entire rest of the party was standing just behind her.

Solid and Otacon sprang apart, faces bright red.

“It isn’t what it looks like,” Solid half-shouted at the same time as Otacon said “I’m sorry, Holly, that was my fault!” and Meryl screamed “Snake! How could you!!”

There was a lot of yelling for the next thirty seconds, and then an upstairs window clacked up, and Fox - who was not wearing a shirt although he was still wearing his bandana - leaned out. “What’s all this commotion about?” he called down.

“Snake got caught french-kissing Emmerich,” Olga shouted back up.

“Woo! Get it, Otacon!!”

“Frank, what the hell are you doing?” came Gustava’s voice from somewhere inside the room he was in, and he retreated and closed the window again.

“…what _are_ they doing?” Ellen asked, staring up at the closed window.

“Well, they’re alone together,” said Nastasha, “and he is shirtless, so…”

“…oh geez,” Otacon said, “that’s _my_ window.”

“Ooh…”

The students successfully distracted (and, frankly, not terribly surprised in the first place now that everyone had gotten that out of their collective system), they all went back inside. Solid followed with his head hung low.

“My reputation is ruined,” he muttered.

“To be fair,” Raiden said, “everyone already thinks you got a blowjob from him at least once.”

“…okay. Point.”

Otacon, still red-faced and trying to avoid discussion of what just happened (what had he been thinking, anyway? What had _Solid_ been thinking??), went over to the snack table and checked up on everything, refilled some chips, and told his mom that they needed more ice. She checked the freezer then left to drive to the store, and Otacon was left awkwardly making small talk with Diane of all people.

Solid, meanwhile, stalked over to Liquid and asked for his bottle of Everclear.

“What makes you think I have a bottle of Everclear?” Liquid said indignantly.

Solid just gave him an unamused look, then reached into Liquid’s jacket and - after a few brief moments of wrestling - snagged the half-full bottle of Everclear and uncapped it. He took a swig while making direct eye contact with Liquid, then walked off.

“…does he know you’re not supposed to drink that stuff straight?” Liquid said.

“Yes,” Mantis said.

Otacon went back to puttering around at the snack table, frenetically drinking punch, which he didn’t realize was spiked - by now the rest of the party had that figured out, and a fair amount of people were avoiding the drinks, but that had came out during truth or dare (“Liquid, did you or did you not pour a third of a bottle of Everclear into the punch?” “Technically it was Fox who poured a _third_ of a bottle into it.”) so he had no way of knowing.

Not until the alcohol was starting to affect his system, anyway.

“Is it kind of hot in here, or is it just me?” he said. “Did someone turn up the heat?”

“You’re drunk,” Decoy Raven said, taking a sip of his punch.

“Ffffffuck you, no I’m not.”

“Yes,” Wolf said, “definitely drunk.”

Otacon stumbled off. He seemed oddly enamored with _2001: A Space Odyssey_ ’s soundtrack, which he was absently humming along to. (By now the movie was reaching the ending scenes.)

Meanwhile, Solid was vomiting in the bathroom - because that’s just what drinking Everclear straight _does_ to you - while Meryl stood nearby, following up on her “Snake! How could you!!” comment earlier.

“I can’t believe you would _do_ this to him,” she fumed, “you _know_ how he feels about you, and you know how emotionally fragile he is!”

“He’s tougher than you think, Meryl,” Solid coughed, wiping his mouth with the back of a hand.

“That doesn’t give you the right to play with his feelings like that!”

“I don’t know what happened, Meryl, I just-“

“Snake, I don’t care what happened! You had the responsibility to not be a _dick!_ ”

“Why does it even matter to you?”

Meryl blinked, then furrowed her brow. “Otacon’s my friend,” she said, “of course I care if he’s getting hurt.”

A wave of nausea passed over Solid again, and he heaved into the toilet. _If she only knew…_ , he thought dryly.

But, at the same time, it was such an easy answer she gave. Somehow Solid had doubted himself when he said he cared about what was happening to Otacon because he was his friend. Somehow that seemed not quite right. But really, being concerned (to put it lightly) about your friend being sexually abused was completely natural and expected.

Solid heaved again at the thought of that.

“You and him need to go talk this out before it goes the way of the fake dating thing,” Meryl said, crossing her arms, “you need to make _sure_ Otacon knows you didn’t mean anything by it before he gets too attached and you hurt him… again.”

“And what if I did mean something by it, huh?” Solid said, wiping his mouth again. His sinuses were stinging.

“Say that again when you’re sober, Snake.” She frowned. “Actually, now that I think about it, it might not be a great idea for you to try to talk it out with Otacon while you’re drunk.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“Want me to talk to him for you?”

Before Solid could answer, Holly popped her head in the bathroom. “Hey,” she said, “Otacon’s totally wasted and dancing on the table.”

“Oh,” Solid said.

“Ah,” Meryl said, “okay, I guess you two should talk when you’re both sober, then, Snake.”

“Sounds like a plan.” He stood up and washed his face in the sink. It didn’t do much to clear away the fog in his head.

“Neither of you want to see it?” Holly said, “I mean, I, like, kinda feel bad for laughing, but it’s like one of those really bad trying-to-be-sexy dances you see in all the ‘edgy’ high school movies.”

“Snake and I are done talking,” Meryl said, “we worked it out. Someone’s filming, right?”

“Only like half the party. This is gonna be all over Twitter by Monday.”

“…wait a minute,” Solid said, “which table is he dancing on? The snacks table?”

“Ugh, I hope not,” Meryl said, starting to walk out of the bathroom.

“No, the coffee table,” Holly said.

“Isn’t that made out of glass?” Solid said…

…and as if on cue, there was a loud _KRNNCH_ sound from the living room.

A loud krnnch sound, followed by a very loud “Holy shit, that’s a lot of blood.”

_~THIS IS ALREADY THE LONGEST EPISODE BY A GOOD 2,000 WORDS, AND WE AIN’T DONE QUITE YET~_

Otacon had fallen onto the coffee table while dancing, which of course broke since it was made out of glass, and had sustained an incredibly nasty cut to his left arm which proceeded to jet blood all over the living room. Fortunately a couple people knew first aid, so Otacon was prevented from 1) bleeding to death and 2) further harm, with the largest of the glass shards quickly picked out of the wound and his arm wrapped in towels and Otacon instructed to keep pressure on it with his other arm. He did, eyes wide, the adrenaline of having his limb sliced open enough to flush most of the alcohol out of his system.

It was determined that driving him to the ER would make just as much if not more sense than getting an ambulance (since they could leave _now_ instead of however long it would take for the ambulance to show up), and since Strangelove was still on the ice run and not picking up her phone, and most everyone had walked there from the school, EVA’s car was selected as the homie delivery service vehicle.

And, of course, since Solid had had a few drinks, or the equivalent of, a _very_ begrudging Liquid was pressed into driving Otacon to the hospital. (“No, it's fine,” he muttered sourly on his way out, “we were going to leave soon anyway.”)

So that was how Otacon was in the backseat of EVA’s car, trying unsuccessfully not to get blood all over the upholstery, glad that he was still sort of intoxicated enough that it didn’t hurt as much as it could have. Mantis was sitting in the passenger seat, staring out the window, and Liquid was angrily driving, still grumbling to himself.

“Oh, relax,” Mantis said eventually. “The hospital is on the way to where I was planning on taking you.”

“It’s still _stupid_ that this even _happened_ ,” Liquid said, glaring in the rear-view mirror. “So what, you make out with Snake and then decide to go drown your sorrows in spiked punch?”

“I didn’t know the punch was spiked,” Otacon mumbled.

“Punch isn’t supposed to burn going down, Emmerich. And what was the point of drowning your sorrows after making out with him? Yes, I’m sure he was a little awkward about it, but isn’t that supposed to be a tick off your bucket list or something? Grab Solid Snake’s arse?”

“Uh…”

“It was less because of the kiss and more because of the circumstances of it,” Mantis said.

“Well I don’t know anything _about_ the _circumstances_ between Snake and Emmerich. Seriously, what was with the fake dating thing?”

“That’s just between me and Snake,” Otacon said.

“Eli, if it’ll get you to shut up,” Mantis said, “I could tell you.”

“Oh _no_ ,” Otacon said, his eyes going wide, “oh _god_ no, man, _please_ —“

“Tell me,” Liquid said.

“No!!!!”

Mantis sighed. “Emmerich is sleeping with his step-mother.”

Liquid slammed the brakes of the car in shock, sending both Otacon and Mantis crashing into the seat in front of him and the dashboard, respectively.

“WHAT????”

“No, that’s not—“ Otacon started, his glasses completely askew since he didn’t dare take his hand off his wounded arm.

“He regularly has sex with his step-mother and has been since not long after she and his father started their relationship,” Mantis said flatly, fixing his mask. “The reason why he pretended to be Snake’s boyfriend is because back during the HIV scare, he thought he might have caught it from his step-mother, and he needed an excuse to get tested.”

“And everyone thought our family had it…” Liquid said, then, blinking, started driving again. “Oh my god,” he said at length. “Emmerich, that is all kinds of fucked up.”

“That- it’s not— please, please, _please_ don’t tell anyone, Liquid.”

“I just can’t believe _Snake_ hasn’t told anyone for your own good.”

“I asked him not to. Please, Liquid, I’ll- I’ll do anything, just don’t—“

And, of course, since Liquid is an awful person, his thought process at the moment could be succinctly illustrated as such:

A predatory grin slowly spread across Liquid’s face. “Alright,” he said, “I won’t tell anyone, Emmerich. I’ll let you sort this situation out by yourself, since you clearly want to and all.”

“………….tha-“

“ _If_ you do me a favor.”

Otacon was silent. Mantis rolled his eyes.

“That _thing_ your father’s working on…”

“I don’t know anything about it,” Otacon said immediately.

“You can change that easily,” Liquid said, “and of course I don’t care _how_ you do - I’ve just heard from Code Talker that whatever it is he’s building after school is something wildly dangerous and possibly illegal.”

“Of course,” Mantis said, “since that did come from Code Talker, that means that it is simply unsubstantiated rumors…”

“But you can find out how much truth is to them, Emmerich,” Liquid said. “I’ll even be generous and give you until spring break to get me all the information you can _possibly_ scrounge up on it.”

“I… but… I’ve never even seen it,” Otacon said, “Dad doesn’t let me in that part of classroom.”

“Again: I don’t care how you do it. Just figure out what it is, and tell me.”

“He wants pictures,” Mantis added, “and schematics.”

If it were possible for Otacon to get any paler after all the blood-loss, he would have. He shakily nodded.

“Alright,” he said. “I’ll do it.”

“Excellent ♪” Liquid purred, pulling up in front of the hospital.

_~REMEMBER, ONLY TOURNIQUET IF YOU’RE OKAY WITH LOSING THE LIMB~_

“Well, that was exciting,” Mantis said half an hour later, after they had driven away from the hospital. (Some of the staff had insisted that they stay with Otacon until his mother arrived in a panic. It was fairly awkward. There was no talking. Then Strangelove showed up in a panic.)

“The car still smells like blood,” Liquid observed. “Do you think Mother’s going to be angry about that?”

“I doubt it. In fact, I think it is more likely that she’ll be proud of you for driving Emmerich to the hospital.”

“Whatever,” Liquid said, although he did smile, “I’m just glad this is Mother’s car and not Father’s. Father would kill me over this.”

“Mm. He would.” A few minutes passed in comfortable silence. “You can pull over now, Eli.”

“Where are we, anyway?” Liquid said, pulling off the road and turning off the car. “The middle of nowhere, looks like…”

“Exactly. There isn’t anyone around for miles.”

“Just us, hmm?”

“…Eli.”

“What?”

“I know you were offended by what I said earlier.”

Liquid blinked. “During truth or dare?”

“I’ll admit what I said was… insensitive,” Mantis said, glancing away, “and somewhat cold. And I know that makes you feel insecure.”

“It’s- it’s really no problem, Mantis,” Liquid said, waving a hand.

“I find it difficult to express my feelings,” Mantis said anyway, “but I really do care for you, Eli.”

“…”

“So that is why…” he reached up for the straps of his gas mask, and started unclasping them. Liquid raised his eyebrows. “I thought to do this a while ago, but tonight… seems right.”

“Oh,” Liquid said softly as Mantis took off his mask.

He looked about the way you’d expect him to look.

“Even in this AU…?” Liquid said with a breathless laugh, staring at Mantis’ face with eyes wide.

The corner of Mantis’ mouth twitched. “It is fairly ingrained into my character. But I thought… hmm, you’re taking this very well, Eli.”

Liquid lifted a hand halfway, hesitantly moving to touch Mantis’ face - and he didn’t stop him, so he wonderingly traced his fingers over scars and sutures on his cheek. “I… I think I like it, actually.”

“…”

“Sorry. Too cliché?” He looked in Mantis’ eyes again. “It’s nice to see what your eyes look like without the mask. They’re a very pretty color.”

“Are they?”

“And you have freckles, that’s cute.” He brushed a curl of hair away from Mantis’ face. “Th-thank you for showing me, Mantis. I feel privileged. Like when a wild animal trusts you for some reason.”

Mantis snorted out a short laugh, and Liquid was pretty sure his heart just physically _melted_ at the brief flash of a smile on Mantis’ face.

He couldn’t help himself. He pulled Mantis’ face towards his and kissed him on the lips.

Mantis broke the kiss after what seemed like an eternity, blinked almost sleepily at Liquid, then leaned into him, tucking himself away against his chest. “Mmmm.”

“Am… I a bad kisser?” Liquid asked, feeling very self-conscious all of a sudden.

“No… it’s just… everything is so much more intense without my mask on. I think I am literally getting high off of how happy that made you just now.”

“Oh. Well, in that case…”

He pulled him back up, kissed him again, and let the moment take them from there.

_~AND THEY PROBABLY DIDN’T GET HOME ’TIL FOUR~_

**END OF SEMESTER ONE**

**_TO BE CONTINUED…_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did make the Liquidmantis graphic. And by make I mean it was just edited from the one in episode nine.
> 
> Please comment on what y'all would like to see in season two! (Which will, yes, be uploaded in this same fic here, as normal, but the next episode will take place _after_ winter break!)


	27. INTERMISSION: A Lot of Comics in This One

  


  
  
  


  
  


  



	28. INTERMISSION: The Most Popular Girls in Kojima High

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone actually remember The Most Popular Girls in School? It was a big meme in early 2013...  
> I figured if I could call myself out for making a The Last Days of FOXHOUND joke already, I could do this.

  
  
  


  
  
  


  
  


  


  
  
  
  
  


  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The handjob one is just a joke about my other fics. I shan't elaborate on what Liquid and Mantis did in EVA's car.


	29. PREVIEW: Semester Two Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I spend an ungodly amount of time making these just to reference a one-line joke from the very first episode...?!  
> Yes, yes I did. ngl I'm very pleased with how they came out


	30. Semester Two Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I was busy. God only knows when the next chapter will go up, but in the meantime...!
> 
> Someone on tumblr threatened to curse me if I uploaded any more "rapefic pedo incest etc shit"! Well, this fic contains Julie Danziger/Hal Emmerich, which is statutory rape, legally incest, and I'm sure fits their definition of pedophilia (of course, this is the same person who accused me, personally, of being a pedophile for writing a high school AU even though I'm not in high school anymore... because that makes sense...?), so I guess I'm cursed now!  
> Joke's on them, though, my friends will tell you it's been a stated goal of mine IRL to get cursed somehow just because my life isn't interesting enough already I guess. _So you'd better pay up, Francis!_

“You’re sure this is a good idea,” Mei Ling said.

“We don’t really have any other choice…” Otacon said.

“You mean _you_ don’t really have any other choice,” Solid said, “why didn’t you ask Meryl to do this for you instead of me? She’s actually _on_ the football team, _I’ve_ only broken into a school once.”

“Don’t use the term ‘broken into’,” Mei Ling scolded, “that makes it sound like we’re actually committing a crime!”

“…Mei Ling, we kind of are.”

“Meryl doesn’t know what this is about, Snake,” Otacon said. “I don’t want to explain to her.”

“ _I_ don’t know what this is about,” Mei Ling said.

“Yeah, but you don’t ask as many questions as she does.”

“True.” She frowned. “Okay, so… Liquid is blackmailing you about _something_ , and what he wants is information on that thing you and I were investigating anyway, except now you have a deadline and he’s going to reveal your secret to the whole school if you don’t bring him what he wants by spring break.”

“Yeah,” Otacon and Solid sighed at the same time.

“So you got Snake to help you to do this today, because you want to get it over with as soon as possible, and school starts back up tomorrow…”

“It is easiest to sneak into a building when no one’s already in it,” Solid said with a shrug.

“Snake, if you’re willing to help Otacon with this, why don’t you just deal with Liquid directly?” Mei Ling said. “I mean, even if you’d get in trouble for fighting with him again, doesn’t Fox have blackmail on Liquid?”

“You know about that?” Solid said.

“Wait,” Otacon said, “how did he get blackmail on Liquid? Is that guy ashamed of anything?”

“Uh,” Mei Ling said, “I’d be more surprised if _nobody_ had blackmail on him, but I guess you have a point, Otacon. Still, Fox mentioned it, so…”

“…so why don’t I just have Fox bring Liquid in to heel?” Solid said, “because I’m pretty sure if I did that, Liquid would come after Otacon anyway.”

“You mean he’d reveal his secret?”

“I mean he might beat him up. Or send one of his friends to do it so it’s harder to tie to him, he’s already on really thin ice with the administration, just in general.”

“Ugh,” Otacon said, “Raven could turn me into paste. But knowing Liquid he’d probably ask Wolf to do it just to rub salt in the wound…”

“So you think Wolf would hurt you if he asked her to?” Mei Ling said.

“Um… I never said _that_ … exactly……..”

“Whatever,” Solid muttered, pulling into the gas station parking lot and shutting off EVA’s car. “Mei Ling, you think you got a good view of the school from here?”

“Yep!” Mei Ling said, pulling out a pair of binoculars, then her laptop, and setting up camp in the backseat. “Otacon hacked into the traffic cams on this road for me, so if I see anybody’s car coming towards the school parking lot, I’ll let you know. Wait, you two have your walkie-talkies, right?”

“Right.”

“Are we _sure_ it wouldn’t be better if I just stayed in the car and helped Mei Ling run support?” Otacon said nervously.

“Otacon, I can get us into the school without anyone knowing it’s us,” Solid said, “but I can’t tell you what your dad’s building in his classroom. I _help_ build that thing, and I have _no_ idea what it is.”

“Alright, alright… okay…”

So after an enthusiastic thumbs-up from Mei Ling, Solid and Otacon exited the car and jumped the school fence (Otacon falling on his face, and Solid having a brief “Oh _shit_ , didn’t he just get his stitches taken out _today?_ ” moment before finding out he was perfectly fine), and got started on some

**T A C T I C A L ~~E S P I O N A G E~~ B R E A K I N G A N D E N T E R I N G A C T I O N**

Kojima High at night was exactly like any other given high school at night: vaguely creepy in ways you can’t explain. The halls were dark (lit only by flashlights) and empty and echo-y, which, considering how Solid and Otacon were used to seeing them full of students (or at least well-lit with the occasional teacher wandering by during after-school hours), was kind of unsettling.

At least, unlike Konami High, neither Solid nor Otacon needed to concern themselves with maps or directions, since they both knew where everything was in this school… even the areas off-limits to students, although in those cases it more that they knew where they _were_ as opposed to what to do once they actually got there.

“I can show you where the thing your dad’s building _is_ ,” Solid said, “but it’d be better if we could open the door without me having to pick the lock…”

“Oh, yeah,” Otacon said, patting himself down, “I grabbed Dad’s keys…”

Solid raised his eyebrows. “Won’t he notice?”

“He’s not very, uh, observant. So no, I don’t think so.”

_Meanwhile, back at the Emmerich household…_

“Emma, have you seen my car keys?” Huey said.

“Why do you need the car keys?” Emma said without looking up from her laptop.

“So I can drive to the store…? Why else would I need my car keys?”

“Yeah, but why do you need to drive to the store?”

“Your mother wants some wine and she sent me to go get it.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “She knows Hal isn’t home, right?”

“Huh? He’s at Strangelove’s house… what does he have to do with anything?”

_Anyway…_

Otacon found Huey’s keys and unlocked the lab door. Although, calling it a lab… it was really more like a garage. Or a warehouse. Concrete floors and, uh, **way** larger and more spacious than seemed reasonable considering there shouldn’t have physically been room for it in the school. Wasn’t the next classroom over from Huey’s a lot closer than this “lab” was from end to end?

“Somebody must have made a mistake on the school’s blueprints,” Solid said, like that explained anything.

“It’s probably not a good idea to turn on the lights,” Otacon said, “but it looks like it’s gonna be really dark in there once we close the door…”

“We should still be able to see everything just using our flashlights,” Solid said, “right?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Just make sure you have the flash turned on on your camera, Snake.” They stepped inside and closed the door behind them. Otacon was right. It _was_ dark. “So, where’s the thing my dad’s been working on?”

“Back here,” Solid said, sweeping his flashlight over the room. It illuminated a large hunk of metal.

“Why does it have a toy website watermark…?”

“Uh… that’s not it,” Solid said, “that one doesn’t work.”

“Oh.”

He pointed his flashlight at something covered by a large tarp. “It’s this one,” he said.

“Well, what is it?”

“I dunno.”

Otacon walked up and pulled the tarp off of it.

_DU~N DA… DA DAAAAAAAAAA!_

“Wow,” Otacon said, mouth hanging open, “it’s… Snake, do you want to say it?”

“Do I have to?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

Solid sighed. “Metal… Gear?!”

There was a short pause.

“This is _so_ illegal,” Otacon said.

“Yup,” Solid said, “but at least I get extra credit for helping build it.” He pulled out his camera. “Okay, I’ll get pictures, you get schematics.”

“No problem,” Otacon said, walking off, “Dad’s computer should be in here somewhere… it’ll be easy to get in, he uses the same password on everything. The anniversary of his and Mom’s wedding.”

“Wow, that’s really sad.”

“Eh… maybe if his password hint wasn’t ‘You divorced that lying bitch, good job’…”

So Otacon found Huey’s computer and ~~logged into~~ used his elite haxx0r skills on it, and Solid started taking pictures of Metal Gear.

“So, um, Snake,” Otacon said as he clicked around Huey’s files, “can I ask a question?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, I know we kind of already went over this, how I shouldn’t take the fact that you kissed me at the party seriously - and, y’know, I don’t, really — I just… are you seriously dating Meryl?”

“Uh?” Solid said, “is now really the best time for this conversation?”

“I’m still looking for the right files, we can kill time.”

“Okay… um, well, Meryl and I went on a couple dates over winter break, but we’re not dating, no.”

Otacon blinked. “Isn’t it considered dating if you go on a bunch of dates?”

“That’s what I thought too, but Meryl said that you’re only ‘dating’ someone if you call each other your boyfriend and/or girlfriend, which we don’t, so…”

“I’m surprised she even agreed to go on a date with you…”

“Yeah, me too. She was really upset about me kissing you.”

“Huh?” Otacon said, looking up at Solid. “She was?”

“Uh, yeah,” Solid said, lowering his camera slightly, “she was worried you’d take it seriously.”

“…”

“Also,” Solid said, going back to taking pictures, “I’ll be the first to admit I _really_ don’t know _anything_ about girls, but I’m pretty sure she only agreed to go on those dates with me because she wants to stake some kind of claim against Holly, Diane, and Ellen. And Wolf I guess.”

“I see,” Otacon said. He really didn’t, though. “How do you feel about those four?”

“Holly’s just a friend… I barely know who Diane and Ellen are, and you already know I think Wolf’s a huge bitch, so…”

“She’s not a bitch,” Otacon said stubbornly.

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, hey, I found the files,” Otacon said, abruptly changing the subject. “No… hang on, these are for the one you said didn’t work.”

“What’s it supposed to do, anyway?”

“I’m not sure, but it looks like something out of Zone of the Enders. That’s pretty cool…”

“But it doesn’t work.”

“It doesn’t need to _work_ to be _cool_ ,” Otacon said, “okay, I found the right ones. Hmm… kind of a lot of blueprints…” He pulled a flashdrive out of his pocket and plugged it into the computer.

“Alright… oh, wow, there are supposed to be a lot of guns on this thing.”

“Really?”

“No _wonder_ everyone’s saying it’s something wildly dangerous and/or illegal. Anyway, I’ve almost got all the files transferred and-“

Someone flipped on the light. Solid and Otacon both froze.

“What the fuck is going on in here.”

“Uh-“ Otacon started.

“Nothing, Master Miller,” Solid blurted out, shoving the camera back in his pocket.

“Yeah, nothing at all,” Otacon said, yanking the flashdrive out of the computer despite the computer’s protests and shoving that in his pocket. The flashdrive, that is, not the computer.

“What are you doing here?” Kaz said, frowning severely.

“What are _you_ doing here?” Solid countered.

“Um, hey guys,” Mei Ling’s voice suddenly came over the walkie-talkies, “I don’t know how he got past me, but I just noticed Master Miller’s car in the parking lot-“

“We know,” Otacon said nervously into the walkie-talkie. “Over…”

“Oooh. He doesn’t recognize my voice, right? Don’t say my name. Over and out.”

There was a long, awkward pause.

“ _What_ are you doing here?” Kaz said again.

“I can explain,” Solid said before Otacon could say anything.

Kaz raised an eyebrow.

Solid balked, and glanced at Otacon. Otacon gave him a wide-eyed shrug, then figured it would be best to tell the truth and gave Kaz more or less the same explanation he gave Mei Ling: “I’m being blackmailed for information on what my dad is working on after school.”

“Hm.”

“Why’d you come here?” Solid said.

“…the door was unlocked,” Kaz said, “and I heard voices.”

“But you can’t hear voices outside the lab…”

“Uh. Hm. Well, the door was unlocked, anyway-“

“It’s almost midnight,” Otacon said, “what were you doing at the school at almost midnight?”

“And you have to go into Dr. Emmerich’s classroom before you can even see that the lab door is unlocked…”

“And we closed the door, how could you even tell it was unlocked without opening it?”

“ _Enough_ ,” Kaz said, “it’s none of your business why I’m—“

“You know, Miller,” came from outside the open door, “a little bit of patience goes a- now how did you get the door open without my copy of Dr. Emmerich’s keys?”

“Is that Ocelot?” Solid said.

Ocelot walked into the lab, then put his hands on his hips and stared at Otacon and Solid.

“Isn’t it past curfew for you boys?”

“…Mom doesn’t give me a curfew,” Otacon said.

“I snuck out,” Solid said, since there was no point in lying to Ocelot about that because he was definitely going to rat him out to his parents later anyway.

“Breaking and entering is illegal,” Kaz said.

“So is embezzling and public sex around a bunch of minors,” Ocelot said under his breath.

“Ocelot!”

“What??”

“That is _completely_ beside the point!”

“Can we go?” Solid said.

“No,” Kaz said, rounding on them again, “you two shouldn’t be breaking into the school at night and _especially_ not breaking into restricted areas of it. And Hal, what do you mean someone’s blackmailing you?”

“Um,” Otacon said, “someone’s blackmailing me. I don’t wanna go into detail.”

“Blackmail becomes useless if everyone already knows about it,” Ocelot advised.

“Who’s blackmailing you?” Kaz pressed.

“I… I’d rather not say?” Otacon said, giving him an odd look, “I really don’t think I could get away with it…”

“Can we go?” Solid said again, and added, “please?”

Kaz huffed. “Detention for the first week back, both of you,” he began—

“Oh, _no_ ,” Ocelot said, rolling his eyes, “you always end up dumping the students you give detention to on _me_.”

Kaz ignored him. “—and give me the camera and the flashdrive, now.”

Otacon and Solid exchanged glances. Fortunately Ocelot stepped in.

“Just let them keep them, Miller,” he said, “it won’t do any harm. At least, not to anyone besides Dr. Emmerich.”

“Hmm…”

“You two had better get out of here,” Ocelot said to Otacon and Solid, “and you’d better believe I’m going to be calling your parents in a few minutes.”

“Uh… thanks,” Otacon said, not knowing how else to respond. He and Solid quickly scurried out of Huey’s lab.

“Well then,” Solid said once they were out in the hallway, “that went better than expected.”

“At least we got the pictures and schematics like you-know-who asked for,” Otacon said, uncertain if Ocelot and Kaz could still hear them or not. They hadn’t shut the lab door behind them.

“Yeah. At least there’s that.”

“Hang on,” Otacon said, “actually, I’m not sure if we got all the schematics. I didn’t eject the flashdrive properly before pulling it out of the computer!”

“You have to do that?”

“Um, yes? I guess I’ll have to check when I get home, though… hopefully Mom won’t take away my laptop tonight…”

“Doesn’t your mom never pick up her phone, anyway…?”

“Oh… no, she doesn’t. I’m probably fine until tomorrow. Although Dad’s going to be _really_ mad at me for breaking into his lab.”

Solid shrugged. “What’s the worst he can do? Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if Master Miller didn’t bother telling him. I’m pretty sure he and Ocelot were here for the exact same reason we were.”

“I hope so… besides, it’s not like Dad and Master Miller, uh, get along…”

“Why does Master Miller hate him so much, again?”

“Something about being responsible for his house burning down a few years ago…? Or was it causing his break-up with your dad back when they were in college? I have no idea.”

_~SAHELANTHROPUS DIDN’T WORK BECAUSE IT, IRONICALLY, VIOLATED FEDERAL REGULATIONS ABOUT WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBILITY~_

_~KIZUNA AI SHOULD DO MGSV~_

Meanwhile, in an entirely unrelated series of events, Gustava, who had to work up quite a lot of nerve to do this, texted Fox a picture.

Fox stared at his phone in his hand for a long time, kind of wishing he’d actually _been_ asleep so that he could justify this as being a whacked-out dream. But nope.

“Fuck,” he said out loud.


	31. The Rumor-Mill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay again sorry it took so long between this chapter and the last one but y'all already know what tf is goin on. I _said_ over in Feet Upon the Ground that I'd update this fic before the end of the mini-hiatus, so I did!!! :D

Is there some statistic out there that says that suicidal tendencies in students tend to increase when school starts back up after a break? Because that sounds about right.

Ah well. School starts back up, and of course the first thing that happened, as is to be expected, was that all the students caught up on the social complexities of high school life that had suddenly reared their ugly heads while everyone was out enjoying winter vacation. (Read: They gossiped a lot.)

“Aight,” Octopus said over an early morning game of Magic: The Gathering in the library, “hot new rumor of the semester: One of the teachers here is sleeping with one of the students.”

Everyone (except Mantis) immediately looked at Liquid.

“It’s not him,” Mantis said without looking up from his phone before Liquid could defend himself.

“It’s not either of my brothers, either, to my knowledge,” Liquid added. “Unbelievably, Ocelot is actually clean here.”

“Well, it’s good that he is clean because he is not actually _clean_ clean,” Wolf said thoughtfully, “wouldn’t it be awful if he started an HIV scare again and we had to do ‘Sexually Transmitted Drama 2: _Rent_ Harder’?”

“At least ‘Sexually Transmitted Drama’ was actually a good chapter,” Raven said. “Unlike this one.”

“Don’t be so negative, we are coming off of hiatus.”

“And then we are not going to update for _another_  three and a half months.”

“There goes the fourth wall,” Mantis said, looking up vaguely, “I wonder if we needed that.”

“Of course not,” Octopus said. Then he had an idea. “Hey, Mantis, since you’re psychic and all…”

“Absolutely not,” Mantis said. “I am not going to go poking around in people’s minds to find out which students are breaking statutory rape laws, _again_.” One of the B &B Corps squawked in agreement.

“Shh!” Liquid quickly said, grabbing him.

“What do you mean ‘again’?” Wolf said, raising an eyebrow. “What did you see?”

“…nothing,” Mantis said.

“Nothing that concerns you lot,” Liquid said.

“Tell us,” Octopus said, slamming his fists on the table. “We don’t keep secrets in this squad!”

“Yes we do,” Raven said.

“Raven, we all already know about your FurAffinity account,” Wolf said, “it is hardly a secret.”

“…”

“So what’s going on, Liquid?” Octopus said.

Liquid hemmed and hawed for a moment before saying, “it’s about Emmerich, it’s something he asked us not to tell, so…”

“…so Eli’s using it as blackmail,” Mantis said. “In order to get proper information on the whatever-it-is that Dr. Emmerich is building.”

“Right. And blackmail is _completely useless_ if everyone already knows, so if I tell you three…” he glanced at the B &B Corps, “…seven… then, you can’t tell anyone. Got it?”

Wolf, Octopus, and Raven all nodded. The B&B Corps didn’t seem to be entirely paying attention, so Liquid ignored them.

“Anyway,” he said, pulling out his phone, “I’ll just say what it is in the group chat.”

There was a brief pause as everyone (except Liquid and Mantis) read and processed the reveal.

Wolf looked up from her phone. “Oh my god,” she said.

_~I HAVE MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM~_

Meanwhile, at some unspecified other point during the day (so, not “meanwhile” in the slightest), Fox caught up with Raiden in the gym.

“Hey,” he said, “can we talk?”

“Uh… what’s up?” Raiden said. “I thought the first football practice wasn’t until Thursday.”

Fox shook his head. “This has nothing to do with football,” he said gravely. “I need your advice on something.”

“Me? Advice? … _me?_ ”

“Shut up. I’m desperate, okay.”

“You don’t have to be so harsh…”

“Hey! Quit whining!” Fox scolded. “Anyway, you remember a couple episodes ago when you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant?”

“Yes, why? …wait. Wait wait wait—“

“Yeah.”

“You got Gustava pregnant?!”

“Keep it down!!” Fox said, holding his hands out. “She hasn’t told anyone but me yet, I don’t want word getting out!”

“But how?” Raiden gasped, “did you forget to put a condom on your tongue while making out with her??”

“What? No, wh— oh my god you took that seriously? That was a joke. You’ve been putting condoms in your mouth?”

“Wh-what? No, of course not. That was a joke, too. Haha…”

Fox eyed him suspiciously, but continued with the more serious avenue of conversation. “When Rosemary told you she was pregnant, how did you feel?” he asked, “what did you _do?_ ”

“Panic, mostly,” Raiden said with a shrug.

“Did you talk about… I don’t know, putting it up for adoption? Abortion, maybe?”

“Abortion’s too political for this fic, apparently…”

“Right, right.” He blinked. “And I guess things are different for Gustava and I, since we’re both conveniently eighteen-ish while you and Rose are, like, fourteen.”

“You’re both still in high school, though…”

“I know!” Fox said, scrubbing his hands over his face. “What the fuck am I supposed to _do?!_ I’m not ready to be a dad, what if she wants to keep it!”

“Uh, I can’t help you here, Rose ended up _not_ being pregnant… it was just a prank by your sister…” Although maybe ‘prank’ wasn’t exactly the right word. More like starting shit just because she’s a messy bitch who lives for drama.

“Wait, that’s it!” Fox said, clapping his hand to his forehead. “My sister! I’ll just ask _her_ what to do.” He ran off.

“Hang on,” Raiden called after him, “I really don’t think that’s a good… idea…… aaaaaand he’s gone.”

“I’m sure it will all work out,” Solidus said.

“Gah! How the heck long have _you_ been here?!”

Fox burst into Naomi’s office, interrupting a probably-too-invasive-for-school examination with a random student who won’t get any lines anyway. “Naomi!!”

“What is it, Frankie?” Naomi said, sounding about as bored as she did during _The Twin Snakes_. “As you can see, I’m busy.”

“Oh come on that’s not even a named character. I need your help with something.”

Naomi shooed off the background prop and sat down calmly. “Alright, what is it?”

“I kind of might have gotten my girlfriend a little bit pregnant.”

“… _pregnant?_ ”

Fox held up his thumb and forefinger about a centimeter apart. “Just a little bit,” he said.

Naomi scoffed. “You aren’t ready to take care of a child, Frankie,” she said, “those things are big responsibilities, do you understand that?”

“I’m aware, it’s not like I _intended_ to-“

“I’m not going to feed it and clean its cage if you get bored of it.”

“…Naomi, we’re talking about a baby, not a hermit crab.”

“There’s no functional difference,” Naomi said dismissively, crossing her legs. “Now, _how_ exactly did this happen, Frank?”

Fox shrugged. “We had sex at the winter formal afterparty,” he said, “but we used protection… _and_ she’s on birth control for her acne, too, so I really don’t get how this was even literally possible.”

“Ah, using protection was your first mistake,” Naomi said.

“I’m almost afraid to ask.”

“This is a badfic, Frank. Everyone knows that in bad fanfiction, unprotected sex will _never_ result in a pregnancy, while every pregnancy announcement is immediately followed by ‘But we used a condom!’”

“…”

“Anyway, what do you plan to do?”

“I have _no_ idea,” Fox said, “that’s why I was asking you. I guess I’ll just wait to see what Gustava decides…”

“Don’t forget that you’re on the hook for child support for the next 18 years if she decides to keep it.”

“…stupid fanfic…”

_~LAW OF BADFIC PROTECTION ORIGINALLY COINED BY MY OLDER BROTHER,[SITH DROIDEKA](http://sith-droideka.livejournal.com)~_

And that was how the entire school found out that Gustava was pregnant before Gustava had actually gathered the courage to announce it herself. Whoops.

Immediately after school, Wolf met up with Quiet for the first meeting of the sharpshooting club in the second semester. But Wolf couldn’t focus on the targets, and this time it wasn’t because The End was still sunbathing naked near them. (Seriously, though, it was the middle of winter…)

Quiet put a hand on Wolf’s shoulder. Wolf sighed.

“Ms. Quiet,” she said, “this morning I found out something terrible about a friend of mine’s home life, and I do not know what to do. I am not sure if I should tell anyone.”

Quiet blinked at her, then flicked her tongue like a snake and punched the palm of her hand, tilting her head with raised eyebrows.

Wolf shook her head. “No, it is not that Liquid and his brothers get beaten by their dad,” she said, “everyone already knows that.”

Quiet frowned.

“Oh, it’s not that _bad_ , anyway. This is about someone different.”

Quiet spread her hands, inviting Wolf to tell her who.

Wolf hesitated, though. “My friend doesn’t want word to get out… and as a school employee, you would be legally obligated to report what is going if I told you, even if I told you just to get it off my chest.”

Quiet raised her eyebrows again. “Hm.”

“What should I do? It is not an… okay situation, but I understand why my friend does not want anyone to know what is going on.”

Quiet pointed at her mouth. _Talk_.

“…”

That was, really, exactly what Wolf expected her to say, but seeing it didn’t make her feel any better. At least, if she did talk, then it wouldn’t much matter to her if Otacon never forgave her for it, but… well… was it really her place to meddle with this…?

_~SHOULD THIS SITUATION EVER COME UP IRL, READER, JUST CALL CPS~_

Liquid’s phone buzzed. Solid gave it a cursory glance before throwing it at Liquid, who was lying on his bed.

“Ow!”

“Don’t leave your phone on the desk when I’m trying to do my homework.”

“ _Maybe_ you should have gotten all of that done _before_ school started back up again, brother. …hm, a text…” He unlocked his phone lazily.

Liquid sat bolt upright. “Who the _fuck_ added _Ocelot_ to our group chat?!”

“Probably himself…?”


	32. Striking While the Iron is Hot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said last episode that I'd update again after three and a half months but it's only been two so ha ha :^) also aireyv rides again

“George.”

Solidus looked up from the computer. “Yes, mother?” he said.

EVA put her hands on her hips. “Why,” she said, “did someone on Facebook just link me to a trove of 50+ explicit tentacle sex fanfics written by someone with your Battleborn username?”

Solidus stared at her, eyes wide.

There was only one thing he could do in this situation.

The next morning, over a game of Magic: The Gathering in the library, Octopus asked Liquid, “Hey, how come your brother took down all his fics?”

“All his what now?” Liquid said.

“His E-rated tentacle sex fics. They’re gone.”

Liquid blinked. “Snake was writing-“

“Your other brother, Eli,” Mantis said boredly.

“Ooohhhhh. Uh. I have no idea. First I’ve heard of this in general. Kinda knew he wrote fic in his spare time but I always thought they were more… political.”

“Did he make any kind of announcement or something?” Raven said. “I think most authors would post something explaining why they are taking down everything, so that fans aren’t left wondering about it indefinitely.”

“Something about being doxxed,” Octopus said with a shrug.

“Wow,” Wolf said, “and here I thought the second semester was supposed to have an actual plotline. We are just going to interrupt it for an obscenely pointed Very Special Episode™?”

“…how did you add a trademark to your dialogue?” Liquid said.

“Nevermind. This episode needs to be finished and uploaded fast, while it is still topical.”

“No one’s answered Octopus’ question yet,” Mantis said. “Do we actually _care_ why Solidus took down all his disgusting weird porn?”

“ _You’re_ one to talk about disgusting weird porn, you weird bugf—“

“For that last time, Wolf, that was _not_ my FurAffinity account! I do _not_ have a FurAffinity account!!”

“It’s definitely his account,” Octopus said, “I found it at the same time I found Raven’s.”

“Okay, what?” Liquid said, looking between Wolf and Mantis. “Wait, what’s _on_ this alleged FurAffinity account?”

“Nothing!!” Mantis said at the same Wolf said, “Did you know that asexuals can have socially unacceptable fetishes, too?”

“ _So_ ,” Raven said, “…anyway, whose turn is it?”

“It’s the B&B Corps’ turn,” Mantis snarled pointedly, hiding behind his cards.

The B&B Corps squabbled over which card to play for a full minute before continuing the game. Liquid only belatedly realized he should have asked why the heck Octopus was so concerned about explicit tentacle sex fanfiction, but then realized he didn’t really want to know.

_~SOMETIMES PEOPLE ASK YOU IF YOU'RE ALRIGHT AND YOU CAN'T TELL THEM YOU'RE NOT ALRIGHT BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND~_

“Morning, V,” EVA said. Venom grunted. “Have you seen my husband?”

“I think he’s in the gym. What’s going on?”

“I need to talk to him about our son… by the way, how’s the new gig as the health teacher going?”

Venom frowned. “I have a _lot_ of damage to undo from Volgin…”

“Yeah, I figured. You know who I really feel bad for? Whoever gets hired to replace Skull Face after he inevitably gets fired for doing meth and being a completely useless English teacher. I don’t think anyone’s learned a single thing in his class all year.”

“Hm.”

With that out of her system, EVA continued to the gym. Big Boss was indeed there as said and, unsurprisingly, so was Ocelot, though Big Boss was evidently ignoring him.

“Snake,” EVA said, crossing her arms, “we need to talk.”

“What’d I do now?” Big Boss said.

“No, we need to talk about our son. Did you know he was writing and posting weird explicit tentacle sex fanfics? They weren’t even well-written.”

“Weird explicit tentacle sex fanfics? Hrmmgh… which son?” Big Boss said, “Liquid? I bet it was Liquid, he seems like he’d be a deviant like that.”

“No, Snake. Not Eli. Your other son.”

“The good one?”

EVA sighed. “Not David, either. George.”

Big Boss gave her a blank look.

“Solidus?”

“Oh for God’s sake, Snake, this is just getting sad. Nevermind. I’ll deal with this myself.”

“How exactly are you dealing with this?” Ocelot cut in.

EVA shrugged. “I confronted him about it and I think he took down all his fics. But I’m not really sure what to do now.”

“Let me handle it.”

“Fine, whatever. I’m sure this won’t backfire at all.”

_~DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY MEMES I’VE MADE ABOUT THIS?~_

“…and apparently what I wrote was considered _objectionable_ in some circles,” Solidus was ~~venting, almost in tears, to his friends~~ explaining to his lunch group, “so they somehow tracked my mother down on Facebook and messaged her about it.”

“Woah,” Rose said, “that’s pretty messed up.”

“Having your parents read your fanfiction is every author’s worst nightmare,” Fatman said, nodding, though giving off a very definite ‘doesn’t actually care’ vibe. “By the way, what did you write that was so ‘objectionable’?”

“Um,” Solidus said, “nothing in particular.”

“Some people on the internet are just absurdly sensitive about silly things happening to fictional characters.”

“I don’t think I want to know what your definition of ‘silly’ here is,” Raiden commented.

“I’m very concerned by the gif just now,” Sam said.

“Well, anyway,” Rose said thoughtfully, putting a finger to her lip, “it could be worse.”

“Yes,” Fortune said, “it could have been much worse. Suppose the doxxer does it again, and this time the author follows a notoriously conservative religion that the doxxer blatantly uses as a weapon against them in a seeming attempt to get them kicked out of their house and disowned from their family and community due to the fact that the majority of the fics they wrote are slashfics, and in the message sent to the author’s mother the doxxer demonstrates no apparent knowledge of whether or not the author is already out to their parents or if they still even live at home, so from the looks of things that really was their intention?”

“Okay wow holy crap,” Raiden said, “we didn’t need to get _that_ pointed.”

“I’m just saying, that’d be even _more_ messed up.”

“So what’d you do?” Rose asked Solidus.

“I deleted everything, of course,” Solidus said, “my fics were never intended to leak into real life. If word got out, my reputation would be ruined-“

“A pervert? In _your_ family?” Raiden said in mock surprise.

“Hey, I thought you liked his brother,” Sam said.

“Yeah but his other brother’s a dickwad.”

“—and my position as the student body president could be jeopardized,” Solidus said, ignoring Raiden and Sam.

“Ummm,” Rose said, “if you can be student body president as a _freshman_ then I don’t think that a couple weirdo fanfics are going to get you kicked off the student council.”

“I was also unsure about how Mei Ling would react if she heard about them.”

“Oh, so you didn’t want your girlfriend to think you’re a freak! Makes sense.”

“Just what the hell did you _write?_ ” Sam said.

“You know, you shouldn’t have taken it all down,” Ocelot said, sauntering over, “it’d be better to quietly scrub every trace of your personal information, and leave it all up and claim that whoever doxxed you got the wrong person. Remember, the internet gives you a lot of plausible deniability.”

(Which Ocelot should know because, recall, he does deep web red room streams on weekends. It’s how he got AIDS. That’s still a thing.) (He does this from his parents' basement. That's also still a thing.)

“I wasn’t sure how my mother responded to the messages on Facebook, though,” Solidus said, “for all I know she confirmed it was me.”

“That’s why you deny everything _to her_.”

“…am I the only one wondering how many times Ocelot has told Sears to lie to his mom?” Raiden said in a stage-whisper.

“Shh!” Rose said, “making child molestation jokes was one of things aireyv got doxxed over!”

“Oh, come on!”

“Anyway, if you want,” Ocelot said, “I can have your doxxer counter-doxxed.”

“I thought you weren’t that good with computers,” Solidus said.

“I’m not _terrible_. But that’s besides the point, it’s more that I know someone I recently acquired some excellent _persuasive material_  on,” Ocelot said, making a conspicuous reference to the semester two plot so as to justify this entire episode’s existence. “I’m sure he could find it who it was.”

Solidus shook his head. “I am going to retain the moral high ground here,” he declared. “Besides, whoever did it is probably dumb enough that they will out themselves with time.”

“Not a bad plan.”

“Alternately, I can hope that they managed to dig up our address and try to come start something in real life, at which point I could just run them through with my sword.”

“…slightly less of a not-bad plan.”

“I think it was probably Armstrong,” Sam said, “I think he’s still bitter about losing the election… and probably couldn’t dig up anything suitably weird on Jack. I mean, in that case he obviously didn’t look very hard.”

“Shut up,” Raiden said. “…but I _could_ see that. He’s a douchebag. And I mean, that’s pretty much what I would do if I were him, too, except I wouldn’t try to get Sears’ _parents_ involved, I’d just spread it around the school.”

“Oh, that’s being done anyway,” Ocelot said.

“What,” Solidus said flatly.

“ _Apparently_ one of Liquid’s friends happened to be one of your fans.”

“…damn it. I hope Mei Ling dismisses the rumors, then.”

"Just don't bring it up to her on your own, it'll look suspicious."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the lunchroom.

“I’d say that your brother getting doxxed for writing nasty fanfiction is probably, like, the weirdest freaking thing that’s happened all semester, Snake,” Holly said, “but like… we’re three episodes into season two and the first one took place before school actually started up again.”

“Wait, what happened then?” Meryl said.

“Nothing,” Otacon and Solid said at the same time.

“Aaaanyway,” Holly said, “I’m sure something else will come along and top this incident, but… fanfiction? Really?”

“Tentacle fetish fanfiction,” Fox said wisely.

“Huh?” Meryl said, “that… okay, no. I could kind of see that from Solidus of all people.” Holly, Otacon, and Gustava all nodded. Solid groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“So, Mei Ling,” Fox said, “what’s your opinion on this whole controversy?”

“Frank!” Gustava scolded, “don’t ask her things like that. It’s weird.”

“It’s a legitimate question!”

“Huh?” Mei Ling said, looking up from her phone. “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

“It’s nothing,” Meryl said.

Mei Ling sighed. “It’s just… it’s just that yesterday, my favorite fanfiction author posted an announcement about getting doxxed and took down all their fics! So now I’m kind of sad… I hope they’re okay…”

Everyone else at the table just kind of stared at each other for a moment and then went back to eating.

[Womp womp.](https://wompwompwomp.com/)


	33. V for... Valentine's?

Guess what?

Of course since this fic takes place in a floating timeline instead of THE CURRENT YEAR, Valentine’s Day ever-so-conveniently took place on a Friday, leaving students and staff free to arrange dates after school. _During_ school it was business as usual; it was, after all, high school. A few of the sappier (or “more chivalrous”, as Solidus would have you believe) students would give their love interests chocolates or singular flowers. The only cards exchanged were joke ones, like this one given to Chico:

Which was _not_ in bad taste because the worst thing Paz was ever caught with in her vagina in this universe was a couple grams of weed. Kaz had to bribe the cops to get her out of that one, mostly because he knew she was about 45 seconds away from ratting on him being the intended buyer.

Speaking of Kaz: There was, by some _astounding_ coincidence, a semi-popular burger joint in town called Miller’s Maxi Buns. Kaz, if asked, would always deflect and say that Miller was a common name and it could be _anyone’s_ restaurant. At the restaurant itself, the owner never seemed to be around, so there was a rumor that it was a front for the mafia… though everyone totally knew that, yeah, Kaz totally ran this place and came up with all the recipes and stuff, and he used embezzled funds from Kojima High as capital.

Of course, no one had any concrete proof. Kaz knew how to cover his tracks. Which just lent credence to the ~~mafia~~ yakuza theory, to be honest.

Anyway, the point is that Miller’s Maxi Buns was the go-to place for Valentine’s dates, assuming you were a broke high school student paying with daddy’s begrudgingly-loaned money or change dug out of the couch cushions. For one thing, the place was cheap to begin with. Probably saved a lot on refrigeration costs. For another thing, the mysterious owner ran a Valentine’s special where the meal was mildly discounted if you brought a date — or rather, a “date”, since you didn’t have to demonstrate any kind of romantic attachment in order to get the discount, just not be alone. Single diners were, in fact, charged extra.

“This kind of feels like it was originally targeted towards someone,” Otacon said at the counter.

“I don’t make the rules,” the underpaid cashier, Raikov, said tiredly.

“Hey, Hal, _you’re_ paying, right?” E.E. said.

“Yeah, yeah…”

They got their frankenburgers and sat down at an unoccupied table. “Do you think anyone’s gonna make fun of you for taking your sister on a date?” E.E. said slyly.

“Hey, don’t even joke around about that, it’s weird,” Otacon said, tugging at the neck of his sweater.

“What’s the matter?”

“Uh… nothing. Hey, look! Some of my friends are here, too!”

E.E. looked over her shoulder at some of the other booths. “A _lot_ of your friends are here,” she said.

“At least this explains why we saw Big Boss’ car in the parking lot. …though, I thought he didn’t let his sons borrow it…? Maybe that just applies to Liquid.”

Liquid was, in fact, nowhere to be seen (nor was Mantis). But Solid and Solidus were both here - seated on opposite sides of the restaurant, with Meryl and Mei Ling respectively. They’d probably carpooled, and Liquid ~~probably~~ _definitely_ took EVA’s car up to Make-Out Point… more interesting was the fact that the booth right next to Solid and Meryl’s was occupied by Wolf and the B &B Corps, and assorted milkshakes. (Also, Rose and Sam were in line, with Raiden standing slightly behind them.)

“Hey, isn’t that that girl you have a crush on?” E.E. said.

“W-Well…”

“Because she totally looks like she’s on a date with four girls right now.”

“I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation for-“

**MEANWHILE**

“—so since we all had dates tonight, Mom decided it was high time Dad took her on one,” Solid was telling Meryl, “since I’m pretty sure they haven’t been on a single one since they got engaged. They took the motorcycle. Apparently it has a sidecar that none of us knew about.”

“Why couldn’t they just take her car?”

“Liquid has it.”

“Hmm.” She looked around, frowning slightly at the sight of Wolf next to them, but moving on quickly. “So, anyway, do you know how your parents got engaged?”

“No,” Solid said. “Everyone has a different story about it. Master Miller said that Ocelot lost a bet, I have no idea what he meant by that, but…”

“Speaking of Master Miller, did anyone tell you that this is his restaurant? …because maybe we can get free dessert or something, since he likes you.”

“Master Miller’s restaurant? I thought this was a yakuza front.”

“…and you were _fine_ with that?” Meryl said, then shook her head and thumbed at a bulletin board near the entrance. “No, anyway, he definitely runs this place.”

“What’s on the bulleti- oh.”

“…yeah,” Solid said after a moment, “that’s definitely Master Miller’s. By the way, weren’t Fox and Gustave supposed to be here tonight, too?”

“What, you wanted to hang out with Fox?” Meryl said, raising an eyebrow.

“Uh. No. I think I’ve had enough double dates for a lifetime, thanks. I just thought…”

“Gustava said they went baby clothes shopping.”

“…ouch…”

They ate their burgers in silence for a moment. They were actually pretty good, even if they looked like that one gag from the kid’s show that must not be named. Of course, it wasn’t just _any_ fast food joint that got the official Code Talker Seal of Approval™.

The bell jingled for the millionth time as yet another party of broke teenagers entered the dining establishment. Meryl’s eyes went wide.

“Snake,” she hissed, “get down.”

“What?” Solid said, turning around instead of ducking under the table, then immediately regretting it when Holly caught his eye and waved. With her were Ellen and Diane.

“Since when do _they_ hang out?” Meryl said, “it’s bad enough that Wolf’s here!”

“I heard that,” Wolf said, looking over the divider between booths. “For your information, I am only here because Liquid asked me to babysit the B&B Corps tonight so that they wouldn’t follow Mantis up to Make-Out Point.”

“Make-Out Point?” Solid parroted. “Mom’s gonna be mad if they fuck in the car. …again.”

“Wait, what?” Meryl said. “This town doesn’t even _have_ a Make-Out Point, wouldn’t they just be joyriding down the dirt roads?”

“ _Anyway_ ,” Wolf said, “we are just here for discounted milkshakes.”

“Oh, wow,” Holly said, walking up and holding one of said milkshakes, “like, us too! Mind if we join you?”

“Um… no?” Wolf said as Holly, Ellen, and Diane squeezed themselves into her booth. One of the B&B Corps started crying into her cup; Ellen awkwardly tried to console her, not knowing that that was normal behavior.

“Should we go?” Solid asked Meryl, who looked like she was about to have an aneurism.

“No!” Meryl said stubbornly, “we’re going to finish this date and have a wonderful evening. Ignoring them.”

“Uh… yeah, but couldn’t we do that somewhere else?”

“Right here is fine! We were here first!!”

Yeah. It became a point of pride. From across the room, Solid made eye contact with Otacon, and they both grimaced.  _Women._

“So this _is_ , like, an actual date?” Holly said over the divider. “Not a friend date?”

“Are you still mad about the winter formal?” Solid said.

“Don’t engage, Snake,” Wolf warned.

“Why would I be mad about the winter formal?” Holly said flippantly.

“ _I’m_ mad about the winter formal,” Diane said.

“No you’re not,” Ellen said quietly, “you just want to reference the one (1) significant interaction you’ve had with Snake.”

“Well you’re one to talk!!”

“Um…! I never meant-!”

“You’ve been pining after him all school year but you never said a _thing_ until _I_ decided to pursue him!”

“Hey!” Holly said, “you only did that because he’s popular!”

Wolf raised her hand. “I would like to state, for the record, that even though I am somehow included in Snake’s list of potential girlfriends, I am not actually interested in him. I just think he is hot.”

“There _is_ no list of potential girlfriends!” Meryl said, “ _I_ am his girlfriend!”

“Wha!” Holly said, “now hang on, Meryl! Did _Snake_ say you were his girlfriend?!”

“Huh? Well, not _technically_ , but… we are dating!”

“Just because you’re dating doesn’t make you boyfriend and girlfriend,” Diane argued, “it just means you go on dates.” Holly nodded, mouth set.

“That doesn’t make any sense! If it was just one or two dates you were talking about, sure, but Snake and I have been on a _bunch_ of dates!”

“She has a point,” Ellen said, “the third date is when you decide if you’re boyfriend and girlfriend… I’m pretty sure they’ve been on at least four dates.”

“You were not watching from the bushes or something, were you?” Wolf said.

“That seems more like your style,” Meryl snapped.

“That is why I was confused, I think I would have noticed someone else in the bushes.”

“So you _are_ interested in Snake!” Holly gasped.

“No! I am not interested in anyone. …my age.”

Ellen looked slightly confused/troubled by that remark, but everyone else glossed over it in favor of arguing about Solid. The B&B Corps payed rapt attention.

“Stop it!” Wolf said, “you are going to get them to fall for him too!”

“Noooo,” Ellen whispered, “I already have enough competition…”

“Aw, the B&B Corps aren’t competition,” Diane said, “Snake would never even _look_ at them-“

“Well, maybe look,” Holly said, “I mean, they dress like… like, _that_. But would he seriously consider them as potential girlfriends? Nahh. No one would.”

Diane nodded. “Who would want a hivemind for a girlfriend?”

“No one in their right mind could be threatened by them! Of course, _Meryl_ here would feel threatened by a giraffe.”

“Hey!” Meryl said loudly. “I would not!”

“But you feel threatened by Diane and Ellen! They barely know Snake!!”

“Wow, _rude_ ,” Diane said.

“I just… I like him…” Ellen said.

“We are not adding the B&B Corps to his harem,” Wolf said firmly. “Now stop being a bad influence on them.”

“ _Harem???_ ” Meryl sputtered.

“Also, this is probably a bad time, but Snake left five minutes ago.”

“…what!” Meryl whipped around, spotting Solid after a few seconds of searching. He had bailed ship and fled to Otacon’s table, where he was hanging out with him and a jealous-looking E.E. “Dangit, not again!!”

“To be fair, I think I would do the same in his shoes,” Holly said.

Back at Otacon’s table, Solid was very glad to have refuge from _girls_ and Otacon was mostly just people-watching, so he didn’t notice E.E. glaring at Solid. “Oh, look,” he said, “Olga’s here with Sunny.” Solid waved. Sunny waved back. They got their food and went to go sit over by Raiden’s booth.

“Weren’t you on a date?” E.E. asked Solid, in a rude tone of voice.

“Huh? …oh, yep,” Solid said, “but my date started fighting with some other girls who have a crush on me, so…”

“Just like the winter formal,” Otacon said thoughtfully, “except with less Everclear.”

“Yeah, but at this point, I’m tempted. …also, if Master Miller runs this place, do you think I can just go back in the kitchens and get some off of him?”

“Everclear? Why would you do that to yourself twice?”

“Someone in my class brought vodka to school in their water bottle,” E.E. interjected.

Solid blinked. “Aren’t you in middle school?”

“I’m in eighth grade!”

“E.E., don’t interrupt,” Otacon said, “it’s rude.”

“But you came here with _me_ , and now Snake’s crashing!”

“I, uh,” Solid said, “didn’t mean to intrude or anything. I just needed to escape.”

“Good for you. Hal and I were going soon anyway,” E.E. said, grabbing Otacon’s sleeve.

“Eh? No we weren’t,” Otacon said, confused. “What’s the rush, E.E.? Dad and Julie aren’t going to back ’til eleven, we can stay out until then. I just need to drop you off before going back to Mom’s house, and she doesn’t give me a curfew, so…”

“We could- we could go watch a movie or something!” E.E. said. “But I’m done with this stupid burger joint.”

“I think it’s nice,” Solid said. “The food’s good. Even if I have no idea what’s in it.”

“You’re interrupting my date with Hal!!”

“Woah,” Otacon said, “woah. E.E., don’t say it like _that_ , it’s weird. You’re my _sister_ , taking you out for dinner isn’t a ‘date’.”

“But you _are_ taking me out for dinner! and a movie!”

“I haven’t said anything about a movie yet! Come on, E.E., I don’t want any more weird rumors about me going around…”

“Any _more_ weird rumors?” Solid said, then grimaced. “What’s _already_ going…?”

“N-Nothing important,” Otacon said, his eyes widening, “mostly the one about… you know… you and I…”

“Doesn’t he have a girlfriend now anyway?!” E.E. said, jerking her head towards Solid.

“Meryl and I are just dating,” Solid said.

“I thought you said you weren’t,” Otacon said. “That you were just going on dates together, but not dating.”

Solid shrugged. “Either Meryl changed her mind about our relationship status, or changed her mind about what constitutes ‘dating’.”

“Women, huh…”

“I’m not like that,” E.E. piped up.

“Yeah,” Otacon said, ruffling her hair, “your future boyfriend’s going to be a really lucky guy! …or girl, whatever!”

“Guy,” E.E. muttered.

Otacon turned back to his people-watching while Solid gave E.E. a Look. He didn’t know her very well, granted, but while she was generally a bit hard to get along with he’d never before seen this kind of weird… sort of jealousy and outright possessiveness towards Otacon before. Was it just the ‘date’ thing? The fact that it was Valentine’s day? Was she embroiled in some middle school relationship drama, or did she… and Otacon…

…nahhh. Otacon already had _more_ than enough pseudo-incest on his plate. Solid was glad to hear that Julie was out of the house for the night, at any rate.

“Hmm? Snake, isn’t that your- oh, wait, it’s just Venom,” Otacon said.

“Yeah, that’s Quiet he’s with,” Solid said. Quiet looked like she was ready to commit a murder-suicide. Did she not like hamburgers or something? Maybe she was a vegetarian. She could just order some french fries and call that good. (Did she even eat in the first place? Maybe Solid should ask Liquid about it sometime, he kinda knew her.)

“Do you think they’re on a date?”

“I mean… they would be, right? Aren’t they in a relationship?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t know either.”

“Helpful,” E.E. snarked.

“Kind of a cheap date, then,” Otacon said. “Considering they’re both adults with full-time jobs…”

“Venom is friends with Master Miller,” Solid said.

“Yeah, but Quiet _isn’t_. There used to be a sign banning Quiet right next to the sign banning Ocelot.”

“…for what?” Solid said.

Otacon shrugged. “‘Bad taste’.”

“Speaking of bad taste,” E.E. said, standing up, “we’re going now.”

“Aw, come on, E.E.! This place isn’t _that_ bad.”

“You can go if you want,” Solid said, also standing up. “I shouldn’t stick around over here… I’m Meryl’s ride. And maybe they’ve stopped arguing by now.”

“Or maybe the B&B Corps is making eyes at you…”

_~NOW, WERE THERE ANY MORE V-DAY REQUESTS I HAVEN’T YET FILLED?~_

“No, he probably _won’t_ stay out that late, Joy,” Strangelove said to her computer, swirling a glass of wine. “That’s why I don’t _bother_ setting a curfew, he doesn’t need one.”

“I see,” the Boss AI said. “Does his father set any rules for him?”

“Oh, don’t talk to me about his father.”

“My apologies, Doctor.”

Strangelove sighed. “It’s quite alright,” she said, smoothing her voice. “What rules his father does make are mostly for the benefit of his new wife’s daughter. But they’re not enforced…”

“Is your son close to his step-sister? Perhaps he’ll be a good influence on her.”

“I’m not worried about _that_. What I _am_ worried about is his step-mother.” Strangelove frowned. “Something about her just… rubs me the wrong way.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Fox...High](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10413150) by [Phase7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phase7/pseuds/Phase7)




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